Deb - you know, i think it's okay to say "Look,I am your wife and the woman you love who loves you through thick and thin. You need to STOP paying so much attention to OW and focus on working with me to build an exciting new future for US". Said nicely, of course.
had to shut down my email, it's just too hard to be reminded that i havent heard from him this morning, knowing darn well what it most likely means. I'm really praying for strength and courage and guidance right now. I just can't imagine going back through all this.
i do have the appt. right after lunch with credit counseling, so will see what they may have for suggestions. I never told h i made the appt, just as well, I guess.
Now I'm really having a tough time. I'm getting bad vibes, and I checked h's schedule....he has no clients scheduled for this coming monday. that is really really weird. I don't have the strength to go through this again.
Speak up, girl! You're making too many ASSumptions. Why do you always wait for him to email you - we already know quality time is his love language, you should be bombarding him with silly emails, no? And why not just ask him - hey, I happened to see the schedule and noticed you didn't have any patients scheduled for Monday - what's up?
Deb....sit down, take a breather and PUSH THE STOP BUTTON. Sit still and think here for a minute. I think you're feeling washed around in the current, but you're really in a new phase/stage that you can work through. Let's get you up to the bank for a look, shall we?
First, stop assuming. It will do you no good. Just don't think about it.
Next, I think you, and perhaps many of us here reading your sitch, felt that things were "in the clear" mostly for you. You thought the hardest stuff was done, now just a matter of getting close. I think it is...but he still has some stuff to work through. He STILL needs time and space. This is HIS deal, NOT yours. Remember that. Don't let this stress YOU...you have worked too hard these years to let all your peace, confidence and life unravel for something that your H is just working through. He's finishing up his feelings for OW. If ya think about it..it's good that it's taking a while, means it's sustainable and permanent and feelings won't creep back up again later. Let him go...detach a bit again. Sit back and focus on YOUR life again. We all know the answer to this...he wants YOU...he's muddling out of the darkness right now. It hurts...but so did anything that you did during your M that might have hurt him.
Next...let's get creative. What is it, exactly, about OW that he liked? Well, the attention, excitement, no demands, control, etc, etc...Well, you solved that by changing you, by being yourself again and he came back. NOW, it's time to ask the same question again. What is it, exactly, about OW that he is still drawn to? It's NOT her...it's the finishing of the drama. I think it's b/c he's feeling rejected, blown off, tossed away so easily. She joined a site, makes it a point to see him at work but blow him off, blows you both off at church, acts happy and smug, hits on other men right in the same workplace. It doesn't make him want it, just makes him focus on it...it's like he's focusing on his own failure...and this is a little MLC time for him too, right?
So, what can YOU do to grab him again? I'm not suggested you date and join Match. Merely, I'm suggesting that you do 1 of 2 things--don't know which is the right path...so others can pipe in here: 1) give him what he feels he's needing...not a failure, attention, desired, etc. OR 2) you do the same...detach, move on a bit and focus on other things in life, BE HAPPY FOR YOU, have a good time. See the trend?
I could be way off....either way, you need to catch yourself now, stop spiraling with this stuff. Pull back, focus on you, and detach from the drama.
DEB!!! STOP IT!!! I have just been going through a time myself. I actually snooped in my husband's phone. I have never done that before. It started out with me feeling bad about myself. Then I started thinking about things he was doing--staying out late, not including me in his plans, not calling to let me know what was up for the night. Away went my mind-ASSuming! I started doing just what you are doing--imagining I knew what he was up to--seeing someone else, talking on the phone with her, maybe having lunch together, sleeping together. I finally drove myself nearly hysterical when he didn't come home one night (which is not unusual cuz he will stay over at a friends if he has been drinking too much). But I had it all figured out and when he got home confronted him--dumb, dumb, dumb! After much discussion he told me he has been uncomfortable being out with me because he feels I'm a "babysitter" instead of a wife. This is because I accused him a couple of times of spending time with other women. It all boils down to my insecurity with myself and thinking I'm not good enough for him. How sick is that!!! This week he made commitment to come home after work every night instead of stopping off to drink with his buddies. He said he was doing it for himself. And he has stuck to it. It is just for the week so don't know what will happen this weekend, but I let him know I appreciated having him around even though I know it isn't for me.
I got my KLA tapes out and started listening again--they are comforting. I have to work at acting as if and I have to get back to taking care of me and not focusing on him so much. You can too, Deb. I think Ellie is right, too--you've got to say something. But don't accuse.
Most days are good, but sometimes we are going to struggle. Most of the time, it is because I'm not loving myself. You can do it, Deb!
Hi gals, I'm just getting a minute to post now before I leave for the day. I am calmer thanks to all of your input, but it's been a tough day. I am taking all of your suggestions to heart, and they're what's keeping my sane at the moment. I didnt email him earlier today because I still worry about appearing "clingy", and one time within the last couple of months he did get really snarly at me when I told him I missed him in an email. I don't feel like I can ask about mondays schedule, Ellie, because that means I'm snooping...I have to go into a special computer program to look it up. sigh.
H did email me over lunch though, and said ILY....I was out of the office and didnt respond, he emailed me later asking if everything was ok, I did respond then.
He stopped by before he left, I had MSN up on the computer, and he said "hey you wanna see that"....and found monster in all her glory to show me. of course I'd found her earlier and logged in to read her details....so he logged in and got to read it all....evidently yesterday he just clicked on it and she came up on the front page. H was pretty shocked by that, seems dismayed by the whole thing....said "I really don't care for that, seems like plain ole' wh--ing around to me, out there for all the world to see (can't imagine what he thinks of the sex sites); I commented that she is certainly well polished in her presentation, and he agreed. then I got tearful....H said "I'm sorry, I thought you'd want to see because you said she should go away." Told him I don't like to see her, even in a picture on the net....and he was actually comforting and reassuring, hugged me and kissed me and said "I love YOU"...I told him I wish I could just dump a bucket of water on her as in the wizard of oz....and watch her shrivel away. I did comment that I doubted he'd ever find me on an internet dating site, and he said that was reassuring, because that is very unappealing to him.
I need to think about somehow nicely telling him to concentrate with me on working on us....actually I did tell him that tonight, and he seemed to agree, but then I always find him getting all sad and mopey again. I gotta sign off. I hope it's an easier weekend. I just wish she'd GO AWAY ALREADY!
I dunno.....this has been a hard week. I've not been very good here at work, either. I'm having a tough time with this, not sure why, maybe just tired from moving the kids, etc., I will get back to work on "merchandising" the house though...I thought I was doing pretty well at it, then the kids moved in and everything kind of ground to a halt. I think that is a lot of it. I know it's really effecting H as well.
I might journal that he's intiated sex last Thurs, Friday and Sunday and last night so I guess that part isn't affected.
