Whew! Ok, given my mood tonight, I have new advice. I want you to LET OFF STEAM! Relax, whoop it up, blow a gasket, jump off the deep end, let it all hang out, party like it's 1999, whatever.
Now I KNOW that you are hampered by not being able to do the two things that are the most fun for accomplishing that - beer and a date with BigAl to his party tonight, no wait I mean beer and sex with H - so I have some alternative suggestions.
1) Step out in the backyard and yell your fool head off, loud enough to annoy the neighbors. Make the old lady across the street keep her husband from calling the cops by saying "It's ok dear. She's pregnant."
2) Flirt with phase3 like he was the last man on earth. Send him e-mail's describing unmentionable things and suggest he accidentally leave them where his W can see them. Make sure to call him stud muffins. He likes that.
3) Dance around naked (in a private place) and sing a stupid 80's song at the top of your lungs (I suggest Cheap Trick's "Surrender").
4) Write a story about that starts "Once upon a time..." and ends with "But the beautiful princess told the errant knight that he could kiss her a$$ and ran off with the seven dwarves"
5) Just hang out here on the boards all night and vent.
The "old" P&DB would tell him to f**k off, because now that I can deduce he's been seeing her for some time, I don't feel like *I* should be the one trying to chase him. And I want so badly to tell him that. I want to be done working on the M, but I don't necessarily want it to *be* done. Does that make sense?
I guess at the end of the day, I want to see some remorse from him. I want to see the guilt instead of the anger. But from everything I read, that's not going to happen. So where does that leave me? Continuing to put effort into saving my M? Or do I just throw in the towel until he's awake from whatever nightmare he's living in?
Right now I can't decide if I want to continue being the water, or if I want to let my ego get the best of me. I feel like my M is doomed no matter what I do, so why not go out in that hardcore fashion he admires so much? Why don't I just tell him to f**k off, then sue both their freakin' socks off? Why *don't* I do that? I decided to snoop so I could have the legal angle I needed to blow his sorry a$$ outta the water. I was getting ready to accept blame for his leaving. I actually bought into his sh!t!
I had to know the truth. That's all there is to it. There was a reason everything came down the way it did.
But I really have to wonder, without *me* working on the M, what's going to happen to it? He's ready to give up. I'm tired of trying. So that's that? We just go about our merry ways?
One of my *biggest* fears is that I'm going to get over him. I'd like to say I could leave the door open for a while. But if he's not walking through it, I know how I am. I've done this a million times. He leaves and stays gone for a while. I'm humiliated and ticked that I'm sitting at home preggo while he's out, able to do everything he wants to do, including getting laid. My anger builds over the months, even though I'd still take him back. The baby's born. He realizes he wants to be with me. By then, *I'm* able to go out and do what I want to do, including getting laid. I'm able to go out with friends and drink 2 or 5 or 12 drinks. F**k him!! He left me for that long, and just when *I* can live *my* life again, he wants to throw his sorry foot in *my* door? No. I'll be done.
There is so much in your post that I really relate to. These feelings of "what do I do now and why am I even trying?!?" This whole process is maddening! I am like you, the old me would have told anyone else to f*** off and move on with my life. I think the big difference here is that you haven't given up on your morals. You believe that marriages are supposed to work. You believe in the best for your children. You believe in love. Your H is so disillusioned right now he can't see the forest from the trees.
You really should give yourself some credit! I'm still inspired by the way you handled yourself when you found your H with his pants down, literally. I actually caught my H making out with his OW on Thursday night and I didn't handle it as well as you did. I even thought of you and how much better you reacted to the sitch than I did. It's amazing though that I read your post and your sitch and then I had my own just a few days later. I guess the Lord prepares us for things so we can deal with them as best as possible. You're not full of hot air - you have great insight to help others!
It's so tricky to figure out how to really deal with the sitch to get the outcome we desire. You have been doing things really well, since your H even said he was recommiting to your marriage. Yes, he stumbled, but there's a theory in education that may help explain things. When you have a student that is acting up and has developed a pattern of bad behavior, it takes time to break them of that behavior. Just when they're at the point of almost self-correcting, there's what's called an "extention burst" and the behavior will re-erupt, often worse than before. It's like their own last-ditch effort to continue the pattern, even though they realize what they are doing is wrong. Your H is a big child right now! Yes, he recommitted to you, but that's why he was with her "one last time." It's his last ditch effort to say goodbye to this distructive pattern he's fallen in to. It's weird, but I've seen it happen with students many times. These guys have the mentality of an elementary school student anyway, so it makes sense that those theories would apply
Vent here on the board anytime - you certainly have the right and we're all here to help!
My name is Theresa and I am in a similar situation, I am 7 wks pregnant and my M is falling apart. My H is living at home but it is like we are separated. We have been M for almost 9 years and have been informed he is not nor has he ever been attracted to me and did not ever love me. He is not happy about the baby. I was the one trying to work on the M. I too have stepped out and have become detatched from the M. I wish you luck and what a crappy situation and hope that you become stronger!!! I hope you have a ton of support, it seems like these boards are very good. We are in counseling but right now I feel like walking away and throwing my hands up. Of course that could be the hormones!!!
Andrea and Theresa, thanks so much for your warm wishes and for taking time to respond.
I'll be back a little later. I'm having a little spiteful fun with H right now. I've gotten him so angry that he's throwing tools out in the garage. Luckily, he has stopped just short of throwing them at me.
