The distancing is in full effect. The emails and text messages have stopped. The phone calls now are strictly to speak with our son. She isn't inquiring about my day or the activities we may have been involved in. My questions to her are answered nicely but are very short.
Although frustrating, I have detached enough not to get depressed or overly consumed by it. I would prefer she have enough courage to discuss this change of direction with me but the only way in the past I was able to get her to talk was when I did a temperture check.
I am going to watch a little while longer this time to see what happens. She seems to make it up to the fence with me but can't get to the other side.
After 2 years of divorce and 1 year of indecision on her part. It is becoming more apparent that the probabilities of success are becoming more and more remote. I have been giving it my best effort so she should either want to be onboard or not at this stage.
I wonder if she was around and more affectionate when there was no definite man in her life and that maybe now she has found someone so her interest in you is waning. Nothing much to do but continue forward as always.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You are probably right Just and if so, it would be the same OM she has been dating since the divorce.
She recently called and offered the following. She said she was very confused and wasn't sure what she really wanted. The time spent with me brought back this confused state. She felt she needed to put some distance between us while she sorts things out. She went on to say she needed to work on herself, focusing primarily on her selfishess and her tendency to get upset when things don't go as she wants them to.
So all of the comfort and re-familiarization that we created over the summer can be debated as a good thing or a bad thing. After 2 years, she is still stuck in what appears to be the exact same place. I'm thankful I had 4-wheel drive and pulled out of that mud hole. The ride is alot smoother on pavement. :-)
Jet, Just wanted to check in to see how you are doing. I have been a lurker. You have been at this a little longer than me. My H left 9/04. We were in court 12/05 but papers weren't signed until 06/06, so I guess that was when we were officially divorced. I have always felt that he has given me rays of hope which have kept me holding on. But here we are in 12/07 and I am still hanging on. I can't figure out if I am just stupid for trying to hang in there? I have not dated ... I don't want to because I can't imagin myself with anyone else except my husband. Am I in denial? Wish I knew. Wish God would just hit me over the head and say ... hey, ... it is time to move on. I am so afraid of spending the rest of my life alone. I can't imagine life without my husband. He still seems to seek me out when I try to "stay away" from him. As soon as he contacts me ... my hope is right back. He always wants to talk to me about our daughter. I don't know how to set limits ... but I also hate to ... because of what could be.
It had been agreed upon months ago that my son would spend Christmas at his Mom's this year. A couple of weeks ago when we were discussing specifics, I offered his entire break to her since they see so little of one another meaning our Christmas together will occur January 5th.
I get a phone call Saturday morning saying she and our son have an opportunity to travel 2000 miles to go skiiing. I said great, when? She said leaving December 26th - January 2nd. Of course I was surprised at how sudden this was and inquired how such a trip materialized.
She indicated she had been seeing someone who was very wealthy and he was flying them both to his home for the week. She went on to say they were just friends who had been out a couple of times but she has known him for 4 years. They are in the same business travel circle.
When I paused, she said his house is 9000 square feet so son and I will have our own bedroom which will almost be like being alone. I asked her if I could think about it and get back to her. More on that in a moment.
First, I didn't know she had ended things with the OM that was the key player during our divorce. Secondly, this would explain why she needed distancing from me under the disguise of needing to figure things out. I have been hopeful that as she weened herself away from the emotional connection established with OM, it would open the door for us to move forward. This behavior of starting to date someone new opens my eyes to the fact that our chances have been practically eliminated.
Back to the trip.....I called her Sunday morning only to get voicemail. I explained the trip was not a good idea for our son. Considering she had only dated this guy a couple of times, had never been in his home enviornment.....it would be uncertain what our son would be exposed to. I also expressed that the first time our son was to meet a new man in her life, it was wise she make sure the man would be more of a permanent fixture before doing so. The first time shouldn't be a week long sleepover.
I told her I agreed to the extended visit so she could enjoy some quality time with our son. I suggested the opportunity to travel was a great opportunity for her and if she really wanted to go, our son could come back home early. I mentioned we probably should have discussed this before our son knowing about it but given we didn't I would be the bad guy and tell him he couldn't go. No return call ever made!
