Thats called AGAPE in hebrew. Most ladies around here are looking for EROS, I believe.
Actually, AGAPE (spiritual love) is Greek. It is one of the three types of love our asst pastor told us about a few weeks ago. In John 21:15-17, Jesus asks Simon, son of Jonas, three times "Do you love me?". First two times he says do you AGAPE (spiritual love) me? And Simon answers, Lord, you know I AGAPE you. The third time, Jesus says, do you love (PHILEO) me? The inference to make, I guess, is that as humans we may not be as capable of spiritual love (AGAPE) as we are of brotherly love (PHILEO).
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
The more I think about it the more I am convinced Resentment is the King of the Jungle of relationship killers. Why? It has too many tentacles (okay, so now an octopus reference...sheesh. what's my deal). It is pervasive in every single disharmonious situation. And it is also a two-headed powerful beast, (mythological creature reference now. argh!) unlike most other common relationship killers. It both destroys your view of your SOs and destroys your view of yourself (self-esteem).
Resentment over finances Resentment over sex, too much or lack of Resentment over past deeds/acts (EAs/PAs etc.) Resentment over past comments/attacks from others you can't let go Resentment over lack of attention Resentment from being smothered Resentment from being controlled Resentment from failed expectations of SO Resentment from being taken for granted/unappreciated Resentment from not being heard or understood Resentment from being invalidated Resentment from feeling inadequate (self) Resentment from failed aspirations (self) Resentment from feeling ugly/fat/stupid (self)
Need I go on?
And that's why I like NOPkins mantra so much. It's so efficient. It's so interchangeable. It has this powerful word in it. It's interchangeable because in my sitch I choose to reword it:
"Affairs are the Embodiment of Silent Resentment, fuled by a sense of entitlement and the lack of respect."
Corri--
Nice comments. I do think you will receive what you project in this life. Ever notice what happens when an positive, caring, high energy person enters a room? Big smile. Eager handshake. Hearty back slap. Big laugh. Everyone feeds off the energy. Frowners one second start smiling next. All take a step closer to this person. Same thing with love/hate. Angry, bitter people (topical, Scrooge, lol) enter room there is eggshell uneasy vibe...vibe that repels not attracts.
Pretty much goes back to Biblical even, eh? For God So Loved the World He Gave His Only Begotten Son... resulting in His hurt from sacrificing son. Knew some people would reciprocate, others would reject him. Son loved Father and Son loved Man enough to feel unimaginable hurt and be sacrificed. It's all within Self in both cases and emanates to others.
That's why I can't hate or want revenge in my sitch. As the saying goes, "To want revenge is to dig two graves, one for the person who betrayed you and one for yourself."
All I can do is love and accept the big hurt, so to speak. While not sacrificing my duty to honor myself in the process. Like Christians and pagans. Some people in my life will recognize it and reciprocate my love; others won't and will reject me. So be it.
This topic could burn through a lot of threads. Shame on you. ;-)
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Because it is part of your nature, my dear sweet. Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.
Yeah. Okay. Right. So wading in I go.
Stig. I think resentment, like love, begins within self. I've experienced it before, certainly. Upon reflection, it came from piss poor boundaries, and me not trusting the other person enough to handle whatever it was I was 'stuffing' to spare their feelings, etc. Big cop out. I was just too scared to speak my mind and trust the other person could handle whatever came their way. Ah, well, live and learn I suppose.
I've also come to the conclusion that the 'hurt' I deem has come from someone else is really coming from inside as well. It is part of my big ole' pity party of one. I have suffered what I consider a 'loss' and I am feeling hurt for me.
That's cool. We all hurt. We all cry. It is a natural part of the healing cycle. Denial of acceptance of 'what is...' rather than 'what was' when I wasn't hurting.
You are in the midst of healing right now, my friend. Healing is a process, it is not an event. Hurt. Feel it. Let it run through you and then out of you. Forgive it and then thank it for the many blessings it has and will bring to you... many of which you cannot see or fathom yet.
And I wholely agree with you about 'happy' people. Happy people 'send out.' Unhappy people 'suck in.'
