X-mas shopping got postponed till the weekend but I think that now I can safely say that I'm done shopping. Yes the kids and I had lots of fun. Lots of laughing. They were a big help finding gift ideas for W. I'm not getting her anything but the kids have to give her something (even though D9 is a little hesitant).
Sounds like Vegas isn't all it was cracked up to be for your W.
W flew back Saturday night, I think. She came to town Sunday and gave the kids some gifts she had bought them during her trip. A shirt and some jewelry made everything all right with D9 again. W told D9 that Vegas was boring in the winter. Too cold to swim and the roller coasters weren't running either. Said she won $19. Wow big spender.
Update (or my interactions with W over the weekend)...
Saturday morning (8am) I was calculating my schedule so I could get my required work time and avoid working on X-mas or X-mas Eve. Due to my unexpectedly having the kids during W's "vacation" it was going to be tough to get my time in at work. D9 and I each have Dr. appointments and I was hoping to play Santa at S6's daycare party. I had no idea what (if any) help I would get from W on kid logistics this week so I called her (woke her since I used D9's phone cuz she'd answer a call from D9's number). Briefly explained my perdicament and she mummbled that her schedule was going to be normal for the week. She followed with a "sorry" cuz she knew she'd left me high and dry. I've reluctantly canceled being Santa for S6's daycare. Just not enough hours in the week. Not too good for my PMA.
Lets see...I also got to hear from D9 about her 2 or 3 calls with W from Vegas. I could tell from listening to D9's side of the convo on late Friday night that W had enjoyed a few drinks. D9 got annoyed at answering the same questions over and over. D9 asked me what was wrong with mom? Had she lost her mind? I blamed it on a bad cell connection. On Saturday D9 informed me that W was stopping by on Sunday. News to me.
About 2 o'clock Sunday afternoon W arrived at the house. We were all positive toward her and she was obviously relieved. W said her plan was to wrap the kid's gifts but she failed to account for the fact that the kids were around. WTF?? Then I think she attempted to take the kids shopping for their gifts to me. D9 appeared next me asking me subtle questions like "what's your favorite movie?", "do you need shirts or sweatshirts?", "what kinds of CD's would you like?". For somebody that claims to "know" me, W has no clue what to buy me.
We ended up all going out together to get a couple last minute gifts for the daycare lady. Then we ate supper at "Noodles". W and I aren't too excited about that place but D9 wanted to try it. As is par, W didn't like what she had ordered. We finished the evening with a drive around the neighborhood looking at light decorations at W's request.
We got home and started the kids on their bedtime prep. W hugged and kissed the kids, gathered her stuff and said I'll see you tomorrow (normal work schedule for her). She loitered around the kitchen telling me good-bye. Thanked me for the nice drive and supper, she had a good time, no hug.
After she left and I got the kids to bed, I found myself running her good-bye throught my mind. Being a newby at introspection and vibe sensing, I wondered why I felt so good about what went on during the day. I came to the conclusion that I can tell that she still wants me. She thinks I'm furious at her over the whole sitch, and she can't help herself from still wanting an R with me. When she was thanking me I was looking (the whole time) at her blue-grey eyes (they look like the clouds of an approaching winter storm or spring t-storm), I know she was fighting off giving me a hug. It wouldn't take much to convince me that I could have kissed her. I've gotten that vibe in the recent past during the approach to hugs. For the first time I feel like I could pull off the confident "I know that you want me" attitude that blackfoot talks about. I feel in tune with her and I can see what she wants. It's just a little delayed but I know what to look for now. This is pretty cool and scary.
I could be totally wrong but what have I got to lose. I could totally blow this thing but I've gone through this in my head so many times that I know I can do it. I just need to recognize the signs and moments, then react. Last night it made such perfect sense that I couldn't sleep. Like the night before a big game.
W has ramped up the contact with me since returning from her trip to Vegas. We have set a record for number of txt msg. Yesterday I finally had enough of punching little buttons and just called her. We talked off and on for the rest of the day. The subject matter was the usual kid logistics and a few X-mas plans but with a lot of chit chat and humorus stuff thrown in too.
I wondered if the excessive texting was her attempt to keep calls to/from me off of OM's phone records. (Reminder: calls are free between our cell phones. Text msg is free for her but it costs me a few cents each time.) She even called me from FIL's house twice while she was checking up on him. It costs FIL $$$ to call me so why else would she use his phone over a free call from her/OM phone. Hmmmmm.
