I've been posting in we're seperated. My H left me for OW. He claims that nothing would have happened between them if it wasn't over between us. Nice of him to tell me that it was over when he decided this. Anyway. I stil hope and pray for my M. Right now I have let go, and and trying to move on without him. I just am trying to deal with the issue of the A. I've taken the giant leap that he may wish to reconcile, not that he is giving me any indication. Actually he is quite happy with things the way they are. But I have hit this wall. Getting past her. I keep thinking that he's got to show me that she is totally gone b4 I let him back into my life. Totally gone, telling me the A is over, changing jobs, disposing of all the gifts that she gave him. Over. I know that is selfish. I know that he would find it unreasonable and controlling. Control being an issue for us. But how do I get passed this. Am I unreasonable? I know that I am putting the cart b4 the horse and all, but I can't stop thinking about this.
21 views and no responses. that's ok, there is a reason. I got into this M for life and the thing that bugs me most in my stich is that my H quit. He just decided that he had no more to give started a new R and signed a lease, then he informed me. That's not what M is all about. Its a choice and a commitment for life. No matter how wrong I was in anything else with our R, that is one major thing that he did that was wrong. In we're seperated, AMYC has been an inspiration to alot of us, she is down and ready to give up right now, I responded to her and it reminded my about my annoyance at my H quitting. I've decided not to quit, can't be the pot calling the kettle black.
No, don't quit, but let him think that you have. I too have to deal with a OW. Will your H see you at all? Have you read Don Harvey's When the One You Love Wants to Leave?
Do you see you H for business purposes? And do you know anything about the OW? I guess I need to read some more of your sitch.
Yes, M is a commitment for life, but it still sounds like you're blaming him-which you should-but not to him. If you have any contact with him, you need to act like a friend, you need to act like it doesn't bother you even though it's killing you inside. If you could get him to see you on a social basis (there are various ways to get them to want to do this) you might have a chance of winning him back. Have to go now. Hang in there.
So many of us can relate to your pain - I'm sending you hugs ((((SAA)))))
I don't think there's any pain equal to the betrayal of a spouse. Whether it was an EA or a PA, the hurt is still the same. I agree, marriage is meant for life and not meant until one person gets sick of it! It's just not right at all! It's so ridiculous!
As for the OW, I'm sure she's like all other OW - pathetic and needy! She probably makes your H feel pretty cool about himself and that's why he keeps going back to her. My H told me the OW made him feel "light and happy like nothing else mattered." Well, that sure is infatuation NOT true love, so it will wear off. The hard part? Being the LBS that has to sit there with the shatterd pieces of a marriage that was destroyed. By honoring your M you are honoring God, no matter what you H is doing. At least you can stand before Him and say you did everything you could, unlike your H.
I wish there was a magic answer for the way to get over the OW. I struggle with that tremendously, since the OW in my M is (was!) my friend. Be consoled in knowing that you ARE the better choice for your H, whether he realizes that or not!
I am so sorry. I, too, have problems "letting go" of o.w. thoughts. Ask anyone here. I totally understand how you feel about H. quitting. I can tell you that if my H. had only come to me and said, "I'm unhappy" I would have moved mountains to change our marriage and make it better for the both of us. He said nothing, and instead had/is having an affair. I am slowly realizing that although nothing hurts more, there isn't anything I can do to stop it. He is in control of his own actions, just like your husband is. I have to keep refocusing on me, although it is very difficult to do that when you are in so much pain and all you want is your husband to come home. If I were you, I wouldn't worry right now about thoughts regarding him having to throw away gifts from her, etc. That isn't going to be productive at this point, because you aren't really there yet. If the time comes then you can have a talk with your H. and tell him that this is what you need from him. Don't give up. I admire your determination and strength. You can do this; we all can if we keep helping each other here.
Hugs.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
The only thing I can offer is that you have to always remember that it is not about them...it is about you and your WAS. This other person is simply an escape from the problems of the R. The WAS generally cannot handle or chooses not to handle the situations of the R so they escape.
This is why it is so important to DB for yourself...because you only have control over yourself and noone else. The premise is that through GAL, DBing and getting a PMA, is that you learn to live your life, without the needing of the WAS in it. Sometimes this makes your WAS more attracted to you. In any event, it makes you a stronger person.
