I just had a nice reply all ready for you and I accidentally erased it. I don't have the time to retype it. But, atleast I'll just let you know that I'm out here and thank you for keeping tabs on me.
opti, Hi! glad you are back, waiting for your big update. Are you growling at me? I'm bad, I know. I think the hormones are kicking in early this month, and I wasn't prepared enough to control them this early. Or some other dumb reason I can't come up with yet.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Well, well. Time ticked by last night, well after the time H should have been home. I oscillated between going to bed or going for a drive. Sub zero temps, I opted for a drive. I thought if nothing else I’d clear the frost from the windows of the car and H would notice when he got home, ‘create mystery/180 theory’.
I'm sort of ambivalent about 180s/mystery that have a chance of making a spouse jealous. I know that there were several times when I was still living with my then W and I stayed out late just because I couldn't stand the tension at the house and she ended up accusing me of stuff...the stuff that she was doing...e.g. persuing an affair. If I had to go back, I would only do 180s/GALs that I was sure were going to make me feel better and not even consider how my W would react. That is detachment. IMHO, 180s/GALs that are done with *any* motivation of making the spouse jealous are probably harmful. My understanding of DBing, at least in retrospect, can be boiled down to "bring as much positive energy to the situation as possible" and inciting jealousy...I don't know. But that is just my opinion and what do I know? I'm batting oh-for-one.
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bed. Do I wait and talk? Or get in bed? I got in bed. I wanted to hear about his skiing, but he never came and offered information, or asked me anything but I didn’t figure he would, and by this time I was thinking I’ve screwed up enough tonight and just leave it alone. But then I heard some noise, and the dogs started barking, so I got up to see if critters were lurking. H was on his laptop, asked if things were okay outside, I said I didn’t see anything and went back to bed. Got back up, asked H if he would come warm my feet up, I was really cold, and he could tell me about skiing. He gave a 4 sentence version of his night, said he needed to get in skiing shape again. I offered a massage, he said that wouldn’t help. I said I’d wear pajamas if he was afraid of something happening, he said he wasn’t afraid of anything. I asked if the ski hill stayed open late tonight, he said not that he knew of, I said oh, I didn’t think the roads were that bad (referring to him being home so late). He said, oh yeah? (I could hear sarcasm coming) I went back to bed. Slept fitfully with my babysitter the rest of the night, the TV.
Please, WCW, takes this as constructive criticism. I think you started out well by fighting to do the "act as if" thing even though you didn't feel like it but the question about the hill staying open late probably came off as nagging or implying that you thought he might have been out with OW.
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Today at work I was emailing and the auto list popped up of options, and OW’s name was there. It was too tempting for me to avoid, I sent an email. Very nice, really, here it is - Good Morning……..your name popped up from the list of ~~~~~ in my email as I was sending something to the HR department, and I thought……oh what the heck………it’s the Christmas season. So, Merry Christmas!
How’s things going? Keep hearing about your new place, you’re sure the talk of many communities. Were you expecting such celebrity status? Sounds like (H) has still been a great source of support for you. I’d love a tour sometime too! And to see your puppies. Well, I suppose they’re hardly puppies anymore, time goes so fast. TTFN
Now maybe this is real dumb to do, but one thing I keep thinking about was H said when I found him leaving her place and we were talking about her being a wedge between us, he said ‘it doesn’t have to be’. Never got more of an explanation from him, but if this woman is really nothing more than a friend then I’ve always maintained that I shouldn’t be a problem for them either and no reason not to include me in their dealings. Afterall, H says they’ve done nothing wrong or nothing to feel guilty about.
Whoa! WCW! I'll bet he is going to be p*ssed when he finds out about this! You had to know that regardless of whether you had good intentions and regardless of what he has said about OW that this was going to come off as "crazy W nosing around in my business"!
Okay, Wonka has referred to someone else on the board occassionally breaking out the frying pan to smack someone who has done something stupid. I'm breaking out the frying pan.
Do you *want* a divorce?
No, really, I mean it!
Several times in the last couple of days you have mentioned that having a direction and some closure such as situations like mine and like BigAls, even if it means D, is better than being in limbo. You've also expressed doubts as to why you ever got involved with your H in the first place. Maybe you are back on the downward slope of the rollercoaster, I don't know, but I'm going to tell you something that I'm pretty sure about, WCW. I don't know if you are consciously doing it, but I really think you are trying to sabotage what remains of your M just to get some closure.
Think about it. Am I right? Is this really what you want?!?!
I'm sorry if that comes off as harsh but I would rather you were mad at me because I'm wrong or presumptious than you do something that you may regret down the road.
Do I want a divorce? no, I don't. Do I want to be in this marriage where I'm not a care or concern to anyone? nothing that even comes remotely close to thinking I mean anything at all to my husband? no, I don't. I am so tired, I am so empty. I just don't know what I have to keep going on. All I have left is the tears that are flowing down my face, and the sobs racking my body. How many years do I continue to wait for a sign of care or concern from the man I love? How often does any ray of hope that I have get clouded over? How many times can I get back up when the rug is pulled out from under me? I am running below empty.
Am I sabatoging what's left? maybe I am. Maybe I am pushing for something to happen, and whatever direction it goes I deal with the consequences. I am tired of limbo. I am tired of being tired, draggin my butt through each day at work only to come home to an empty house with no love to fill it. I am tired of keeping my life a secret from everyone and having to monitor every word I say in case it gets back to H.