I called Monday morning. She asked what I wanted and I told her to discuss my message from the previous day. She indicated she did not receive a message but now was a bad time to discuss it because she was trying to spend quality time with our son. That was pretty funny....indicating she had really got the message.
Later in the afternoon she called and left me a message saying she was going to respect my concerns.....hmmm.....I thought she hadn't heard what they were......and not make the trip. She said she would never put our son in harms way and would not have even considered this trip if she weren't confident he would be safe. She completely ignored the emotional effects it could have posed.
After hearing her message, I texted her a thank you for understanding. I get the following response. "You are a selfish person. I had an opportunity to give our son something he has always wanted and can't now because of you.....Merry Christmas!"
So folks.....two things working here. The new man and what that means if anything.......and did I do the right thing as a father and does it make me selfish?
I think you were right on with your thoughts. The physical and emotional safety of your son is what was important to you and your real concern. Obviously she is viewing your decision with different colored glasses.
I think you made the right decision.
CIAZ M 7/97 S 5/05 D 8/06 Both 33 years old No kids
During the ride home after picking up my son, he asked me why I wouldn't let him go on the ski trip. I explained that his mom did not know this guy very well since they have only been out on a couple of dates. He asked if mommy was dating two men because the BF was at her house everyday and she still kisses him. Hmmmm......I don't know son is the best I could come up with.
The next day my ex called. She said she had figured out that she didn't think she would be happy with me. Keep in mind the work she claimed needing done on herself required distancing from me but obviously not from the BF and the alleged new interest. Not sure what to believe with that now. She said she didn't want to have to plan and cook 80% of the meals. Valid maybe......but is that all she can come up with? I will give her a few more weeks to find some more. :-)
During the ride home after picking up my son, he asked me why I wouldn't let him go on the ski trip. I explained that his mom did not know this guy very well since they have only been out on a couple of dates. He asked if mommy was dating two men because the BF was at her house everyday and she still kisses him. Hmmmm......I don't know son is the best I could come up with.
The next day my ex called. She said she had figured out that she didn't think she would be happy with me. Keep in mind the work she claimed needing done on herself required distancing from me but obviously not from the BF and the alleged new interest. Not sure what to believe with that now. She said she didn't want to have to plan and cook 80% of the meals. Valid maybe......but is that all she can come up with? I will give her a few more weeks to find some more. :-)
I understand your reluctance, but I kind of doubt your motives. You actually are divorced, aren't you? She does have visitation, right? If so, if she wants to go on a trip, that includes seeing some other man, it seems a little controlling to play the guilt card. Maybe I'm not protective enough, but if someone comes into your wife's life and has contact with your son, you can't completely control that. It's going to happen eventually. She will find someone new (especially if you keep appearing selfish) and what will you do then? Or will you keep your son away if she has guys around? I really wonder whether your generosity at letting her have more time with your son is only if she wasn't going to be around other guys. If you had known that OM#1 was in the picture would you have made the offer?
Anyway, it certainly doesn't sound like she's anywhere close to the point of trying again with you. I think she probably said those things to hurt you because of the trip thing.
Last edited by Just_Me; 01/10/0810:02 PM.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I understand your reluctance, but I kind of doubt your motives. You actually are divorced, aren't you? She does have visitation, right? If so, if she wants to go on a trip, that includes seeing some other man, it seems a little controlling to play the guilt card. Maybe I'm not protective enough, but if someone comes into your wife's life and has contact with your son, you can't completely control that. It's going to happen eventually. She will find someone new (especially if you keep appearing selfish) and what will you do then? Or will you keep your son away if she has guys around? I really wonder whether your generosity at letting her have more time with your son is only if she wasn't going to be around other guys. If you had known that OM#1 was in the picture would you have made the offer?
Anyway, it certainly doesn't sound like she's anywhere close to the point of trying again with you. I think she probably said those things to hurt you because of the trip thing.
Just_Me,
I have to disagree with you. Jet DOES have the right to give his opinion on his son meeting one of his wife's boyfriends or male "friends" . I think it can be very problematic when a child meets many different people.
As for what his ex-W does, that is another story... IMHO, she has proven herself...
In the course of my dating over the past year, my son met exactly on person, RH, AFTER we where engaged. I did not even introduce him to my close friend, TM, because I did not want to cause any confusion...
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
