I'm sorry your first foray into the dating world did not go as you would have hoped. But hey, you had a great practice run, right? Way to go, dude! And just look at the growth you exhibited in the whole thing! You were still able to make it a very valuable learning experience for yourself, and for her as well, I'm sure.
There's a new competition on the bb tonight -- who gets to make #1 on M's new thread! I hear there's big money in it too!
Thanks for posting Lisa, Busting and Kevin. Merrick, a ballgame in March sounds great! Keep me posted.
I went out for a beer with 2 neighbor buddies yesterday eve, and was surprised at their personal stories. We were there to show support for the older 63yo buddy, who is splitting up with his W for the 3rd time. I had previously thought they had split up and reconciled only once, but it had been twice. The younger 35 yo had an XW who kept starting internet affairs and left him 3 times, finally leaving him to marry an OM out of state. He survived a tough custody battle, but still mourns seeing 1 daughter infrequently, as she lives with her Mom. He noted that when his XW asked him to take her back yet again, he said no.
Why this pessimistic post? What am I taking away from this? I think one's happiness depends on a lot of things, but a large part of it is oneself and one's efforts to shape a life that promotes happiness. These fellows are both great guys I count as friends, but they used a good part of their lives trying to force success with women who weren't willing to meet them halfway or even part way, in the long run. As a result, they fell into self-neglecting patterns that left them resentful, bitter, and struggling, at least for some time.
Importantly, both took their XW's back despite an absence of any real evidence of growth in the WAW. I don't think I could do that with my XW. At least I hope I don't, if ever presented that dilemma. I respect myself too much now for that, and I've seen the damage that an unhappy, unchanging person can do to me and S6 when allowed that access and power.
I've learned so much from so many of you regarding unconditional love and forgiveness. I need to draft a way to allow that to be provided - to XW and to any new woman - in a continuous manner, some manner of being vulnerable to love in a way that doesn't undercut my self-respect and self-care. I need that, and S6 depends on me to do that. And maybe he'll see it and repeat it in his life if I show him how to do it well.
Quote: I need to draft a way to allow that to be provided - to XW and to any new woman - in a continuous manner, some manner of being vulnerable to love in a way that doesn't undercut my self-respect and self-care. I need that, and S6 depends on me to do that. And maybe he'll see it and repeat it in his life if I show him how to do it well.
Who you callin' Super Dad? Next time you and your Jedi have settled the light sabre duel and are peacefully resting, ask him, the real authority, who's a Super Dad.
Thanks for sharing this story of your friends and what it shows you. It helps.
Thanks,
K P.S. I sent Kevin the photo of the three of us from Vegas. Told him I'm the good looking one, so he might ask which is you.
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: Importantly, both took their XW's back despite an absence of any real evidence of growth in the WAW. I don't think I could do that with my XW. At least I hope I don't, if ever presented that dilemma. I respect myself too much now for that, and I've seen the damage that an unhappy, unchanging person can do to me and S6 when allowed that access and power.
Very interesting. Was there any growth from the LBS either...or were they the same person that was left behind? Yours is the wise move, don't let her back in your life until she's sorted out her issues, but if presented with a request to try again with your XW tomorrow would you forget this? Would you kick her to the curb and say "maybe when you have got your life figured out"? I wonder how easy it is to truly look with a critical eye at someone you once loved and not be willing to give them another shot. There is the possibility, you know, that through your example, understanding, guidance, what-have-you, that positive changes could occur even while trying again, rather than waiting for someone that has perfected herself to come along. Isn't that what DB is about...effecting change in others through your own behavior and changes? I imagine under normal circumstances if you took someone back, both husband and wife would fall quickly back into the old patterns and doom the marriage again. I suspect that you wouldn't easily fall prey to that. But does the person you next decide to form a relationship with also have to have the level of Zen you do, or can they be given the chance to grow as a result of your positive influence?
I'm not saying that you can find someone that clearly has major issues and fix them, just that all the requirements might not have to be there.
Just my thoughts for the day.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Those are great questions. I didn't know either man well enough at those times to say, but my take is that neither was doing any solid amount of effort at personal change. The younger man focused on work and income to recoup financially, the older on his career and community work. Both neglected themselves physically, and as a result - in part, both still give off a semi-depressed pessimistic flavor.
