What do you think about slowing down contact with the WAS when there's OW/OM?
Is it "out of sight, out of mind," if we don't pursue?
Say the WAS is open to seeing you, but the spouse also has OW or OM, would it be better to see the S and compete with the OP, or cease contact and hope they will not turn more to the OP?
And what about going totally dark in this situation, good or not?
First off, it's not a competition between you and the OP. It's more about you and your WAS.
Then, life is complex. What works in one situation may not work in another, or what we think may work, may not work. We can only try, and monitor for results. So, does going dark prompt "out of sight is out of mind" or does it prompt "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Only the results in your sitch will tell.
Does the WAS bonding more with the OP increase the chances of their union being successful or does it open the door to their union dissolving? Well, there, I tend to think it helps dissolve things, in time, just like with most relationships.
In my sitch it varies...there was so much initial contact at first by him. It was actually very cute because he would text about the silliest things. I would either engage or ignore. When I ignored he threw temper tantrums. Then I went dark for a bit and then so did he...then we started up again and we actually met...then we had the confrontation with ow and then we've both gone dark again.
In some sitch's I think the WAS needs to know that you are still there, the lighthouse so to speak, to show them they way home when they have completed their journey with the op. It's how you handle the communication that is very critical. No mention of your R, their current R. Just keep things upbeat, lighthearted or business like in discussion of finances and the children. I found that by being pleasant we got further and talked more often. One of the neat things I learned to help me when talking is that I was smiling when I talked to him. It helped me keep upbeat. It's hard to be angry or cry when you are smiling. When you are done, don't initiate any contact. Call a close friend and pull yourself together.
