Feedback on WAH

[leslie]

I've been reading these boards for about two months now, and have gotten such great insight on my own sitch from everyone here. Now I feel like I don't know where to go with all of this...
My sitch:
Me 31
H 35
S4
S8
Married two years, together 15

August 05 i get the ILYBINILWY story, that he has feelings for someone else, I freaked and he left to sleep at a friends, the OW is 24, co-worker. Mid-September he comes home for a week, swore off contact with OW, but was lying. Moved out and got his own place, end of October, same deal started coming around again, professing love, quit his job to get away from OW, the whole time I had been TRYING to DB, started working out and lost a lot of weight, going out with friends. Anyway, we started counseling, told me the relationship with OW was over, but I had suspicions. He took a new "dream" job 2 1/2 hours away, we all planned to move together to start over, his first weekend home from new job I picked up his phone and saw some text messages that I di not need to read. Turns out the affair never ended, the OW had no idea we were working on our marriage, he told her he was staying with me to be near the kids before he moves! She is planning to move to be near him.
Now, we are headed for divorce (my threat, no papers filed yet). We spent a great weekend here over Christmas, I gave in to the moments and kissed him, we ML, shared the bed, he left telling me he loved me, but I know he is with her in the other town tonite, she drives up there mid-week to stay the night in his hotel.

I know that I can't do anything but continue GAL and let go, is it wrong to keep hope? I don't know if I should be cold and distant to him or continue to be his friend. Our relationship was based on friendship, his leaving I knw is due in large part to my lack of sex drive since the kids were born (which has been attributed to my birth control pills, among other things, and there is no lack of now)!

Any advice or comments are welcome. Feedback from people who WANT their spouses back would be so nice, I am surrounded by people who think I should forget about him...

[yoyogirl]

Leezle...

Not much advice, but just want you to know that you are not alone in this roller-coaster ride. My H also had an A with a co-worker. Me - 34 and H - 36. H then changed job and left to work in a different country in Sept. Thought it was the end of the A, and he is just "being alone" to recollect his thoughts, and we would "join" him in Jan. Turns out..he never broke off with ow..In fact, told her that he and I separated in Sept....ow even sent her stuff to the country where he is working in now. H still vacillating between me and ow... H spent Xmas with the family, we have s@x (won't call it ML), sleeps on the same bed but feels guilty that ow will find out etc etc. So, we are somewhat in the same sh!t sitch.

is it wrong to keep hope
No. My mentor tells me "Men can live 40 days without food, but not even 40 seconds without HOPE". So, continue to have HOPE.....

I am surrounded by people who think I should forget about him...
People will all say all sorts of things...but what do YOU want to do? Only you know what you want.... and then strive to achieve that. I believe that "fighting" to keep your M is the RIGHT thing to do...

Sorry...can't offer much. Just hang in there and DBING your heart out....

One Day at a TIME!!!!

[leslie]

Thanks, sometimes I feel like trying to save my marriage is letting him walk on me, but at the same time he is not my husband right now, truly like an alien. Ha, I guess I should call it s@x to, that's what it was.

[hopefloats7]

Thought it was the end of the A, and he is just "being alone" to recollect his thoughts

I just wanted to tell you both that I, too, fell victim to this from my WAH. When he initially moved out to "get his act together", I thought he'd ended his A. Turns out, I was very wrong.
It's sad how many of us end up having this happen; it's like a second bomb being dropped.
Keep having hope; things change from day to day. Hugs.

[leslie]

I know from the past times that he has returned home that detaching is the key. Whenever he would call me with his "I miss you" stuff, it was always after a piddly two weeks of going as dark as possible with children. Now that he works out of town during the week (this is temp until he gets an apartment in his new city) he spends the weekends at my house. I've had him spend one weekend on the floor, one weekend I told him he shouldn't sleep here because it is disrespectful for him to go spend two hours with her and then come home and sleep in my comfy house (he claims he doesn't like sleeping at her place because she has roomates, aww that's what you get when dating a college student), Xmas weekend he slept in my bed. I am planning on having him stay over at least on New Year's Eve (got plans of my own), how do others handle this? Should H get to rendevous with OW then come home to his kids, a full fridge and a washer and dryer? The other side is that there is a peace of mind that comes from having him here, at least I am not wondering what he his doing. I suppose I should act "as if" I am moving on, we are great friends, and I am letting him be close to the kids, how noble of me! (Kids don't know that we are separated again. My C sugessted they adjust to H being gone during the week, soon we can tell them that we are not moving with Daddy).

[petiteflower]

Hi there-

Don't have much advice right now for you, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I know it is a small comfort, but know you can come here and be supported and not judged.

I feel your pain on the continuation of the affair. I too have recently found text and voice messages confirming the affiar with the college-aged OW is still ongoing, even though I was told by both parties it was over. I too vacilate, seemingly hourly, between feeling like I'm enabling my H with his A and then trying to DB, be his friend, and trying to save my R. In my sit, it seems we're coming to an agreement to live together for the financial stabilty it will provide our S3, but that's it....

Just keep coming here, posting, and reading others stories. It does help.

PF

[leslie]

It's crazy how just typing out your feelings really helps, just putting it out there.
Just got an email from H, asking how I am today, and that he may be home tonite, it's disgusting because I know he spent last nite in a hotel with his toy, and he emails me as soon as he gets to work! Will ignore email, he knows I am off work this week, for the most part. I work tonite until 9, kids will be with Mom, so noone will be around when he makes his nightly kid call. There's some satisfction in that, I know he is starting to wonder who I spend my time with. Being mysterious can be fun, but it is hard!

[AndreaV]

leezle,

We are all here for you in your difficult time. My situation is similar to yours, although I don't have any children so I can only imagine how much harder it is when kids are involoved! The funny part is that our WAH's go for an OW that is the complete opposite of us! Your H's OW is a young college student with not much established in her life, while my H's OW is a few years older than him, has no college experience, no job and 3 small kids!!! How's that for opposite! The one thing that you can always take consolation in is the fact that she is a "bandaid," and not the solution to the problem inside him! He has the problem inside him and no OW will ever fix that!!! He's got the issues, not you!!

[leslie]

Thank you AndreaV, you are right, she will not fix his problems, he is such a master of disguise, she does not even KNOW what his problems are, and they are doozies, I'll tell ya.

There is some strange comfort in knowing she is COMPLETELY opposite of me, in fact appearance-wise she is all of things he would say he didn't find attractive. It's all ego-boosting and s@x, I know that, which is why he comes to me to talk about his non-R dramas. I'm holding my head hi, knowing that I will rise above all of this, and am looking forward to being flirty but elusive this weekend.

[hopefloats7]

It's funny how many of these WAH's go for completely different types of women, as compared to their wives. I can tell you o.w. in my H's life is totally different from me, in every way. She's even of a different race, so there are tons of ethnic differences too. It's just bizarre. He has told me that he thinks he has lost his mind by being with her. But the key is different. See, WAH's are unhappy in their current situation, so why would they go pick an o.w. to be with that was like their wife at home? No; they choose someone opposite, because they think that will help matters.