Today has been a mix of txt msg and phone calls. The txt msgs are very friendly and inquizitive. My mom called today to finalize plans and logistics for the holiday weekend. She asked if W was coming to the family gathering at mom's on the 23rd. I had not even asked W to attend b/c I knew she wouldn't either due to she just didn't want to or because she didn't want to make everyone else "uncomfortable". Mom has a small gift for W so she said W was welcome to come. Later I called W to officially tell her she's welcome to come to mom's house. W said she'd think about it, but soon said that she didn't want to make everyone uncomfortable. "Right now I don't feel right about going. Don't get all bent out of shape about it. It just feels weird at this time." is what she said. She said to thank my mom for the offer. The implication was that in the future she could be willing to attend those sort of family things. Hmmmmmm.
Looks like more patience and continued confident leading are in order.
I'll try to briefly touch on a few things that have occured over the long holiday break.
- W met with our insurance guy and she has to have some "special" insurance and they agreed that it would be cheaper if she had her own policy due to where she lives now. Due to D9 trying to listen in I don't know for sure but I think I'll be getting some $$$ back since W is not on my policy anymore. W will be paying $250/month for quite awhile. W was very down about the whole thing. Being hard on herself for making things more difficult in her time of "happiness". W did mention that she asked if it would be easy to change her policy if our sitch changed. I asked what she meant? W said if she moved back home in the future. Hmmmmm.
- W spent most of the holiday weekend here at the house. She slept at her place X-mas night stating she expected to get some drivers license papers in the mail on Monday.
- D9 and S6 had a great X-mas weekend. They didn't get alot but they did get what they asked for.
- I had an enjoyable holiday too. Had lots of good food and drink at relatives houses. I cooked the majority of the meal on X-mas day (prime rib). My mom, sister, D9, S6, and W all enjoyed the meal. Doing the cooking kept me away from W and I was the most at ease when she wasn't around me. I'm still on egg shells when near W. I'm sure she can sense it.
- W seemed to enjoy her gifts "from the kids". Nothing too special. Just little things that she needed.
- Day after X-mas we went to a movie (W, D9, S6, my mom, my sister). I was getting a little tired of being around my mom for the 4th day in a row. W showed up in town right as we were leaving for the movie. I could tell she was annoyed/wondering why my mom was back in town again. The movie (Cheaper By the Dozen 2) was enjoyable. Of course the kids liked it a lot.
- After the movie S6 and I got the van to pick up the ladies at the front door of the theatre. When I climbed into the van I noticed a waded up sweatshirt stuffed into the bottom compartment on the center console. Usually the storage place for tapes and cell phone chargers etc. W always has a place for everything (neat freak), so it looked odd having something waded on the floor of the vehicle. I knew she was hiding something in the compartment. I pulled the shirt out and there was a nice new XM satellite receiver intalled in the compartment. OM is ga-ga over XM radio (has one in every vehicle/tractor/building). I mumbled to myself "just what I thought". I put the shirt back and fell back on my DB training and ignored that I even saw it. The rest of the evening was uneventful except W told me to eat something b/c she said I was being grumpy. I did feel better after a snack.
- This morning as I was leaving for work, I was too noisy and it woke W on the couch. She was very friendly like she was glad to see me. Even said I looked good this morning. We exchanged kid logistics info and she said she'd call later.
- W called around noon. She and the kids were getting some McD's and asked if I wanted anything. I'll never turn down a chance for a McRib. Mmmmmmm. Neither will W. Just a thought - maybe I should smear some McRib sauce on me in some strategic locations? Hmmmmmm. Nobody can accuse W and me of having sophisticated taste.
- This afternoon I will be taking W to her C session. She's not too excited about going. She's usually glad she went afterwards.
- Tonight I take D9 to my mom's. In the morning she will be going home with my sister to Denver for a week. A nice little get away for D9. D9's aunt is single and very fun to hang with. D9 is a little apprehensive about going. She tends to get a little motion/altitude sick. It's been over a year since her last time there so I think she'll be better this time. She might really be hesitant to go b/c of the family sitch. I have and will chat with her about it.
- Almost forgot...talked to BIL (W's brother) on Friday. He called to chat a little and send X-mas wishes. Last talked to him in October, I think. I avoid talking to him b/c it bugs W, and b/c it always leads to talk about W and OM. I hear things I don't want to hear and it makes it hard to stay PMA. He let me know that a coworker of his had bumped into W and OM in Vegas. First BIL had heard of the trip. Coworker said W and OM were there b/c of a free trip to get them to buy a timeshare. Not the story I got from W. Hmmmmm. BIL last saw W, D9, OM and his daughter, in November when they showed off the deer W had shot. News to me. Sounds like the kind of thing W would like to do but I never knew and I have never hunted. I wouldn't mind doing it once, but it never came up ever. I reluctantly quizzed D9 about it a little and she dodged my questions with feigned ignorance. I didn't push the issue figuring if she didn't want to talk about it, then it was fine with me. D9 did slip later that it was W's second deer and not the first time she had been hunting with W. Some of the methods didn't sound too legal either (ie. hunting from the road).