Be at peace (being the practice of tolerance and empathy.)
So I am at work and go 'CRAP. I said hebrew. Crapcrapcrap,
LOL of all the people to call me on my screw up. Gotta love it.
Hey TSinA. Your right. Thanks for catching that. hebrew equivalent would be hesed, irrelevant though. I assume your pastor also spoke of Storge, the familial love.
You know I was thiinking in that passage that jesus asked peter if he loved him in a general sense (agape) that we feel for anyone--hence our charitable natures to various natural disaster victims. Then finished with Filia to show they had a bond more binding and important, a brotherly intimate, Love. A love that should not be so easy to turn away from in a time of need or stress, (which Peter ended up doing when pressed) as we often pass by street people, though we have agape for faceless unfortunates.
MCP= Mocrosoft Certified Professional.
MCP= ???
I dont sense you are trying to be it either (whatever it is) so keep it up.
You are love? 1 john 4:8 Do you have a god complex? J/k, it was a good essay.
appears Stig and I arent the only ones with overclocking processors, and virus attacked hard drives.
Waiting to receive inhibits my ability to give... it takes up space in my being... and the more space my expectations take up... the less space I have to devote to loving.
I've stopped giving love and started waiting for it... and of course my feelings of love go away because I'm not doing it anymore.
Quote: Why do I wade in?
Because it is part of your nature
My turn to second that comment and direct it from me to you. Why, especially since I know it kills your attraction to me. But Im back, trying again, since I dont care about that, I'm interested in and yes care about your choices.
I was getting ready to subtly lead you again, but Lil has the funny knack of c0ck-bl0cking me. (Dont know what other term to use for it, is there a pysch equivalent?)
Whats up with that LIL? and your a trained therapist. I need people to say stuff so I can point it out and say BINGO.
Back to you Corrie. Like I was saying I was going to attempt to lead you again, and had several plans, but, you know what?
I always see it when people do it to me, and it often annoys me. I find it insulting sometimes. Just spit it out and tell me, Im thinking. I'll truthfully afirm or deny.
I abhored when my x was not completely honest. I see it, your dishonesty insults me, I would think.
So Ill save that subtlety for innuendo, and teasing. Maybe even the occasional spank.
But no more intentioanl misunderstandings, it gets lost in BB communication abilities.
Blah blah blah, get to the point. So Im not going to annoy, but I am going to persist. Your avoidance techniques better consist of directness also. IE 'back off, none of your business, leave me alone, I need a break' etc.
Other wise Ill know your just avoiding and wanting me to be a unattractive try hard.
You spoke of intent. So your here for insight, good company, great insights and incredible attractive BF. Mybe even a little Stig. Hes not too bad considering hes a interesting facsimile. LOL According to him Apparently we have even more commonalities. Freaky. hopefully he'll share. Im curious.
How about venting? Or are you too 'masterful' for that. Damn high walls I say again. Corri to me is sharp, insightful, educated, knowledgeable of R dynamics.
But is she human.
Methinks so.
I present the following.
Believe it or not, our friend CeMar gave me a piece of eye opening advice once a year or so ago... I had been explaining the dynamics between me and my STBX, trying YET AGAIN to fix it all through sheer force of will and stick-to-itness... and CeMar comes through and says something along the lines of... "you aren't sharing quality time, you are sharing space. He's treating you like he would one of his male buddies, sitting in the same room with you, doing a parallel activity, thinking that counts as quality time with you, because it DOES count with his male buddies..."
using a negative lowest common denominator, circular, pessimistic view is not helpful. No solutions there. just giving up and running away.
Do you know Underdog? Probably. I wonder if you have read thru her threads. I think there may be some good stuff for you there.
two more questions. rhetorical if you choose( dang people pleasers, always pointing out the obviousness of personal boundaries, and apolgizing excessively)
Do you respect your H? What is your entitlement?
hope I dont play this tennis game by myself, I get winded real quick trying to play both sides of the net.
I may even steal a couple of those doritos, as I see they are now "trans-fat free'. Taste like dog kibble, IMO, and yes I know what it tastes like, cause Im , but it helps a good Alaska Amber beer go down. blech on beer, in general, but I need the empty calories.
