Friday night...he's asleep on the couch. It's been almost a month since my last "O". Not a month since we ML. Just a month since it was good.
We have been trying this new thing, "your turn" then next time "my turn". My thought was this would take the pressure off of him, and let him enjoy ML completely when it was his turn.
Since this agreement, he has had two mind-blowing BJ's from me. (He got an extra since I got my period right after his first turn) I try to show him how nice it is to give someone you love pleasure. I don't think he gets it.
Even after my period, my turn didn't include any special attention. He just doesn't like female parts.
I think he thinks girls are "icky".
I've never been self conscience of my body until him.
In my first marriage, thanks to my X's attitude toward womens bodies, I never worried about anything. With this husband, again because of his attitude, we never have sex during my period, I douche way too much for good health and I try really hard not to get to wet during foreplay ( what little foreplay I get)
I feel all of our problems in bed are directly related to his inhibitions. I can't believe he is so fussy. I think he would be happy if we never had sex.
Oh dear... I can relate to much of your post... I (and others) will be able to relate to having had a good or better sex life in the past and now being mystified at how things that were once so simple are now a minefield.
I'm posting to welcome you and to say that the board tends to be kind of slow on the weekends (I think a lot of people participate from work).
How long have you been married? Any children? Was it better in the beginning? If it changed, when? Would he be willing to go to any couples' therapy?
There appear to be no simple solutions to these problems-- not what you want to hear, I know. Stick around and welcome aboard this leaky boat.
Welcome lorio, I hear that old "Pressure" word again. Its awful when your love is seen as nothing more than "Pressure". Having a "your turn my turn" is quite a good idea but you have to persist particularly when its his turn and he'd rather "knock". Think about having a schedule (like I do) of one (or if your lucky two) fixed days of the week. It's not spontaneous I know but it gives you something to look forward to!! It got me up from 3x per year to 3x per month. I'm always amazed to hear about women who go to such lengths to ML particulary at the wrong time of the month. I love the yucky female bits but my W's periods seem to last for ages and she won't let me anywhere near at that time. There's no way she would ever douche for my benefit. SD - I love HD women - just wish I had one!!!
While I was reading your post, I have to admit that my first thought was, “Let’s swap”, but we all know that isn’t the answer to anything. It’s just that your H sounds just like my W. We haven’t tried the “your turn then my turn” thing the way you describe, but every encounter is her turn then mine. What struck me the most was the part about him not liking female parts. He thinks girls are “icky”. W has the same feeling about men. She’s an enthusiastic recipient of oral, but the whole idea of her doing it to me is “gross”. Her idea of good sex is for me to go down on her until she has her O, then reciprocate by giving me a handjob, preferably with a rubber glove. Just kidding about the rubber glove; she’s never used one. But judging by the way she reacts when she gets a little on her, I don’t doubt that she would like the idea. IOW, you’re NOT alone here.
Lil already asked, but let me repeat a couple of questions. How long have you been together? How long have you been married? Was it always this way? If it was different before, when did things change? Have you talked to him about this? Is he aware of how much this bothers you?
I also have to say that there were a couple of things in your post that really bothered me – both in the same sentence. The douching is one. If you believe it’s too frequent for good health, then cut down. Your sex life is already unsatisfactory; doing something you believe is detrimental to your health in order to get something unsatisfactory just doesn’t make any sense. The trying “really hard” not to get wet is another problem. Besides the obvious fact that it forcing you to concentrate on something other than enjoying the experience, it’s also screaming that he only likes it when you’re not aroused. What gives with that?
Wow first off let me say my doctor has always said never to douche. That it causes more harm then good. Can I ask why you feel the need to do that so often? Taking a shower before sex would be more healthier then that.
That's terrible that would lie there trying not to get wet. That is such a natural response to sex. Is your husband really that picky? Has he always been that way?
We've been married less than three years. I've tried since the 4th month to discuss the problem.
I've come to the conclusion that he has an aversion to normal female secretions. At the age of 43, he has a huge lack of knowledge the female body. I used to think it was funny how he misused certain terms. (Like when he said one night, in the heat of passion, how he loved being inside my clit!) I don't think he knows my clit from my little finger! I've tried to kindly and gently educate him. He act like an embarresed Jr. high school boy. I bought some tastefully done sex instruction video's about a year ago. He recently let me know that he did watch about 5 minutes of one. I asked him how did it make him feel. "What do you mean?" he asked. I asked "Did it interest you, turn you on, gross you out, did you learn anything that you didn't know? ... I didn't get at straight answer. He just grinned like an idiot and acted embarressed as usual.
I know what I need to do. I need to withhold pleasing him until he gets the message. Right? I've been trying to show him how to love for three years. I'm tired of feeling like a cat in heat. One "O" per month is not acceptable. And as for the douching, I never did that (I'm a RN, I know the health risks and benefits) Its only because of his attitude toward female secretions that make me want to "sterilize" myself. I don't feel dirty, he just thinks I am.
