MY husband and I seem to be doing a little better. We had a great EC over the holidays and even ML once. I was kind of disappointed though that it was only once considering he had 5 days off. One thing he has made very clear is he don't care what I do. He states that he is NOT jealous. He always says that he doesn't care if I go out and again he states I don't care what you do.
Okay so the other day I went out with a friend briefly. This friend and is only a friend is a male. It's no secret this male friend thinks I can do better and was kinda angry when he heard hubby just left during the summer. So ever since going out with the friend hubby has been acting angry and very distant. He's been very snappy, stopped giving a kiss bye or anything. I have been angry though to because he doesn't help around the house a lot and I work just as much as him. So that to has cuased him to be hostile because he can sense I am getting tired of this and have complained. So I am sure that hasn't helped the EC. But I can't help he doesn't mean what he says about not caring what I do if his attitude speaks different.
One thing I have learned here is sometimes you have to bite your tongue. You have to try and be understanding and patient. We were talking about past relationships. He has engaged before and that girl had cheated on him. Matter of fact his ex wife cheated to. I said wow you had just left to go away and she was already cheating. He said kind of cocky well I guess once she had a taste of something good then she couldn't get enough. I wanted to say maybe she felt like I do. Or kind of ask him if things were with her like they are for us. But I bit my tongue. It amazes me that he is able to keep his ego up this well when we have been through so much do to his LL.
LOL I guess I should put what I would like advice on. I am wondering why he would seem so angry about this male friend. When he clearly says he doesn't care.
One other thing is........I really would like to seek out marital counseling for us. I am wondering because there will be very sensitive issues I want to address like his LL. I wonder if the gender of the counselor would matter. He won't address this issue with me at all. So I am wondering because I would assume it embarrasses him. If it would be more embarrassing to talk with a woman or a man?
Hi Cally... His words may say one thing, but his actions( feelings) are saying another. I wouldn't flaunt this friendship in his face...too antagonizing if you want to save the marriage. Personally, I try to stay away from opposite sex friendships and I hope H does the same...I know this has been discussed here on the board already....this is just my opinion.
As far as a male or female counselor, I have been down that road and purposely sought a male MC...I just thought in my H's case, it would make it easier for him rather than having such a dominating female presence in the room. Most importantly,I would be concerned about the quality of the therapist rather than the gender.
FWIW...when I asked my H if he'd prefer a male of female C he said it didn't matter. BUT...he seems more open to speaking to the women C's we've had. I think it's far more important to find a C with a style you are comfortable with.
Why do you insist on seeing this other man if you know it upsets your husband? What satisfaction are you getting out of it? If you are doing this type of thing, what else do you do that is self centered and inconsiderate of him? Answer that question and you will understand why he is angry. I do see any mysteries here at all.
Cobra.Forst off if I want to go on what my husband has vocalized to me. Now by him actually SAYING this I take it at face value. He said he is not bothered by my friendship and he doesn't care what I do. He hasn't just said this once but several times. I am unclear why he would say something but act differently.
Why do I insist...I haven't insisted on anything. Pure and simple a friendship. My husband said he isn't bothered by. What satisfaction do I get from having a friend? Hmmm, someone to talk to, laugh with, lean on, one that I also do the same with. How could I be inconsiderate and self centered if this is something that he states doesn't bother him. Again vocally he has SAID he doesn't care what I do. But hm what else do I do besides have a friendship...I clean the house all day, go to work, come home and clean some more. On days off I run all our errands, pay the bills, handle all finances, do homework with the kiddos, volunteer at the kiddos school, do yard work and anything else that needs to be done.
Oh and by the way my husband feels people can have friendships of the opposite sex. He also states that he is not a jealous person.
Your H's actions are speaking louder than his words. Often when people say "I don't care!" that's when they care the most. I'm guilty of this sort of behavior-- I would describe it as not wanting to let my bf know that he "got to me." I pull back first.
Having said that, let me add that I don't think it's your responsibility to decode his statement. I think it is your responsibility to let him know that his statements to not fit with each other and ask him to clarify.
What I would do is say, "Honey, clearly you are bothered when I have lunch with Bob, because you were rude/mean/in a bad mood when I did. But on the other hand you told me you don't care if I have lunch with him. This does not compute. I want to talk about this and sort it out."
Re choosing a counselor: definitely call him/her and talk to them first. Ask them how much they charge, how long the session is, and how do they work? Ask them to give you a bit of their philosophy. Ask if the first session is free-- sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. These questions are completely appropriate and no therapist should be bothered by this sort of inquiry. If they are bothered, look elsewhere. You can use language like, "I'm looking for someone who will be a good fit with me / or with me and my husband." You don't have to feel shy or hesitant about this. It's a huge investment of time and money and you're setting up a very intimate and important relationship. You'll be VERY lucky if you like the first one you go to... it often takes several tries to find someone you can work with. So expect some adjustment time. Think about how hard it is to find a hairdresser you like! No reason why this should be any easier--
Great advice on the counselor thanks. I am kinda shy about being aggresive sometimes, lol. So hopefully I will not feel that way to question a counselor.
Lil, I have honestly never heard that before about people saying they don't care when that is when they care the most. Very interesting. I guess I always just say what I mean or state how I feel about something. I have always been that way. I never hold back. LOL Sometimes it can also be one of my down falls. Which is why I admire GEL because she can hold back and refrain. Me my first thought just pops out. But it is something I am working hard at. Still to say what I feel. But there are nicer words to use or better ways to phrase them. So I am trying to at least think before saying.
Quote: ---------------------------------------- Oh and by the way my husband feels people can have friendships of the opposite sex. He also states that he is not a jealous person. ----------------------------------------
Same sex friendships are a recipe for disaster. Period. Same sex friendships where discussion of one's marital problems takes place is a foot in the door of infidelity. Same sex friendships where secrets are held, already border on infidelity.
Your husband makes his claim in the quote above either because he is engaged in an activity that he shouldn't be, or he is leaving open the option to be engaged in an activity that he shouldn't be.
Dr. Shirley Glass covers all this in great detail in her book "NOT, Just Friends"
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
We had a great EC over the holidays and even ML once. I was kind of disappointed though that it was only once considering he had 5 days off. One thing he has made very clear is he don't care what I do. He states that he is NOT jealous. He always says that he doesn't care if I go out and again he states I don't care what you do.