The one thing if you can find out is what it is that the WAS is attracted to the op for...in my case, WAS is an alcoholic...so is ow...so they drink to their misery. Misery loves company. Mileage may vary in each sitch. But the common thread seems to be that they offer the WAS a new lease on life...a promise to start over and leave the past behind.
In my H's case, the o.w. provided him with the chance to recreate himself the way he wanted to be seen, and how he doesn't actually feel about himself. He told me he lied a lot about himself to her. He is actually a great man who has accomplished a LOT in life, been many places, etc. but he still doesn't feel it inside himself. o.w. hears all his stories for the first time, is impressed, and thus H. feels wonderful about himself. I was saying on flaneur's thread that it didn't matter that I already thought he was wonderful...he needed to hear it from someone new, someone who didn't know him before he'd accomplished so much. I think he feels I know the "real" him; o.w. knows the man he wants to be seen as.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Oh yes...forgot the lies...LOL...ow thought that Dave had a very successful business and was very angry at me for TAKING it away from him...she refused to believe that he actually didn't have the customer list and that his partner took the business away from him after he took ow to Houston for a fun filled weekend at the company's expense. Business partner had to get in ow face and tell her the truth and she still refused to believe it...Dave had filled her with lies or let's just say what he believed to be the truth. We think that ow was already starting to show the signs of financial duress and thought Dave was going to be her meal ticket...LOL she's been supporting him for 6mos now and ended up filing bankruptcy...oh well...
I'm going to reply to all the replies which I received. I'm learning a little, but pulling different quotes into one thread is something that I have not mastered yet. This is part of what I jsut posted in "we're seperated"
Quote: But he's committed to her. She's committed to him. He's on her cell phone account. She financed his new computer which I presumed he's making the payments on, just in her name. I understand this, I did the same things for my H. His first truck was in my name (dating). So was the second truck which I transfered title to him after he moved out. Basically she has decided that she is in this for the long haul. So is he, why am I even worried about getting her out through the little tangible things when she's the one he went home to last night?
Re: contact. I have decided that I will not initiate any contact unless I have to b/c I'm taking a kid to the hospital or something like that. I will not return any of his calls unless he leaves me a message. I'm sick of the missed calss from him that show up on my caller ID with no message. If it wasn't important enough to leave a message, then too bad. We have 3 toddlers. Our contact includes when he picks them up twice a week (unless he gets someone else to watch the kids which is frequent) he drops them at a sitter while I'm still at work. Some weekends he shows up to spend some time with the kids, others he doesn't. I never know, even when I ask, I get no advance input.
Re: Blame. Yes I blame him for walking out. No I do not blame him for all the problems in our R. I was blind to alot of the things that I was doing which made him unhappy, but I admit to doing it. its a control thing. I've stopped. That was easy- he's out there is nothing for me to control.
Re: What OW does for H-- she listens. he feels like he can tell her anything and she is starry eyed. Me, I say I am tired b/c I work 2 jobs, and take care of our 3 babies, and we need to clean the kitchen. Now that he has given up the R, the House and pretty much being a parent to his kids, he has none of those pressures.
Re: If only my H told me he was unhappy. Mine did. On 7/18 H told me that he wasn't unhappy, just not happy, didn't even realize it until he went away (W/OW) for the 4th of July to a competition. told me that we don't enjoy the same things anymore, and it's time for him to take care of him. I told him that we needed to try, that we made a promise and we owed it to eachother, our kids and God to try. He agreed. Then proceeded to p/u every extra shift available (or atleast tell me that's where he was) On 8/3, the next time I saw him, I said that in order to try he needed to be around, spend some time with me, begged for counseling. He got up and left. I didn't see him again until 8/6 when he informed me that he had signed a lease and made his peace with God.
The OW is an excape from the problems of the R. Absolutely. But where is the solace in that. Instead of dealing with the problems he escaped.
What attracted him to OW, she listened and validated. Made him feel good about himself. I've been validating and telling him how wonderful he is for months. It doesn't matter. All that has gooten me is a welcome sign on my forehead as I play doormat.
