(For others on this board, my comments reference WL’s thread on the MLC board, here.) Sorry to hear about your loss, but glad to her your SO was there for you. Getting back to your reasoning for keeping the R alive with your SO, those all sound like great reasons. Incompatibility with your in-laws can be so damaging to a marriage, finding a family you get along with can be so reassuring. And the creative stimulation you two give each other can create strong bonds, not to mention your common friends.
But all those reasons are still props that you seem to be using to boost your esteem and sense of self. Aren’t you being dependent on him for who you are? I know you know enough to see the danger in this, and that instead you should fill these needs within yourself by yourself first. Your reasons are good, but they are not sufficient to justify a relationship with someone who could be as damaging as you have put forth.
Your obsession with salvaging this relationship bothers me. You state earlier in this thread:
I don't think I've ever had anyone love me. I don't know how it's done. I guess it will never be.
So, we're slowly getting back to the place where we were before I started freaking out and having a mlc. And he started freaking out and being a commitment phobe.
Are you using your SO to fill a need to be loved, even if SO is unhealthy for you? If this is true, are you just longing for someone, anyone who will fill this need? I wonder if you are not a little bit scared in life, what with your losses, but also because you feel no one has ever loved you? I don’t know how anyone could grow up secure without feeling loved, or loved by only one other person. It sounds like you have not dated much either. It also sounds like you are scared to do so. I know you went out on a few dates, then stopped. So now you are stuck in your little self imposed shell, desperately trying to hang on to the only loved you’ve experienced.
I am sure there are many men out there who can give you the love you need if you let them have a chance. Work on your commitment phobe issues. Gain some self confidence. Slowly push out of your shell and take more chances to gain experience and confidence. Learn not to depend on one other person. And know that you can still have common friends with your SO while being with someone new (but you better cut the tie to SO or this someone new will be threatened).
When you went to counseling, what did your therapist tell you?
Quote: I wonder if you are not a little bit scared in life
definitly.
So now you are stuck in your little self imposed shell, desperately trying to hang on to the only loved you’ve experienced.
absolutely.
That's good advice you've given me. Keep pushing outwards. Each time I do so, it does seem to work out. I learn new things and find that I am wanted. I also enjoy myself.
Quote: Aren’t you being dependent on him for who you are? I know you know enough to see the danger in this, and that instead you should fill these needs within yourself by yourself first.
You're right about this. But then sometimes I get tired and I just want a hug from someone who knows me even if they are an a** and I just want to snuggle and I just want to knwo that there is someone there for me.
I keep pushing outward and it does worka nd it does help. I find though that my body actually aches from lack of touch.
Quote: I am sure there are many men out there who can give you the love you need if you let them have a chance.
I was thinking about this earlier and I faced myself and thought. Yeah, I guess I don't really believe I will get this. I know it exists and it's out there. But I've never had it.
Um, my counselor - psychotherapist. She likes for me to hate my mom and ...no jK the biggest help that she has been is speaking of the sense of self which you also brought up.
I am working on this. I really am. I work so hard, that I just want a break. I just a week of love that I can count on.
Ideally you create your sense of self as a child with parents who do this for you.
I read on here some people whose spouses don't like to kiss, let alone make love. It's totally ridiculous to me. I would love to have a spouse that wanted to kiss me and hold me.
And then my SO who is totally a cold person gets so many people wanting to be around him and hug him and have relationships with him.
He puts forth very little effort.
It seems like the only way to have people want you is for you to not want them.
Thank you Cobra. You decribed my struggle in a nutshell. and th solution as well. Just keep reaching outward. Thank you.
I think that your reaching out is a good start but I also think you have a lot more work to do than that. Chromo is struggling with self esteem issues too, as am I. He just posted some thoughts on his counseling sessions. I hope that thread develops into some good insights.
2self acceptance - when you reject thoughts, feeling, behavior as not me when you deny or disown your experience you're trying to be self-protective but it harms self-esteem
self-esteem requires self acceptance not served by self-rejection
3 self responsibility- to feel empowered and competent you must take responsibility for your choices and actions for your attainment of desires for your happiness, fufillment, self- esteem otherwise you relinquich control over your life.
4 self assertiveness- honoring your needs, wants, values, judgements, expressing it in reality
5 living purposefully that is with goals 6 personal integrity having principals of behavior and being true to them
I worked on this stuff and then back in Il with my family, our relationships all changed as I stood up for myself more etc. Good thing. Nice.
The tough thing is letting go of relationships that just were never really there I guess.
Quote: letting go of relationships that just were never really there
This is really profound. Like waking up one day and realizing you've been eating styrofoam instead of real food... no wonder you haven't been nourished.
