How supportive is a person really being if they are willing to wait around for someone who is now involved with someone else?
In my professional practice, I often speak to the spouses of people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. In EVERY single case, where the "healthy" spouse is wondering how to support a loved one who is struggling to find their way, I always ask them this:
"What are you willing to accept for YOU in your life? What do you believe are your own personal standards, and what are your actions actually demonstrating you will accept?"
Today, no matter what I may have ever said to my WAW about this in the past, the fact is, I most certainly am NOT willing to have someone in my life who wants to have someone else instead of me.
That's the hard and bottom line for me and right now everything else sounds like so much wishing and waiting.
Right now I'm thinking F*** her I'm moving on. And, I'm thinking God it is so hard to be objective right now. It is so hard to be neutral about it all. And I teach this stuff on a daily basis!
Thanks a lot, God, You're a real joker sometimes.
Since it feels so impossible to be neutral and objective in my own sitch, I guess my question is, how can we tell when our "unconditional love and support" is actually doing more harm than good?
Please. Help me understand this from the outside looking in.
Michael, I don't have time to do your question justice right now but I will get back here when get the chance. I suspect most people will need some time to think this thru, so don't be surprised if you don't get a bunch of reactions right away.
A little food for thought for now...obviously you wouldn't want her back if you didn't see some change in her that convinced you this would be very unlikely to occur again. What would you need to see? Was she especially vulnerable because of conditions you could help change? Is this her way of dealing with some problem in her life?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Thank You Burgbud, for seeing through to the truth.
Yes, I am hurting. Yes, I am looking to regain my dignity and self-respect. And yes, I am looking to finally get my feet back upon solid ground. And Yes. I still want my wife and family. Now more than ever.
I am just no longer willing to compromise my values or lower my standards for myself in order to achieve it.
I view this as a test for myself. At the beginning of that now-dead relationship with my old WAW who I will now refer to as my new friend R, I once compromised my loosely-defined values in order to experience pleasure with her. That soon lead to tremendous pain, suffering and instability in our lives.
Now, older, wiser, stronger, I have the opportunity to finally stand up for the things that I truly believe in. In short, to see what I am made of and dwell in the truth of my own happiness, rather than search for it anywhere or with anyone outside myself.
Yours is an EXCELLENT question. Now I need to take some time to think about giving your question the full attention it deserves, and will also add more to this thread later.
I am just no longer willing to compromise my values or lower my standards for myself in order to achieve it. I view this as a test for myself.
I feel empathy for you Michael. I have struggled with the question of being a man of my word and staying w/my W in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health (whether that sickness was physical or emotional) and not enabling her affair, by not letting go and letting her experience the consequences of her actions, by protecting D's from WAW's selfishness.
I've recently come to the decision that for Christmas this year, my last "gift" to my W will be to grant the D that she wants. The oddest gift I ever gave to her. I'm dropping the rope, and letting go. Her A is not my problem anymore, it never really was, I just thought it was.
In the end, you have to be the guy who looks in the mirror every morning and be satisfied with what your seeing.
I struggle with this very thing! My h has left and has outright told me he wants to be with someone else. And after reading through a lot of these threads, I find that my marriage was really pretty good. So, do I take the stance that it's temporary insanity? I don't know. So many people have asked me if I would take him back. What are they seeing/assuming that I'm not? I think you do need to ask yourself what changes you would have to see in your WAW (oops, friend). I think for everyone the answer to that is different. How long has this A been going on? My h's has been long term but has only been exposed for 2 1/2 months. I think the exposure time makes a difference.(?) I don't know...maybe when you get to the end of your rope take a deep breath and then add another month on to your tolerance deadline. I wish I knew. Hang in there. Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Although I am one of those spouses who is wishing & waiting as you put it, I totally understand where you are coming from. Don't think I haven't thought long and hard about my own moral values and how I wonder if my H. can respect ME if he knows I am waiting this out a while, to see if he'll come back. It came down to me saying to myself that if I filed for a divorce right now, I would feel absolutely no better at all. I would only go from being married to being divorced on paper. My heart would feel the same. So, I'm not ready, but you clearly are, and if so, then you should throw in the towel and take charge. I admire you for that; you've come to a decision that is right for you, and ends this fiasco.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I will continue to DB for awhile, but with my focus primarily on friendship which is really where I need to be with her anyway.
We have hurt each other so much. I need to get to a place where I am truly happy for me, and truly happy for her, even if she is with another man. She deserves peace as much as I do.
And I'm still considering Burgbud's question. Can't hurt to keep those ideas in the back of my mind if they're not interfering with my GALing
Right now I'm in exactly the frame of mind that I had hoped to cultivate in beginning this thread. Thank you all for your ongoing suuport. God is this site great or what?
Right now I would describe my mental and emotional state as "Balanced Optimism." For me, I think that's the very best place to be for DBing.
BB your question has led me to this:
1. For the first time in the history of our 18 year relationship, I actually heard my NF_R (New Friend + 1st initial of spouse's name = my way of referring to The Partners Formerly Known as WASs) I heard her say that if she can hold the positive's in the front of her mind rather than just looking at all the negatives, then she'll feel we are moving in a good direction.
God for so long I have been trying to get her to... oh never mind shut up Michael you big pushy know-it all.
So that's a really good thing. I'm already seeing HUGE turnarounds in her behavior that I could have just as easily missed if I had been self-absorbed in pity.
Way to go, Michael! WOO HOO! Personal high-5!
2. The other great thing, BB, is that your question inspired me to keep on reading and studying, and there right in the front of that other DBing bible, the 5LL, I found, and I'm paraphrasing here:
"If I could find a way to fill her emotional love tank, could the marriage be reborn?"
I believe the answer to that for me is undoubtedly a resounding YES!!!
And I also have to say that, at least in my own humble opinion, is there any man on this planet who can understand and fill her emotional tanks more overflowing with Love than I?
Seems to me like you answered your own post. I am not familiar with your situation, but reading your posts, you have just done a total 180 on your way of thinking.
So to me that is why you would keep DBing. (sorry, I don't mean to sound like a smart ar$e ~ that is not my intention). It is just as an outsider reading your posts for the first time, I was amazed at the change from post one to your last one.
I think that is a great thing. God is this site great or what? It is. The people are just priceless.
