Even though my WAS has OW, he still agrees to date me. I don't know how to act. I do all the wrong things-I know I don't Db right. It seems so hard not to talk of the M and R. I even bring up the OW a lot.
Anyone with this kind of sitch? How do you handle it. Are there any books that anyone knows of that advises how to handle the R when there is OW/OM involved?
I'm seeing him Friday-he will take me anyplace I want to go. I think a lot of this is out of guilt-but don't care at this point.
For those of you who think I'm lucky to have him still agree to see me: It's probably harder, because it's too much of a limbo and the pain never gets better. But when I try to go dark (the longest was 3 days), I feel more pain from hopelessness.
Well you have to basically look at it as that you're not H and W anymore but dating all over again. Crazy stuff, but then, it's a crazy world. Use each opportunity to be plesant and fun and cheery; don't let him see you sweat. Be the person he originally fell in love with. Use those contacts to show him, through action, of whatever changes you've been making that make you the better choice. I'm surprised though that he continues to see you if what you're doing is bringing up your marriage and OW. That usually doesn't get you anywhere.
Hi Rere- I read your post and wanted to respond, as i have a bit of experience with this. Without getting into too much detail about my sitch, as i don't want to hijack your thread, i will tell you about my experience. My H and I have been separated for over 1 year. When we first separated, it was a "therapeutic separation" - we were in MC and dating weekly. It was a little strange at first, but once we got the hang of it, it was the best thing. At that time, i suspected an OW. So, i constantly wondered if he had her at our house and if he was dating her too. A few weeks into the dating, i kind of broke down on a date and said i wanted to come home, etc. Needless to say, that was a disaster. After that, we decided that dates were to be fun only...no R talk. I honestly believe that the dating really helped us to repair our R...we started communicating better and agreed that once we reconciled, we would continue to date, as we had stopped having fun in our M. Unfortunately, some other stuff happened, which is why we are still separated. But, i do not regret the dating at all. If your H is up for it, i say do it. The reason he is doing it (guilt, etc) doesn't really matter. Use the opportunity to make him remember why he married you and to rekindle those feelings. Focus on you and him...don't talk about OW or R...just have fun....it will make him want to spend more time with you if it is enjoyable.
Thanks for responding. Our sitch is different in that HE is the one who left-but I guess if you're separated, this doesn't really matter.
Was/is there an OW in your H's life? Let me know where some of your threads are and I'll read them.
I knew my H was looking. He got on a dating site 3 months before he left, corresponded with a woman for awhile, met her and left me the next day. She decided she didn't want him, but he began looking for someone to replace her.
We had a bad marriage, took one another for granted and argued constantly. Since we've been dating our R and M and sex life has improved, but knew he was still looking. Well he's off the dating site now and has met someone. I also have a friend whom I've just begun to date.
My H and I have been separated almost seven months.There's a year's separation before divorcing in our state. He doesn't seem to be very jealous, says he just wants me to be happy, but doesn't want to give up his "friend" and come home. It's all getting to me now because of the holidays. I need to be nice and not talk R,M and OW, but find this hard sometimes.
Am interested in any advise you can give.
I'm so afraid that if I go dark and quit seeing him that he will only forget me more and turn to OW, but looks like he's doing that anyway. Tell me what you think. Rere
Thanks for responding. You said you're surprised that he's still willing to see me even though I bring up M, R and OW.
Well, there are times when I do have more control than others. He's only had this OW for about 6 weeks. When I found out that he's off of the dating site and sees her every Sunday and during the week, I figured it was pretty serious. So it's been lately that I've had breakdowns. I'm also seeing someone casually, and he says he's not jealous, but have a suspision that he may be hiding a little of this and this could be why he's still seeing me. Do you think this is a possiblilty?
Thanks for advising me to be pleasant, fun and cheery. I know I should be this way, but I needed to hear it from a real person.
Where is your sitch, do you still see your S? Love to hear about it.
