Earlier this week I discovered my H had an affair a year ago. It was a particularly bad time in our marriage and I think I can forgive him--the affair burned out after a few months despite her ultimatum pushing him to divorce me. I don't consider myself innocent as I didn't physically cheat but that is only due to lack of opportunity. I thought we had been moving forward this past year but now he wants to move out and eventually get a divorce because we are not "soul mates." He says he still loves me and we are still having sex. I have decided not to let him know I know about the affair as I'm afraid this will only make matters worse. So here is my problem: how do I simultaneously hold in this knowledge and at the same time persuade him our marriage is worth saving. I should mention I have the added problem of his family hating me and actively sabotaging our marriage. I think the most hurtful thing about his affair was the discovery of how excited his mother was about her (they actually called and e-mailed on a regular basis.) I am trying to apply for grad school over the next month but I am not able to do this as I am too stressed. Despite his affair I am largely to blame and would appreciate any advice.
I think I have most of the non-DB things out of my system. I wrote him a letter and we had a really productive talk about where things were but I didn't deal well with the fact that he didn't budge in his decision that we are not right for each other (cried a lot which didn't help and he said that's one reason he goes out drinking to stay away from home.) I erased the Og's (real women don't steal husbands, only girls) number from his cell phone. I told him I was going to do whatever it took to fix our marriage. I begged him to stay.
Now I am working on setting my DB goals:
1) I will not call him during the day to ask when he will be coming home (he usually leaves for work around 8 a.m. and then he goes for drinks with coworkers and I don't see him until midnight.)
2) I will not bother him about his drinking/smoking too much.
3) I will try to play nice with his mother.
4) I will not try to snuggle with him in bed unless he initiates.
5) I will agree that we should begin planning to live apart.
6) I will not cry in front of him.
7) I will not tell him I love him unless he tells me first.
I suppose I've known for a long time that I need to get him back to pursuing me (you want what you can't have.) Our marriage was in a serious rut and I guess I had a bit of a MLC and stopped taking care of him.
SS, I'm sorry you've had to come to this board but you will meet (?) some great people who have awesome advice. I'd suggest checking out Kim Down Under's posts as well as Horse Lover's and Kismet's posts. They are great DBers. KDU and her S are starting to piece things together and we just heard great news from Horse Lover. Kismet, is an awesome DBer who has turned tragedy into strength. Thanks for the kudos on my thread however don't be optimistic for me yet. Good luck and post often.
One of the things I've realized in reading what's been posted is I'm going to have to be patient. And strong.
I was always the strong one in the relationship and I think he took that for granted. When I hit 30 I had a bit of an early MLC and am now having to rebuild my strength. I sometimes wonder if that's why he pulled away, because he saw me as weak. I try not to think about it because it makes me so angry. We promised good and bad times and I've been there for his worst but he couldn't be there for mine? It sucks. He is supposed to be my best friend.
He wants me to move out and I told him I would move out in the beginning of Jan if he stays with me instead of going to see his family for Christmas. He's going to be away on business for the beginning of Dec and I don't know how I'll cope not seeing him a whole month.
I know many of you have been living apart for a while now and I don't know how you do it. I'm very worried about whether things will go downhill once he's on his own. Or is this a good idea to give him what he wants: space.
Yesterday I resisted calling him at work and he actually came home at 10:30 p.m instead of midnight. Then when I didn't pay attention to him he basically dragged me to bed. I've decided there's no reason not to keep having sex as long as he initiates--it was always one of the strengths of our relationship.
I will not call him again today (hard for me not to as I work from home as a writer and am alone most of the day) and I will cook dinner for myself and not worry whether he will be coming home. One of the hardest times of day for me is wondering when he will come home and how drunk he will be. Not to mention who he has been with as he is now carrying condoms in his briefcase. Thankfully he hasn't used any of them though this does not mean he's not cheating again.
I'm worried I'm going to break down and admit I know about his affair. Any thoughts on how to prevent myself from doing this. Or, is it bad for me to keep this in?
