I'd like to 2nd what everyone else has said...you have to take care of yourself.
It's hard to say from the outside but it seems an awful lot like your H has you on a string and he knows it. He knows that you won't give up on him and he takes that for granted. It might even make his leaning toward the OW easier. But I also understand your conflict: when you pursue affection you tip your hand and give him power; when you don't you are, in his head, cold and depriving him in some way. Damned if you do; damned if you don't.
But then that is where I also agree with what others have said. This isn't about you and it seems like nothing you do will bring him around. You shouldn't be nasty to him but is it time to do your own version of WAW? Just start putting *your* needs first and include him when/if he show signs of committment to his marriage? Personally, and I'm clearly overstepping my bounds, I think he is being a selfish, childish, wishy-washy d*ckhead. If life is *so* bad with you, and I doubt that it is, then a real man would flat out leave instead of jerking you around and taking advantage of you for all of this time. That's really close to abuse if you ask me. Anyway...
...that old nugget about "the only thing that you can control is yourself"...
You've said before that when you detach and start looking out for yourself he starts sniffing around like he is interested again. Maybe you need to start really focusing on detaching again? Even if it is not directly for DBing purposes...even if it is just to make yourself healthy. It seems like you are really struggling lately and even doing the dirty work for him (confrontation, ultimatums, etc.).
As you and the others have suggested, please get back on the DBing bandwagon and start thinking about how you can help *yourself* with some GALs and 180s. I'm sure that we all want you to be happy and, from my perspective, it looks like you are wasting your time trying to convice him of anything right now and only making yourself crazy.
You are really a tough person, even though I'm sure you prefer not to have to be, and are an inspiration to the people on the board for whom the DBing process is either slow or stalled. If we can learn anything from your patience and fortitude then we are all much better people.
Take care of yourself, WCW. I hope you have a really great time on your trip.
Hi ZenMan, it's so good to hear from you. Still busy, Mr King of GAL?
He's got me on not just a string, but a string on a yoyo! You are not overstepping any boundaries, I have the same thoughts you expressed, and it's actually good to hear some one else say it . Maybe I'm not nuts. He has been jerking me around emotionally (embarassed to say physically too), I've called him on it, and yes, have thought of it as abuse. We got a junk mail flyer almost two years ago from People Against a Violent Environment. It had a checklist that showed abusive situations, I checked off what applied. H ended up seeing it and was VERY upset that I had done that, that I felt he abused me. Sorry, anesyr if you read this, I know how you feel, sorry. So then he told me I abused him too. titfortat, evensteven.
I asked H why he is still here, he didn't have an answer. At least not one that he could present to me. I think he loves me, but I don't think he WANTS to love me. I think he wants fun and adventure, started looking and got sucked in, and shuck the responsibilities that have accumulated during our marriage. He's never been in such a stable (no pun intended) environment, he's always jumped around house to house and job to job. Now he's been in the same place over 10 years and self employed for almost 7. Those are records for him. Does that make sense? is that possible?
Arrangements are made for my trip, 16 hours to countdown. I did call H to let him know I would be leaving tomorrow, and I also said if he preferred I could arrange to be gone tonight before he gets home but he would have to let me know (my voice barely quivered). I also needed an answer about some supplies that he wanted but we missed the deadline last time and didn't get any, and I needed to hear from him before I left work today to make arrangements. So he called back, said make arrangements for the supplies, talked about the cold weather and it would be nice to go someplace where it is warm. I asked where is that? he said where you are going. I said there was room if he wanted to go too, and instead of just NO he said he had appts he could not miss, etc. I expected a NO, I didn't expect any thing else to come with it. Silence, and though I should have said gotta go and ended the call, I let him struggle, being in my call to him there was two questions for him to answer and he only answered one. He couldn't bring it up, and I didn't either. He finally said he had to get busy again, and said guess I'll see ya later, bye.
I hope this trip for me will be a good opportunity for detachment. I also hope that I don't spend the whole time crying in front of my friends. That would be awful! Next week starts the holiday season, more difficult times ahead. Do you know it costs $9 to have a name removed from a phone account? Step one, checked off.
Thanks again Z, once I'm on my way I think it will be fun. Gotta get over the hurdle first.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: H ended up seeing it and was VERY upset that I had done that, that I felt he abused me. Sorry, anesyr if you read this, I know how you feel, sorry.
Of course I read your posting, dear, I do! And no need to feel sorry. Look, I by myself didn't always treat my W in the most respectful way, so this is only reason I didn't say what AZenMan said.
You are such a good person, WCW, so I have no doubt that your H sees and knows that. So, why does he behave in a way he does?
Well, I am asking this question about myself as well. My W is awesome person, I dearly loved and love her, and yet I said what I said. I think your H does have a problem. He is not able to admit in it, and uses you as his 'Tylenol'. He knows that you always will be there for him.