I think it is a good sign that your H wants to see you, regardless of the reason (guilt, jealousy). Like i said yesterday, use these times to your advantage. I stopped talking about our R and suspected OW with my H, and it seems like that may be the reason things are a little more positive.
Just for clarification: my H is the one who wanted this separation...i left the house, basically b/c i had no choice. When we first separated, he said i had more options of where to go. The second time i left our home, it was b/c he basically harrassed me into it...not really my choice.
I suspect that my H has an OW...he has denied it for over a year, but there are only so many times i can turn a blind eye to his suspicious activities. My thread is here under "wow i am not alone." I also posted in "we're separated - what now" under "separated 10 months." There's some other info in "MLC" under "is this an MLC?"
There are no guarantees on what will work...every sitch is different. I will tell you that when my H and i first separated, i did suspect an OW. We dated for about 6 weeks before my H decided that he really did want to work on our M. I believe that the dating and fun times we were having really contributed to his decision to try and make the M work. We continued to date after that and it really was great. Its unfortunate that i am still in this sitch, but i do believe that the dating was a positive influence on our R. Just don't talk about your R or OW...it will undo whatever positive steps you have taken.
I am so glad I hooked up this morning with you guys. H is on his way over here (although I thought he'd be here by now) and I needed to hear from guys to keep it positive. I don't know why I am so nervous, I lived with this man for 29 years.
Why are you nervous...cause honey it's like going out on a first date...that's what it really is..the old R is gone, history...time to start making new memories and working on a new and improved R...you will be fine and we'll be here waiting to see how it goes...Just smile, smile smile when you talk to him....get dolled up, smell purty...the works...make him weak in the knees so to speak...play off your favorite asset that you KNOW he adores...remember you know him better than anyone, use it to YOUR advantage...but be real...
Something runs through all of our comments. I believe it has to do with just acting happy when with the S. And not just when we're with the person, but at other times when we're alone--b/c this has a carry-over effect on us and who we are with.
Yes, it's hard, but smiling, smiling, smiling and being upbeat and pleasant works wonders. It's so good that we are here to remind one another of this. Because this will not come naturally while we ache for our mates.
One of you mentioned looking good and smelling good--this is very important. My WAS told me last Sun night (after he'd had a date with OW) when I went to the RV that my perfume was hipnotizing him.
Almost seven months ago when he left and we began dating, I started using one kind of perfume, and I wear it all the time. I wanted him to associate this fragrance with me. Now, he says that I really turn him on and that the perfume is wonderful.
Thanks for the reminders about not talking about the R, M, and OW. I'm going to print out this advise, stick it down into my purse, and when we go out Friday evening, I will go into a restroom and reread it--just so I will not forget and give into the non-productive and damaging modes of behavior that sometimes seem to come out of nowhere.
It's so hard to get out of the wanting to discuss everything pattern, especially when my H does nothing but date the OW, and his work is not conducive to discussion.
Yes, it's great to let them talk--if they will, but all he does is ask me questions about my work and hobbies, which are pretty interesting, compared to his work. We even talk about he other man that I'm seeing occasionally (mostly for hiking).
Do you guys have any ideas about how to handle this?
I would treat the date just as that a date...pretend like you are getting to know each other (all over again) because truly you are since you have been separated. You have lots of nonR things to talk about since you both don't really know what you are doing in your "other lives" just remember that the op is noone you know, care to know about. This is YOU spending quality time with the one you love. Focus on them, let them talk and as NYS always says validate them.
When Dave and I had our date a few weeks ago, I dressed my best, wore his favorite fragrance (and I mean HIS fragrance that he wore)...we had a great time throwing darts (our shared hobby that ow doesn't share)...we kept the talk to fun stuff...it was very akward and then we did slowly drift into R talk but for us it was a very cleansing of the soul experience...it was needed because of all the drama the past few months. Now of course we really haven't talked since then and truly now in hindsight it may have become the closure we both needed on our R. But we left on a great note and there was no pain...no tears, lotsa laughs and only one tense moment that I was able to turn around.