- I'm toying with the idea of having a New Years Eve party at my house. Total 180 for me. More later.
Seems like forever since I last posted. Been feeling quite detached yet maybe a tad too hopeful. Is that possible?
Been reading David Cunningham's ebook from makingherhappy.com and it's been very eye opening. Especially the communication part. Found out W is very typical in the way she communicates. I always thought she was just annoying me on purpose but after having it explained Cunningham's way it makes perfect sense (men make statements to solve things - women negotiate for drama). So now I have some skills to work on and some additional confidence, thus the detached hopefulness.
Update -
Over the holidays W has said and texted that she misses all of us very much. I hesitate to put much stock in this until I see it reflected in her actions. There were signs over the past few weeks, but I'm not sure if it's due to the holiday mood and/or that she has been sick several days off and on. She's been kind of clingy and melancholy. She touched and caressed my hand once when I rubbed her back. An interesting tiny thing that I view as a plus is that W needed some personal documents for her license problem. After collecting them from the house, she returned them instead of keeping them at her place. Maybe nothing but I thought I'd note it.
S6 spent several days at W's place over the holiday break. D10 had a birthday over the break (hense the new number) and she spent a few days in Denver with my sister. Both kids have enjoyed their break.
I hosted a NYE party at my place and invited everyone that I know. Due to it being a last minute thing the turnout was a little low. So if anyone wants a beer stop by. There's plenty left over. Everyone did eat most of the food I made. W was very surprised by my choice to hold a party. She had to put in her $0.02 of advice and said she and S6 might stop by. I knew she wouldn't (if she doesn't give a definite "yes" then it means "no"). It made little difference to me. Everyone who stopped by had a good time. I got a hug from a couple female friends when they were leaving. Not sure what that meant, but it was in front of SIL and her H, so I liked it. I plan to make this an annual gathering. Next year I'll start inviting earlier.
I plan to continue my experimenting with leading W and displaying confidence with some humor thrown in. I'm avoiding being needy, placating, and sucking up to W. I'm also making decisions without looking for W's approval. The party was an example of this and I'm redecorating D10's room (with the style/fashion guidance of D10 of course). W has invited herself to help paint this weekend so more chances to tweek and experiment. Should be fun.
BTW - for a mild 180 I shaved off the goatee last night. Who is that young guy in the mirror? Where did the scruffy guy with the grey flecks in his beard go?
Ugh! I need a sticky note on my forehead that says, "She's testing you." Although it would be hard for me to read it at that location. Hmmmmm.
I was looking forward to W coming to town to help paint D10's room this weekend. D10 also had her first YMCA basketball game on Sat. This meant my mom would be coming to town. Mom has become very glommy lately and I know she is high on W's list of reasons to WA. So I was a little panicky over getting mom to come and go as quickly as possible.
W left a VM Sat morning asking if my mom was coming to town and stated W would be meeting us at the game. I thought W was coming to paint too. I let my emotions take over and failed to see this as a test. I left an acidic VM that said we'd see her at the game since she didn't want to ride with my mom. W returned with a call that denied she was avoiding my mom. So the rest of the day was a walking on eggshells day. The day ended when W suddenly announced she had an outing with some GFs and would be back on Sun to paint. She also told D10 that she would stay the night Sun since she had to work in town on Mon.
Sun was more or less a repeat of Sat. W called and asked if we were prepared to start painting. I had to sand down some sponge painted walls so it was going to be an hour or two before actual painting would start. W said to call her if I was nearing the painting stage. I again failed the test, got annoyed and failed to hide it. Couple hours later I was nearing the painting stage but I wasn't going to call W. If she was only coming to town to paint, then she could buy some paint and paint her own place. I didn't want her around if we were only her painting fix (she does enjoy painting).
W then called to let me know she was on her way. When she arrived we both were in a pissy mood and said very little to one another. W kept commenting about the silence in the room after we chased the kids out to keep them out of the paint. I popped in my new Keith Urban CD for some music. W was floored that I owned that CD. "My your music tastes have really changed." I painted and said very little till we were done.
