Old Post Old Posts Above is the link for my older posts about a year ago.
Details. I'm now 51, ( not getting any younger ). The kids got tired of living with Mom and boy friend and moved back home with me full time. That's a whole story all by itself. When that happened, big fight with BF and daughter, the whole bunch of them got into a big fight and the kids came home, for good. XW told the kids at that point she was going to get away from BF only to go on vacation with him and get married a few weeks later ! Need I say more about her state of mind and level of MLC.
I did lay some ground rules when this happened and tried to distance myself from her physically and emotionally. I even tried to get interested in dating and moving on with my life to no avail. There were and are still to many deep feelings in my heart for her and I believe she is mentally ill.
She constantly floats in and out of contact and accepts my many kindnesses and gifts. Complains about her new husband and how abusive he is and how unhappy she is in her situation. Ambivolence is the word my IC used to describe her. She constantly complains about minimal contact with the kids and how the family dissaproves of her new marriage. By the way both of our families. I still have very good relationships with all her family as well as my own. Some of them think I am crazy for being as kind to her as I have been and think I should blow her off and forget her. Obviously these folks have never suffered any major relationship losses.... She has blown off all her previous close personal relationships and even those people have come to me and reassured me that they know it's her that has gone off the deep end.
I have resigned myself to the fact that I can't fully commit myself to a new relationship as long as I have feelings for my X. So in the mean time I continue to torture myself and I guess her too by DB'ing most of the time. A small example:
I put up all the xmas decorations before Thanksgiving so they would be ready to light on Thanksgiving night ( another hot button with her ) and on the back porch I had a nice candle burning one night she visited called Missletoe. Smells like a fresh cut xmas tree. Well, every time she came by in the next week or two she went nuts over this candle. So, while I was out Xmas shopping I picked one up, put it in a box with a nice red xmas ribbon on it and left it with her mail and stuff on the porch for her to pick up. My 17 yo D had a xmas concert which we were both going to and she picked up her stuff on the way to the concert. I was already gone when she came. When she got to the concert I asked her if she had picked up her stuff and she simply said yes without any mention of the candle. At intermission time she turned to me and said, "Thank you very much for the candle but you shouldn't have because I don't deserve it." I simply pointed at my heart and said it's still here, take it or leave it..... She then said I will take it home and think of you every time I light it and "he" doesn't have to know where it came from. Now tell me, does this sound like the thoughts and words of a sane person who dumped her husband and remarried and has a better life ? If she has these feelings for me what could possibly be holding her in an abusive relationship where she is miserable ?
I have heard form several people in the last few weeks, one girl who works with her today, that she is going to move to South Carolina in the Spring. Evidentually the new husband has some family in that area and is dying to get her out and away from my presence so he can totally isolate and control her. She hasn't told the kids yet. The only response I get out of her about it is that no one around her approves of her marriage and doesn't want anything to do with her including her kids so why stay around here any more...
I could go on and on but I suppose this is enough for now. D day 1 year anniversary date 12/23..... Merry Xmas to me. Divorce: The gift that keeps on giving ! Good Night ! DavidA
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
Sorry you didn't get a lot of feedback. I'd like to address what you wrote.
Quote: She constantly floats in and out of contact and accepts my many kindnesses and gifts. Complains about her new husband and how abusive he is and how unhappy she is in her situation.
This is really not a good scenario. I've known women like this and no matter who they are with they bad mouth them to potential other men. I don't think that it is a good position for you to be in. I've also know women who speak of abuse of some sort that never occurred. You are taking what she says at face value. Women that want to cheat usually do paint their husbands as an ogre. She likely painted you as an ogre when she was wanting a divorce.
Quote: She then said I will take it home and think of you every time I light it and "he" doesn't have to know where it came from. Now tell me, does this sound like the thoughts and words of a sane person who dumped her husband and remarried and has a better life ? If she has these feelings for me what could possibly be holding her in an abusive relationship where she is miserable ?
