Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

[aynesr]

This is a man crying for attention, needing to be needed, feeling low about him. Yet when I try I run up against a brick wall. And the last few weeks, when I’ve been feeling the exact same way, we went sour.

WCW, as I understand from your post, when you were not proactively communicating with H, he called you, sent text messages to you, etc. It seems to me that while I do not suggest for you to 'go dark' (and I know how difficult to do so when you live at the same house), if you back off a bit, he may reach out to you. In my humble opinion, WCW.

I can so much identify with you. It is hard to 'hit the wall'; every time we try to connect, just to feel rejected. But, you are such a strong woman, WCW. With a patience and love that you show to him every day, I am sure he will wake up and be back to you. I really think so.

[Phoenix_spark]

I got busy replying to your last post on my thread, which I probably should have put here. Check it out.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1007522&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1

Hopefully things are going well for you this evening.

[WCW]

Hi Anesyr, yes H did initiate contact more when I did not make contact and he knew I would not be home at night. Going dark living in the same house is tough. I think what I need to do most is remember that I have to always mix it up, don't give him anything that he can predict from me. Whether that is a naked hug, showing up on the road to ow's house, leaving on a last minute trip, or being a happy morning person, I can't get caught in ruts. I know that, I forgot it for a while. Next time I am stuck would someone just slap me out of it? that's what friends are for, right?

So far this evening is going okay. Packers on are Monday night football, and doing well! I took some ME time and went for a ride tonight, rode out and checked the harvest progess in the corn fields. It was well after dark, H was not home, and I couldn't stop thoughts of him out looking for somewhere else to be living. I was getting physically ill. I got back to the yard and started chores, and a little later in between barns I saw lights on in the house and H's truck in the driveway. Whew! at least he is home. He eventually came up and started working on something, and after a while I wandered over by him, gave a cheerful hi. He was assembling a new tank heater for a water tub, seems there were some problems last week that he is still taking care of. We got to talking about the electrical runs and cords and breakers, etc. Funny thought ran thru my mind and I could hardly keep the smile off my face, just last week H was at ow's giving electrical advice to her, here we are at home with electrical problems that are still problems. Irony at it's best? Anyway, we had good interaction, H even offered that his cell phone died today and he has a loaner phone while his is being fixed. So that explains his late arrival home, (cell phone store, farm store) plus he brought home and made some yummy soup for us. You know what else I just realized? We walked down the hill to the house side by side. Not touching, but side by side.

Ah yes, the night is still young. I'm sure I can screw something up without hardly trying. Are these baby steps and positive progress? or side steps to distract from the secrets and lies. PMA! where are you going! get back here! PRONTO!!!

[Phoenix_spark]

Give your baby steps credit. A positive attitude helps things out tremedously. How would you have looked at your walk if you would have just met, should give you a better perspective?

[WCW]

Packers lost. Me too. H laid down on the couch, I worked on computer stuff a while longer, then laid on the floor in front of the heater. Heard H snoring, just a few minutes left of the game, I went to bed and watched them lose and heard H up and moving about as soon as I was out of the room. Can't help but feel like he was avoiding me, but I'm also sure he was tired from the extra burden of things while I was gone last week in addition to the early mornings for hunting all weekend. This morning he looked like crapola, I wonder if I should have told him that, and mentioned if he wanted to sleep in a real bed he was welcome in ours.

Which brings me to this line of thinking. Thanksgiving Eve is a big anniversary event for us. It is the start of what H refers to as 'the best month of our relationship'. He had taken a month off of his job and came to spend it with me. We lived 1700 miles apart during the time we were 'dating' with only ocassional physical visits. We spent the month without a care in the world except for each other, we were our priority, every minute was the best. We have mentioned this month on and off, and we both know that life can't always be that way. BUT - do I mention it? do I dare suggust that we try and spend the next month just like we did all those years ago? Recreate some those feelings, or at least try? I just can't help but feel like I am missing some big 'thing' that I can use to melt my H, and let him start feeling again. Is this a chance?

I did forward H an email from my mom reminding everone about Thanksgiving Dinner at noon. He didn't acknowledge, but I didn't expect it.

[_A]

WCW,

You mentioned that your H has said some things that make you think he is questioning his self-worth a bit. Perhaps just a touch of MLC. I'm a bit too young for MLC but I had a period like that leading up to my divorce. I was unhappy, stressed, burned-out and consequently felt like crap about myself. When my W *asked* for hugs and affection and such I couldn't give them to her because I was, admittedly this is self-centered, just so down in the dumps that I didn't feel like I was worthy to give or receive affection.

My W tried...I really think she did...but I was so down that it didn't matter and this was one of her love languages. Perhaps if she had tried longer. But anyway...

Let me make a suggestion...

