Singing in the shower sounds like a great 180!! Gotta keep 'em guesing right? My DB coach said something to me once like: if there is no one in your life who thinks you are a bit nuts, then you are not living life to its fullest!
How about that as words to live by!?!
Hey, as for the hay... never said you weren't right! But it is not like by us being right about thngs, that we ended world hunger or anything. How about this as a hay/cow positive: "wow, that was some great aerobic exercise we got!"
(Am I pushing my luck?? )
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Thanks for the confidence boost, anesyr. Howdy, Lisa, nice to see you here!
Quote: if there is no one in your life who thinks you are a bit nuts, then you are not living life to its fullest!
Brava, no one has ever accused me of being normal! does that mean I am doing a good job??? H and I used to joke about that quite often.
My news for tonight, which I will take as all positive. Still finalizing the land deal with the new renter, and needed to meet in person to lay out details. H got home pretty late again, I was getting/letting bad thoughts creep in, but I'd had a good night of getting things done and felt good. Is that a contradiction? When H walked in he got his arm load of stuff caught on the door handle, so I made 'smarty' comment, and we got off to a good start. I said I know you just walked in, but would it work to go meet renters tonight? and we did. I think that's a real good positive, that he has interest in future plans for around here. Sure it can all change, but I didn't think he'd even come along with me to talk to them. But I am sure glad he did.
The Christmas present camera has arrived. I asked if that's what was in the box, H said yes, but you don't have to keep it. I asked why he would say that? and he said I didn't seem very interested and could trade it for something else. He must have read my face on Christmas, 'cause I didn't even have the box open yet tonight. He's not feeling well, coming down with a cold it seems. I don't want to say anymore tonight except to ask him to help me figure it all out when he feels better. But is this also an opportunity to write a nice thank you note? along with a few things I've been feeling and thinking? and that I was so surprised at any gift at all? try and break the barrier a little? or just leave it at expressing my thanks again.
And, I think I've got NYE plans with another couple, tentative.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW- I'm so glad to hear you are seeing some positives with H! I know things fluctuate, get better, get worse, blah, blah, blah... But, it's so nice when you see things glimmering in the distance, isn't it?
I don't have time to post much today, but I just picked up the DR book again last night and started reading through some parts. Made me realize how hard it is to keep the DBing stuff fresh in your mind. You put it down for a couple weeks and then pick it up, and it seems like all new stuff again.
Def. sounds like some more positives in your interactions and his and your actions!!
Would the note be a 180? Would it have to be short and sweet or more wordy to make it more of a 180?
(I am a big note writer but I realize now after the 2nd paragraph my H probably cant even process what I write anymore. So a 180 for me would be no note and no lectures.)
I missed the whole camera thing ... do you not want it?
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
I missed the whole camera thing ... do you not want it? I do want a camera, but H didn't get the one I wanted. I usually don't ask or drop hints for presents, and this was a discussion we'd had thruout December, about digital cameras. So, I must not have reacted well. But honestly, while inside I wanted to jump up and down (and his bones) that he got me anything at all, on the outside I stayed very collected and interested, did I blow it? Last night he was sick and curled up under a blanket, so I didn't say much about his remark. I have to come up with something right by tonight. I'm leaning towards letting him know that I just wasn't sure how to react, or how he would take my reaction, and he took me wrong. Will it lead to an R talk? I pretty much doubt it, H won't go there, but I can let him know my feelings. - - - - - - - Going to try and reply to things I've jumped over.... Have you given serious thought to what it would take to keep your place without H? Could you downsize? Yes, I've given that much thought and things I would do. How I could keep the place, whether I would want to keep the place. It was mine before H moved here (almost paid for), I asked if he would ever resent that, he assured me it would be okay. But so much has grown and changed with him there, except the little house, that you'd hardly recognize it. I've lived there so long, I don't remember how to move. But memories of H being there with me would haunt me, so I can't say it would be where I would stay forever.
hum like you're in love. I did this morning. I have to get my hummer warmed up better!