David, this will sound harsh, but I truly feel you need to let go completely and not pursue anything with your XW. If you were both divorced, but still single, I would encourage you to at least see if something could happen between your XW and you, but as it stands now, I have to say that trying to be the OM to a MARRIED woman is not fair to either your XW or her new husband. Do you know for a fact he's abusive? For all you know, her husband could be on this bb talking about how he thinks his wife is possibly cheating on him and asking suggestions on how to get her back. Like it or not, he's her husband and deserves the chance to make it work. Sorry for that, but this seems like dangerous ground you are treading.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: This is really not a good scenario. I've known women like this and no matter who they are with they bad mouth them to potential other men. I don't think that it is a good position for you to be in. I've also know women who speak of abuse of some sort that never occurred. You are taking what she says at face value. Women that want to cheat usually do paint their husbands as an ogre. She likely painted you as an ogre when she was wanting a divorce.
I'm no expert but I believe she is BPD. Couple that with hormone imbalances and an MLC and you get one mixed up lady. As far as her husband goes he is an alcoholic who has already abused 2 wives. He and his reputation are well known by many of the people in our families and friends which is why it is so difficult for all of us to accept what she has done. You are right the whole sitch is a bad scenario and it would be the smart thing to just walk away from it all.
Quote: Like it or not, he's her husband and deserves the chance to make it work. Sorry for that, but this seems like dangerous ground you are treading.
Being a husband means more than having a piece of paper. I respectfully disagree with you that he deserves the chance to make it work. He doesn't deserve anything, especially from me. My X is Catholic and was raised and lived the faith for most her life. According to her church we are still married. She hasn't even started annulment proceedings yet. So as you see the plot thickens. I'm not activly pursuing her. I'm showing her the love and kindness that she has walked away from. I am taking care of our kids without any help, physically or financially from her. I'm doing it with a smile and hoping that someday she will get some help and maybe see what she has left. Who knows maybe she will see it and still not want it. So be it. But in the mean time I'm not going to ignore her because of respect for her new husband. I've been through 2 years of IC and my C doesn't seem to have a problem with my attitude towards my X other than the fact he hates to see me not finding someone who is more emotionally my equal. More later, falling asleep.. David
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
Quote: I've been through 2 years of IC and my C doesn't seem to have a problem with my attitude towards my X other than the fact he hates to see me not finding someone who is more emotionally my equal
That sounds like a smart thing. The X's definitely make bad choices and as guys we want to be knight in shining armor, but my concern would be...if she was willing to leave her present marriage for you, what would stop her from leaving a relationship with you for someone else? It sounds like your IC is on to something in regards to someone who emotionally is your equal.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I just looked at your thread, you must have been married to my wife's twin sister. Do a search for jdd and check some of the bs my x has done. Very similar, bipolar and changing her mind every other month or two on which man is her "soulmate" ( I'm sorry but the word makes me ill).
Until your X wants help, gets C and proper medication and gives herself back to the Lord, she is only going to drag you down. Its easier said than done, believe me I know how hard it is to let go, especially with my faith and children involved, but we have to move on. We alone can not fix or control anything except what we do.
Quote: We alone can not fix or control anything except what we do.
Hi Jay, Quite right you are. We can only control what we do. We can choose to turn our back on our disturbed X spouses and leave them to find their own way or we can face them and not play games and simply treat them as we would treat them if they were still a valued member of our family. " Turn the other cheek" so to speak. I don't know about you but I sleep real well at night and I don't have ghosts haunting me about treating her badly or ignoring her. She can choose to accept my kindnesses and affection or not. Her choice. I know I can't fix her and I know I can't make her try and fix herself. I have not closed myself off to new relationships but I am not running around and making it my lifes ambition to find a new partner, yet. I still have a 15 & 17 YO at home to take care of and finish raising so I have my hands full anyway.
Just a quick story. I had physical with the old time family Doc last summer. He's in his 80's and has known our family for decades. My 17 YO daughter is the last baby he delivered. I had lost about 40 lbs and was thinking about quitting smoking and just needed to get checked up on as I had lost that much weight due to stress over the divorce. I told him my story and he was quick to respond he would have thrown her out quick and never looked back. Then I turned the tables on him and changed the story a bit. What if she had cancer instead of a mental illness what would you do then ? His answer wasn't quite the same. So as you can see situations like this do pose quite a moral dilemma to those of us who are directly affected.
