Well I made my first post 6 months ago. And there have been some changes in my situation but not alot since I first came here.
When I came here I was already doing the loosely scheduled sex. With a min of 8 times a month. As of last month I upped the antey to 10. I found that though I meet the min I seldom find need to exceed it by much so maybe if I change the number in my mindset slowly that it will help to better fill H's needs and wants. But I doubt it. It seems like the more he gets the more he expects.
The H has developed a bit of a problem of my marking our sex life on the calander. I think it is because he always could play the victim and say we had not had sex in weeks when in fact it had only been days and now I have something to justify my calling his BS out. He has done everything from accuse me to marking days down that we did not really have sex to just getting ugly about it. I simply asked what would be the since in that this was something I started and is to motivate me to make sure I do not slip from meeting a understandable amount of his needs. I also offered him the option of initialing the days I mark. Pretty much takes the wind out of his sail and he lets it go at that. The who initates it demon has reared its ugly head in our bedroom a few times. H started complaining that I don't initiate enough.Which finally I just simply stated when I want sex I tell you or start it. If you want it then you need to do the same. If you lay there waitting on me to start it when I am not the one horny that is your bad and you will remain that way waitting. I own my wants own your own. I don't reject you that often anymore nor go into it with a shitty attitude so fear of rejection two or three times a month is your own demon not mine you can either deal with it or remain horny. I think the hardest part in this for me is the trying to sort through when he wants sex vs when he does not. As stated before my H gropes me alot. This has been big issue in our relationship. H has stated that just because he feels me up does not mean he wants sex. I have tried to make him understand that when his actions are the same to just get a feel or actually wanting sex it leaves me trying to figure out which is which. Example night before last H wakes up puts his hand down my pants and starts messing around while letting me know his male memember is hard then drifts back to sleep. He does this often through out the night. Twice I ask him if he wants to have sex and he says no. Last night he does the same thing and I don't respond he gets pissy because he wants to have sex. Hello? Same actions!
So other then the improvement in the bedroom with lack of resentment/mercy sex and frequency of 10-12 times a month vs the 8 only I came here with 6 months ago whats different in my relationship.
Well H did take the anger control C which helped for about 1 month. After I addressed is abusive behavior. He is now back to being able to win jerk of the year so that was short lived. But I have come to accept that is just him how he is. His persona and unless he sees it as a bad thing he will never change. And he as a whole likes himself so chance of that happening is slim to none. I have read a few relationship books. I have spent numerous hours on this board reading post and trying to better understand all the issues in peoples relationships and how are interactions effect each other. And have tried to curtail certain behaviors to help enhance my daily dealings with my H. I have talked at length in cyber world about issues that I seldom speak about IRL.
When I first came to this board I was full of brewing resentment and anger. I have pretty much let it go. I stopped taking our problems into the bedroom with us at night. So the building dreed of his touch has ebbed away. But and here is the big one Nothing has replaced that feeling of building dreed. No feelings of building joy or longing has stepped in to fill the void. As I snuggle up to H on a almost nightly basis which is only possible since the dreed is gone. There is nothing no feeling of loving saftey or comfort in his arms awaits me. Even though his arms are wrapped around me I might as well be lying there alone. The only difference of when he is home at night in bed with me and he is at work is how warm I stay.(he is like a furnace) This bothers me I thought that as the bad feelings I had started fading away good feelings would ebb in to replace them. But it is just more of a nothingness that fills me. So still no EC.