Well, my goals for today. Go to the gym, Spend my day working on writing without thinking about him too much.
Have you bought any of Michele's books yet? If not, do so now. It sounds like your backing off is already having an effect so keep it up. Now about your moving out.... why do you have to be the one to move out? If he doesn't want to live with you that's his decision but he should be the one to leave not you. Keep validating everything he's feeling (I call this eating crow, swallowing bile, and then listening and understanding where they are coming from). If he says your marriage has always been horrible, tell him you understand how he feels and understand why he's saying that- even if you don't yet. This will get better for you but it takes a long time. I'm not there yet.
Well initially when he said he wanted me to move out I told him to go to hell. If he wanted to end our M (6 years in Oct, 8 yrs together) I said he could leave. But, I've realized that if I leave I am in control. It also means I know where he is and have access. It means that he is farther away from his office and from bars which he must leave at a certain time to catch the last train.
So even though I am against us living separately and am terrified, I'm going to be brave and hope he will realize what he's losing.
Yesterday I again didn't call him at work and he finally called at around 10 p.m. to say he was coming home. I guess this is progress. When he came home I made sure I was busy reading and didn't ignore him, but wasn't attentive. He asked me how my day was and if I was sad and tired. I said no, and asked if he was sad and tired. He said no too, but I could tell from his eyes that he was lying.
We briefly discussed Christmas and he asked if we could talk about it the next day, today, I said no I had plans. He said Thursday then and I said I had plans then too. So I guess my GAL is throwing him.
This morning I got up and made myself tea. My H is a Brit and I think he's physically unable to not make me tea in the morning. Even when we've not been speaking otherwise he still makes me tea. Usually I get up and start working at our computer at 6 a.m. and he gets up an hour later. He was surprised to see I already had tea in hand.
Before he left for work, he actually said. "You seem to have done a complete reversal."
All good progress but I need to keep reminding myself that these things take time. And, just because he is paying more attention to me doesn't mean anything long term. Last year our M came back from the brink and here we are again.
It's just so hard to keep DBing when all I want to do is grab him and give him a big hug. Watched him scoop the kitty litter this am and though man is he cute. Oh well.
And yes regarding the books. I bought DB last summer when we initially started having problems and it worked but then I guess I stopped and we fell back into our rut.
So my 180 seems to be working. BUT, I am already starting to crack. My H seems so sad by my withdrawal from him. I know he's been a jerk, but I can't stand to see him sad.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
How can I keep up my 180 when it seems to be hurting him?
In addition to DBing, I've been using a few Feng Shui cures -- pink sheets for passion, heavy rocks in the bathroom to weight down bad energy, photos in bedroom of H and me. (Yes I am superstitious too.) He asked me if I was trying to make him cry by leaving the photos out (they're wedding photos and they've been out all week so I don't know why he suddenly just asked me about them.)
Advice, humor, nasty comments? Anyone have any suggestions here to keep myself strong with the 180?
Sometimes as hard as it is honey, they have to feel the pain to get to a better place...also to make change. I know this from seeing Dave the other day...he's been in an extreme amount of pain, you could just see it and hear it. Trying to make things look great, when truly they weren't...but if you coddle them (ask Chuck the DBC), enable them, rescue them, then they have no experience of the pain and work through it themselves. They have to make their own choices, decisions...hard as it is and especially for me since he is drinking a great deal these days...depression leads to drinking leads to depression...evil circle.
Someone on another site told me that I needed to be a lighthouse...showing them the way home...so very true, so very true.
Just concentrate on you...you have control over yourself. Be happy, be someone that they want to be with...misery loves company, so you don't want to be miserable...be attractive by your happiness.
I think it would be good if all of us kept one of those electric candles lit in the window, as a little beacon of love showing them the way home again.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I don't know why, but hope's suggestion of a candle in the window made me cry. Guess I am just emotional today...its gonna be a great weekend (sarcasm)!
