I usually post over on "infidelity." I am just wondering how to get over the lies if my H decides to be with me. I do suspect an OW, although he continues to deny. Is there anyone whose S had an A and wanted to reconcile? How were you able to get past the lies?
IMDI, I'm no where near that point, but, that question has been weighing heavily on my mind. ... what if he ever comes back, how can I possibly ever trust him. I'm anxious to see the posts from those in the know. Thanks for asking that question. Once
I'm new to this but I'm one of those who lied to his woman, and no not about another woman.
I've been doing a lot of research and found that you will never forget what has happened, but this is not forgiving. Forgiving is for those that have been hurt, not those who have done the hurting. If you love this person you will have to forgive them as a way of healing yourself. Holding onto the anger will only fester inside you and cause further problems. You can forgive someone, you just don't have to tolerate what they did to you.
I pretty much agree with Upset. I watched W lie repeatedly for more than a year. It was ridiculous and even now, I'm struggling with dealing with it. You could watch her do something or catch her dead to rights and she'd lie about it. WAS's are so adamant in their denial you start doubting your own eyes and ears.
I don't think I'll ever forget, but I'm trying to forgive. I keep telling myself that something "broke" inside her for a while. Not really a good description, but it helps me not to dwell on it.
I think the books will tell you that they do need to own up and take responsibility for their actions but I'm not really sure she has, or ever will. I'm actually afraid of what it might do to her if she ever realizes how much damage she caused. She was a good person before all this started, and she's a good person now. But she was definitely off the deep end there for quite some time.
I really don't want her to go there again. But can I accept what happened and get over it? I'm still not sure. For the most part, I try not to think about it too much. That gets easier over time.
I appreciate everybody's replies. I don't think it is the forgiving that would be a problem for me. I think it would be the forgetting. I think that i could forgive my H. I guess i have a hard time with wondering how i could get past his lies, and if i would ever be able to trust him again.
The one thing that you really need to remember here, is that when your S is having an A, they reaally aren't thinking all that straight. They are hiding and lying, and have guilt in there as well. They will blame you, do things to fuel their "fire", anything they have to, to justify to themselves that what they are doing is right. Once the A has ended, those lies come back to haunt them and they tell more lies.
Basically, you just have blow the lies away, and accept that they are/were part of the spouse's justifying their own actions at the time, they are a "side effect" of having an A. Deep down, they know it's wrong, so they have to find anything and everything they can to make it seem like they are doing the right thing in their own minds.
Never try to figure them out, you will go crazy trying to.
I've been doing a lot of research and found that you will never forget what has happened, but this is not forgiving. Forgiving is for those that have been hurt, not those who have done the hurting. If you love this person you will have to forgive them as a way of healing yourself. Holding onto the anger will only fester inside you and cause further problems. You can forgive someone, you just don't have to tolerate what they did to you.