I do not feel comfortable to advice, as you know, I screwed up my M quite well, but I in addition to taking care for yourself, I would try to leave him alone for awhile. I know it could backfire, i.e. he may think you do not care about him, but I think this may show him that you are not in his 'pocket', and you are not always available for him. I would give him a shot.
Please have a great and relaxing trip. You deserve it so much.
My latest life Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm - Winston Churchill
I hope you have a wonderful trip.. you deserve it! Your strength with your sitch continues to amaze me. I hope you'll spend your time away relaxing, laughing and putting H out of your mind for a bit. It seems like you need a break from so much that's going on and dragging you down.
Thanks for sharing your sitch so openly. After reading your thread I got a copy of Love Must Be Tough and it's helping so much with my sitch... so thanks for sharing that!
You're a great lady and I just wish you so much peace and happiness as you continue to fight for your M.
Wow, now I know why I don’t watch much TV. Got home with basically enough time to change clothes and head out for the riding lesson with the enthusiastic girl. While I was pulling on my boots I flipped the TV on, it was Dr Phil taking the wedding ring off a crying woman and he was saying 25 years of deceit, 25 years of lies and manipulation, 25 years of abuse, and now you have one minute of peace, do you think you are worth it? Oh man, I had to get out of the house. So I finish outside tonight, it is cold and rainy and wet and the hole in my boots let the rain and mud (and other stuff) seep into my socks. Ick! H comes home and helps me finish up.
Wow again! We’re both in the house very early tonight, I have a slight moment of panic wondering what in the heck are we gonna do all night? Flip the tv on again, it’s CMA on tv. Anyone watch that? The radio is on all day at work, and it’s become filler noise at this point, but there’s an occasional song I really listen too. Tonight the TV is full of country music. Oh my, was everyone singing to ME? Seemed like it, every song had a special message just for me and H. Alan Jackson did a remake of “you look wonderful tonight”. I never knew that song until H and I were dating and he played it for me, wow, tears well up, I glance at H, he’s being stonefaced. Martina McBride did a remake of Kris Kristofferson (isn’t he great?) Help me Make it thru the Night. Elton John and Dolly Parton (is that a pair?) sang ‘if everythings been said I’m going back to bed, turn the lights out when you leave.’ H made a snack for both of us, I said thanks, he even collected the dishes and washed them, I said thanks again. Just a few other light comments back and forth a few times. Thanks Opti, I’m using your techniques you posted from your coaching session – I’ll call it the dash and pass method.
Wow a 3rd time, I’m packed, bills made out to put in the mail, I am ready. So ready. I wish I could have spent the night snuggled on the couch next to H, sharing a bowl of popcorn on this cold wet night. I wish we could share the bed, and a hug and offer a kiss when I leave. I wish I could say I love you and be careful, I’ll miss you and already can’t wait to see you again, and he’d say me too. I wish I wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night feeling like he was there with me and then harsh reality is I hear him walking away down the hall. I wish he would just care enough to ask me about this trip. Oh wait! 11pm, I’m in bed, and he asks. What am I driving? Do you think that car will make it? Did I get it serviced? (heck, I haven’t even opened the hood since I got it) Are you driving or flying? I guess he wasn’t listening when he was sitting next to me and these plans were discussed on Sunday with the other folks, so I filled him in a little bit.
Thank you all my dear DB friends. Thank you for your help and support and advice and suggestions and encouragement to send me on my way. By the way, my destination is Oklahoma, and the abbreviation is OK. That’s me. TTFN
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Already I can see that this trip is a good thing. Look at how H is dropping crumbs as soon as your bags are packed. You see! You go on your trip and know that this is different from what you have done so far, so it will probably get different results. H will probably see what he's missing when you let him miss it.
Realizing you are on your trip and out of touch, I wanted to be the first to welcome you back and say I hope you are having (and had) a wonderful and relaxing time. I also hope you have re-established your self esteem which you were letting get away from you. Your comments and suggestions have been intelligent and helpful. You are an insightful person and I hope you re-discover you on this trip. Don't mean to be too harsh on your H, but any individual who cheats on their spouse is a lowlife in my book.
From the discussions on this BB I can tell that I'm older than most of the members. During my long tenure on this earth I have developed a digital attitude - people are either honorable or not worth a pinch of coon sH$t (a phrase I picked up from a Canadia piasan). A guy who had been a friend of mine for 20+ years was married longer than that. His wife had a stroke recently and was struggling to regain her speech and mobility. His reaction was to divorce her and walk away. I'm sorry for his trouble, but what he did was not honorable and we are done. Like I said, I'm digital.
Hope you enjoyed your time away -(((((((WCW)))))))