Rather than asking for hugs and affection, why not just take it! Bounce up to him, give him a big hug and a kiss, and then run off to do whatever you were going to do. Keep doing that. Even if he kinda pulls away, keep doing it. Say nice things about him...just like about the driving thing that you mentioned before. Pump him up; show him that you love him even if he is being a stubborn turd...that he is *worthy* of your love whether he believe it or not.

Now, if your H really is having a crisis and he is anything like me, expect that he *will* pull away, maybe even quite forcefully, at first. Like I said, if he is dealing with issues similar to what I had, he doesn't feel *worthy* of the affection and, at first, it will make him feel bad believe it or not. But, if you are persistent, eventually you will catch him on a good day...a day where he *wants* to open up to the affection...and that little bit of sunshine...

I understand how you might feel like this is a burden you shouldn't have to take on. To appear happy, chipper, and full of affection all of the time and not be allowed to be down or to need. Especially with the stress of your financial/business situation. Your comments about his reaction to your *taking* affection in front of his buddies (the capacino(sp) story)...I think he might be vulnerable to this kind of thing.

What do I know? But with your "best month" coming up and if you are right about him feeling not so great about himself...all I can tell you is that if my XW had done some of the things I mentioned above and been stubborn about it rather than running to someone else, well, I think it might have worked out for us. I needed my a** kicked with a little positive energy. Perhaps that is what your H needs too? Might be worth a try?

[WCW]

Thanks for chiming in ZenMan. Your ideas are ALWAYS welcome. Hugs and affection - I do try and take it, but very often H positions himself such that it is not possible without asking him to get up off the couch,etc.....so depending on the specifics I have to ask. I should have better timing, and yes! bounce up, hug, bounce away. A few times I've done that and had much better response. Thanks for the reminder! Persist without being a pest?

But - I may have pushed it too far and am now a pest. I had to run out and do errands for work, so I called H to run my idea past him, to make the next month special, to ask him to work with me and give it a try. I told him I was hanging way out on a limb and don't get out the chain saw and cut me down. When I got done talking, there was silence, and he said he didn't know what I expected him to say. I asked him to at least consider my suggestion. At least I didn't get his usual - I don't know if I can. I also tried again to explain how I felt during the summer of 2003, when H would initiate and I rejected him, I said I didn't know exactly how to explain it...H interrupted 'that's how you felt, it's how you feel.' I said you're right about how I FELT, but it's not how I FEEL now. I said we had just taken on a big financial responsibility, and he interupted again 'but what about the month before that and the years before that.' So I am thinking, I don't mind the interuptions, I am glad at least he is talking and expressing his thoughts. I said we've talked about that and both know we were so busy and tired we fell into bed, we acknowledged that, and I'm sorry that he just remembers the bad. He just said yeah. Somewhere in all of that I also said he told me he was keeping his eye out for a place to move, and how close are you to that? He said he didn't know. What I do know is that if he said it once it could very well be a reality that is going to hit me like a brick. Or, H is such a procrastinator that he will never follow thru on it. I just don't know which direction applies in this case. I switched the subject, and said we also have to make decisions about things coming up/past due - breeding the cows, renting out the land again, making fence. We need to talk. He was at his next appointment and had to go.

So, I feel okay right now. I feel like we NEED to have some talks about the direction of our lives. I know, it's all bad DB'ing, but this 'anniversary' is a chance I had to take to make a drive at something positive. It may backfire bigtime, but last year during the holidays I kept thinking it was our last together and we wouldn't make it to the next one, and I wish I didn't have that hanging on my shoulders thru another year. At least not how it's been for over two years now. It's also been suggested I 'go dark', withdraw from H. I did that two years ago, we spent months coexisting in the same house, full of tension, H picking fights over what to feed a horse, everything I did was wrong. I left him alone, we didn't hug, we didn't touch, we didn't talk, we didn't make plans. At the time I did not know about his EA/PA with OW and that was where his attention was directed.

I also need to vent! I told H that he was part of the best part of my life (included a sexual referral), and I wasn't ready to throw that all away and give up on our future. He mentioned again our lack of physical sex over the years. You know what? I am exasperated and tired of him constantly throwing that in my face! We did NOT have a bad sex life, and if he wants to just keep thinking negative and complaining and cramming it down my throat I might just throw it back at him. How about foreplay? how about ME? how about something more than 2 minutes before he falls off and goes to sleep? What about the times I wanted more than a quickie just for his gratification? what about ME ME ME!!!!!???????

So back to your suggestion, ZenMan. I hope I created positive energy, a positive suggestion, and I only had this chance to try it because the anniversary starts tomorrow. Definitely a kick in the a$$, can't deny that!

[WCW]

Having a blue day, weather doesn't help much. And I started my day at work by getting a guy not only fired but locked up. Geez, I feel bad, emailed H about it. Don't know why I did, I'm sure he doesn't care or if he even saw the email, he hasn't asked and I haven't shared much of my job stuff anymore. He used to be real proud of me and my position, another change of the times.

