But how can I know for sure? A female co-worker that I talk to alot says that she thinks, just by listening to me, that my wife has NOT slept around but probably has a male friend that she leans on for emotional friendship (who may or may not have his own motives)
This is all purely speculation of course, and I know that I shouldn't be manufacturing situations..............
But how can I know? Or do I even want or need to know?
OAW, I have noticed that this is the first assumption that strangers make of a separation, especially non-married strangers. Even if your W has been having the so-called Emotional Affair, she got to that point for a reason; something about the dynamic of your R was off. That's why it's dangerous to listen to strangers opinions and advice. They don't know what happened between your four walls. They don't know your W as well as you do.
Even here, at the forum, you can hear all kinds of advice and I think that we here are less biased, but you still know better.
Keep doing your 180s. Keep surprising her and proving her wrong in her assumptions of you. AND keep a solution journal with what works and what doesn't.
Right now I would have to say no. I would still want her back and would try to win her back. Especially if it was just an emotional or internet affair.
I would still want her back and would try to win her back.
Then it will be much easier for you to hold onto the correct mindset if you don't find out, especially since you don't really believe anything too serious is going on (there are different levels of EA, though, some more serious than others). Just stay with that thinking for now. If she does have something going on you will probably see the signs, though that's not guaranteed.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I'm no guru of emotional affairs. I don't know that there are any official "levels".
One definition of an emotional affair is anything between a married person and a member of the opposite gender that the married person wouldn't want their spouse to know about. So that would cover some slightly excessive interoffice flirting that wasn't really meant to go anywhere (but would still detract attention and effort from the marriage) to full blown declarations of undying love. To me, anyway, those things are distinctly different. Neither is good or appropriate, but one is much worse than the other.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
In my case this EA my W was involved in evolved into a full fledged PA. This was caused by a large degree by my inability to see the signs and if I did ignored them and continued my ways of driving a wedge in our M.
The EA starts harmlessly, in my W case a longtime friend and schoolmate from HS. I recall vividly 8 years ago my comments to my BIL at a family dinner that I felt the OM had intentions on my W. All was dismissed as me being paranoid, but as we all know, WE know our genders and tactics too well. This EA grew steadily for years until when he found out about our M problems, he offered her a night at a remote resort "to talk and get her head clear". This is where he proclaimed his longstanding love for her and kissed her. The rest went downhill very quickly.
So I agree with BB on the points of EA, I also state that they need to be discussed with you spouse. The effort it takes to upkeep a M or R is not spent in the right direction when it is going to another individual.
As to what you would do OAW, my mistake was pursuing it and finally discovering and witnessing my greatest fears. That in itself has caused me personal grief and issues that have taken many months to get over and learn to control it. It is only now I can really focus on my changing and efforts for our M.
Sooooo, I would caution you to try and discover what is going on. The truth, in my case, was worse than the speculation. What the key here is, changing yourself to become that which is attractive and desirable to your W again. This of course is my humble opinion.
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
Quote: In my case this EA my W was involved in evolved into a full fledged PA. This was caused by a large degree by my inability to see the signs and if I did ignored them and continued my ways of driving a wedge in our M.
I can relate to this. In my case, my H.'s affair began as friends, then PA, THEN EA. It is 8 mo. long now, and although there have been some signs of trouble, he has not ended things.
I knew something was wrong, but he was what they call "gaslighting" me the whole summer--making me think I was paranoid, constantly telling me there was no one else (lie), and making me feel guilty for doubting him, that he just needed "space". The signs were all there, but I was a woman who though this would never happen to "us". I was completely wrong.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
