Quote: What worked for my WAH is the fact that he left and wanted someone else. I finally realized how much I love him. (from another forum )
Rere, Just read some of your posts ( all over the place) from the last month. I find the concept of little sex between the W and H prior to the break up and then the w wants to be sexual after the H leaves. I feel like I am/was in the same position.
What I would like to hear from you is how do H/men get this message over to their W/women without leaving.
What could your H have said that would have changed your attitude about the R before him moving out? I am not about to move out right now, but I have been at that threshold several times.
I see other marriages in a similar situation to yours but the men have not moved to the separation stage. The guys are working on the R but the women are not changing their attitude much. My W thinks she is too old for much of a romantic/sexual relationship. I realize no one can make anyone else do anything they don’t want to do.
I have been given the advice “tell her, tell her, and keep telling her. Some of that has worked but I think my W feels entitled to more from me and others than is practical. I am not prince charming and she is not a princess in a fairytale book. We have been married 36 years.
(the older one) said he wanted an exclusive relationship with you and you indicated you would not have much/any contact with your H. I don't think you are being honest enough with him. Maybe he is ready to quit dating and you are just starting to date. Please investigate this more. It's OK he is in a different place. He has feelings and goals too that need to be considered.
How about saying "Hi, I am Rere, my H left me X months ago but we still see each other." "I don't know what my future with my H will be, so can we ( the two of us) just keep it light for a while."
I am not for anyone (date) controlling you but being vague or deceitful is not the way to go. Be honest with all guys you think you can trust. If you don't want to tell what your intentions are, say you can't tell them now, maybe sometime latter when you are more serious about the R. When you are not truthfull you have to undo the white lie. I don't think telling one guy you are not contacting your H but you stop by his RV is on the up and up.
If the guy is asking lots of questions about you and H, don't lie. You don't have to tell all of the details but don't string the guy along either. If he wants to move on, that is his choice or are you the only one who gets to make choices. You can say "here is where I am at now" and let the chips fall where they fall.
Maybe this guy is the right person for you but maybe not right now. Maybe you are not what hee needs right now. There are other people you both can date now and later. Take your time.
Quote: And I WILL take things slow. I plan on giving him enough hope that he'll still want to date me, but I'm not ready now for an intimate relationship with him.
Good attitude about not being ready!
Quote: I came home, put the roses in a vase, wrote a little on the forums, cried some, and then called my daughter in Charlotte.
Sorry to see you in pain but I think it is part of the process of separating. It's too bad you and your H can't work some of these things out in “get real” “here and now” type of counseling.
Don't know how readable this will be as I just discovered I had a new reply, and it's very late.
I actually have a hiking date tomorrow with the guy that asked for exclusivity on Friday, and a New Year's Eve date.
Yes, I did say that exact thing that you suggested, I told him that I saw my H sometimes. But then I really did go dark for almost a week and told him that I wasn't seeing my WAH. Well, I broke the dark over the holidays as you've probably seen in my latest thread on the Separated forum.
Let's get to your questions about how to get the W to be physical. To tell you the truth, I didn't think I could be all the way intimate because of my age and the fact that I don't take estrogen. This I found out is absolutely not true! I can and I am and I don't take estrogen, period.--though I do eat a lot of soy and other kinds of things.
The way that I'll suggest to you isn't popular, completely honest, or easy. But it may work. If your W thinks that you are interested in somebody else, this would probably change her stand on not being interested in Romantic intimacy.
Now how you can do it without actually finding someone else is your creative challenge. Remember, she just has to think that there might be a chance that she could lose you, and chances are this might bring her around. But of course there are not guarantees.
Sex, actually begins in the mind. And what we firmly believe becomes our reality. Sexual intimacy can happen at almost any age--if the person is physically fit. It's a matter of use it or lose it.
Thanks for the response, sorry I can't comment further. Hope to hear from you again.
good! Now he knows the score. If he continues to ask you out you don't have to feel like you are hiding anything.
Quote: If your W thinks that you are interested in somebody else, this would probably change her stand on not being interested in Romantic intimacy
I was hoping you would not say that, mostly because I am not much of a game player and W would be major PO'ed. I never dated two girls at one time, so call me square if you want to or call me a person with standards.
W said no one would want me so she did not have to worry about anyone going out with me but asked if I had a girlfriend on the internet several times.
I was doing some GAL things with a male friend from an old job 20 years ago and W asked me if I was gay???? Like no way.
Getting turned down a couple times a week and getting action a couple times a month and I get accused of everything from being gay, to over sexed, to no one would want me???? It just showes how insecure W can be at times.
Quote: she just has to think that there might be a chance that she could lose you, and chances are this might bring her around.
Well this is true. When I said she could move out or I would because of her shoppping addiction in Jan 2003, (mostly cured now but it took 4 years for her to change) she got all chummy and jumped me in bed.
I am going on my first vacation since 1986 and she does not want to go, but gets chummy some days.
Because of other similar incidents, I know my W would want to be more physical with me, but it is usually after some movement or sign that we won't be together for a while.
Back to the reason I asked my origional question, how to get my W more interested in a romantic/physical relationship with out leaving or talking about leaving. No reply necessary Rere. You gave your opinion and I thank you for it.
If I had some information to help you with your H I would be more than willing to post it. It seems like you are doing all of the right things, being his best friend, sex, and etc for 7 months and he is still more interested in playing the field. Sorry that what you are doing is not working for you so far.
I suppose not interacting with your H after New Year's Day like you intend to do is the next step for you and at least give the hiking BF a chance to make you feel better.
I used to believe in the "One and only" but it is changing to something else.
