It was truly the weekend from hell, everything from car wrecks to paychecks (ours) not going through electronically. I am exhausted.
then, this morning, get an email from H that he will need to do paperwork this weekend. I emailed him back asking him not to lie to me anymore, that if he needs to be with her to let me know and I will be gone, I can't deal with it anymore. Got an email back that he's not lying, he's as exhausted as I am (I'm sure that's true) and that he doesnt want to go back to being "stuck between 2 worlds", that I could check his schedule on the computer (actually I have it already pulled up to do just that) plus he emailed me copies of emails he got last week noting the case notes he is behind on (there are several)..... I am so tired today I don't even know what he means by stuck between 2 worlds. I am going to check his schedule. was going to do that before he "gave me permission".
Hey Deb- I don't really have any good advice. Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I check out your thread pretty frequently because our sitch's seem similar- except my H still isn't talking about the A or apologizing for anything.
After about a year of only slight rollercoaster behavior and suspicions on my part, in the past month my H has gone back to complete depression/withdrawal by hardly speaking to me and sleeping on the couch. The part that makes it more difficult is that I'm 5 months pregnant.
I guess I just wanted to say that I know how you are feeling. In any given day I have moments of "down deep inside I know we will get through this" and then a few hours later "we're falling apart, I can't take it anymore, I'm not even sure if I want to make it."
Hi WN...thanks for the encouragement. I also check out your thread to see how you're doing, hardly ever post to you, because I don't feel like I have any advice to give. You've done so well. I can't imagine dealing with this crap and being pregnant at the same time, it was all I could handle to be pregnant!
I'm going to try to find you in a bit, I have to even stop to think what forum you are in.
I did check H's schedule. He is almost completely booked, every hour this week. Far different from when I would check it a year and 1/2 ago, when he'd be pi--ing and moaning about how overscheduled he was, and have 1/2 days empty, even entire days.
I asked him what he meant by the "between 2 worlds" comment...I'm pretty dense this morning. He is pretty angry with me right now, I read Ellies reply on someone elses thread about anger being guilt turned outward...maybe that also applies here. got this response from H:
"What I’m saying is I don’t want to have things go back to the way they were with me having the affair and being at home. That wasn’t something I wanted to get back into. I too am tired, I forwarded Tuesday and Wednesday’s p-note list, I haven’t even got Thursday’s yet and so far everyone has come today. If I don’t get that stuff from last week done it will be reported to (supervisor) and I’m in trouble. I have new pt's paperwork to do from Thursday and another scheduled for today. (co-worker) isn’t coming in so I’m getting stuck with an urgent case out for the 8th. I’m just saying this doesn’t happen all the time but I by God need to get caught up and I just might have to work on Saturday to do it, okay? You are so over focused on me and the past you got to understand this can and will happen every once in a while so stop the damn fits, please! Next one’s here so I've got to go."
I sent this reply: "I understand work piling up and needing to get it caught up. always did, and got stung real hard because I did. not up for anymore stings is all. What comes across is that you don't like being stuck in the middle, not that you are happy with your choice."
I havent heard back, and I don't intend to reply to him if he emails unless it's a really sweet one. I guess I'm like Yo-Yo, just too tired to deal with this crap, yet it's impossible not to think about it when it smacks you in the face all the time.
I don't suppose I should have sent the email I did, but i just have no patience to put up with his crap after his response to my efforts.
guess I'm gonna "fade out" and stay that way for a bit. No reply from H, he's probably ticked as heck with me. of course, it's all about him, first and last and always...I would have NO reason to be frustrated or ticked off at him. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo sick of all this crap
oops, spoke too soon. Guess my email was turned off. Got this one from him at 12:30:
Quote: I’m tired and not real articulate today. I also am not going to waste time e-mailing this back and forth when I could actually be doing the work and home on Saturday, I hate this too! I told you it was my choice to go or stay and I stayed because I wanted to, okay? Really, I’m not going to explain any more, if you can’t accept I’m over worked and my situation then go. I’ll see ya. D
ok, whatever. I'm not going to respond, so he wont' have to complain about emailing.
deb - Hi! Apologize for not posting much. Can't offer much advice as I am soooo tired and zonked out with my yoyo-ing H that being DARK is better than doing something negative. So, as a result have also sort of shut-off my brain. Anyway, I think you asked me about the "Make Up, Don't Break Up" book. It's by a Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. Hope you will find it useful.