That being said there is a twist to this. My oldest son. With whom I became pregnant with early in my relationship with H. A pregnacy that had left me feeling trapped in my situation. My relationship with him has changed drastically,Since I have let go of the anger with my H my EC with this child has improved 10 fold. I know I always had ill founded hidden resentment towards him. And as H and my relationship worsened I think that resentment of feelings of being trapped by my pregnacy changed to being trapped because of him. I think that while anger and resentment had become consuming to me. I allowed it to engulf my son also. As it ebbed away I realized that I had choices other then staying with H. I was capable of raising my son with or without a father figure in the home My bad judgemtment and unfounded fear of raising a boy by myself(come from a all female family) was in no way his fault. The resentment I felt for him was really a resentment of my own choices. I lead myself to were I am my son was just a innocent tag along. This has been a awesome release of guilt for me. I always felt guilty for the little tingles of resentment I had towards him. It has also changed the way I interact with this child. And has changed the whole dynamics of our relationship.
Why did I bring that up. Because this also compounds my confusion of my sitch with my H. I let go of the bad and it was replaced by good with my son. I let go of the bad and it was replaced by nothing with my H. I am really stuck at why?
BF has stated several times that I have to much control. At first I was bemused by this comment. How could I with my all controlling H have to much control. Then I started seeing things in several different aspects of the meaning of control that made me wonder in what way it seemed I had to much control. Emotional,daily,situational,as if I am controlling of others? I am still pondering this one. I find situational does apply to me at times. Again still pondering his meaning and where it falls in line with aspects of myself.
Well so six months and not alot of improvement. Don't know if I am expecting to much to soon or what. I did find fixing the sex has not had much effect in the relationship.
Chin up Chrissy I'm the very last person that should be offering any advice, but it seems quite clear to me that your needs aren't being met. This is most likely why you're feeling empty. Same thing happened to me after my bout of increasing my sex frequency - except I didn't last 6 months! Great job!
Have you read The Five Love Languages?
I'm kind of curious as to why you marked a calendar though. It's just my p-o-v, but isn't that kind of "in his face"? I kept a private calendar for tracking purposes, but also chose to not reject while I was working on this.
I'm kind of curious as to why you marked a calendar though. It's just my p-o-v, but isn't that kind of "in his face"?
It started as a means of me making sure I met my min every month which I have with the exception of one month in the last 15. Probably due to the fact it is something I am reminded of daily as I look at the calender. I am a desire after arousal person so the want of sex does not just pop up in my mind often. H did not even know what the stars marked on the calender where for until about 4 months ago. When he started a huge fight over how we had not had sex in weeks and had only had sex about 5 times in two months I was like yes we have and it was more like 16. I then told him what the stars were.(two of my kids had longed figured it out lol). I don't believe the fact that I mark it down is the real issue. The real issue is that he cannot act like he is depraived and I do not try. So his anger is unfounded and his threats are unjustifable and of no relevance to me. My H is very controlling in this way. His accusations of me marking days that we do not really have sex and my response of standing up for myself by simply stating if you want to you can initial the days without matching anger or resentment is something he is not use to dealing with so it causes him inbalance of his being able to control me. Hence the new issue of my marking the calender as a means of trying to retake the upper hand so he can again act like a victim and make false accusations with no proof of other wise. If he truely thought I was marking days down to make it look as if we had sex when we had not. He would start initalling the days. It was all a control thing. Threaten her she will stop then there is no proof that my actions are unfounded the next time I start a fight so I can make her look like a bad guy. And I can play victim.
Have you determined what your top emotional need might be? The theory goes that if your spouse is meeting at least your major EN, then those warm, fuzzy feelings will come.
I have looked over the questionare before and had the hardest time with it. We were so poor growing up that in order not to make our parents feel bad, we didn't express desires and needs. We made efforts to take care of ourselves and often our parents, in general.
I have this overriding internal border that I seldom can get past. "Don't impose on other people." The down side to that is the inability to ask people for help as well as the inability to accept it without my discomfort levels rising. Makes me low-maintenance in my relationships, but it does keep people out and me in. Sound familar to you?
Hi Chrissy... Dropping the anger and resentment is huge and is such a gift to give yourself! I am happy it's resulting in a better relationship with your son. As far as your H goes, it is going to be harder to rekindle warm feelings for him. You have made an effort to meet his needs, but yours aren't being met yet. What do you enjoy about the relationship with him? Can you think of any shared interests or fun things to do? What is your time like with him?
