This is my first visit to this forum. My husband and I are in our mid-50s and have been together 30 years, including time we lived together first. For many years we were very happy, but the last couple of years we have had infrequent sex due to overwhelming family and job responsibilities that had been placed on me. Unfortunately I did not take this seriously enough until a few weeks ago, when he told me that he had "fallen in love" with someone else. We have started working on our relationship, I have made some major changes, and communication and sex have dramatically improved lately. But the pull of the other woman is powerful, like an addictive drug, and he cannot give up his relationship with her. Apparently he wants to maintain a relationship with both of us, at least temporarily. He wants to be open and honest about it, but what he wants right now seems to be a sort of ménage a trois in two different households. I appreciate the honesty, which is preferable to the lies, but it’s been very difficult for me emotionally. A few days ago, the “other woman” moved out of her husband’s house. Since then she has been calling him at my house, or using instant messaging or emails, multiple times a day, even if she has spent time with him that day. I sense that if I tell him to stop the relationship with her, it will backfire and he will leave me. If anyone has any experience with this or advice, I would appreciate it.
The standard advice here is to let it go. Insisting that he end the affair will only push him away from you, not her. Read "The Divorce Remedy" and the posts here, you'll find the best way to react.
You cannot make him stop his relationship with her. Your best hope is to make yourself the more attractive option. This involves change, 180s as they say here....New clothes, new hair, work out, new hobbies, new friends, new interests, etc. Coupled with you not nagging about the OW, begging for his attention, crying, and otherwise seeming needy and demanding.
With regards to the OW calling your home, that is where I personally would draw the line (I don't know if this would be the general concensus here). It is one thing to do the divorce busting exercises, it's another to be a doormat...
I told my W that I would not tolerate her chatting on the phone with her lover in my home. She is gone all day and has ample opportunity to speak to him then, I don't need my nose rubbed in her affair....
SAhDaddy, thanks for your reply, your suggestions on dealing with the other relationship, and your thoughts on the issue of the OW calling my house. My fear is that, if I draw the line here, then he might prohibit me from calling him if there is a situation where he is with her and I need to contact him. He is already thinking in terms of putting this affair on an equal footing with our marriage, for example suggesting that maybe Saturday could be her day and Sunday my day. Now that she is moving into an apartment, my fear is that she will demand 50% equal time. But it isn't really equal because there are jobs that we do in our household, not just fun time. So I may need to make that point with him.
I have another question besides that one: If the OW were to break off the relationship, are there any support systems that would help him deal with the loss of that relationship? It really is like stopping an addiction -- there have to be some support systems to help deal with the process. I might as well be thinking about this now, in case we (hopefully) get to that point. Let me know if anyone has suggestions.
My H still refuses to break off the relationship with the OW. But he did say he would discuss with her the incessant phone calls and instant messages.
We finished four “assessment” counseling sessions, but have not scheduled additional sessions, at least for now. In the 4th session, my H told me that his relationship with the OW is very intense, like a drug addiction, but he thinks it goes deeper than that, has lots of potential, and makes him feel incredibly good. So to summarize, he said that his relationship with her takes precedence over his relationship with me, for now, and that he's not sure whether he wants to work on our marriage or not, but that he still loves me and wants always to be my friend, and won't abandon me to deal with household duties all by myself at this point. I have changed my appearance and my behavior, and am now trying to figure out what to do with my life.
At work, I am faced with the prospect of taking a new job that may require lots of travel and high-stress face-to-face with a client, or possibly losing my job. I think one more stressor might just be enough to break me, because right now I’m responsible for significant caregiving activity, in addition to these marital problems. The therapist did say that he thought I should figure out what my own needs are, and start doing things that fill them. I have been doing nothing but trying to meet the needs of others for the past several years.
So if anyone has more suggestions, please let me know!
My H. has been in a R. with o.w. for over 6 mo. now. He has used the term "addiction" to me when talking to me about her. He was away for 6 weeks on a work related issue; came back, and still felt pulled towards her. He had thought the time away would help him get over it.
