I'm moving here from Separated, though I'm not quite sure it's time. Here's a brief synopsis of my sitch:
I'm 28. He's 32. Married almost 2 years; been together 3 ½. I have D8 and D9 from a previous marriage, and I'm 18 weeks pregnant now. Two weeks after I found out I was preggo, H came home from work (on Sept. 16) and dropped the bomb -- out of absolutely nowhere. No indication, no warning. Everything had been beautiful up to that point. He had convinced himself the baby might not be his. He didn't start with the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" stuff. He went straight for the throat: "I hate you. You make me sick. I've never loved you. I've been lying to you for three years."
I tried to rationalize with him for two weeks, when he would stop by to pick up more of his things. But he wouldn't have it, so I finally gave up. Tried to interest him in the baby to no avail. Told me he didn't want to have anything to do with him/her. I went completely dark for three weeks, then gradually came out, asking him to do me favors like change the oil in my car. That was right before Thanksgiving. Since, we've been mending things, and he took me on a date this past Saturday. He's going with me to the baby's ultrasound tomorrow and says he's excited.
So why am I not ecstatic?
Here's why: Exactly two weeks ago, my H was telling me "It's over. I want out." Two days later, he's ML to me (which was the first time since we've been apart), but he still says he wants to go through with the D. A week later, he's calling me to see if he can pick anything up for me at the store. Says he doesn't know if he wants to be separated anymore. Is calling this his "home" again, though he's still living across the street at a friend's house. He says he wants the baby to have both mom and dad under the same roof.
But he's still not home. His mood seems to change from day to day. After the Saturday night date, he came over Sunday night for family night. He was lying on the couch with me, though it was kinda weird. I think being physically close makes him feel awkward around the girls. He hugged me before he left last night. It wasn't too impressive. Then today he came over for lunch to pick up something out of the garage. I gave him some leftover food. He told me he had to leave, but he stood there until I was finished doing whatever, waiting on a hug from me. He kissed me on the cheek. When he came back over later to meet the alarm system guy, he was much colder. He said goodbye to me while I was sitting in my car, cleaning it out. I guess maybe he was waiting for me to get out and hug him, but I didn’t want to initiate anything. He just left and said he’d see me for the appointment in the a.m.
And I think that's what's getting to me. I'm waiting for him to make *every* single move. If he makes it, good. If he doesn't, fine. But it's driving me crazy to go back and forth this way. It's not like he's being mean. He's just being hot and cold. I know I need to detach, and I believe I have as much as I possibly could in the past three months.
But my anger toward him for seemingly cutting his feelings off and on is coupled with the fact that I'm sick of him playing the victim in this sitch. I'm validating his feelings. And I'm tired of doing it. I'm tired of making him feel that everything he's done to me is okay, and that I understand.
I know I should be elated about the progress we’ve made. But the fact is that I handled the "dark" sitch a lot better. I didn't have these emotions. Our R was done. Period. Now, every day is something different. He pulls back a little, then gives a little. And I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. Do I pull back when he pulls back? What if he *wanted* me to get out of the car today to give him a hug? I didn't because he didn't feel "warm" to me. One day I feel loved; he’s holding my hand, kissing me in public. The next day, we’re at home, and he avoids me like the plague.
Right now, I just don't know which way is up, quite frankly. I guess these feelings are normal. I know this is going to sound stupid, but I feel like we made it to this point so rapidly, and now everything’s at a standstill. He insinuates that he’s coming back home. But when? He says he wants all of us to live under the same roof. But when?
And now I have this OW problem. H told me Saturday that he had taken her out a few times, but “nothing happened.” Said she was really cool, but things were getting too serious, too fast. So he broke it off with her right before he started hanging around the house again.
I’m just bitter right now. That’s all. Just really bitter. Maybe things will look up tomorrow.
Congratulations to Piecing. Whew lady! if you've made it back this far this fast don't get bitter now! be grateful, and just let the ups and downs happen, as you know they will. He's having all sorts of thoughts about what if and how maybe too, just like you are. I suppose you're walls have been up too, and it's hard to let them come down knowing there might be more pain ahead. You have to decide if you want to work thru the pain, or not.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
All right. Let me try again. I was interrupted last time...
I think you may need to ask yourself a thing or two. Do you want this to work? If you do, then you may have to validate some things you don't necessarily agree with.
More importantly, it seems to me (not like I know) that reconciliation can get really bogged down in antsy anticipation and worry. Am I doing the right thing? Wne will the other shoe drop? When is it my turn to be vindicated for being hurt? All understandable but dangerous thoughts.
I'm sure it may seem impossible, but since you are the strong broad type, maybe you can just be yourself instead. At this point, he has 'd you twice in a week and took you out on a date. It seems to me that it would be fairly safe to just hug and kiss him if you get the urge. Doesn't seem like pushing anything to me. Remember, he needs some reassurance that (a)you are not just playing him and (b)he is the only one for you. Why not give it to him by doing loving things that you actually enjoy?
When he seems cold, you may want to ask yourself if YOU are necessarily the cause. Sometimes people feel bitchy for completly different reasons than their spouse, ya know?
I don't blame you for feeling "What about me?" Question is, what is it you want? To stay married and move back in together? If so, then THIS IS what you are doing for you.
Sorry preggo, you just KNEW I was going to read this.
Hey thanks, guys. I fell asleep early (again) last night! I'll write more on this later. You both seem to be in tune with the same question. I'll think about it and be back.
Right now, I just don't know which way is up, quite frankly. I guess these feelings are normal. Hold on GF, the ride's just starting! It seems to be a common theme on this thread. Things look up, and there's still frustration involved. I totally agree with you that it's easier to deal with the dark at times. It's a *known*. This piecing is a mystery and it takes a lot of patience to watch a R evolve not knowing what the end result will be. Moving on and divorcing is painful, but it's more of an individual thing. It's complicated to do this when we must rely on someone that has at times destroyed our trust.
Hang in there! There might be a lot of ups and downs, but your H's realizing he isnt sure it's over is major progress!
Thanks so much. I posted over there. I'm so ready to throw in the towel right now. I'm ready to strangle him, actually. But I don't believe in violence.
Funny how these situations make a person change their minds about things like violence...
A friend asked me if I was angry about my situation. I simply told her that if I really allowed myself to feel the amount of anger that I have regarding the whole thing, I would most certainly be in prison because someone would be killed!!!!!
'd you twice in a week and took you out on a date. It seems to me that it would be fairly safe to just hug and kiss him if you get the urge. Doesn't seem like pushing anything to me. Remember, he needs some reassurance that (a)you are not just playing him and (b)he is the only one for you. Why not give it to him by doing loving things that you actually enjoy? 