Quote: The who initates it demon has reared its ugly head in our bedroom a few times. H started complaining that I don't initiate enough.Which finally I just simply stated when I want sex I tell you or start it. If you want it then you need to do the same. If you lay there waitting on me to start it when I am not the one horny that is your bad and you will remain that way waitting. I own my wants own your own. I don't reject you that often anymore nor go into it with a shitty attitude so fear of rejection two or three times a month is your own demon not mine you can either deal with it or remain horny. I think the hardest part in this for me is the trying to sort through when he wants sex vs when he does not. As stated before my H gropes me alot. This has been big issue in our relationship. H has stated that just because he feels me up does not mean he wants sex. I have tried to make him understand that when his actions are the same to just get a feel or actually wanting sex it leaves me trying to figure out which is which. Example night before last H wakes up puts his hand down my pants and starts messing around while letting me know his male memember is hard then drifts back to sleep. He does this often through out the night. Twice I ask him if he wants to have sex and he says no. Last night he does the same thing and I don't respond he gets pissy because he wants to have sex. Hello?
Chrissy,
A lot going on in your overall sitch, but that part jumped out at me. It seems to me to be some sort of cruel power-play on your husband's part, sort of like Stacey's wife coming to bed naked and then not wanting sex. While I do think there can be legitimate "huggy/kissy/even grabby" things that one spouse does that doesn't necessarily mean they're in the mood for sex, what you describe above would be taken by 100 people out of 100 as being ABSOLUTELY a signal for LM!
You need to call him on this, and it can be as simple as when he says 'no,' you say "Then why the hell did you put my hand on my C&CK then???"
Even if the SL stuff hasn't improved as much as you would like, it does sound like YOU are dealing with things better now than six months ago, so take some strength from that.
My top emotional need. No I have not figured that out. I have stated before that I don't need anything from H. Obviously that is not true or else I would not be so lost in this relationship. I just have no idea of what it is I need of him.
Test? I did the 5 love language one. I did not seem to fit in any catagory. Most of the questions where more of a picking of a lesser of two evils. Then true answers.
Expressing wants when I was a child. I can relate to being poor. Oddly when we were the poorest living in two bedroom apartment with my mom and older sister and myself is probably the part of life I remember most fondly. My mom was a waitress and worked all the time. But on her day off we would go to the mall and window shop never had money to buy seldom went in the stores it was just to get out of the house and our biggest treat was to go to Arby's to eat dinner. We did this about every two weeks. Clothes were left for us in the metal box outside our door. And Christmas trees were sat in our back door on Christmas eve. (one of my moms regular customers did this for as long as I can remember). We went on vacation every summer with a Aunt and her kids (really my moms best friend and bosses wife). Paid for from my mom saving 50cent pieces left as tips for mom through the year. Went to the same place every year. But it was the only time we got to swim and rollerskate and play puttputt. It had its down sides to my mom was very strict. If a bed was not made or chores not done or you were not home when you were suppose to be or you went in her bedroom. a switch or fly swatter was your punishment. Sometimes when she was really stressed she would go a bit overboard. There were times that if she got carried away my sister or myself would step in front of the other one so they could not be swatted anymore and sure you might end up hit a few times but that usually brought my mom to her senses. I never felt abused by my mom. I was taught to respect and obey and responsiblity so don't get me wrong we were not beaten. We were just not given the opportunity to become unruly.
When I was 11 and my mom remarried the dynamics of my childhood changed. No more window shopping no more girlscouts no more vacations. Okay fun vacations. We did go on two one to PA to Gettysburg (where every 12 yr old female wants to go to look at graves) And one to Kentucky via the Aunt(friend) who had moved we went and saw her once. I lived in my bedroom except for dinner time any time my step dad was home. Asking to go anywhere was a major fight for my mom so I just did not. If you wanted something or needed something it had to go through him first and was not worth the price so I never asked.Friends were not welcomed in our home by him and he would embarrass you so bad with his mean behavior I seldom had one over. I pretty much learned to live by myself from 5pm on every weekday and all day on the weekends. I walked in the woods or stayed in my room when the weekend chores were done. So I guess I learned to no longer express my desire or needs. At least in a healthy way.