The next time he's expected at a family gathering, maybe just go without him, or make it clear you'd like to be by yourself and enjoy your family without the tension of keeping up appearances. This is scary because he might just keep walking. But truly, do you want an H that will walk away just because you choose to start living again and stop being controlled by what his choice is going to be in your sitch? For one thing, there isn't a lot of tension. My family doesn't know, and H and I have been doing this for so long (don't holler about that) that it is natural to act like nothing is wrong when we're with people. Is he controlling me? yes, he is, in a lot of ways I don't like. But in many ways it's not as bad as some people? he doesn't flaunt it, he's home every night, he doesn't disappear on me other than regular working hours. Am I settling for this? Am I also controlling him? yes, I am. I am making him stay involved in the day to day decisions of OUR place, I am not letting him run away and dump it on me. Is that the right thing to do? I don't know. Every day is a new attitude. I've also read so many things on this BB of women that stayed steady and strong, the base of support, and are now in good places in their relationship. Maybe I missed the other parts of their stories, and if I did and they happen to see this please jump in and correct me. If H decides to come back to this marriage, I want him to know that I've never left it, and I am willing to move forward with him and make the changes we need to for a new marriage. If he decides to leave, I won't be a loving STBXW wishing him all the best. It won't be pretty.
so the one time you did start to leave things changed...and for the better But remember, he didn't know I was packed up to leave. He just knew I was going somewhere with my horse, not unusual. I never told him I was leaving. And I didn't get more than a few miles from home and I felt stupid for doing it. What I think made the change was showing him I had feelings, I needed a friend, and that was one of the very few times he showed a smidge of emotion back to me.
maybe H needs to see emotions? Not anger or blame, but need and hurt from you? That's what I'm feeling, the direction I feel I need to head. Need and want?, not hurt. I let him know hurt, and I think that made him feel guilty and led to where we are now. I don't have it all thought out, yet. Working on it. It would be a 180 to show need and want. I don't think that other than day to day stuff, I've shown emotions for about 2 months? nothing physical, hugs or touches, for over a month. And when we've been in this rut before, H attributes it all to me, he has never made a move back to me without me initiating.
you need a friend.. you need to be loved, held, understood. That you're lonely, scared and afraid of losing him? Asking him to work on it is a demand. Telling him you will if he wants is asking him to trust. I have to remember this, good words of advice.
but would you please quit calling yourself stupid! but I WAS that time, I deserved what I said! I was totally upset at me, myself, and I for getting stuck, and it is SO frustrating. But, on a positive note, H and I have both buried it in the mud or manure before, so the snow wasn't quite as messy.
it's so nice when you see things glimmering in the distance a very small glimmer, but a positive thought to hang on to going in to a new year, 2006. After all, I'm Hanging on for the Long Haul.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
The camera deal.. hmm.. instead of coming up with something to say to him that's pointed, could you just get it out and use it enthusiastically? Take pics of him, flirt a little. Tell him "hey handsome, smile for the birdie!" Show him how much you're enjoying the camera without apologies for your reaction when you got it. That might just confirm a negative in your mind if you approach it like you are trying to make up for your initial reaction. Maybe you could ask him to take a few pics of you too and just maybe he'd wonder who you're gonna give them too! Get on the PC upload them to somewhere GF..haha.
Im so happy you hummed.. Did you feel in lighter spirits just doing it?
For one thing, there isn't a lot of tension. My family doesn't know, and H and I have been doing this for so long (don't holler about that) that it is natural to act like nothing is wrong when we're with people. No hollering It's a good thing you've remained together so long? When I suggested this as an idea for a 180 I think I was saying that maybe it would be a way to create distance that would make him wonder. Like when you invite yourself along and he doesnt act like you're welcome. It's the opposite of pursuing him and maybe it would do him good to miss some of that family time to see how it would feel. And, he might wonder what you're family is going to think if you don't include him because he's not acting like an H right now. Hope that makes some sense!
he doesn't flaunt it, he's home every night, he doesn't disappear on me other than regular working hours. Am I settling for this? yeah, you're settling, but you're trying to use that to make something good happen in your marriage. At least you realize you're settling!
Am I also controlling him? yes, I am. I am making him stay involved in the day to day decisions of OUR place, I am not letting him run away and dump it on me. Can you/would you explain your thinking on this? Do you think you're controlling him? I mean.. how are you making him or not letting him do anything? Couldnt he just up and leave at any time? If you think he's there because you make him be there, maybe you don't realize that he's there because he's chosen to be there? Just worth a thought maybe. I can't see you as controlling, but maybe I don't understand the details enough to see it.
It would be a 180 to show need and want. Well, how about it? How ya gonna show that man you need him?
You are amazing with your perserverence! Hang in there!
Ah, nnow I get the camera thing. Without being too wordy it might be nice if you thanked him and said you really do like it (My DB coach would ay dont explain why as it will only lead to R talk and / or trigger feelings of guilt on his side.
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
)
It's a good thing you've remained together so long? When I suggested this as an idea for a 180 I think I was saying that maybe it would be a way to create distance that would make him wonder. Like when you invite yourself along and he doesnt act like you're welcome. It's the opposite of pursuing him and maybe it would do him good to miss some of that family time to see how it would feel. And, he might wonder what you're family is going to think if you don't include him because he's not acting like an H right now. Hope that makes some sense!