Its funny that the criteria added seem to reflect the core issues in our separate R's - mine included.
I wonder if we'll be better at noticing and attending to those red flags (e.g., getting out after the 2nd, 3rd date) this time around. I imagine that it'll be hard to overlook the positives to do so.
Update Had another very nice date with Professional Lady. We're set for a kayak adventure early next week.
XW seemed to want to argue on the phone last night. I described our vacation parenting duties as 'equitable' (I arranged the schedule - 3 times to fit our various desires, and the time is split down the middle). She either is overworking again, or has the assumption that I'll watch him most of the semester break, as she became livid and ended up hanging up on me. I had shared that I was dating and was interested in one woman in particular to a mutual friend - a friend she went to lunch with yesterday, so maybe she knows? Not trying to overanalyze (where's Bruce when you need him? ), but I think I did a good job of staying calm, not following her down that cheeseless tunnel (e.g., counting up the days and hours to prove equal watching time), and reassuring myself about my position after she hung up on me. I likely could have validated her discomfort/fatigure more, but I smelled a manipulation coming on (she already had convinced me to give her Christmas Eve/early Christmas morning), and I wasn't going to step into the snare.
Time to go dark. Maybe its not the best time for even a Christmas card? She has not directly given me her address, although it was handed out to everyone at work within a recent co-worker contact info list.
Quote: Maybe its not the best time for even a Christmas card?
Wow! Not even a card? You've got me second guessing myself. I bought a gift. I would at least ask your son what he'd like to get his mom.
As for the fight. In my experience, the X gets these expectations that for some reason you are still supposed to fulfill for them and the only way they know how to respond is with anger. It's that part of the divorce that they just don't seem to get the hang of.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: As for the fight. In my experience, the X gets these expectations that for some reason you are still supposed to fulfill for them and the only way they know how to respond is with anger.
Wes is hitting a nail head on this. I've seen this myself having previously experienced divorce. Come to think of it, I think this was the source of a lot of SO's anger last fall right around my move-time. I wasn't meeting his expectations of being rigid or whiney or whatever (not sure what his expectations were, but I wasn't engaging in any more arguing with him). I recall that his anger escalated quite a bit when I responded in unexpected ways.
Great job not taking the bait.
The way things have been with your XW, I would agree with your decision to go dark, and not even a card from you. But do take your S shopping for Mommy.
It was a one-sided expression of exasperation, and it felt good to not get into that unproductive back-n-forth.
I must admit that I did feel frustrated, as I was interpreting it as stemming from the same resentment, hypocrisy, and unforgiveness that I had seen in the latter years of our M. Your interpretation of my merely not fitting her expectations is a good alternative that leaves me feeling less "stuck" in the past, and better able to stay present and future oriented. Thank you!
Will do - regarding S6's gift for his mommy.
Merry Christmas, fellow DBers! Merry Christmas, Divorced but not Done Forum! Merry Christmas, you old Savings and Loan! <Gabe in his best Jimmy Stewart voice>
As perfectly exemplified in the arrival of the Christ child to the world, hope springs eternal and illuminates a very bright future, even in the darkest of hours. May this new year find each of us with bountiful peace and happiness.
Merry Christmas to you and your son. May God give you peace and happiness in your future.
I wonder if we'll be better at noticing and attending to those red flags (e.g., getting out after the 2nd, 3rd date) this time around. I imagine that it'll be hard to overlook the positives to do so.
Well it must be nice to have had a second or third date. Some of us poor souls haven't found the first date.
I do agree with you though, when I think back on several relationships including my marriage, I should have listened to my intuitions. I remember after dating XW for a couple of months I had a hunch she might have cheated on me. To this day I don't know if she did then, but she made up for it later if she didn't. When I was younger I didn't pay any attention to things like compulisve buying habits or tossing money in a gambling machine. Now I will live without a R and SL, unless I find a "normal?" lady.
Just wanted to wish you and all here a Merry Christmas!
You too jdd, but the way..... it doesn't have to be a foreign accent, some of the Texan or southern women have it too. Accents have been a special bonus. I'm on the west coast so don't hear it too much.
Quote: As perfectly exemplified in the arrival of the Christ child to the world, hope springs eternal and illuminates a very bright future, even in the darkest of hours. May this new year find each of us with bountiful peace and happiness.
You've been bringing hope to a lot of people since you've been posting here, friend. Your advice and your example have helped me many times.
Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Thanks for posting, Steve (hey Buddy, long time no hear!), Jay, Koshka, and Merrick!
Hope everyone had a nice Christmas. I made sure that I did. Christmas Eve was spent enjoying a traditional Cajun meal with friends - wow, do they know how to use spices! My prilosec was overrun within an hour after the meal, and I didn't have a single piece of antacid meds in the house, with no hope to find a drugstore open Christmas Eve, and no desire to be out on the roads with all the drunks weaving about in their cars. 3 of my 4 grandparents were killed by drunk drivers, so I'm a bit wary of the odds - my family seems to attract them like moths to a flame. Anyway, I jumped online and found a natural remedy of bananas and chamomile tea, wolfed down 2 bananas and drank a tall mug of tea, and waala! - it worked! Within 45 min, I was burping happily and the burning sensation was gone.
