It basically means that they fainted or collapsed.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
Hi all - had a nice trip with H. He was happy because some girl in the checkout at the grocery store told him he had "sick eyes" (he does have the most amazing deep blue eyes - I guess I should tell him that more often).
I was happy because 4 different people, on 4 different occasions, told me I didn't look nearly old enough to have a boy in college. Considering I was 30 when I had him, that really made my day! (Of course, big sunglasses can hide a lot of crow's feet! ).
Made a "Lady and the Tramp" dinner for H last night - spaghetti and meatballs - and bought him a DVD of Casablanca, his favorite movie. It was nice. We are both still recovering from jet lag, though, and H went to bed early to catch up.
Okay, guys, today I need a little input from y'all. S19 has gotten involved in an internet romance with a girl he met on an anime online community (one of his interests). Not in and of itself a problem for me, he's a very young 19 and maybe starting with a long-distance thing could be good practice for the real thing in the future. (He's never had a real girlfriend, only gone on a few dates with friends). However - there is a problem with this particular situation.
The girl is only 16. She lives 1500 miles away. She has issues with her parents and with depression. She actually threatened suicide last month (over family problems) and my son ended up calling the police in her town to go to her house. (They were just friends at that point).
I told son at that time that he really should be careful that the R remained just friends, as I didn't think it was a good thing for her to be involved in anything more (and for him, if she was unstable). So he was reluctant to tell me it had developed into something more romantic, he just told me yesterday.
Anyway - the problem I see is this. The girl's parents don't know she is speaking to my son. When the police came after the suicide attempt, they were not too happy to find out some stranger on the internet knew her name and phone number to call the police.
I told my son that I felt that was wrong, that she is still a minor and that the respectful thing to do would be to come clean and introduce himself. (He is, btw, a very responsible kid, non-smoking, no drugs or alcohol, virgin, very young for his age. If he were dating a 16 year old in real life, I wouldn't think her parents would have a problem with it if they knew him.)
She doesn't want to do so because she expects her parents will cut off her internet and phone privileges if they know.
S now wants me to talk to her in an email and is asking me to give her some advice about her depression and PMS problems.
Of course, as a parent, I would be livid if I found out my teenage daughter was having a romantic (if innocent) R with an unknown 19 year old college man behind my back, and even more livid if I found out his mother was offering my daughter advice.
I'm wrestling with how to respond to my son, how to avoid communicating with her without confirming her fear that I would "hate" her, how to encourage them to do the right thing without appearing to be "the enemy" who opposes their R. (I do worry a little about her being a drama queen and about my S's predisposition to be a rescuer, but thank goodness she is so far away that nothing will likely ever come of it. And I hate to burst his bubble, he's so happy to have a "girlfriend".)
How would you handle this?
(BTW - I expressed some of these concerns to my S yesterday and I have to say he wrote me a wonderfully mature email this morning, bless him.)
First of all, I agree that most likely nothing will come of this. It's just a matter of time and him coming across girls at school that he could date.
Honestly, I would tell son, exactly what you said here. That if her parents don't approve of her communicating with him, that they definitely won't be happy about you getting involved. Tell him that you'll help "him" in any way possible in dealing with her issues.
I mean, you can't stop it, but you certainly don't want to promote it either.
Ellie...if nothing else caution your son strongly on the wording of his conversations with this young girl. While the parties involved may consider themselves "kids" the authorities will only look at your son as an ADULT having some form of possible suspicious internet contact with a MINOR. It doesn't matter what she may tell them either....they would only look at your son's actions. I'm saying this because there may already be the possibility of some form of monitoring of their conversations due to the phone call to the police your son made. It is easily done with neither of them knowing about it.
With all of the talk of "internet predators" it truly isn't safe for any male over the age of 18 to have an internet romance with a female under the age of 18...a few words taken out of context by paranoid or disapproving parents and it could get out of hand Definitely make sure he doesn't try to MEET this girl and arrange it online without ALL of the parents being aware of and okaying it!
PRobably not much help but it was the first thing that came into my mind when I read your post.
Beth
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
It has been FOREVER since I checked in on you! I didn't even know where to find your thread! Glad to see you still hanging out here, and what a wonderful letter from your H! I always appreciated your words of wisdom, and sticking up for me, no matter what!!!!
Unfortunately, I'm not the guy to be asking about parent advice. Not that I'm not a good Dad, but I was always the one to have fun with the kids, and leave the tough stuff to Mom.....Maybe that's why I'm D'd now.....
I will have to agree with Zoo. My 19 year old son also had a 16 year old GF, and it wasn't long distance, but right in front of my face. I felt sorry for the girl, her Mom had been M & D 3 times, and was now living with a BF, and her 2nd Dad was a friend of mine. I'm not even sure if she knew who her real Dad was. Fortunately, she and my S were both very smart, and I hounded them with articles about sex offenders, and how they could ruin their lives. She spent a few nights at our house, and my W would sleep on the floor between the couch, and our S's room.....LOL
My S swears they never did anything, but I lied when I was 19 too..... So I don't know what to tell you, but as with anything else, communication is the key! So express to him what you did to us!
In a sitch like this, I like to ask myself, "What would Ellie do?"
You have a knack for seeing through the clutter and getting at the core of a problem. I agree that communication will be the key to letting this play out. S19 must understand that he is in a sitch where the law has an opinion. The girl must understand that sometimes asking for help means first acknowledging to those closest to us that we need help. Her parents need to understand how much she needs the help.
And you can only do so much. Let S19 know where you stand. Offer to help his gf if you can clear it with her parents. And remember where your responsibility ends.
And welcome back!
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I did send son a note pretty much outlining what I said above about why it wouldn't be appropriate for me to talk with her. He seems to understand. I reemphasized that he needs to encourage her to get her parents to take her to the doctor to address her depression and other issues.
He's a good kid. I'm sure he'll end up "rescuing" girls - I just hope that when he finally ends up with one that's serious, that he "rescues" a poor but bright and ambitious girl, or a bright and funny but slightly chubby girl, instead of a depressed, unstable girl!
Had a lovely evening last night, some good friends of 25+ years drove into town to see their nephew speak at a local university, and we joined them. He gave an excellent lecture on diversity as part of their Black History Month. He is an excellent speaker - funny, moving, entertaining. He's African American but with Indian and white ancestors as well. (One of his white ancestors was a slave-holder who married and freed a slave, then went around to try to convince other slave-holders to free some of their slaves.)
His name is Mohammed Bilal (I guess he was a minor celebrity some years ago with a brief stint on The Real World in SF). It was truly enjoyable, and great as always to see these friends of ours as well (they are an interracial couple, married 30 years, just a great couple).
).
Definitely make sure he doesn't try to MEET this girl and arrange it online without ALL of the parents being aware of and okaying it!
