Learning to Trust Myself IV

[Burgbud]

Do I make a bigger deal out of that than it is?

Yes and no, IMO.

It's important to you that H be interested in you and your life. Therefore he should be.

But I would hazard a guess that the reason he doesn't inquire after you is because he believes you're capable of handling things just fine. And that if you weren't, you'd say something about it. That's generally how guys are with each other so that's what he's used to. If you had a tendency in the past to not be able to handle things when a child was sick, or some other issue was arising, he probably would ask how you're doing more.

But hey, you've got us! How's S5 doing on his medication? How are you holding up? Are they managing to get by at work without you or are things going to be piled up and waiting when you get back?

[heatherg]

the reason he doesn't inquire after you is because he believes you're capable of handling things just fine. And that if you weren't, you'd say something about it.

You're probably right. For your own furture reference though, if I say something about it, it sounds like I'm complaining. If he asks, then he's generally interested, in which case we're sharing. Does that make sense? So don't wait for your SO to say something about it....ask, care.

If you had a tendency in the past to not be able to handle things when a child was sick, or some other issue was arising, he probably would ask how you're doing more.

It was more bothersome last time S5 was sick that H didn't ask about me than this time b/c I have a tendency to get sick every time the kids do and I was coming down with it last time. He never showed much, if any, concern for that. This time S5 has an ear infection, so it's not likely that I'm going to get that.

How's S5 doing on his medication? How are you holding up? Are they managing to get by at work without you or are things going to be piled up and waiting when you get back?

Why, Bud, you're so perceptive about what I need to hear S5 is sleeping on the couch, which is really good for him, it's a good deep sleep. I'd love to go and get D2 from daycare but I don't want to wake him up! He'll get his third dose of antibiotics tonight and will hopefully be well enough to go to school tomorrow....and I'll be able to return to work where they probably won't recognize me, lol. Really, I've been doing a fair amount of work from home, so it's not too bad, I'm just not as efficient. There really isn't anything anyone can do to help me out, I'm pretty independent in my position.

Thanks for asking Bud!!

[HoldenC]

Heather,

I'm a little late responding here but -

You were talking about your plan of action - stay, go, whatever. Doesn't H qualify for a PFA? If not, what about taking the kids with you if you go? One thing I was thinking of is redecorating the computer room. Get yourself a nice bed. Put a lock on the door. Or put your foot down about tv in the middle of the night. Buy a tv for his bedroom. Put the living room tv in his bedroom. Give all the tv's to the Salvation Army.

You could just start behaving IN THE HOME in ways that are perfectly normal but really get under his skin.

I'm grasping at straws, but it sure seems like he's going out of his way to make your life miserable. There must be some way, short of War of the Roses, to gain yourself a status higher than nanny and housefrau.

Try a couple Alanon meetings and come back and tell me I'm wrong about them. It's a great way to get out of the house when he's home. You don't have to tell him where you're going. But it might get him to thinking. If he ever claims he doesn't believe you, you can invite him to come along. He'll learn something there. Sometimes an Alanon meeting takes place at the same time in the same church or hospital as an AA meeting. Just down the hall or something.

Praying for you

Holden

[SweetRedd]

Hey Heather Yeah, you might be right. You do seem to get a tense before your H comes back.

Maybe things will be ok once he gets home, maybe the anticipation of him coming back into our daily lives is worse than the actual return. Are you feeling dread? Just remember - you can live the life you live when he's there just as well as you can when he isnt. Seriously - it's a choice. When he's there you might be choosing to accomodate him in ways that you dont have to when he's not, and you are faced with how he acts. But, you are the same person whether he's there or not, so whatever he does, or doesnt do, just remember - you are Heather, YOU didnt change just because he walked through that door. And if you feel any judgement from him, remind yourself that you are a good person without H's approval, and you're fabulous whether or he wants to treat you that way or not.

I think it's a good thing that you put your rings back on. No sense giving him a reason to be p*ssed. You should be proud that you're not letting him drag you into silly games

Sheila

[heatherg]

Doesn't H qualify for a PFA?

What does that mean?

If not, what about taking the kids with you if you go?

There is absolutely no way he would go for that. My H is not typical in that he would allow me to take the kids out of our home. Hell, I cannot take them to McDonalds without him. I asked the L about this and he said that without a custody agreement, each of us is just as entitled to have the children as the other. So if I take them, there is nothing to stop him from coming to get them.

One thing I was thinking of is redecorating the computer room.

I did get a new bed and a really nice Kingsdown mattress. But it's a daybed b/c that's all that will fit in there, so it's just small. Redecorating is a good idea and I've thought about it. I've decided that, all excuses aside, I simply don't want to stay in there.

Buy a tv for his bedroom.

He's got one in there. Who knows why he won't use it. On his drinking nights, he would be coming out every 15 mins anyway to make his "rounds" to the bathroom, fridge and outside to smoke. Nice, huh?

Give all the tv's to the Salvation Army.




You could just start behaving IN THE HOME in ways that are perfectly normal but really get under his skin.

I think this is my new plan. I'm just going to be me. That's all. Just me. Consideration for his feelings just isn't a priority for me at this point.

put your foot down about tv in the middle of the night....There must be some way, short of War of the Roses, to gain yourself a status higher than nanny and housefrau.