Actually I started my day with high hopes 'cause I heard H come in the bathroom while I was in the shower.........nope, he left again. But later while walking by H at the kitchen table, I brushed his arm and said good morning, got a grumble back. He was in the shower as I was leaving, and I couldn't find my truck keys, which he used last night. I about died on an overpass with the little gas saver car last week, and with roads being bad today I was taking some security. I had to ask, he poked his head out of the shower, and said check his left front pocket, and watched while I found them, and he said sorry, I said no problem. I wonder what was in his other pockets?

Last night he played with his new replacement phone after he made a special trip to town to get it activated. I was SO close to asking if I could ride along and we could grab something to eat in town, we rarely do that, but I chickened out. I should have went, while he was gone in my truck and his was parked at home - I snooped. Dumb.

I also missed an opportunity for him to help me, I blew it. He had removed the stock tank heaters for whatever reason, and I had to go inside and ask what was up with them. Then I went and restrung the cords and put them all in, done and went in the house. A few minutes later H asked if we had tank heaters to put in yet.......no, I did that.......oh(with surprise in his voice). Dang!! I blew it! Guess I'm good and consistent at something - screwing everything up.

I so want to run away and not go home until everything is okay again. Thanksgiving has always been my most favorite holiday.

[WCW]

What a fun night this turned out to be, but sure not like I expected it!
First off, as I was leaving work, my old high school friend was lurking so we pulled into a parking lot and yacked a few minutes. He finds me quite often, but I just don't trust the whole deal. He and wife have been divorced a couple years, and we were all good friends way back when. He probably was my best friend for a while, but when I got married he dropped out of sight. I didn't even know he was divorced until last year about this time, I almost ran into him in a parking lot and we caught up on 12 years. Of course I was having a horrible day and when he asked how I was I burst into tears. Man I hate that about me. Now he always wants to hold my hand or give me a hug, I feel like he wants more than I can offer, just a friend. But I sure could use a good friend.

So I get home later than normal, and the lady coming to ride just about beats me in the driveway, but we ride and are just finishing when H pops into the barn. We all chat a few minutes, she leaves, H said we have an invitation from some friends to meet them in town for dinner, I have to hurry and do chores. Wahooo! a night on the town! plus we have to stop at the local farm store to get another tank heater (electrical problems, still blowing breakers, my H the electrical consultant to OW but can't/won't fix our own stuff).

So off to town, in my truck because H's is so full that only the driver will fit, and we pick up our stuff (I grabbed a few other things we needed, H was buying!) and check out. This tank heater is for farm use so they don't charge sales tax, but the clerk always asks. "Is this for farm use?" yes, it is. Then I looked at her and said 'no, we're going to use it in our bath tub'. She said 'really?' I busted out laughing. Sorry if you don't see the humor, but it is funny for us farmy folks.

Off to meet our friends for dinner. We get to talking about horses and people, and sure enough - OW's name pops into the conversation - NOT by me but by the other couple. Oh wow, my H starts getting red faced, and I play along so good with the conversation. The other guy starts talking about the price she paid for her place, her XH and the business they run, the new run in shed she's putting up.... I looked at H and asked, "Is that the shed you're consulting with the electrical work?" H said yeah, and stuffed his mouth full. The other guy says, "your doing her electric work?" with an amazed tone to his voice. (H is NOT an electrical guy) So H has to fill him in on stuff, about how he's helping her figure out where to put outlets and plugs. (I am thinking -RUN A DAMM EXTENSION CORD!) And the conversation dwells a little longer on OW and then moves on to a new topic. Oh so fun! After all, H said OW doesn't have to be a wedge between us, so there should be no harm in talking about her during dinner with friends, right?

We drive home, I make light talk about anything. The neighbors lights are on and H wants to stop but doesn't say why. He gets out and asks if I'm coming, so I do. Are we still putting up the good appearance front? We have a nice visit with the neighbors, H talks hunting with the lady's son while I talk to the lady, and we're having a good laughing time and pretty soon we notice quiet around us, and the guys are listening to our talk, guess they got bored. Ah well, time to go home.

And here I am, giving a little better update than the last few. Maybe someone will pop in and say hi again? It feels good just to let it go and laugh, and I did that tonight. I need mega doses of that.

H says he's going hunting in the morning, be out before day light, it will be cold and windy. I'll be snuggled in my warm bed. Hope he plans on doing the morning chores like he is supposed too! And if it's plenty cold maybe he'll be back home in time to go with me to my folks for Thanksgiving Dinner. If not, his loss.

Hope everyone reading has a wonderful Thanksgiving! Don't forget what it's all about, giving thanks for the good things.

[Becca1975]

Boy it sure sounds like a step in the right direction!

One major thing I'm giving thanks for this Thanksgiving is Michele, this board and all the people on it. Without all this, I'd still be struggling to keep my head above water.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving WCW and I hope your H comes home in time!