I wonder if there are any aversion therapy techniques that would cure him.
Does anyone feel that there is hope. I'm too young to give up good sex.
Quote: I've come to the conclusion that he has an aversion to normal female secretions. At the age of 43, he has a huge lack of knowledge the female body...I wonder if there are any aversion therapy techniques that would cure him.
You should really look into sex therapy for the two of you. One thing I've heard that they do well is behavioral therapy to help repressed people "get their feet wet", so to speak.
See http://www.aasect.org/ You might get some ideas on how to find a therapist in your area.
Although you might never get him to go. If you can't even get him to talk about it, I don't know what your chances are of seeing a therapist. These kinds of attitudes are kind of rare these days, especially in men.
What was his sexual history before you? You mentioned he had a bad first marriage. Does he ever talk about sex with XW?
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Has anyone noticed a pattern here regarding H desire partners often hooking up with L desire partners?
Michelle's book briefly mentioned the irony. I'm beginning to wonder if it is just the way things are or if somehow alot of us start out mildly out of balance but when the issue is brought out in the open, the H desire spouce becomes even more H and the L desire spouse feels pressured and therefore retreats even more?
Another interesting bit of info regarding my own relationships: I was married first to a basically good man. But we got married way to young (I was 16, PG and he rescued my from an abusive home) He had all the right feelings for me from the beginning but I was in no emotional state to be married or to even know how to love. To make a long story short, because he loved me so much and was a good man and good father, I worked HARD at that marriage. I used to think of it as a "marothon marriage". But finally my energy ran out and after our children were nearly grown I had to get out. My point here is that for 23 years, I thought that I just basically didn't like sex. I felt there was something wrong with either me (for not wanting it) or him (for wanting it alot) And the real kicker is that he was one of those men who just LOOOVVVE's a women's body. And really knew how to do things good. Now you would think that would make me want sex too, but it didn't. I was the L desire partner for 23 years living with a H desire. Now the tables are turned, I married my current husband for the most important reason. I Love Him in a way that I didn't believe existed. I know he loves me too. I'm a damned good wife! I've had 23 years of practise at making a relationship work. Only now I see what I was supposed to feel for my first husband. I like sex! wow, what a shocker. If my first h new the way I am with 2nd h, he would not believe it. The irony is that my 2nd has all the hang ups about natural sexual responses and is the exact opposite of the 1st. He is a wonderful man and a great husband out of the bedroom, but God! our sex life sucks! sometimes I wonder if this is my punishment for not making my 1st marriage work. I know this is not a healthy thought and here's one more unhealty thought: Maybe my 2nd doesn't really love me the way he should. I didn't even know love felt like this till i met 2nd. Maybe he just thinks he loves me. Compared to his 1st W, I'm a saint. So maybe I have him now through a kinda "default". (like, well this is the nicest, prettiest, most honest woman I've ever had so I must love her)
Does any of this make sense? love to hear what anyone thinks.
Sounds to me like what you were missing in your first marriage (Emotional connection) that caused your LDness, you have found with your 2nd H, which has restored you.
I also think that by 'sterilizing' your body, you are only affirming for your H that there is indeed something icky about your body. I'd stop it, personally. You don't have anything to be ashamed about, and it certainly is NOT helping in the sex dept. anyway. Stop reinforcing it for him.
Also, people do not 'pick up' on other people's messages like "if I do this to him, he'll understand that I want him to do this to me." Just doesn't work. I'd try a more direct tactic with him... and if he doesn't like doing oral on you, would he be open to using a toy on you or with you? Have you asked?
I think you will have much better success with your H if you are gently open and honest with him, and ask for what you want. If he can't give it, he can't, but through open dialogue, you can discover what he is and is not willing to do or try. At least that way, you know what you are dealing with, and not wondering what is going on in his head.
Also... he feels the way he feels. To say that he should or should not feel or be certain ways just because he is a 43 year old male will only make matters worse. He will become ashamed of how he is when really what he is seeking from you is acceptance... maybe you can relate on some level from your first M.
He is probably sleeping so much to avoid what is very obviously an emotionally painful situation for him. I'd get into C if I were you... sounds to me like he is having a tough time verbalizing his feelings to you, and he is feeling very, very vulnerable with you.
I understand your frustration, but I can tell you from experience, that frustration is only going to make your situation worse, not better.
There is a communication problem going on in your M... also a trust and honesty problem. I'd fix those first... don't know that it'll solve your sex problem, but it will certainly be a big help.
I (and others) will be able to relate to having had a good or better sex life in the past and now being mystified at how things that were once so simple are now a minefield.