You have been through some very tough days haven't you? I know this may be of little comfort to you but I'm going to say it anyway. You told your W everything now, she's fully informed of what happened in your A (EA or PT).....she didn't leave. She didn't even threaten to from what you said. She only said she didn't know how long it would take her to get over this information.
You also now have some form of closure on the OW. True it may be depressing to have to let her go, but it's something that does have to be done in order for you to truly move forward in your M. As long as you harbored the possibility that the two of you might still somehow get together....you weren't putting everything you had into your M....there would still be a part of you held back. So now you can mourn that loss....and put it in perspective. Is it possible for you right now to see how fortunate you truly are that your W didn't end things right then and there? She's still there, with you. Believe me, if she wanted to be gone...you just gave her the perfect reason to go....but she didn't Chrome.
In addition...you did the right thing! You came clean, there are no secrets between you and your W now. There is nothing the OW's H can do either, you (IMPO) removed that threat to a degree as well. Sure, OW's H is bound to be really angry with you....wouldn't you be if the tables were turned?
I believe too that now that you have come clean with your W much of the guilt you were holding in will ease....you're not harboring this big secret any longer....and you've given your W all the info she needs, no more suprises that could possibly pop up that would set her back on her heels again.
Really Chrome....I think what's happened is truly for the best. You may not see it right now, and I can see how you may truly feel overwhelemed by everything....but really, it's for the best.
Hang in there chromoglob, You had an A that was the same as mine - no LM but plenty of EC. You don't have to fill yourself with guilt over it because physically at least you were faithful. Deep down W now knows that you are attractive to other women and she may in future have to compete to keep you. That's not such a bad position to be in. If I were you I wouldn't do any more begging for forgiveness. You've said you're sorry - that's enough. Get over OW - she's history. Sort yourself out and move forward. There's a good chance W will come with you. SD - If Bube can do it SD can do it and if SD can do it chromo can do it.
Chrome... You did the right thing...remember, we are allowed to make mistakes along this journey called life...it takes a big man to own up to them and reset his course. You have such a good grasp of your issues and are now receiving the help you need...staying in this direction will bring about good, in time. Remember, you can't control W's actions, only your own, and what will be will be; you are allowed to have needs.
Okay, so you did a bad thing. You apologized, and now I think you just need to lay low for a while. Let your W digest all of this...this really stinks for her to have to deal with. Don't focus on yourself and on how bad you feel. Let her take the lead for awhile: Don't grab her and kiss her, because she doesn't want that right now. But she will, one day, want it again. You just have to be patient.
Other marriages have survived similar issues. Just look at the Clintons.;)
I’d like to add my support too. Remember that time is the great healer. And my thoughts tend to be in SuperDave’s camp. I do not think you are not entirely responsible for the EA. Your wife did play a role too. There is a lot she could have done to give you more security. She did know who you were and what you were about when she married you. So don’t beat yourself up over this. This is nothing to gain in doing so. If you’ve truly come clean (and you better be sure you have this time, there won’t be another chance!), then there is only one direction to go and that is up.
One bright side to all this is that I recall she seemed to suspect you were not truly sincere in your earlier apology. It turns out she was right. This is her karma. She now got the additional pain she was looking for, so maybe she can put that to rest. Don’t discount her part in this.
But I also see the source of your problems and the solution to all be within you. Your fears led you to doubt your marriage. Your fears led you to fantasize and have the EA. Your fears led you to confess. Your fears kept you from completely confessing. Your fears of the OM led you to complete the confession. You are doing all this to yourself. Stop following your emotions. You are logical, you can think things through if you put yourself to it, but you don’t let yourself do this.
Let some time pass so all this settles down. Let her settle down. She is NOT going anywhere, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR FEARS SAY!!! Stop the fantasizing, in both the positive and negative directions. You are being your own worst enemy.
Sorry if all this doesn't sound too supportive, but I mean it that way.
Thanks a bunch for the words of encouragement. Keeping my chin up is hard, but necessary. I need to be more positive, but I also need to realize that you don't change from a guilt-driven, low self-esteem person into a "normal" person just because you want to. It takes time and effort, and if I have strong feelings of guilt or low self-esteem at times, I don't need to feel like I am failing at the task of improving myself.
Just for an example, one of the problems I am really fighting with right now is feelings of personal attractiveness. I believe I have mentioned before that I struggled with feelings of being unattractive in the past, but the EA with OW showed me that wasn't true. But now, I am having this little thoughts percolating through my head that it was somehow all a game and that this was just some attempt by OW to boost her own self-esteem by making me have feelings for her. I know that is a silly, stupid POV, but that is the self-nature I am fighting against. I know that my W's reticence for affection in the coming time will not help defeat that self-image.