Now that you mention it I to feel uncomfortable imposing on others. I seldom ask for anything of any one and get pissy with myself if I am lead to where I need to. Even if I really need help. When the kids were little there were a few times that family did something to help out like by diapers or once when our electric was turned off lend me the money until payday to turn it back on. But I always paid them back somehow. My step dad even paid my lot rent once as a gift when I had just had my middle boy because I was behind on it. I sent him a check for the money the next month. I never asked anyone though I would mention something like oh the kids are out of diapers and I don't get paid for two more days this will be fun and they would choose to help. Still to this day when I do not work I do not buy myself anything. I cannot justify spending money on myself that is not mine.
Gonna ask you a wierd question. Are you a generous person? I am generous to a fault. I love to buy for other people(okay when I have money). And will even lend/give people money when I know I will never see it again and it will put me in a hardship. I have been this way all my adult life. I always want to help people out. My older sister is this way to or she use to be. But my younger sister who was not raised going with out much of anything is a tisk for task person. She helps people out as a trama nurse. which is awesome of her. But it seems in her personal life she is so use to being handed things and readily takes things. But if she hands something out even with good intent it holds alot of baggage. Resentment feelings of you owe her blah blah. I always thought it would be the other way around those who did not have would gaurd what they got and be unwilling to give it up and those that had plenty would easily give. Just wondering how you fall in that dynamic
Friday night needed to pick S13 up from grama's decide to go out to eat and make a family night of it. Since I needed to find Christmas lights and all. H gets home with S14 from wrestling practice. I mention I am hungry we are gonna just go out to eat after we pick son up. H fine with this. Get to were we need to pick up S13. Other two boys get out to say hi to grama. H gets pissy because they take 5 minutes and starts bitching. I say something about it not being a big deal. He says well you said you were hungry. I was not starving okay. S14 gets in the car and says he wants us to drop him back off with grama after we eat so he can spend the night. H says no. He can either stay now or go home with us. Son was hungry so he went. S13 and S10 who have not seen each other all week are horse playing (mind you they are not fighting) H bitches at them until we get to the restraunt. We get there and after we are setted H says something to them about why they are sitting so close together. They were sharing a bowl of Ketchup. I look at H and say this and the fact that they are just happy to see each other. H tells me to shut the [censored] up. We eat S14 not happy about not being able to go to gramas does not really talk much and his bad mood makes him snooty to his brothers. We spend the rest of the night with H running to find lites with him bitching at the two boys for horseplaying or this or that. Until he gets them all arguing with each other. I am so ready to get home that my skin is crawling by this time. My good intent of a family night out yeah.
We get home H and S13 play a video game.OOP H is cussing and calling S13 a cheater blah blah. I listen for a little while then ask what the problem is. H says S13 is blocking his every move he is cheating yahda yahda. I say well is that not how you play the game. I am again told to shut the [censored] up. I told him I was tired of him telling me to shut up. He goes into something I tune him out. A little later I hear him laughing opp he is winning now.
Saturday decide to take S14 Christmas shopping with me H decides he wants to go. Oh joy! I said no me and S14 are going. We left went and picked up my layaways and even though that took way long had a good time. We ran around some from here to there. As we were getting close to home we took bets on what H's behavior would be. Well more of a laugh because we both agreed. Walked through the door were met with the what took you so long. Pointed out the fact I was gone for 6 hours. Why did it take so long to get so little and whats for dinner. (10 pm). I just looked at him and said well what did you cook. Got the well I did not think you would be gone so long or you would bring something home. S14 said well we thought you would cook dinner and have it waitting for us since you were her and mom was not. H got pissed. S14 and I were both smirking this was exactly how we both knew he would react upon our return. It was my punishment for going somewhere. By doing so I left the rest of them without any supper. Watched a few episodes of CSI with H and son in the evening. Then me and the dog retreated to the chair and the computer.