I whipped up some supper and we all enjoyed it. W jumped up and said she had to go home b/c she was meeting a possible client in the morning out near where she lives. D10, S6, and I all said, "Oh, you're not staying the night here?" After the dishes were done W said her good-byes to the kids and asked what I was angry about. I didn't want to talk about it in front of the kids so I said "nothing". I was in the garage when W finally left and she asked me again. Not wanting to start a huge discussion I said, "I'm just tired of this whole thing." W said, "Do you not want me to come to the house anymore?" I answered, "Not if it's just to paint. Would you have come to town if we weren't painting D10's room?" W said, "Yes. Why are you bringing this up now when you had the whole time we were painting?" Then W left. She did call later to say she was sorry. I don't really know what she was sorry about and she couldn't say.
The night before S6 had been asking to watch our home video from x-mas at grandma's. I said lets wait for when W is here Sun night. W had asked that I tape it since she wouldn't be at x-mas. So Sun night after W left we watched the tape. When she called to apologize we were watching the video. She was bummed that she hadn't gotten a chance to watch it.
If I can get to a place where I can recognize what I believe are W's tests, then know how to handle them, I think I could wrap this thing up and get her/us working on the M. Right or wrong, I see every move W makes as a test. She wants me to step up and do whatever it is that will draw her back in. After months of giving her space via DBing, it is difficult to know what steps to take. I plan to start with a covert pursuit. Not to out and out ask her to go out on a "data", but to just trip her attraction triggers by being confident, decisive, funny, and in charge. But since my resentment kicked in so fast this weekend I blew a great chance to attract her. I was anything but attractive. Sheesh.
Warning: what follows is particularly bad advice but I couldn't stop myself from posting it.
If I can get to a place where I can recognize what I believe are W's tests, then know how to handle them
Screw that! Screw her and screw her tests!!!
Dude, don't recognize her tests and try to pass them. If you want to be:
confident, decisive, funny, and in charge
when she's around, then be that! Why not? There's no downside. But don't try to trip her attraction triggers and don't try to pass her tests. She's just a woman, brother. She may be awfully attractive to you and you have good reaons to want her back in your life on a more permanent basis. But if you're gonna be confident and in charge you need to realize that you're at least as much of a prize as she is.
Seriously!
Now, that's some pretty bad advice. But I'm still right.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Actually, I didn't think it was such bad advice. Confidence in yourself is essential to surviving this process. Be yourself. You are a "prize". Stop reacting. Set the tone and move forward.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
She's testing to see if I can be confident and in charge. That's the purpose of the tests. She probably doesn't even know that she is doing it. It's what women do. The confident and in charge ThatGuy has been MIA for a long time. It's what she is looking for. It's what attracted her to OM. Since she's been around OM for awhile though, she sees that underneath he's afraid of confrontation and worried about what others think (just like moi). So if I can shed this resentment cloud that finds me a few days every month, I can consistantly be the ThatGuy that I want to be (that she used to find attractive). Confident ThatGuy is around when I'm with the kids. When I'm with coworkers. With friends. Yesterday at D10's C session, W and I met with the C for awhile. W floored me with all kinds of acknowledgements of what I had been doing to keep the family going. Things she saw as support in her time of confusion and need. I thought she was oblivious all this time.
I am a prize. You are right and thank you for saying so. Sometimes I forget that. Looks like I need to schedule more frequent appointments with my pep talking Schwans man. My GAL has fallen off a schmidge since the new year. My PMA has slipped accordingly. Need to pick it back up.
You are doing a much better job of explaining exactly what I intend to do. My plan is all up here in my head but only about 10% makes out onto the computer screen. So keep picking at my gray matter and you'll eventually see that we are on the same page.
Exactly. Duly noted. My reactions are usually negative and someone who is confident shouldn't always look on the bad side of everything. When I just act like myself and stop trying so damn hard (instead of looking like Cliff Claven on Cheers), everything works out fine.
I'm sure y'all recall that W has lost her drivers license (sort of). Since she will still drive on a work permit, she still needs to be insured. I figured "no problem", she can pay the rediculously high premiums for her high risk insurance and I'll get to save b/c she wouldn't be on my "regular" policy anymore. Yeah right!
Just got a call frm my car insurance guy. State law says that since we are M (okay everyone stop laughing, settle down people, settle down) I have to be on her high risk policy too.
Mutherpussbucket!! This freakin' sitch is gonna bleed me dry one way or another!
I'm still on egg shells when near W. I'm sure she can sense it.
Nobody can accuse W and me of having sophisticated taste.
