I should have listened to everyone and not snooped. Now I know who and where the OW lives and her phone number. I found her name in the papers of the garbage and found her address and phone # on Whitepages.com
What hurts so much is that he's written love letters to her and I read them. He sees me and we ML and he's telling her how much she means to him.
You see, every week he brings his bags of garbage here (from the RV where he lives five miles away)takes mine from the basement, and puts it all in front of the house for pickup. When I think of it, I do realize that he is stupid for doing this. He definitely does not want me knowing who she is, so don't you believe he would not put the evidence into the trash?
I really didn't want to snoop today. I always walk around our circular driveway for exercise, but they were late picking the trash up. After the forth trip around my curiosity got the best of me and I carried the bags into the garage and dumped them out.
What I found sickened me. Of course, in the back of my mind I remembered that my lawyer told me to get all the evidence that I could, so that was one of my rationalizations for doing it.
I found some letters he was writing to her, and some papers on a Zaba search. It's funny that he was doing the Zaba search now, since the relationship has been going on for two months. Anyone have any ideas why he might begin this now?
The hard part is that I have a date with him tomorrow night, and I'm afraid I'll let it out that I know who she is. I feel so horrible. I've cried all day and had a hard time doing my photo work I had to do. I want to stand him up tomorrow night, but I love him so much that I also want to see him. Maybe he's seeing me to keep my calm so I won't fly off the handle, or maybe he's seeing me out of guilt, or because the sex is so great--I don't know.
Quote: I should have listened to everyone and not snooped. Now I know who and where the OW lives and her phone number. I found her name in the papers of the garbage and found her address and phone # on Whitepages.com
Dear Rere, I know how it feels because I went through this myself recently. One thing is to know that he has an affair another is to see the evidence. But don't beat yourself up for snooping. It is painful, but it didn't make your situation any worse. In my opinion - better. I feel more in control knowing what's going on and with whom - than without knowing. Knowing the facts and having the evidence is powerful.
Quote: What hurts so much is that he's written love letters to her and I read them. He sees me and we ML and he's telling her how much she means to him.
Yes, it hurts big time to read it. In my case I did hear him say "I love you" and even witnessed audibly their sexual overtures in the car, my heart literally stopped, but I got over it and decided that this will make me strong. Knowing more about what's going on helps me in dealing with this. And since you already have this information and there is no way to go back, I hope you can see it this way too.
Quote: Of course, in the back of my mind I remembered that my lawyer told me to get all the evidence that I could, so that was one of my rationalizations for doing it.
And it was quite valid rationalization - after all you didn't do anything illegal as I did .
Quote: and some papers on a Zaba search. It's funny that he was doing the Zaba search now, since the relationship has been going on for two months. Anyone have any ideas why he might begin this now?
I have no idea what is Zaba search? Could you elaborate?
Quote: The hard part is that I have a date with him tomorrow night, and I'm afraid I'll let it out that I know who she is.
You will not! Rere, you are strong, smart, fabulous woman. And you able to be in control of everything YOU do. You are in control of your emotions when you really need to.
We go out every week with my H as usual and I have similar problem to yours. Here is how I deal with this. I go to google and find some jokes on the topic that will interest him, print the pages and I oull these jokes out in the restaurant, as soon as possible. It makes us laugh, even though it is not the same kind of laughter we had before, but it is enough to release tension. I am not able to rely on my own wit I used to have, so those printed pages is sort of a cheat sheet. It works for me. Try it.
Quote: "I've cried all day and had a hard time doing my photo work I had to do.
Make sure you cry before you go out - it will release stress. And will make your eyes prettier too
Quote: I want to stand him up tomorrow night, but I love him so much that I also want to see him. Maybe he's seeing me to keep my calm so I won't fly off the handle, or maybe he's seeing me out of guilt, or because the sex is so great -- I don't know.
Right. You don't know. Maybe he is seeing you because the greener grass on the other side of the fence is not as green as he thought. Or it was green but already lost its luster and he is coming to realization that he wants to be with you.
Keep DBing - you already know it works! And remember, you are fabulous, resourceful, intelligent. You will do what is good for you - no matter what. You are able to control your emotions - without doubt!!!!!
He fell in love with you once. It is very likely that he will fall in love with you again!
cheers, PandaWanda
Sunny greetings from Florida,
Wanda
My unusual MLC scenario
Panda has some really great advice for you! I would print that post and read it when you're feeling down.
As for snooping, I know you're not supposed to do it, but for me the knowledge has been power. I guess your heart needs to see enough to know the truth, but you don't need all the gory details. If you know he's having an affair and you know how far the affair has progressed, that's all you need to know. With my sitch, the lies continued until I uncovered the truth. Don't beat yourself up about snooping, just know that you may find something that will haunt you, which it sounds like you did!
Remember to act "as if" when you are with your H. Letting him know that you know about the OW won't help your cause. Act as if you were getting back with him soon and he just doesn't know it yet! Eventually he's going to get over himself and come to realize what an amazing woman you really are! God loves marriage and wants yours to be healed.
Pray, cry, take a walk, do whatever you need to do to put yourself in a better place before your date. Your strength and positive attitude will do more to affect him than letting him know that you snooped! You will do great! Let us know how it goes!
You guys are wonderful. I don't have time to write more. I have to go to the dojang to the belt ceremony and pitch in to get my red belt. Will print this out. Put in www.zabasearch.com and if you know their name and state you can get their addresses for 20 years, age, phone nums. free. It's wonderful all you need is their full name and the state--not even the city--it's public records. I love you guys--will let you know how it turns out. I tried calling both his numbers earlier and he must be with her.
Quote: Put in www.zabasearch.com and if you know their name and state you can get their addresses for 20 years, age, phone nums. free. It's wonderful all you need is their full name and the state--not even the city--it's public records.
Just becareful...I ran several checks...the information is not very accurate and certainly has not been updated in several years. Has no information on Dave for the past 8yrs. (I know where he has lived and none of those residences showed up just one from actually 10yrs ago). Nothing for Kimmie period!! Not here or in Wisconsin...very interesting. Guess she doesn't exist...and ran a few searches for other folks I know. So just keep your eyes open. I am in there but only my address here in Texas...nothing before that. Interesting though...God I hate big brother!!