Quote: You are love? 1 john 4:8 Do you have a god complex?
No, no complex. Two sides of the same coin. "Ye are gods." fck if I know the chapter/verse number. Anyone?
BF, I don't know if you've read any of my history, but what CeMar said to me was not what led me to 'run away.' It helped me see what the shrink had been telling me for years... 'lack sex is NOT your problem. It is only a symptom of much larger issues.' Why what CeMar said, when he said it, and how he said it made something click in my brain and go 'aha!' I don't know. Cognitive dissonance is like that, I guess. Pops through at the darndest times.
I appreciate the fact that you think I've run away. I didn't run, though. I walked. I wasn't seeking my H's agreement, wasn't looking for his permission. I left him. I was D. U. N. Done. I did not want to get to the end of my life and say "I survived my marriage."
Quote: Do you respect your H? What is your entitlement?
Do I respect my STBX like I do my mother/father? No.
Do I respect my STBX like I do my best friend? No.
Do I respect my STBX like I do my doctor? No.
Do I respect the fact that my STBX is human, just like the rest of us? Yes.
Do I respect the fact that he is doing the best he can with what he's got to work with? Yes. Finally.
Did I respect him when we were married? No. I pretty much sucked at it. Gradually got better.
Does he respect me? No.
What am I entitled to? To chose. And if I fck up my choices, then I get to chose again.
I do not believe that you look someone in the eye and call them a cold, frigid b!tch, and the next morning have them tell you they love you. I do not believe that you look at someone and say "our R sucks and it always will" yet claim that intimacy is the goal of your R. I'm going to stop here because I could go on and on. Let's just say that actions spoke a far different story than words did.
Could I have stayed in my M and found a way to harmoniously live with him? No, for I would have had to sacrifice my own self-respect in order to do that.... and I learned from very painful experience that when I sacrificed self-respect for peace, I built resentment. We didn't trust one another, we didn't communicate, we didn't laugh. We were growing further and further and further apart. And then I gave up. I stopped trying. Wondered what he'd do about it. He did nothing. He didn't have time to do anything about it.
I'll tell you the one thing that really sticks in my crawl. The fact that he can look me in the eye and tell me he has no idea why I left. THAT kicks my ass. <shrug>. Really. "Well," I say, "then you know EXACTLY why I left."
What do you want to know, BF? Did I replay my FOO issues with this man? Did I find the perfect person to find every vulnerability and weak spot I had within me? Absofrigginlutely. I unearthed a goldmine of personal [censored] so deep I could have sworn it was bottomless. Good thing I'm a spunky gal and like wading around in it or I would have never stayed as long as I did.
It fcking hurts, BF. For the last four months of our marriage I watched him watch us hit the wall. Yep. I hurt. Still tender. Still sore. I have anxiety so deep in me that sometimes I can barely breathe. But what I am going through now is nothing compared to living in an empty marriage.
Yet in the midst of all this saddness... lo' and behold, I found ME at the bottom of the sh!t smiling back up at me. "What the hell took you so long?"
I had forgotten how stinkin' fun I am, how much I love to laugh, how interested in everything I am, how I like to listen to music really loud while I cook... I like sushi, wtf knew? I like to blow tons of money on me and my kids at really cool amusement parks... I suck at ping pong, but I'm getting better with my S12's encouragment. When my kids and I don't really know how it's all 'supposed' to be done, we make it up and see what happens.
So there you go. Gots lots of stuff churning inside the walls of Corri. But in the midst of it ALL... always remember...
... the sun also rises.
Gotta go. Santa duty. Kids and I are doing Xmas morning... well... in a few hours... on Xmas eve morning, 'cuz they want to open their presents with me in the morning, not on Xmas day afternoon after they are done at their dads. (just isn't the same). This is one of those things we made up.
LOL According to him Apparently we have even more commonalities. Freaky. hopefully he'll share. Im curious.
, but it helps a good Alaska Amber beer go down. blech on beer, in general, but I need the empty calories.