How to hold my tears?

[PandaWanda]

My husband has a long term affair - the OW is pushing for divorce, he resists and tells her he needs more time. To me he says that no matter what he will never leave me and he wants us to live together forever and that he still loves me. We live and sleep together (but no sex) and we are genuinly nice to each other, especially now, after I learned to do and say the right things.

But he is totally wrapped around her, obsessed even, sees her several times per day, constant talks on the phone. I am working the DB program and I know that I have a very good shot to live through the duration of this affair even if it takes a long time. The problem is that quite often I just cannot hold my tears -- they just appear by themselves, against my wishes, more often than I wish, in very undesirable moments. Sometimes I manage to run to another room or bathroom and not show it, but sometimes I am just not able to hold on and start to cry in the middle of the sentence.

Do you have any suggestiins how to get better control? I am holding up emotionally pretty good, but there are some hours that I can't do nothing else but just cry... What should I do?

thank you for your help,
PandaWanda

[Rere]

Hi PW,

I have the same problem as you about the crying especially at certain moments. I may have mentioned the book There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem before, but reading something like this might help you. I know when I feel the tears coming on, I picture my pain becoming peace. And many times I truly can feel the peace inside me replace the sadness.

Have you tried St John's Wort? Some good recent research has shown it's as good as the prespricption stuff without the side effects.

You are in a good position in your sitch since your H is still living with you. Mine is gone, though we do date and have regular sex, I would rather him be here and doing this stuff.

Hang in there and hope my few suggestions help.

Rere

[NYsurvivor]

My husband has a long term affair - the OW is pushing for divorce, he resists and tells her he needs more time. To me he says that no matter what he will never leave me and he wants us to live together forever

Hang on a sec... to which one of you is he telling the truth?

It may very well be that both of you have a pull on him. She has an emotional tug which has him "totally wrapped around her, obsessed even" (and which, because it's emotional, could ultimately win out), and with you, he has a vision of 'living together forever'. Neither of these scenarios deal with reality on his part.

That suggests he has a conflict about letting go (of either one of you). This status quo can go on for some time! Either you have to excel at meeting his emotional needs far better than the OW, or you need to drop the rope and let him experience whatever it is he's looking for outside the marriage, hopefully that he'll find it was an illusion.

The problem is that quite often I just cannot hold my tears... sometimes I am just not able to hold on and start to cry in the middle of the sentence. Do you have any suggestions how to get better control?

Outside of actively avoiding thoughts that you already know will bring on tears, there's not too much you can do. Sometimes, you can acknowledge to yourself that you feel down, that it's OK to feel that way, and tell yourself you'll deal with those feelings later. They have to be dealt with. Some people find it worthwhile to take a little alone time to vent, perhaps writing out everything they're feeling (never showing it to their mate). Others find that when these thoughts come, they substitute another action; they go for a walk, for example.

[kalley79]

PW,

I am also very much like you. Sometimes my mind can be on something else and out of the blue tears just start rolling down my face. I think it is because we mask how we really feel to accommodate our spouses.

We live and sleep together (but no sex) and we are genuinely nice to each other, especially now, after I learned to do and say the right things.

You learned to deny yourself and give to him. The thoughts still run through our minds, we just say or do something else. The bottled up emotion has to go somewhere. So it comes out in tears. Like a pressure cooker, after it heats up so much steam starts to come out. The same with us. After we feel so much pressure the tears start to flow. I think that journaling is a very good idea. I find that when I look back on situations I made it through and times while I was writing that I really didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day, it encourages me because I did make it through and I'm still standing. You are also able to see where you have grown or where you are still struggling. I am a people pleaser. In a marriage where the spouse is not clear about their intentions sometimes we do everything in our power to make them want us, turn back to us, and love us. But you can’t make someone do what they don’t want to or what is not in them to do. Try to do some 180’s. It is helping me. You are not alone. As I am talking to you, I’m telling myself the same thing. We have to care about ourselves more then we care about them. Tears are your way of coping right now. You are in a situation that is not easy and I’m sure is very hard on your self esteem all around well being. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take some walks by yourself or long drives where you can just be free to cry all you want. The key though is after you shed your tears, you wipe your eyes, blow your nose, get back up and keep fighting. Don’t stay in that place of woe is me. Have your cry, make it a good one and then dust yourself off and keep going. Sooner or later you will find that you cry less and are not so bottled up. I’m praying for you and you are not alone.

