Am sure others have been in this position, and wondering about all the now whats?
H and I seperated now, 10 months. H with OW, and we have just in the last few months made few baby steps. But I know they are still together. H comes home only about 1x week. H in MLC, also very depressed and shows much guilt about "how he ruined everything". but never talks about our R or going to counseling. I have been workin real hard at my DB and believe he he noticiing how I am still very much wanting to reconnect, but slowly moving on with my life.
But now H and I having sex for the first time since we first seperated brings up lots of new feelings of course. It happened after a fun dinner we had together, 2 margueritas sure unwinded me, but then when we got home, I couldn't stop my eyes from tearing up , and all of a sudden the dam burst. Nothing I coulda done to stop it. I think it just builds up sometimes. I think I can only go on as friendly strangers for so long, keeping everything else inside, and then it happened. Can't change that, but the sex was tender and loving, and great,--but still no R talk. I even felt strange the next morning with him, like I was with someone I never knew. I even tried to make a joke and said " Now what's your last name? and where did we meet?" I know we are both different now and probably will always be aware of that.
I think I am hoping to hear how others started this way and that this physical contact continuing could lead to more intimacy and R talk. I have been with him for 26 yrs. and never imagined I would be debating the pro's and cons of sex with my H. Otherwise I am trying not to think that --H with me today, OW tomorrow, maybe me this week, but OW tomorrow! Part of me feels that he can't have us both!, but I treasure that night now for a long time, and it helps me get through some lonely ones now and more to come I am sure.
Wow Jean I don't know what to say. I know there are many here who are having sex with their WAS. I'm so far removed from that stage that I can't really advise. I probably should pay close attention to these sitches in case I ever find myself there.
My gut instinct is do what feels right to you. And don't beat yourself up for crying. Sometimes you just can't help it. I would caution not to read too much into the sex. Take it for what it's worth and enjoy yourself.
Sounds like quite a few positives in your sitch. And yes, patience, patience, patience.
Good Luck.
Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Yes, I know patience is the key word. And to not expect a thing out of this.
spitfire,
read a little also on your sitch. and first thought was my condolenses on loosing your dog recently. any thoughts on another? I know how my 2 have been the best of company--yes, also sometimes more than H. I also see some similarity on my 2 children also. I have D21 who is living out of house in college, and she has barely spoken to her dad since the big bomb dropped. I'm sure both my kids were shocked , because we were also the 'happy couple" to everyone else looking in. My H blurted it out to the kids and said "I f--cked up on your mom", and it probably really blew them away. My D is also pretty silent with me about it, I ask here if she has any ?'s, but she really does not want to talk about us. I think she needs time and maybe feels I am able to give her that. I have never badmouthed my H to either of them, in fact, I feel guilty at times for eluding to them, their dad and I as being more together than we really are. My S19 lives at home, is pretty much in his 19yr. old life. S is in contact with his dad and also does not ask me much, the silence with us all is hard.
Are your sons talking to you about it all? Hope they work it out for themselves and good that you mentioned they have seen C. Was it easy to get them to go?
thanks again for the thoguhts, not sure if my thread will get X-rated, but , we'll see, and I will remind myself of that one thing I seem to be always running short of--patience!--do take care and know you are a strong person!
Not sure if I am the right person to advise since I've been yoyo-ing soooo much and have been beating myself up for giving into having phone s@x with my H.... but as the advice I got from KML recently... If s@x can be the "connection bridge" to help you build your R, draw your H towards you and it's something that you want to do.... Guessed it's no harm??!!?? Maybe I should keep my gap shut...
Hey, I'm a yo-yo too! bet lots of us our, on our crazy rollercoasters!
It's hard not to read too much into any of our responces from WAH's, and I don't want to feel regret? you did?
I guess I thought it would be this earth shattering moment afterwards for him, with him gushing out his whole soul and begging for forgiviness, wanting to make amends, wanting to start over, wanting to be with me forever-!----hey everyone here must be thinking, how much dreaming am I doing? Not that I really thought that, maybe deep down hoped as we all must keep our hope, a day at a time
Keeping my expectations to zero is very hard. I've gotta keep on with my goals which have helped me so for. Keep detaching, and let H find his own way out of his dark depressing MLC, and hopefully see me at the end of his tunnel. Still interested in how anyone else has handled this, and if they have the same ambivalence about sex with WAP who is still involved with OW/OM.
It's hard not to read too much into any of our responces from WAH's, and I don't want to feel regret? you did? Alot of times after s@x, I did not feel regret. Have been detaching really really well and been using my H as a s@x slave, so to speak. So, when there were no cuddles whatsoever, I didn't feel sad nor any emotions. Because I wasn't expecting it. And the NO EXPECTATIONS really helped. In many cases, I think my H did feel closer "connection" with me after the s@x (as KML says...Men have s@x to feel love, whereas women need to feel love to have s@x). There was one particular time (this was after he moved out), he came back to have one of those "wham bam thank you ma'am sessions". I guessed I wanted it too and didn't feel sh*tty after the fact. But he was still talking about how he felt about the session about a week later...how he felt the intimacy. So, I guessed if it is drawing your H closer to you, I guessed WHY NOT? You just need to really really detach to not expect anything out of it. Just close your eyes and enjoy it...maybe perhaps imagining him as an Italian Stallion. LOL...
The reason why I felt kinda sh*tty about myself after our recent phone s@x session was not so much of the session itself...more of disappointed about my LOW willpower. I was adhering to this "being COLD and DARK" stance with my H. Pride aside, if you look it the other way..it is POSITIVE that he still wants to have a s@xual R with you, he could easily go to ow. In my case, H could have fantasized about ow, could have had the phone s@x session with ow. I guessed one other reason that I was feeling sh*tty is that the deadline I've imposed on H is getting near and I could feel the pressure and stress building up in me. And as KML commented very correctly, I was trying to lessen the hurt by controlling the situation... I guessed I've been in this sh*t for so long that I am ready to call it a day....
LOL!--I am sitting here, yes too bad alone on a Sat. night, thinking of an Italian Stallion!
Detaching, patience, give him time, space--I know what I should be doing, but am giving much thought now to the Ital. Stallion, --but better not go there now.
I somehow fell onto a thread tonight with so much insight and mirroring of my situation, and I'm sure many others. I will post there soon, but for now am really reading and trying to think about all the wise thoughts I found there. In Newcomers Still Needing Help Part II-- There seems to be so many of us LBS's wrestling with this ML issue and our comfort level. I think my biggest problem is I cannot whambamm, but associate so much intimacy with ML, that detaching almost seems to be impossible.
I think many of us here, like myself, are trying to coast through the holidays without rocking the boat. I have also decided to coast and am giving myself until Jan. to decide some major thoughts on our R. Mainly, do I continue H's weekly visit and continue to ML and see if more intimacy develops? or is my GAL going down hill because of this? Lots to think about. And I know this roller coaster probably won't get any easier. I'm going to thank the people on the post I mentioned for their wisdom and insight from just reading their sitch.
I still say we must try not to carry guilt about our willpower or on what we are doing or saying, because our M is foremost in our thoughts and reconnecting as our goal. thanks for your thoughts
"I cannot do this alone In me there is darkness But with you, there is light."