Hi Slowly....I think maybe the 180 was at the least ok....I was so worn out and had such a headache, I went home sick in the afternoon. later in the afternoon he sent this email:
Quote: Deb; I’m sorry I popped off earlier. I am tired, stressed, and angry about the mess with the kids. I guess I’m directing a lot of that at you, I just need some time to regroup. I have not shown interest in monster, except to learn of what she got in trouble for. I know, really I should just mind my business. However, monster only reiterates that she is pleased with her life now and moving on. So please let’s just quit the squabbling, why? D
I'm sure he was probably pretty shocked that I just let that one sit, but since i wasnt here, there was no temptation to answer it ; I still havent told him i was gone (usually will say I was when I don't answer him for quite a while - which is the truth)...he also forwarded me 3 or 4 copies of emails he got from the billing dept saying he needed to get paperwork in....with the only comment being "see!...." When he got home that evening, he looked kind of like he didnt know what to expect. We did exchange hugs when he came in , and he looked confused and "leary"...We have 3 kids in the house now, so H asked if I wanted to go upstairs for a bit....I thought he wanted to talk in private. We went upstairs, talked a teeny bit about how nutsy all this makes me, and his impression that i was sending "hateful" emails. He kept saying that he is NOT interested in her, and not contacting her, and that it upsets him that I think he is. That he lied before but is NOT lying now, and that even then sometimes he did have to go to work. that he is sorry for the lies. Then he initiated a "quickie"....go figure. I can never guess what brings all this on.
Yesterday he was warmer, although tired from his long day. this morning there was a bit of discussion about the whole thing again. I told him that part of what made me so nuts Monday was that when I pulled into work, monster was parked right next to his vehicle. Flashbacks of 2 years ago when she would park next to him and put stuff in his car hit me really really hard. THEN I come into work and get the email about him having to work on the weekend, and I'm already emotional and irrational from lack of sleep and anxiety over trying to get the kids moved back and it was a very bad combo.
And Yesterday she parked right next to him again. I swear, if she isnt parking beside me she's parking beside him. Anyway, when I told H about it, he said (again) that he didnt know that because he's not around to see where she's parked. that perhaps she was just trying to get in the door as fast as possible, and that's what was open...I told him no, that's not it. There were other spaces open in the vicinity. that she had to be doing it to get to one of us. Later H said that he was thinking about it, and that she probably is doing it to get a rise out of me and get me to go after him (that's what I've suspected) so that he will call her and tell her to quit parking there. H commented "she's gamey like that". Yeah, duh, I KNOW she is. she's a freakin nut case is what she is.
This morning I got this email from H:
Quote: Deb; How was it coming in for you? It was fairly slick even with the Trail Blazer. J(co-worker) and I made it over without too much trouble. It feels nice to be over here, rather relaxing actually. I’m sorry about being so up tight, it’s just really stressful at home right now, little rest, no place to let down my hair. However, we just need to remember that this is temporary and we can get through it. How’d your meeting go? Well, my appt. is finally ready so got to go for now. I love you! Later D
;
later I got this one from him:
Quote: It looks like the snow is slowing down over here and the sky is lighter. It sure is pretty to look at, if it weren’t for all the pain in the butt that goes with it I‘d love snow.
I know things are fresh and I’m sorry about that. Just hang in there as over time it will get better. We just got to make it through this time with the kids and all. If we hadn’t got them when we did I’m afraid the weather would have prevented it till spring. Well, I got to get going. Did you cancel your out of town meeting? Later D
His comment about things being fresh is related to one I made earlier that I'm having a hard time because a lot of the hurt is still "fresh" and this time of year seems to bring it to the surface for some reason.
I hope I'm not reading more into it than is there, but it seems to me that not responding was effective, and that he does understand and is concerned about how much I'm struggling, and I'm beginning to think that he is telling the truth. He keeps telling me to get in the computer and check his schedule, or that he'll print it off and bring it home. I havent told him I've already checked it.
Deb, I'm a lurker and couldn't help replying to your latest. You two are doing so well, but you've got to let Monster go. You are concerned about him thinking about her yet you keep bringing her up for him to think about. I feel you are slipping--get your confidence back Deb. Leave the R talks alone for awhile. Who gives a rat's behind where she parks?! Are you really going to let that get to you. And you are sneaking a peak at his schedule? What are you hoping to find. Deb, it's been awhile now, please let go of your obsession with her. Now he is feeling he needs to justify what he does--is that really what you want--I'm afraid you are going to push him away. Trust!
; I still havent told him i was gone (usually will say I was when I don't answer him for quite a while - which is the truth)...he also forwarded me 3 or 4 copies of emails he got from the billing dept saying he needed to get paperwork in....with the only comment being "see!...."