I just thought I would check in and see what is up and take a quick roll call of names and statuses. I don't have much time to read the forum lately because my job and whole world has changed drastically in the past 6 months. My work has forced us to move to new town and I'm so exhausted every night that I don't ever have time to think about these issues etc. I now see where the expression that an "idle mind is the devil's playground" came from.
Anyway, our 12 yr anniversary this weekend and I thought I would pop in to say hi.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
DAVE! Good to see you. If you moved to a new town, I think you are going to have to change your name. Honeypot and I are still here, Corri drops in from time to time, Nopkins is never here, but his wife is, and, sheesh, I can't remember who was around when you left. Mojo/Jenny dropped out and hasn't been around for months.
Are you still biking? How's your relationship going? Is your wife still a hottie?
I'm still here even though my wife and I do it like rabbits, almost every day. That is, we eat salads. Still no improvement on the ML front, but I'm still a glass half-full guy.
My sitch is great. I'm feeling like we are in our 20s again. Our new situation is so fun and new that it's like we started all over again. We are living in a tiny little apartment in a new city...none of the baggage came with. It was a great fresh start. I've now learned that I was creating drama in the marriage to fulfill my need for a life that's more exciting than the daily suburban routine.
A long time ago I came to the conclusion that I didn't have to be her "passenger". Just because she didn't drive in a "fulfilling" direction didn't mean that she wouldn't be fulfilled by a direction that I wanted to drive. So I took the wheel, mixed things up, and now we moved back into a fun relationship again. I need a higher level of stimulation to have fun and her nature allows her to happily follow along. So what the hell? I might as well do what I want to do, ask her to come along and hope she does. And by fun, I'm not really talking about sex...that's almost irrelevant to me these days because being in a "groove" together is more fun...I just didn't realize it before because I was blinded by what seemed to be a hopeless, boring situation.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Great! What has made the biggest difference? What have you changed that she has responded positively to? There are a lot of new folks here that might learn a thing or two.
It's hard to say what was right for me versus others because each marriage is very different in it's dynamic. When I started the process, I desperately wanted to know what the magic bullet was and I came to discover that there isn't one. My W truly doesn't display any sign that she thinks about / or appears to want sex...nothing about that has changed between the day we started to now. Sounds like a big failure right? Wrong. We worked and solved so many issues that it's (by comparison) not a big of deal that she doesn't want sex. She does want "some"...but just not spontaneously enough to initiate. So now I've accepted the fact that I'm responsible for the sex I get.
But I took a moment to ask myself "why do I need her to initiate / pursue me?". I came to the conclusion that it's a sign of personal issues that drove my longing for her pursuit. So I worked on my personal issues.
* Don't predict the future based upon today...don't perceive today based upon the past...live exactly in the moment.
This was the key to the whole thing. Even the other night a part of me was frisky and the act of asking for sex just killed my mood despite her lack-luster disrobing. I started trying to place blame on my W and she said "what would you rather do...bitch and feel bad or focus on the fact that you have a naked woman straddling you right now". These are hard habits to break. Always have faith that your mood can change...it's you choice to have change.
The SSM issue is one that allows you to observe and address everything in the R that *can* be fixed. But the bottom line might be that your spouse simply doesn't dig the sex thing...$hit happens. When I learned to accept it and stopped trying to manipulate her, something interesting happened...I gained a level of self-respect and emotional independence which allowed me to be more like "me" and less like "her". It took a lot of work to do this and I'm still not certain if the average person can simply "flip a switch" to go down this path without a series of dumb moves (like I made). I've learned that her occasional frigidity is no reflection on me or my prowess. Now, I will say that her willingness and responses to my advances *did* change and as a result, the frequency increased.
* Be aware that your high desire to have more sex/attention from your spouse might be coming from something else that you are unaware of.
I was surprised by how much my desire for sex was about relieving the anxiety over my dad dying. I would have never associated the two but now it's obvious that my anxiety was my reaction to grief rather than a normal grieving response.
* The key is that "changing your perceptions changes the reality of things".
You control the influx of thoughts that enter your head. Why let things in that make you feel bad? Why feel bad about the things you let in? Whenever you feel the influx of bad vibes, stop, close your eyes, take about 20 very deep breaths while saying "you aren't welcome in my head". You'll be amazed at the results. Again, much of it has to do with living in the moment and not letting old crap in.
* Wholeheartedly defend the validity of your feelings and never allow anyone to make you feel guilty about them. If your feelings aren't in sync with your spouse, that's not your problem...get over it and give them space to get over it. Don't let your spouse manipulate you into believing that you should be a mind-reader. I hate coffee but my mother in law would always offer it to me. I would get angry because she never seemed to remember that I don't like it. Is "anger" the appropriate response when someone offers you something? Why should she be responsible for remembering my tastes? This ties in with evilness of "assumptions" and the desire to have others be "plugged into" you - that's a "fused" concept where you want others to compensate for your own weaknesses. Just as I should always say "no thank you...that was nice of you to ask", your spouse should do the same when you ask for some LM time....and you should keep on asking as if you can't remember anything about his/her past patterns. Learn to confidently accept the rejection.
* Be ready to accept and work with the reality of the situation...whatever it may be. One of my Cs said that my responsibility to my W is to include her in all 4 areas of *my* life...parenting, household, intimacy, and sex. I emphasized "my" because thats what it comes down to...maintaining your individuality while including your partner in these areas.
Again, there's no "system" to making a horny spouse...it will either happen or it won't. You only have control over yourself, your responses, and your perception of the situation. I no longer write about what's wrong with our situation because I *choose* to only focus on what's right. I live in the moment and expect the same from her. I acknowledge that her feelings are no more valid than mine and I expect the same from her. When it's important, I listen to her and repeat back what I think I heard her say and I expect the same from her.
And if none of this works, feed your spouse a few cocktails.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