Kalley

[PandaWanda]

It may very well be that both of you have a pull on him. She has an emotional tug which has him "totally wrapped around her, obsessed even" (and which, because it's emotional, could ultimately win out), and with you, he has a vision of 'living together forever'. Neither of these scenarios deal with reality on his part.

That suggests he has a conflict about letting go (of either one of you). This status quo can go on for some time! Either you have to excel at meeting his emotional needs far better than the OW, or you need to drop the rope and let him experience whatever it is he's looking for outside the marriage, hopefully that he'll find it was an illusion.

I agree with your aseesment, not sure what you mean by "dropping the rope" and "outside the marriage" - isn't this hanky panky affair that goes on for over a year already outside the marriage? I hope you don't suggest that I file for divorce.

It looks like I will be able to addres now his emotional needs way better than OW, with all those DB strategies that I just started to use, especially in contrast whith the behavior of OW -- the roles are being reversed!!!! She talks now about having sleepless nights full of anxiety (welcome to the club, b#%^&)

I wrote about it in more detail under the thred "Dealing with The Other Woman".

Thank you for your suggestions about dealing with tears. This appears to be now my greatest challenge.

cheers to all of you,
PandaWanda

[NYsurvivor]

not sure what you mean by "dropping the rope" and "outside the marriage" - isn't this hanky panky affair that goes on for over a year already outside the marriage? I hope you don't suggest that I file for divorce.

Nowhere was I suggesting that you divorce.

"Dropping the rope" has to do with you living your life without any consideration for H's part in it. Sends a message that he's losing you, which he may not want to do.

New information from your other thread to now consider here: your H has told the OW that he's looking to end things with you by getting you to the point where you won't accept his behavior anymore. So, if you were to drop the rope and he couldn't care less, would confirm if that's really his plan or not.

"Outside the marriage" meant whatever it is that he's unresolved with you and getting from her, or seeking for himself.

[PandaWanda]

I am also very much like you. Sometimes my mind can be on something else and out of the blue tears just start rolling down my face.

That is exactly what I meant. Just right now, I was calm and even relaxed, writing this message, and all of the sudden, bum,here they are again...

I think that journaling is a very good idea. I find that when I look back on situations I made it through and times while I was writing that I really didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day, it encourages me because I did make it through and I'm still standing. You are also able to see where you have grown or where you are still struggling.

I tried many time journaling but somehow it didn't work for me. I saw some people here use the board as a sort of journal, I think I will try that. It will be good for me and good for someone else who might go through similar problems...

I am a people pleaser. In a marriage where the spouse is not clear about their intentions sometimes we do everything in our power to make them want us, turn back to us, and love us. But you can’t make someone do what they don’t want to or what is not in them to do. Try to do some 180’s.

Hugging and sleeping close to each other is my 180 - I was the one who created distance, but I see that it was driving him further away. In our relationship he is the people pleaser and weak, needy person, I am normally very self-assured with high self-esteem, but this kind of problem can rob anyone of feeling good...

I am working on other 180 - I am still new with DB, but I see instnt results after implementing just a few changes in my behavior...

I am afraid to let go our meals together.
Should that be my 180?

You are not alone. As I am talking to you, I’m telling myself the same thing. [/quoye]
Kalley, it is so helpful to read your words, thank you for your support... This board is unbelievable support for me in this crisis. I am so thankful that I found this place.

We have to care about ourselves more then we care about them.

True, very true. I must say, that I do take care of myself, and my H helps me in this too..

Take some walks by yourself or long drives where you can just be free to cry all you want. The key though is after you shed your tears, you wipe your eyes, blow your nose, get back up and keep fighting.

That is a great suggestion, I love driving, just thinking and listening to music. I have also a boat that is still in repair, but will be back on water any day now, that will be also a huge stress buster.

I’m praying for you and you are not alone.

Thank you Kalley - from the bottom of my heart!

PandaWanda