Ah everybody chill out. I'll be okay. I'm thinking that if he blows off enough steam we may be able to talk again like the ape and human we are. Me being the human, of course.
He just drove off and told me he'd be back in 10 minutes. I promised that as long as he's in my driveway, I'll be out there irritating the sh!t outta him. I must deliver on my promises. I've quit trying to save my M, so my sitch -- I can assure you -- will no longer be too inspirational. But it's sure to be fun. So stay tuned...
Sometimes it's fun to just play with them a bit. Don't worry, you have every right to be a little "crazy" and mess with him! I call it KARMA! You can always blame it on the hormones!
Hey, guys! Taking another break. H had to take a wheelbarrow back down to his house. Told me he'd be back in 5 minutes so we could hang out more. Obviously, he's being very sarcastic.
Geez, wait until you hear how angry he got!!! Whew! I told him I'm going to behave in a manner that's a mirror reflection of him. If he acts ridiculous, I'll act ridiculous. If he acts nice, I'll act nice. I don't have a M to save anymore, so who cares about the flippin' rules, eh? Let's have a little fun.
However, please do not try this at home. I *am* a trained professional.
Shucks. I barely missed him. Went back outside and he was pulling out of the driveway. Backed into my hedges, which was hilarious.
Reminds me of the week after he left, when he rode off on his bike, all angry and stupid. He wrecked on the way out the driveway, threatening to commit suicide.
Anyway, when I first got home, H was here working on his van. I said something to him, trying to be upbeat. He was short in return, and I asked, "Are we back to not talking again?" And he simply replied, "Yes." I kinda snapped. Yes, I pushed. Like I said, I'm through with rules. My sitch breaks the rules anyway. I'm tired of going to bed crying and waking up crying because of how dumb I feel for validating what he's doing. He has run over me like a freakin' 18-wheeler, and I've let him. And cried for it. I'm done with that.
I tried to talk nicely, and that's when he started going off. Get this: The sunuvabitch said, "I gave you another chance and you blew it." WHAT???? I said, "That's funny, because I thought I was giving you another chance, and you blew it." He started in with the hate speech again. Told me I had set everything up. He said, "On Wednesday, you were the same manipulative b*itch I've always known you to be. You knew what was going on, and I think you set the whole thing up." I said, "Don't you find that it takes more faith for you to believe that than just to believe that I was simply bringing you a gift, since just the night before you had told me that the best way I had showed my love to you when we were together was through giving you handmade gifts?"
Anyway, he started telling me (again) how he never loved me. How I used him for his money. . How I used him for everything. I told him that was nonsense. That I'll be getting a lot more of his money now that he's gone than I ever did when we were together. He told me to "take everything. I don't want anything. Take everything I have." Then, he said, "Get the f*ck outta my house." I felt like we were right back to Sept. 16. I started laughing and told him this wasn't his house anymore -- that his girlfriend was going to pay for it for me. Ouch. But it felt soooo d*mn good. Down, girl, down.
He started slinging tools, rared back to hit me once, and I laughed and dared him. Nevermind I coulda whooped his a$$ -- yes, even preggo, I believe. I told him to do it. To give me one more thing to rake him over. He just started slinging stuff in the garage, yelling so loud I thought the neighbors were going to call the cops. I just stayed there and let him be rude. Told him he needed God.
I told him he would get tired of his girlfriend (J) -- that obviously he already had. And in three years from now, when he had totally lost love for her, that there would be a 3-year-old little boy that would still be here, wanting his dad's love. That's when H went nuts again. "F*ck that kid. I never wanted that f*ckin' kid to begin with. I never want to see it," blah, blah, blah. Again, the same crap he was saying in Sept. when he left.
I reminded him we were at this angry stage just a few months ago and he pulled it together recently. He said, "I was just doing that because I was trying to do the right thing, but I don't care anymore." Started alluding to suicide. I told him not to do it 'til I popped the popcorn, and he went nuts. "You wanna watch me die? Is that what you want?" I told him as long as I was still listed on his insurance, that his money was more dependable than he is. Geez, I'm starting to realize how b*tchy I was.
He finally chilled out a little, but it wasn't in a good way. I had pulled up a chair to where he was working. Told him I would sit there and irritate him until he finally stopped coming over. It was almost like two mad people trying to have a convo. By mad, I mean crazy. Really. Asked him, in a joking way, if he'd still be changing my lightbulbs. He said maybe. Asked if he still planned to teach the baby how to ride a bike. He said maybe. Of course I think he was just being sarcastic at that point.
I asked him if he had ever been sexually abused as a child. And he didn't say anything. I told him -- again this was the "mad" convo -- that there was obviously some reason for all of his anger, and that he was directing it at me because he knew I was safe. He said, "Oh, this is nothing." He still didn't answer my question.
I've come to the realization that he's a nut job. And yes, maybe I am a little, too. But I decided, come hell or high water, I would *not* go to bed again tonight feeling like I had been run over by him. If I was going to hurt -- and I will -- I'll do it with some dignity.
WHAT???? I said, "That's funny, because I thought I was giving you another chance, and you blew it." He started in with the hate speech again. Told me I had set everything up. He said, "On Wednesday, you were the same manipulative b*itch I've always known you to be. You knew what was going on, and I think you set the whole thing up." I said, "Don't you find that it takes more faith for you to believe that than just to believe that I was simply bringing you a gift, since just the night before you had told me that the best way I had showed my love to you when we were together was through giving you handmade gifts?"