Just b/c you've never dated two girls at one time doesn't mean that you can't! Remember, I'm not talking sex here. Friendship is important.
I'm also interested in being a more spiritual person at this point in my life. Am reading Wayne Dyer's books. The three men in my complicated life all know this and last night I copied the Saint Francis of Assisi prayer onto a photo of an egret I took in Florida last year. I'm a pro photographer and will give each one an 8x10 glossy of this.
Lou, I was like your W. Before my H left, I really didn't care for sex at all. So from my perspective, my H doing what he did, generated an enormous amount of interest in him. No wonder he hasn't returned, he now has the best of both worlds. But like I said this will change after the New Year.
Yes, I feel that letting your W think that there may be someone else is really the way to go. I hate to admit it, but before my H left, I also told him that he wouldn't be able to find somebody else. Those words have haunted me now for seven and a half months.
I don't know what will happen. My hike was wonderful yesterday. We were on part of the Appalacian Trail, and hiked for four hours. We were going up hill though there were switchbacks. He was affectionate and I'll see him New Years Eve. He is very intuitive and wants reassurance constantly that it's over with my H. I believe that if he were not quite so needy in this area, that he'd have a better chance. My H on the other hand has an "indifferent" attitude, which makes me want him all the more. This goes to show you that being or acting indifferent is the best strategy.
I'm taking one day at a time. I'm not a spring chicken and feel that I'm not being immoral or anything of that sort. I know God wants me to do what I'm doing.
I don't know who I'll ultimately end up with. Maybe the man who's 9 years younger. He's taking it steady but slow with me. I spent Christmas Eve with him. We sang and prayed, went to dinner, kissed a few times. It was an enjoyable evening.
Use your creative energy to find a way back to your W. She's taking you for granted, like I did with my H. She thinks you'll be there no matter what. She needs to experience some fear of losing you.
Rere. I went on vacation by myself. First vacation of any type in 20 years. I called home every day. One day I was 25 minuets late and BB called me to see if I was dead or injured.
Now that I am home same indifference. Hope you are doing better.
Same indifference? Maybe a longer vacation next time, with longer lapses between calls.
I've told H that I want the divorce, that I can't live in limbo any longer. He isn't willing to commit to me, give up dating other women and come home.
We had a date on Sat evening--dinner and a movie. He was moody, drove fast, didn't like the movie, wasn't fun to be around.
I asked him to take us to a bakery/cafe near the house. I bought dessert and told him I accepted the d. At one point he asked why I wanted to do it so fast (it isn't fast, since we had to be separated a year to file and we have 3 months to go).
I responded that I had to get on with my life. This is the truth. I've found someone who wants to commit to only me, and we have so much more in common than my H and I.
So we talked a little about dividing up up assets. Then H said someting about we could still remain friends. I responded with "No, we can't." I told him I basically wanted no contact at all except for business.
When he took me home and before I got out of the car he reached to kiss me. I backed away and said,"I don't think so." I guess he will realize that this time it's for real and I won't cave like I did before. He knows I have somebody else now, and that I still love him, but will not put up with his disrespect any longer.
Re Rere At one point he asked why I wanted to do it so fast (it isn't fast, since we had to be separated a year to file and we have 3 months to go). I don't see it as fast either.
Then H said someting about we could still remain friends. I responded with "No, we can't." I don't think I could be friends for a long time. I would be thinking about what I wanted the R to look and feel like, knowing that the SO was not thinking something similar would be too depressing.
before I got out of the car he reached to kiss me. I backed away and said,"I don't think so." I would feel the same way. I could not be kissing my marriage partner while she was seeing someone else.
but will not put up with his disrespect any longer. It is called cake eating or having your Kate and Edith too.
Longer vacation? Well how about more shorter ones? And to give credit to BB or say I have my faults, I still have not moved much of my business inventory out of my house. I am looking for someone to buy the whole business.
Yes, I lose points for making promicies but it takes a lot longer than I or she thought to carry ou the promice and get the job done.
In my case BB loves me but does not like my business inventory in the basement and thinks she is too old for sex. She thinks I need to take a pill so I will have ED. I also complain about a dog she has that pees on anything new in the house. SSDD? yes.
I have read this thread with great interest....my WAH went dark on me for the better part of a year and half....one night we went out to a concert (I asked him to drive me because it was going to be late and I wasn't sure I could drive myself home).....we had a great time....he started kissing me.....I knew he had too much to drink but thought he knew what he was doing....next thing I know we are pretty intimate....things have been ok since that night....I still don't feel him wanting to be with me all the time but I do find him enjoying my company....I would like to feel desired and wanted but I can be patient....
He never gets jealous.....says he just isn't the jealous sort...me?...Oh I am all over on jealousy....hated when he had OW.....drove me crazy...
As for a W who isn't interested in sex....I know I had gotten into a lull a number of years ago....when I found my H looking for the passion on-line that he was lacking from me that woke me up and I found out that I could enjoy sex.....now I want it all the time.....before he left he was the one in a lull and I was the one asking all the time.....
I find it hard to not answer his calls, to not see him....I do make excuses to call....like the concert night.....he is my weakness....I have not really been involved with anyone else.....I had a brief EA.....after meeting the man I realized that I was not really attracted to him but rather the idea of him....so that died off.... now with my H back in the area and willing to show me signs of affection I don't feel the need for anyone else....I fantasize a lot about him.....he isn't a "looker" but he was always an awesome lover and just seeing him gets me worked up.....thus my inability to say "no" to him....
Sorry if this seems to ramble....just a lot of thoughts going through my head today....
She thinks I need to take a pill so I will have ED. 
I also complain about a dog she has that pees on anything new in the house. SSDD? yes.