Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[amd]

((((WCW))))

At the risk of stating the obivous, this totally sucks. I'm so, so sorry.

Aynesr has good points here about Mars and Venus and about how this is affecting you. The fact that you are reacting so physically makes me ask: Have you thought about seeing your doctor? Maybe some antidepressants would help right now? I don't know what to say except that I'm thinking of you. Be gentle with yourself.

[Becca1975]

(((WCW))) maybe there is a full moon or something right now that has us all in this bad place.

Has he expressed enough of a committment that he would try to stop YOU if you tried to leave? If you said "you know what buddy, i'm not having it. I think OW is still in your life and you give me none of you at all, I'm just not gonna have it. See ya." or something to that effect. Would it be a wakeup call for him? I'm the last person to give advice right now because I can't even listen to my own advice on what i know i need to do.

[WCW]

Thank you friends. I read Mars/Venus a long time ago. I know H/men and me/women think very differently, he and I both are very aware of that fact, as well as that we are originally from different parts of the country where words or phrases have different meanings. We've even joked about quite a lot of it.

My physical reactions seems to be my marriage monitor. I know that whenever my gut reacts so bad, that it means something bad is about to or just did happen. I don't always know what already happened until much later, but when I put the pieces together it fits with my gut reaction. Last night H got home very late, my gut was telling me he was up to something no good that will have a bad effect on me. I don't know what.....yet.

Has he expressed enough of a committment that he would try to stop YOU if you tried to leave?
I did tell H last spring that I was going to leave and go to my sisters for a while, I recall that was the last time he initiated a hug and said if anyone was leaving he would. I just said if he was leaving I was anyway because he couldn't just walk out and dump everything on me. I also think his reasons to leave rather than me is so that I don't go to my family and need a place to stay (no one knows of all this), if I leave and he stays he has no excuse to tell everyone I kicked him out and he can go to OW for a place to stay, at this point we need each other financially (I need him to help me with bills, he needs me to help with bills so he can keep playing). Along with those lines, last December I told H that if he was going to have two women in his life I would not be one of them. He got mad, packed up and left at 3am, I just sat and watched. I was gone for the day, it was family cookie day, and he ended up coming there - to my moms - and then followed me home, and stayed.

What really hurts and makes me so upset and angry is that he is now closing me out of our life at home also. Things this week - the fences, the gravel, the land renter, the injured horse, the appointments he sets up for people to come when he won't even be home and I have to deal with - there is no reason that he should not make me aware of what WE need to do at OUR place. I will address this new problem sometime this weekend. Even if he wants me out of his life, he can't ignore that we have joint decisions to make about day to day living, and that affects the future.

I just don't know. Maybe he's just waiting for me to set boundaries and tell him he cannot continue this type of treatment of me. I will not continue to allow him to have this type control over me. Maybe he's waiting for me to stand up for myself and be the confident respected person I used to be. I know that what's been going on the last couple months hasn't been working, and I need to do something different. I'll find out if standing up for ME is a good different.

[_A]

WCW,

Just an alternative view of his actions lately. I wonder if perhaps the gravel etc...that's him easing back into his committment to the farm and your business. And perhaps re-committment to his marriage is in the future but he's just not ready for it yet. Maybe this is a baby step?

Just a thought.

I also agree with the others though...it seems that you've been taking things badly lately. I hope that you can work your way through this dip and get to a place where you are happy, strong, and comfortable again.

[WCW]

ZenMan, how are you? Yes, thanks for pointing out what may be a positive. He can recommitt but not ready for me too? Are you serious or being hopeful and grasping at straws?
He's just been way distant, but then I did chase him away. Time and patience, I know. But at the same time he needs to understand a difference too. That what he does at home is OUR business and I am part of that, and even though what he does when he drives out the driveway is still my business - his secrets are his life to deal with. Which reminds me - when I was at the library the other night I got a book, When Your Lover is a Liar. I have to make time to read.

[_A]

ZenMan, how are you? Yes, thanks for pointing out what may be a positive. He can recommitt but not ready for me too? Are you serious or being hopeful and grasping at straws?

Remember your Love Languages? Some people are into physical affection and some are into acts of service. You've said that he is very much into having things under control and you've also said that he might be having some male confidence/MLC kinds of issues. As a guy, I know that there were tough times with my XW where I took solace, and even enjoyment, out of "getting things under control" as a way of expressing love even though I wasn't ready to *say* anything or give a hug or have sex or etc etc etc.

Might be grabbing at straws...I really don't know. But, from my perspective, you *might* be seeing some "acts of service".

I guess that is something that has been mulling around in my head a bit too...what do you think about the possibility that you guys don't share common love languages? I know you've had a bewildering time trying to bring him back to you emotionally. Maybe you aren't pushing the right buttons?

Just something to think about. Perhaps worth playing around with a bit. Then again, it might just be one of those situations where there's not a lot you can do but wait so don't beat yourself up over all of it.

[NNP1965]

WCW, I can feel how much pain you are in over this. I honestly think AZen might be on to something though. Some of the things your H has done lately could be easing back in to things.

I do understand what you mean about those gut feelings though. I pray that this time your gut might be telling you something different.