At transfer, XW gave me a few items that S6 made, but there was a simmering of anger about her, and no eye contact that I could see. Seems to be her way when her parents are about, with her transforming to a friendlier self within hrs after they leave. Not trying to influence that anymore, just staying as positive as I can - for myself.
S6 and I played most of the day, putting together Lego sets in front of the cozy fire, wrestling, snuggling, watching cartoons. At bedtime, he said "I get to sleep with you on special days and today is Christmas. Hurray!" I groaned to myself, b/c he sleeps like a tornado, tossing and turning. We have a running joke that I find a big bedbug (him) in my bed in the morning if he's snuck in there at some point in the early morn, with me saying "Hey, there's a bedbug in my bed! How'd you get in here!" Anyway, we had a great Christmas.
Mon started off with great promise, as I was to go kayaking with my date(Professional Lady). PL called me concerned about the weather, but was trusting me to make the call whether it was safe or not. How great is that to be trusted by a woman?! I'm not sure I can remember the feeling. I called it off after checking with some watersport sites I trust. It would have been possible, just not necessarily fun for her 1st time, as the water'd have been too choppy.
We're on for a light dinner/movie date tonight (Kong). PL's a very busy, and socially booked lady. I'd expect no less from someone as attractive and accomplished as her. Without bashing my city, I told her that I was surprised to meet such a cosmopolitan woman here. Maybe SF or NY, but here? In my youth, I'd be threatened by her level of qualities. Today, I'm either very laissez-faire about women or I'm just confident in myself. I think she was burned in her M, and is a bit shy about intimacy. On my part, going very slow fits my needs to a 'T'.
I'm not minimizing the qualities of my XW. We shared humble blue-collar-type roots, and I was (and still am) very proud of our ability to climb the academic and career ladders, past many a silver-spooned colleague. Yet, at such great personal cost. I love XW's expressiveness. The very characteristic that could wound me deeply, as when she would lash out at me, could be very loving and soothing when positive. She has a 'raw' toughness and youthful exuberance that could also be course and immature, while PL has a polished discipline, is very cultured and mature, yet is much more muted and cautious. Funny how any characteristic used to describe a person can be perceived in positive and negative ways by the observer. Michelle Weiner-Davis writes about this in DR when she describes the traits that are grating on the nerves now, but that we once fell in love with.
I noticed that I didn't mope yesterday when our outing didn't happen. I just took down the boats from my truck, threw on my old sweats, started a fire in the fireplace, and wrote all day, taking occasional breaks to practice guitar. It was a very enjoyable day - all by myself.
Even with some periodic setbacks, I guess I'm proving to myself that these DBing changes (GAL work, stoking one's PMA, etc...) do work, and that taking responsibility for one's situation rather than blaming external things, can be a very freeing, empowering situation.
Update This final week in 2005 has gone pretty well. Looking back on the year, I'm amazed at what my sitch has thrown at me and how I'm still standing.
Today, S6 and I went to a new very posh/big downtown library. He enjoyed the children's section, and then we ventured off to the zoo. We ate an early supper in a zoo cafe, and I recalled us eating there together about 1 year ago, and how moping and down I was. Today, we were laughing and joking, and I wasn't noticing all the intact loving couples. For the first time in about 1 month, S6 mentioned the possibility of our family getting "back together." I merely kissed his head, and told him that we'd be just fine.
I feel whole while alone. Not completely happy, by any means, but whole.
I posted about a neighbor who reconciled with his XW ~6 yrs ago, but seemed to do so with her b/c they were both lonely, rather than b/c of any joint growth, etc... Well, today he told me that they are splitting up again. I strongly suspect MOS behaviors. They both seem a bit depressed, and he drinks a bit much. Anyway, it made me think about what I truly want for the remainder of my life.
XW seems jealous/angry. There are other explanations, but she seems to be focusing on me more. She told my brother's wife that I've lost interest in S6 (even lied about how much time I'm spending with him to her) and that I'm running around with an OW. So a mutual FF told her about Professional Lady, and the veneer of "I don't care" has a crack on it. Today, she seemed to turn a corner and called in a friendly manner to note how she's taking care of an insurance issue for me (I let it go to VM, but I plan to thank her).
The date with PL went well, but not exceptional. She's a very social person and on this date, seemed quite happy to keep things superficial. On my part, I thought "Be careful what you wish for" as I wanted just that, but find myself also missing intimacy (not just physical intimacy, Lost!). A couple of new/old dating prospects have arisen, and I think I'll pursue them, as I don't want to overfocus on anything or anyone at this time.
Lots of busy focus on S6, working out, spirituality, work and a nice sense of accomplishment have helped me to keep a perspective on this other stuff.
), but I think I did a good job of staying calm, not following her down that cheeseless tunnel (e.g., counting up the days and hours to prove equal watching time), and reassuring myself about my position after she hung up on me. I likely could have validated her discomfort/fatigure more, but I smelled a manipulation coming on (she already had convinced me to give her Christmas Eve/early Christmas morning), and I wasn't going to step into the snare.