I do want to say that if my W had responded in the way your's did, I would have left. It speaks to your strength of character that you stayed. There is no way though I could live in a detached marriage for as long as you did. I know you said that things are better now, but for me to be miserable for that long would have been too damaging to myself and to my children. It would not be fair to them to have to live with me in that state, nor would it actually be fair to my wife. Anyway, I hope it won't come to that with my W, either directly or indirectly (i.e. she holds a silent grudge and makes me pay for it in subtle ways). She hasn't given me any indication as such, but only time will tell. I talked to her yesterday late about trying to go see the MC as soon as possible. She didn't say much, but then again it was a long, hard day for both of us.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I understand you suffer from low self-esteem, it comes from issues of your past....it comes from issues in your current R. What I really hope you realize is this....what you did yesterday took A LOT of courage. You need to recognize what you did and give yourself a pat on the back for being honest....I suspect you don't do that very often.
I'm going to disagree a bit with you on this though "I also need to realize that you don't change from a guilt-driven, low self-esteem person into a "normal" person just because you want to." I believe you do change into this because you want to....but yes, it does take time and effort. It also takes looking at yourself in the mirror everyday and seeing the worthwhile valuable person that you are. You may not see that person everyday, you may not feel like that person everyday....but you need to remind yourself that you are that person, every day.
I'm fairly confident that as you change your W will change too. She's going to take notice of the confident man you will become. She may not trust that change for quite some time, and in all honesty....she may not trust you for quite some time, but time does heal....eventually you two will get back on track. As I said before, if she wanted to be gone...she'd be gone, she's still there. There is still a great deal of hope for the two of you.
The C spent most of the time talking about guilt as it was pretty clear that was the driving force behind all of my issues. He had lots of good statements and analogies. He said there was good guilt and bad guilt. The good guilt keeps us from doing wrong, or at least from doing wrong again. The bad guilt is as he statedd "worse than useless." It can defeat any chance of progress, and can actually work against the good guilt. In attempting to assuage the extreme pain of the bad guilt, people often get stuck in the bad behavior (that is nonetheless temporarily rewarding and easy because it involves a "tried and true" process). He also used the following example. A child is disciplined in school for some bad behavior. That is like the good guilt, it disciplines us and helps prevent us from a recurrance of bad behavior. Bad guilt would be if the child was disciplined every day for a year, even if he did no other wrong. Bad guilt can be counterproductive because if you live with it constantly, you don't get good guilt clues, and if you start to become accustomed to the guilt, you can lose your sense of morality (i.e. everything hurts so who cares). He reasoned that guilt has probably been a major part of my life, and probably contributed to the EA. He was right on. I can remember having conversations in which I convinced myself that things were so bad anyway, who cares if people find out about the EA.
Thanks for your perspective and how it can shed light on how my W may feel. I did think that you and she are probably similar in your feelings of resentment, even though you react to things in VERY different ways. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to pressure her to forgive and forget. I am just going to drop the issue on my end and expect that she is working to drop it on her end if her goal is a happy marriage. I'm not setting any time limits right now either. I figure we will get it all out on the table with the MC in our next appointment and maybe can create a plan of action on how to deal with it.
I do have friends, some IRL and some here. The one thing I don't have is someone to give me a nice warm friendly hug everyday. I know that would go a long way toward giving me the strength to carry on.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I do have friends, some IRL and some here. The one thing I don't have is someone to give me a nice warm friendly hug everyday. I know that would go a long way toward giving me the strength to carry on.
This is where you really need to pull out the self-esteem you are developing and give yourself that hug everyday. My self-esteem is so much stronger than it was in past years. Some people may even think I'm a little "cocky" as BF likes to put it. I find that so amusing because that is sooo not the way I used to be. But you know what, eventually I stopped being concerned with if everyone likes me or not. When H left, I felt truly alone in the world in so many ways. I didn't have one friend that was going through something similar or even something similar in the past. I had no reference points. I needed to figure out so much on my own and I did! Now, I am proud of my self- esteem. Sure it hurts a little when people make negative comments or they outright ignore you. But that is not your concern. Your W is her own person, don't internalize her treatment of you into your own poor sense of self. I could have done that easily. "H left, I must be a real loser, b*tch", etc. Nope. Not true. I am a good, interesting, fairly intelligent person who is a real catch Believe and it shall be. You are the same Chrome. I've told you over and over. You mentioned being concerned about if ow was using you to make herself feel better. Does it matter? Maybe she was maybe she wasn't. Isn't that ultimately what all R are? Surrounding yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself. Why people are attracted to one another in the first place? Unless you're a real masochist, you like people who make you feel good or make you think. They stimulate you in some way (not sexually, lol). But that's good too I just think you have so much potential in you. If you get a handle on the self-esteem, your W will embrace who you are and the M will survive. Maybe even thrive. Hang in there. LFL
I figure we will get it all out on the table with the MC in our next appointment and maybe can create a plan of action on how to deal with it.
Another fantasy going on here….. I would think your next few MC sessions could be full of anger, yelling, venting. It may take some time for your wife to express this. I don’t know. Or maybe your wife won’t ever do this. Just don’t get your hopes up to much for any quick progress in the MC sessions. That will only dash your hopes.
Believe and it shall be. You are the same Chrome. I've told you over and over. 