I find myself humbled by the reality of the choice between health/positivity and giving up/despair. Life is a very long road, and it can be overwhelming to think about staying on the right path, even if alone and without someone you love. Try to keep moving along, regardless, staying in the present, just one foot after the other.
Gabriel, I am doing what you said and just putting one foot in front of the other right now. I did listen to your advice and apply it. I needed the reminder.
JDD-Thanks, I do have a greater sense of peace. I hope you do too.
Right now, I still haven't spoken to ex. I have pulled out a lot of John Gray books and am trying to apply them to my sitch. Ex had to take care of paperwork for me. I saw that he did it, but he never called me once it was finished. I just knew he did when everything was finalized. I emailed ex and thanked him (showing appreciation). I then tried to let him know that I trusted him with handling his addiction on his own. (showing trust). I then tried to express that I accepted him just the way he is and will always care about him no matter what. (showing acceptance)
I reading more of the Men and Mars book and boy does that stuff hit home. The part about the man going to his cave is so weird. I save all the emails ex sends me. A few days might have gone by before he would email, and they always started off with, "sorry I took so long to email. I just have a lot to deal with right now." It is textbook scenarios.
Presently, I keep trying to imagine him in his cave working through his problems and trying to fix them on his own. This helps a lot. We will see, and I will keep you all posted.
Reminder for the guys: Women want to feel cared for (do little romantic type things to show this) Women want understanding (validate when they speak) Women want respect (Gabriel, this includes not digging through their computer and invading their privacy)
Their are other things that Gray lists in his first book, but in a second book I got he lists these as the top three. I think it is easier to focus in on these in the beginning so you don't get confused.
Great post! You're turning into another wise Venusian. As IAChild (formerly Wllowwlk) posts less often, that's great for the forum to have your perspective.
Thanks for the reminders. BTW, why that dated one about computer snooping? Did you just get caught up on my old threads? XW does seem to respond positively to the small things. I still work those in, like leaving her some very dark imported chocolates that I know she loves in her work mailbox. No note, and just because. Maybe she tosses them in the garbage the moment she gets them, maybe she snarfs them down with glee. Regardless, she knows I remember her.
OK, ex responded. He liked getting my email and sent me a very detailed one. It had lots of details about his day-to-day life.
He responded well to my thank yous and appreciation of him. I could tell it made him happy.
He also started the email off with, “sorry it took so long to respond. I’ve just had a lot of problems.” That “cave” thing is true. No doubt that I should wait things out if he seems distant. This info is a huge light bulb moment. I just hope I can put this info in my long-term memory. It is so easy to forget this stuff. I always want to fix, change and cling to him, but I can’t do that.
Ever since we have gotten along better, he does a lot of reminiscing about the past. He did that in this email too. He saw family and told me that they said hello. His extended family members know we still talk. I am sure they think he is crazy. He told me how he was reminiscing with them!
Things have been this way for awhile. He always goes on and on about how much he loves me. I worked really hard to make this happen, and I do acknowledge how far I have come. He used to hate me so much……DBing, forgiving him, learning ways new ways to communicate with him, Alanon and books on how to heal painful relationships is what helped me. This man hated my guts for 9 months (I am sure longer but this is when he started acting on it) and it took an additional year of learning and applying new skills to get where I am today. I have made a lot of mistakes on the way and am still making mistakes.
Ex seemed to respond to my showing of trust too. I think this is where I need to do the most work. I have made a lot of progress. However, I think this is where I have made most of my mistakes over the last year. If I could really hone in on this, I think it would make a huge difference. For the most part, I have tried to make him feel that I trust him. I have improved drastically in this arena. Nevertheless, it was the comment I made every two weeks or even only once a month that probably upset him. He always knew deep down that I didn't trust him completely with his sobriety and even his commitment and love for me. Dropping the rope on his addiction will make a huge difference.
Furthermore, not calling him and continuing to give him space so he can get his life under control will make him feel trusted even more. This also helps me to GAL and realize that he chooses to not get sober that I will be OK without him in my life. It is a win-win situation for both of us.
He also responds well to acceptance. I got this down awhile ago. However, in the beginning, I didn’t do this at all. In Gray’s book it talks about how women feel that there are always ways to improve the husband. He says that this makes men feel unaccepted. I tried to change this a lot. He responded very well to this. In fact, in the card he sent me for Valentines, he mentions that we make a good couple because “we accept each other’s differences”. WOW!
Now for my response to his email………
I was going to wait a few days and play hard to get and mysterious. Instead I decided to respond right away. I read in Mars and Venus that women tend to punish men when they come out of their caves. I didn’t want to do that. I kept it light and upbeat and just tried to convey appreciation, trust, acceptance and encouragement.
I added encouragement for this reason……Ex will go on and on about his daily problems. He will say don’t worry about me and then give me this whole list of things that make me worry. Why does he do this?????? Any ideas men? Encouragement is listed in Gray’s book at the bottom of the list. It says not to give advice so I didn’t. I tried validating mixed in with a little bit of encouragement.
He probably won’t respond for awhile, and I actually hope he doesn’t. I think our time apart is good for both of us.
Thanks, Sam
Gabriel……..I must have a good memory. I just remember you snooping on wife’s computer and things taking a bad turn after that. I guess I have been ready these boards for way too long.
Quote: I tried validating mixed in with a little bit of encouragement.
This sounds perfect, Sam.
Not sure why he's complaining so much - likely merely venting. Excellent idea not to try to fix his sitch. Yet he also needs to adjust to your not being there for him to vent at daily.
I wouldn't answer the phone or emails daily, Sam. Titrate your support, letting him to slowly learn how to stand on his own 2 feet and to develop new social support. He keeps falling when he's dependent on you, so that didn't work. You're on the right path regarding your R with him.
How are you doing solo? What are you doing for fun, growth, reenergizing during this space?
You do have a good memory. Mine is horrible, so I appreciate the reminder and the caution. The note about respect is huge and was her #1 request of me when we split up. The rest is up to her. Sorry about the thread hijack there - back to Sam!
Sam, sounds like you are doing good. You know, for a moment I thought your xH and mine are similar - but the difference is that you FEEL he is being sincere. He may still have his addiction, but you could tell that he wanted reconciliation b/c he wanted to be with you, not b/c he wanted to use you.
I think the space between you and xH is a healthy boundary. You both know what needs to be done before you can get back together. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the posts Gabriel and Hoping. As of today, I have not had any communication with ex. It is kind of nice actually. I am busy getting in shape. I just bought a new CD player and CD and am heading to the gym now. It is really, really nice outside too.
I don't know what ex is doing. I hope that God is helping him get to a place where he can find some peace in his life.
I have worked really hard at being a good role model for ex. That is really the best thing I could have done. It is also the only thing I could have done.
I did my best--that is for sure. It is out of my hands now. Whatever the outcome, I feel it is meant to be.
Thanks everyone for the kind words and thoughts. I'll keep you posted.....Sam