I don't belong anywhere, even on this BB. I don't belong in Newcomers, I don't belong in Piecing, I don't belong in Hopefulness or Separated or Surviving. I don't even belong in my own marriage, there isn't another partner of this marriage that cares if I am here.
My toes are about to become chicklets, it's horrendously cold. H stopped home for less than 10 minutes tonight. Enough time to drop his trailer (which still houses his clothes and most personal posessions) and say bye. We did have a heated discussion, but it was about an organization we are both directors of, and we are on the same side of this issue, so the heat was from both of us pointing in a mutual direction.
I suppose he didn't expect me to know he would be gone tonight, but I heard a snag of a conversation at our meeting last week about tonight. Not that he would inform me of any of his plans. While he is gone and his trailer is here, I have a good mind to just load up more of his crap and clothes and then send him a txt that when he comes home he can either come inside and be a husband or he can hook up that trailer and go down the road.
But I most likely won't. I will just continue letting myself die inside until the outside looks just the same. I am cold physically, I am cold on the inside, and I just want someone to care if I am ever warm again. I am sorry for being so weak. Maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I like your idea. Too bad it isn't really that simple huh?
I'm weak. I'd be tempted to go snoop through his things in the trailer. See if I could find anything incriminating. I'd also be tempted to drive by OW house and see if he is there.
But then I give bad advice based on impulse...so definately do not listen to me. I'm daydreaming.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Dress up, spray a lot of perfume on, and GO OUT. Then make sure you don't come back in until after H is home. Go sit at Borders or Denny's or whatever, just make it home later than him. It will make him think twice next time he goes out.
If you've ever read my thread then you know that I'm in a pretty screwed up place with whether to save my R with H or not, so this is just plain old simple advice, not from DR and zenmaster will probably whoop me for it, but here goes!
I've read your thread every day for a long time. You're a wonderful, strong, vibrant, positive, caring, loving, hard-working, funny.. get the picture? woman! You love your H more than any woman I know on God's given earth. Seriously, if you've ever read my whining and moaning, you know you take "love is a verb" to a level that's amazing compared to others. You have the patience of Job. And I'm saying this because I havent seen you let yourself die.. I've seen you live superbly in a bad situation. I'd hate to see any of what you've shown to us here on the BB die, because YOU are a special person. Ten cents: If you have to let something die in you, let the love for your H die, and don't you dare start being someone that you're not because of how he's acting! Can you focus DBing on yourself... really and truly on YOU for awhile? We all do a whole lot of acting in what we think are different ways, improving, and then monitoring our S for their reaction to see if it's helping to bring them closer to us. That's a good thing, but when it's the only goal, it leaves us living a life that's controlled by what our S does and how they react.
What do YOU want to do? Seriously, if your H wasnt in your life, what would you do to make yourself happy today? Can you start doing that and re-capture some of those parts that you feel are dying? Maybe your H looks at you and sees a woman that is living her days for him, and that in itself is needy and pursuing. Not that you're running after him begging, pursuing, snooping etc, because you're not. But this man knows you well. Are you the person he married? When he looks at you does he see a whole, happy, healthy picture of the woman that he fell in love with, or does he see a woman that's been dragged through the ringer by him and is desperately trying to hold on and make it work?
I'm not suggesting that you do anything drastic to push him away, or force a decision. I'm only saying that GAL is for more than to just figure out what will earn back our S love. It's for us and for getting back who we are and living our life in a way that might draw the other person back because our presence is a positive force in their life.
If H has decided to not decide or decided to go cold then that's his decision. Please please let your light shine and don't let him take such a warm loving woman to antartica with him.
I hope I didnt offend you. Like I said, I'm really not one to give advice, but I just feel so strongly that you can live a good life for you, and if it doesnt bring your H back, nothing would have done that. And, I don't think your idea about the trailer was necessarily a bad one. You read Love Must Be Tough (in fact, I read it because it helped you!) Maybe give it some thought.. what does Michele say about evalutating if what you're doing is helping the situation? You've been so consistent with how you treat your H.. is it time yet to re-evalutate or do ya have some more in you? It seems to be taking its toll on you. Again I say this with affection and no criticism at all.. you've kept a focus through this that I personally havent found the strength to maintain.
I hope you aren't mad at me for being harsh. I'm sure that everyone can see that your rollercoaster has been really tough lately and we all wish we could be there to take you out for a glass of wine/cold beer/pick your vice and show you a fun time. You really need, and deserve, to be happy!
If I could just wave a wand...for you and for so many others on these boards...but I can't...I can only sit here and wish the best for you. :\
Hey WCW. Piglet beat me to it. It is 100% time for WCW to take care of herself and forget about her H for awhile. I know you work like a slave and have little time and fewer resources, but it seems to me I heard you mention some time off (AND sick time). Do something you want whatever that is. Go somewhere, stay in a hotel in town, stay in bed all day, whatever. Take care of yourself ok? Send H a txt and say "You need to run things around here for a day or two." and forget about the household responsibilities.
I'll second...er...third what Piglet2 and bigAl said. Take care of *yourself* WCW. I wish we could all come by and take care of the farm for you for a couple of days. Like you'd see this big dust cloud coming down the road before you could actually see us coming. And then we roll in in like a big RV caravan and just take over. bigAl hands you the keys to his new motorcycle and off you go for a week of "me time".