It's funny you would say that b/c I did try to put my foot down about the tv and it turned into the War of the Roses. One night after asking him twice to turn down the tv and still being too loud for me to sleep, I decided that if he was going to keep me up half the night with the tv, then he could get up early and take the kids to daycare while I slept in. I set my alarm as usual and then got up to tell him that I would be sleeping in this morning, so please plan to take the kids to daycare. He flipped. Quite literally. He tried to beat me out of the house that morning, he put his hands around my neck, I drove across the grass b/c he would move his vehicle from behind mine and ultimately we both left our kids sitting on the couch and we both drove away. Pretty War of the Roses ish huh? Yeah, not one of my prouder moments. But that's how it is with H. You challenge him, you BETTER be up for a fight. That's what I've learned. Oh yeah, and last but certainly not least regarding that incident, I was not "allowed" to take the kids to daycare for weeks after that.

Thank you for taking the time to help me think of ways to make this situation easier on me. Maybe it's just part of the roller coaster (because just a few weeks ago, I was standing my ground with NY telling him why I wanted to stay here for now), but lately all I can think about is getting the hell out of here.

But, you are the same person whether he's there or not, so whatever he does, or doesnt do, just remember - you are Heather, YOU didnt change just because he walked through that door.

This is so true.

And if you feel any judgement from him, remind yourself that you are a good person without H's approval, and you're fabulous whether or he wants to treat you that way or not.

Yeah!! Thanks Sheila!

I think it's a good thing that you put your rings back on....You should be proud that you're not letting him drag you into silly games

Exactly.

H is home as of 7:05 last night. He called me a couple times during layovers and was quite chatty. I got ticked off at the airport though b/c he wanted me to carry a bag that was too heavy for me so that he could put S5 on his shoulders. Now, how can I say no? He hasn't seen the kids in days and S5 wants on Daddy's shoulders for crying out loud. I was quite irritated and told him it was heavy and he didn't offer to take it back. So, that wasn't a very warm greeting for the Hausfrau. Whatever.

In order to pick him up, I had to switch cars before I picked up the kids.....I think I'm going to tell him there will be no more of that. Not to be bit@hy, but if I'm driving, I'll be driving my truck. I'm quite happy to pick him up and drop him off and do any other favors he needs. But I'll no longer be going out of my way to make sure I'm in the vehicle he needs me to be in. He can make other arrangements if he wants from now on.

[NYsurvivor]

Thank you for taking the time to help me think of ways to make this situation easier on me.

Just a thought comes to mind. If he were in a relationship with someone else, chances are, being who he is, he'd pretty much behave the same way as he has with you throughout your life together. So, the question becomes, even if you were to find ways to cope with your circumstances that made it "easier" on you, why would you want to be in a relationship with this kind of man?

[HoldenC]

A PFA or Protection From Abuse order is an order from a judge that declares that he shall be arrested if he comes within such and such distance of you. I don't know the ins and outs but your L does and I know there is a temporary PFA that you can get immediately without waiting for a hearing or whatever. Hands around the neck sounds like a threat to your safety. That's abuse in my book. Physical abuse and threat of physical abuse is illegal and unacceptable behavior in ANY RELATIONSHIP. I hate to think of this guy being free to come to your 'new' home and taking your kids to care for them. Then who does he throttle?

He needs help. And he won't ask for it directly. The only way he will accept it is if he has motivation. I think the law will help you give him that motivation. Your life and the life of your children and the lives of anyone who depends on you and the lives of anyone who depends on him will be affected if not threatened by his unaddressed unacceptable behavior.

Don't your kids deserve to be raised by their own living mother?

Holden

[NYsurvivor]

I got ticked off at the airport though b/c he wanted me to carry a bag that was too heavy for me so that he could put S5 on his shoulders. Now, how can I say no?

Take your tongue and press it behind your teeth while making an "nnnnn" sound, then open your mouth and vocalize an "ouu" sound. That may work.

Actually it wasn't too bad for him to have a moment with S5, but I don't see why you had to carry the bag. Those two events aren't related! You all could've stopped walking for a moment, he could've picked up S5, hugged him, kissed him, then put him down and picked up the bag. Certainly after you told him how heavy the bag was for you he could've taken it from that point.

What kind of affection did he show you? Where's the consideration for you?

What are you to him... just the maid-servant sex partner?

[heatherg]

If he were in a relationship with someone else, chances are, being who he is, he'd pretty much behave the same way as he has with you throughout your life together.

And every time I started to get a jealous thought in my little pea brain, I would make myself remember this. You are right and I know it. Too bad the next person that gets involved with him won't know it.

even if you were to find ways to cope with your circumstances that made it "easier" on you, why would you want to be in a relationship with this kind of man?

I don't. Somedays I have hope that things will 'get better', but for the most part the reason I am here is independent of my R with H.

A PFA or Protection From Abuse order is an order from a judge that declares that he shall be arrested if he comes within such and such distance of you.

Most definitely if anything of that nature ever occurs again. I am not tolerating that again.

Actually it wasn't too bad for him to have a moment with S5, but I don't see why you had to carry the bag.

Ah, let me clarify. H and the kids had already exchanged hugs and kisses and in fact, gifts. They even sat down on the floor and opened their gifts. So, H already had many moments with the kids. On the way to baggage claim is when I needed to carry his duffel bag so that he could put S5 on his shoulders. The strap was really long and the stupid thing kept hitting me in the back of the legs...all the while I was also carrying D2. Whatever, I'm over it.

In fact, not only am I over it, but I'm on to the next bigger and better thing, as my H abandoned me at the mall tonight. I'm too tired to go on about it tonight, just suffice it to say it was a disagreement about the holiday pictures for the kids. Ugh. I'll post more tomorrow, I'm not trying to be cryptic.

Thanks all.

[hopefloats7]

((((heatherg))))

Are you ok? He left you at the mall? With the kids? I hope you got home all right.
Just know I'm thinking about you. I guess you are ok if you are posting tonight.