First, a quick recap for those that may not know me. H and I are both 35, together for 17 years, and married for 9 years. We have two kids – D5 and S2. He was very HD in the beginning, this petered off and I have been the HD one for the last 10-12 years. 18 months ago – things reached boiling point and we both agreed to make some changes. We now have an active, vibrant and satisfying SL. I have worked hard at overcoming my insecurities, and being more considerate of his needs and addressing them.
I have a question – specifically for the NOPS, but also for everyone else. What do you do with all the old hurts and memories? How do you deal with that? Is it just a matter of time?
I know time is the great healer, and I find that as new memories replace old ones, it is getting easier to let the past go. Still, I find there are days when something from the past jumps out to bog me down.
Yesterday, when I was cleaning, I found an old journal from 1999. I read a few entries – here is an excerpt.
“First comes the hurt and disbelief that he could reject me, that he can possibly not want me. Then comes shame, because I make myself so available to him, over and over again. After that comes anger and an urge for revenge – and I tell myself (and sometimes him) that the next time I will say no. Usually, shame returns because I know that the next time, it will probably be me making the first move again. Finally, there is grief, because I know that this is not the bigger crime – he does love me, he just doesn’t desire me that much. And also because I recognize my own part in setting myself up for the pain – yet again.”
All the old painful memories came rushing back, and I had to keep from breaking down completely in front of my 2-year old.
It is not that I am holding on to resentment. I have looked deep in my heart and I know the resentment is gone. I understand so much more now, and I understand that the pain of the past was the path way to the place we are in today. Still, I hurt. I often remember something from the past and I hurt so badly that I want to build walls around my heart. I wonder – if I am ever in another relationship, will I guard my heart fiercely against this pain, and end up hurting someone else?
We have come so far, but it only took an instant for me to be flooded with all that negative energy. To my credit, I did not break down, I was perfectly calm by the time H came home, we had a good evening with lots of EC. He was complimentary and sexually aggressive – all in all, it was a great night.
I want to let this pain go. I want to set myself free. I know I need to be patient, but maybe there is something I am missing here. I just don’t want to derail us in any way because I wasn’t able to overcome the past. I hope you guys have some good advice for me.
This is a very difficult thing. You MUST let go of the past. Just like couples where there has been an affair. Just like any couple where one partner was previously married or had another very significant relationship. We all drag bad and good memories around with us. I know you don't want to go back to where you were. Do you feel that your H has properly understood and apologized for what went before? It sounds like he demonstrates that he understands now. What happens if you have your cry then repeat the mantra "that was then, this is now"? Can you validate your own feelings then move on?
BTW - what finally helped him understand after 12 years of not?
Quote: We have come so far, but it only took an instant for me to be flooded with all that negative energy. To my credit, I did not break down,
From my POV I would not give you credit for "not breaking down" (if by that, you mean crying). I think you might have had very positive results if you had found some time by yourself (I know that's logistically challenging-- in the shower is a good place), and just cried and cried. My own experience is if I really let myself cry, mental clarity is an INEVITABLE result of that. If I don't achieve some kind of an insight, it means I didn't go far enough into it. It means I pulled back at some point and didn't finish (not unlike pulling back before you get to an O-- leaved a very "unfinished" feeling).
Again my opinion, you can "let go" of a certain amount of resentment, but if you still get such a charged reaction, it means some little sealed bubble is still there waiting to be released. The crying releases it. Then it truly is gone.
It's like a splinter. You may think you got all of it, but that place on your finger or toe is still sensitive. You can't just talk yourself out of it, or put a bandaid over it. You have to remove the rest of the splinter. Then the place is sore, but not "charged" any more. And then it can heal.
What I would suggest is that you wait until you can be alone for a while, away from home (maybe even sittin in the car in a parking lot-- the car is a great place to cry), or in the bathtub or somewhere where you will not be disturbed for a half hour or so, and get yourself back in that mood, then this time BE with it, and journal, and flush out all the lingering feelings and let yourself FEEL them.
By all means, I would NOT bring this up with your H-- this is work that I believe you must do on your own. I think you will find that with this approach, you will answer your own question "how do I truly let go" and actually be able to do it. (You may have to repeat it a few times... you will know when you are done.)
I find it helpful to keep a detailed record of all the times I've been wronged, set aside an hour each week to review that record, and then, no less than once a month, explode at the person out of nowhere, and confront them angrily with minute details of all their faults and how the relationship will be forever crippled because of their past actions (or inaction).
Or, you could hold fast to the maxim: forgiveness is a gift your give yourself.
I have also found that voodoo dolls work rather well.
Hairdog (who is, of course, just kidding. But I'll remember that you had so little confidence in me just now to allow yourself to believe, just for a second, that I was honestly contemplating such evil. Yes, I'll remember that. Forever.)
Julie, This may sound simplistic to you but I just choose not to think about it. There is no going back and erasing it. There is no way for him to "make it up to me". So I choose not to think about it. It hurts really badly to do so.
Sometimes things will come up to remind me of those times and, you are right, it all comes back so swiftly doesn't it. But I then choose to concentrate on the here, now.
It helps me tremendously that I have an H who listens to me, if I need to talk about it, acknowledges his part in it, but doesn't get bogged down in endless apologies or defensive excuses.
Does he know/remember how much he hurt me? Oh hell no.
Still, I gotta move on and focus on how much he knows NOW and the things that he's doing with that knowledge.
I'm going to kind of echo what the others have said. Those pains do linger for a long time sometimes....but for me, putting those things in the past is a decision I make. Sometimes I have to conciously set those things on the shelf when the rear their ugly head until they do eventually fade away.
Sometimes though, if I'm alone I just let it out....I'll have a good cry or whatever....and go through that emotion to let it out of my system. That's one less piece of it bottled up in side me that I have to worry about setting back on the shelf.
Let me add... that in my mind this is NOT about getting it right with the other person, or clearing the air with them, or letting them know how much they've hurt you or anything like that. It's about defusing the land mine, so you don't have to worry about stepping on it again and blowing it up. This is work to be done in your own soul, healing yourself from within...
Once you truly feel you have removed the detonater pin (cap? whatever blows the thing up) you may still have a reaction when you encounter the memory, and THEN you can put it out of your mind, ignore it, distract yourself, etc. This is after you have gotten past the place where your immediate reaction is to burst into tears, have to choke the tears back, have to FORCE yourself not to think about it, etc. If you're still having a reaction at that magnitude, there's work left to be done.
Yeah, looking back on that crappy time will never make you happy, but processing it will reduce that memory to the size of a small speed bump instead of the concrete barricade that you have to detour around (but you know it's still there).
Your post makes me feel sad and hopeful at the same time.
Sad, because your journal entry from 1999 could have been written by me (and probably many others on this board) today.
Hopeful because you've gotten past it and, seemingly, fixed the problem. It sounds like you are a real live "success story."
Sad again, because even with your success, the "bad old days" still haunt you sometimes.
My advice is to let yourself feel angry and sad at times. Cry when you need to. Then think about where you are and where you were; how far you've come. Think about all your friends out here in SSM land, and how much we'd love to have a fraction of your success. Then smile and get on with your day.
When I start gettting thought of the past events, I try and remind myself that that was a different time and place in our lives, what matter now is the here and now. Sometimes I also make a little prayer to forgive and ask for help to allow me to forget.
I will have to get to your question on Friday. I've run out of time and energy for today.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