In the past few days, we have talked a lot and something has happened in his R. with o.w. that has him telling me he only trusts me, that he doesn't believe she really loves him. (See my thread to read up if you are curious). What I'm saying is that by DB'ing and just trying to be his friend through all of this, he has begun to see that I'm the real thing and she is not. Time might help your situation if you can deal with it. It will be hard but if you feel your marriage is something you want to try to save, then give it a chance.
I know it has helped my situation to validate my H.'s "feeings" for o.w. I do not believe that what he feels for her is true love, but he thinks it is right now, so I have been his friend and listened to him, and not put down his feelings (because to him they are important).
I know you're being put into an impossibly difficult situation. A lot of women would not tolerate this. If you choose not to, that is your decision and certainly would be understandable. If you think it is something that may run its course (your H. and o.w.), then it might be worth sticking around for a while, to see how it goes. Let him know you are there for him as a friend; this became very important in my own situation.
Keep taking care of yourself and try to eat and sleep well. I know how hard this is. -Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks, Hope, for your words of encouragement. These sympathetic posts really mean a lot to me, as there is almost no one that I have been able to talk with about this situation. (Eating and sleeping is the hard part; I’ve lost ten pounds!)
My H. just helped the ow move into her own apartment, and now I’m worried that this is going to make things even worse. Lately he has been more caring towards me, and even told me that he told ow that he is still in love with me. But their R. continues. I am thinking that this might be heading towards a long-term triangular relationship.
She continues to send instant messages when he is with me, sometimes just after he has returned from being with her, a couple of times after we had already gone to bed; one time the instant message asked him to call her, so he had to get out of bed to call. He had thought it must be an “emergency”, but it turned out that she just wanted to talk. He and I had discussed these calls and messages, and he had agreed to talk to the ow about limiting them unless there is some kind of emergency, but I guess the talk has not yet happened, and he says that he would have to turn off his phone and miss all his calls to avoid the IMs. Sometimes when we are driving down the road, his phone sitting on the dashboard starts emitting beeping sounds every 2 minutes, so then he has to read these notes and respond. It makes me crazy. But it also makes me wonder how needy the ow is and how co-dependent is their relationship. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part, because I’m still hoping it will just burn out. But I know he is still thinking it’s the real thing.
Any helpful words of wisdom, or even just sympathy, will be greatly appreciated.
OW sounds terribly dependent on your H for some sort of emotional security...IMHO he will grow tired of it, maybe not right away because he is still addicted to it but eventually that kinda stuff just has got to be irritating...as for how to address it...I know I would. I'll let the experts step in here but my suggestion is that at the very least he is respectful when he is with you and turns the phone off when you are present. She'll probably start flying off the handle if she can't reach him when he does that and he'll have to deal with that...but ow is not of your concern. She's feeling needy because in her eyes she's just left her H and she's scared that she's going to be left alone if your H isn't there for her...I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't throw it in his face...Well I made the sacrifice for you...blah blah...(actually a friend had this happen to her) so be prepared for something like that.
In the meantime, you have him at home...be thankful for that and use that to your advantage. Play up the DBing honey...and as hard as it may be, try not to think of her...think of her as some irritating little tart in high school who has a crush on your BF (because that is exactly how she is acting!). What you do not want to be is confrontational to H and do anything to push him right out the door to be with her.
But I'll let the experts jump in here on advise on how to handle the calls. Changing phone numbers won't do anything since he is still addicted...but at the very least he should turn off the phone. Does she know that he is married and lives at home? Sheesh...I'm such the bad girl, you don't know what fun I would have with ow on the phone....
Sassy is right on the money. I will tell you that about a month ago I had to ask my H. to be respectful of the time that he spends with me and to stop going outside to call o.w. or answer his cell if it's her. He was doing this entirely too much and it was downright rude behavior. He was acting like a child over it. Addiction is definitely what this is.
Anyway, he's been a lot better about it since I asked him (didn't yell or anything, just took a stance). Maybe you need to have this talk with your H. And you are very lucky he is still living with you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Good grief...they have all lost their minds haven't they?
Just like Dave wanting me to talk to Kimmie so we could be friends...You'd really like her, she was a make up artist? You could even hire her? Besides you're such good friends with Robert's GF and his exGF...uh different scenario you dork!! We're not married anymore...and they aren't nut cases like your ow is!!