That is pretty much every other weekend in my house hold.
Sunday just recant that video game episode about 10 times and you have our day. I choose to stay in my room most of it. Mother in law came over and we wrapped presents. Told H that since I was going to be tied up wrapping his moms presents he would have to cook dinner. He was pissy about it but he did it.
Chrissy, I'm sorry that your H acted like an azz, but I'm troubled by you and your son talking about his behavior and somewhat mocking him behind his back. I don't know if H is S's father, but if so I would think that undermining his respect for his father in that way would be bad for the boy and bad for the family dynamics. Just my opinion.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
You need to call him on this, and it can be as simple as when he says 'no,' you say "Then why the hell did you put my hand on my C&CK then???"
I have that has lead to where we are now. This behavior is so all the time with him I use to with draw from any touch of his. In a effort to work it out I took his just because I do this does not mean I want to have sex statements and decided to either prove to myself I was misinterpting the meaning of his actions or prove to him he did. Though I no longer cringe away from his touch. His actions are still the same reguardless weather he wants to have sex or as he calls it is showing me love. And I still cannot deciper his intent. He does not see his actions as being the same. Maybe the fact he is doing this out of the feelings of lust this time and love this time is clear to him thus clouds his vision as to how confusing the same actions are to me. But to me you can wash the dishes in hot or cold water but you know what you are still washing the dishes.
I really have came to a place to believe my H cannot distingish between loving behavior and sexual behavior.
Example.
I had a root cannel the other day. I was feeling icky. I am not a pain medicine person and since I let the tooth go so long my jaw bone is infected.I am allergic to just about every antibiotic on the market but am on a lesser of the evils type. At bed time H asked if I was going to bed. I said I would be there in a minute and since I was feeling so icky he could baby me. Yeah I got my nipples tweaked my breast groped and his raging hard on shoved in against my bottom. He did not try to have sex. But that was his comforting me and being loving. If nothing else he is consistent in the never fails to disappoint category. Anywho this is his normal response to any type of effection or show of physical support to me. Which leads me to my statement I do not think my H can distingish between loving behavior and sexual behavior.I believe to him it is the same. Oddly CeMar's post remind me of my H. No matter what is going on it revolves around the yeah but what about sex.
I know we speak mostly in negatives about our spouses. I sometimes wonder about how people would view our spouses and our self through the pictures our words paint. And how our spouses would feel if they could see the image we project about them.
My H does have some good quailties. I see he tries to be a good husband He sees he is a good husband I see he tries to be a good father He sees he is a good father I see he puts effort into being a good son He sees he is a good son. And it goes on and on.
it does sound like YOU are dealing with things better now than six months ago, so take some strength from that.
I do. I can see where my own anger and resentment and frustration of my unhappiness has blindsided me and left me responding poorly towards others. Letting go of that has allowed me not only to improve my relationship with my son. But others. Though there has been alot of bad between my self and my inlaws I refuse to let the bad be everything I judge them on. I have taken IHJ suggestion to heart to look for positives. My MIL may have been a terrible MIL at times but she is a awesome grandmother. And I now respond to her from my appreciation of that instead of my pissiness of some of her past actions. My brother in law can be resentful of my boys (just for being boys he wants one but has all girls) But he is still a better Uncle to them then my H is to his neices. So I need to respect him for that. It is still a work in progress but it is so much better then looking at them all with negative plus glasses on.
I'm the very last person that should be offering any advice, but it seems quite clear to me that your needs aren't being met. This is most likely why you're feeling empty. Same thing happened to me after my bout of increasing my sex frequency - except I didn't last 6 months! Great job!