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
Quote: What if she had cancer instead of a mental illness what would you do then ?
Very wise consideration. Yet, just as you wouldn't be able to control her approach toward her cancer, nor its outcome, you need to let go of any desire to make a specific outcome occur. This is her work. Her issue.
Just as loving parents love themselves first, I think great DBers take awesome care of themselves, pushing for as much personal growth as they can. That positivity will eventually affect the WAS, in ways unknown, but therein is your work.
I admire your steadfast fathering of your teens in this situation. That's the sign of a true man, and you'll have your pick of available women if it comes to that. But take great care of yourself - first.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours! I hope you experience great peace and happiness in the new year.
Quote: and you'll have your pick of available women
Where ? Where ? Maybe it's my frame of mind and the circles I travel in but the available women I find are all a little nuts. Some a lot nuts ! This is the average profile of the women that I look at that I find physically attractive on the dating sites. " Looking for a Tall, dark, handsome, rugged outdoor guy who makes a 6 figure income and has all the time in the world to spend with me..." Does this guy exist ? Just venting here don't read to much into it.
I haven't really been ready for this anyway as you can tell I'm still going through some issues. As I stated in a previous post I know I can't fix her or suggest she fix herself only move on with my life. I'm only saying in the mean time I will treat her with dignity and respect and not stoop to the nasty crap you hear so much about in the average divorce now a days. I try and live my life as a Christian and offer my forgiveness as much as I can not only for her sake but for mine.
No matter how many times I've been told and have read that it's a matter of time for a BS to recover and move on, we all look for the shorter path to get our lives back to a place where we can wake up in the morning with a smile on our faces and be happy with the lot we've drawn in life.
I am a firm believer of what goes around comes around. I don't want a bunch of nasty crap and troubles coming around back at me. This is why I live my life as I do and treat my X and everyone else the way I do. Have you ever seen the movie "Pay it Forward" ? A very powerful story about a little boy who started a movement to do something good for someone in need. Something that would be very difficult or near impossible for you to do. The catch is that the person you did this for was obligated to pay it forward to someone else. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the majority of the people in this world lived their lives this way ?!
My most difficult task that I am having trouble doing is offering forgiveness to the X's new husband. He was the third wheel that played a role in the demise of our marriage and I realize it's a giant step in the journey of my recovery to forgive him to his face. It's tough to rationalize and separate forgiveness from condoning the actions that led up to this whole mess and how he treats my X and my kids.
Seems all pretty simple when you spell it out here. But for me it's like trying to climb Everest. I don't know if I'll ever make it to the top, or die trying to get there.
Time to start making Xmas preparations. A Happy, Healthy and prosperous Christmas and New Years to all of you. May we be blessed with Peace and Love in the year to come.
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
I guess I should change forums because over the holidays my brain has taken over and is telling my heart to take a hike. It's becomming more and more obvious that the XW won't be turning around for a long time if ever at all. She continues to trash her relationships of her former life and has now dropped the bomb on my 17 yo dd that she is going to move to Myrtle Beach in the Spring. She hasn't the nerve to tell my 15 yo S as I think she knows it will break his heart and set their relationship back for a good long while.
I still have urges to call and to do things for her but I am not giving in to them anymore ( yet ) Like right now I am home alone with the kids both gone for the night and what am I doing but cleaning house, doing laundry, writing on this board and wishing I could find a great relationship with a good and decent woman, ( who's as horny as I am ) Yes I want it all ! and damn it I deserve it !
Patience Grasshopper, all in good time Well I hope you all have a good weekend.
TTFN DaveA
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
). The kids got tired of living with Mom and boy friend and moved back home with me full time. That's a whole story all by itself. When that happened, big fight with BF and daughter, the whole bunch of them got into a big fight and the kids came home, for good. XW told the kids at that point she was going to get away from BF only to go on vacation with him and get married a few weeks later ! Need I say more about her state of mind and level of MLC.
) 
Well I hope you all have a good weekend.