I find myself worrying about becoming a poster boy for D, with people looking at me and thinking "Look how great you're doing now that you pulled the plug on your M!" The reality is that I merely survived the D, and that I still feel at times as if I'm still in that mere survival mode.
JM, you are so right. The WAS can be pulled toward positive change, and there is a powerful different ingredient possible in a new R with the WAS - the LBS's changes. So very true.
I had a great overnight with S6 last night. We canceled our movie plans (thank goodness, or I'd have had to sit thru Narnia yet again) and instead played Bball and then dueled with light sabres.
Our first basketball game took place today. Although I offered to keep S6 til his game (noontime), XW insisted that he be returned to her for 2 hrs. She showed up late with him to the game, and as he was on my starting line-up, this caused some minor problems. I wasn't able to sit and talk with him about the upcoming game, and I could tell that he had a rushed, nervous air about him.
It was a fun time, tho, with plenty of funny moments, like kids heading in the wrong direction, and crazy shots being taken. As a coach, I was allowed to run around with the team, and did a fair share of instructing, reassuring, soothing, and tear-wiping, as these little guys get upset easily. S6 was very polite during the game. When I told him, "S6, when the other team has the ball, I want you to steal it from them" he seemed shocked: "You mean swipe it!?" "That's right, S6. In this game, swiping is just fine." He couldn't do it tho, so we'll be running "swiping" drills next practice. Kids today - so overly polite!
After the game, XW left with S6 without my being able to say goodbye, so I called her cellphone. She answered and started to rip me for not practicing with S6 more, and began to grill me about not taking him to watch college basketball games. I started to follow her down the cheeseless tunnel, defending myself with notes of practices, and his young age, then realized what was happening, and said I had to go.
When she was in school, XW's insane mother would attack her, her teachers, and her coaches whenever XW didn't place/receive 1st or do very well. When I glanced at her twice during the game, she looked like she was being tortured, with a pinched up face and very unhappy look. Meanwhile the other parents were laughing and focused in a relaxed manner on the players. Who knew that my problem parent as a coach would be my XW? Sounds like a poorly written sitcom, doesn't it?
At first I was wishing she wouldn't come, as this kind of stuff taints the experience, but I know that S6 appreciates her presence.
Going over a friends's house for a small get-together for dinner and some guitar playing.
Quote: I think having kids sets one apart developmentally from those that haven't yet had them, or who choose not to. She had been M'd and D'd before, but had a hard time grasping my reality of juggling/prioritizing things for S6. Plus, as a "Dad", I'm somewhat done with trying to be cool or impressive, with partying 1-2x every weekend, staying up til the wee hrs of the morning, just to do so.
I've found that's it's better for me to date guys with kids of their own. It's more difficult from a scheduling standpoint, but they seem to get that being a parent has it's own set of issues.
Quote: Going over a friends's house for a small get-together for dinner and some guitar playing.
I hope you had a good time. I'm about to pick up the guitar again and re-learn it.
Someone ought to send your XW a copy of a Sports Illustrated article (I think it was Spring 2004) about youth sports in America and how so many kids get burned out from their parents' obsessiveness before 12 years old--taking a lifetime of joy out of playing sports. Maybe you should tell her you're signing him up for lacrosse!
The game sounds like a blast. There is something very liberating watching little kids fumble through a game when there isn't much at stake besides having fun. At that age it shouldn't mean much more than an opportunity to have fun and perhaps learn something (or not as they please) about the game.
Quote: Who knew that my problem parent as a coach would be my XW?
I think you probably should have. It probably has more to do with you being out there, having a good time, spending quality time with your son in her sight, and taking care of other kids, than how well your son did in b-ball. I doubt she wanted him to be Michael Jordan so much as she wanted to take the wind from your sails. Just enjoy yourself and don't enter the debate. She's just jealous of you.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Glad to hear you guys got the first game under your belts. It does sound like a fun league. I hope I can get my S6 to decide he'll play even if people do watch!
Thanks, dude,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I hear there's big money in it too!
"That's right, S6. In this game, swiping is just fine." He couldn't do it tho, so we'll be running "swiping" drills next practice. Kids today - so overly polite! 