Yoyo, Thank you for your post. What your friend said really gave me pause. Because of this, I'm also realizing that I'm letting false pride get the best of me. I haven't detached at all. You have. I have to let him have pride too. Be strong. Don't push at all, he said he made the choice. Now let's see if he can follow through. You are projecting. Let him think he's making the decision. Be strong.
Yoyo... Giving H the sense of loss is as important too ....
Of course he knows he will lose a lot - and he is just refusing to decide cause he is sort of comfortable with the situation where he is...
I know I am giving you this advice.. and I am having hard time following it up myself..... sense of loss and a bit of jelousy etc etc. and some sense.. and some pressure... it might work...
I read it somewhere - TRW -
1. Tentalize WAS with whatever your best features are - talent.. money...looks..anything.. 2. Reassure them by actions that u wont get too close. 3. Worry WAS that he can lose you.
Another thing that F said was that (about the saving face bit...) H feels that he's been placed up on an altar, and by saying that he has no choice but to come back to the family, is like having a chair to help him down from the altar back to the ground. And I, as the W whose trying to get my H back to the right way, should steady the chair rather than pull it away from him.
I think you are lucky to have a male's point of view about your sitch. I've also wandered if my H was feeling this way...the OW looked up to him like he was some kind of god, as I looked at him as my ordinary, every day husband.
I really don't have much to offer today, just thought I drop by.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
VJ/Flaneur/BLueman/KDU - Thanks for dropping by, guys!
keep acting like you and he are working toward rebuilding your R. VJ - Okay. I will ACT AS-IF this is the case. But I need it to do it in a subtle way as not to PUSH him.
But no more negative comments...like the "i know you hate me" thing VJ - Point taken. No more of this. Will not mention it. My lips are zipped. ...Or rather, my fingers are tied??
I have to let him have pride too. Flaneur - This is very very important to the male ego. I've heard this from sooo many guys. F, for one. My mentor, who is a 54 year old wise engineer. Another wise old guy of 60. Also, I sent a venting email to my mentor (he is currently out of the country) to complain about my H, and guess what?? My mentor said that "rather than complain, why don't you see that he is trying to do the right thing, and rejoice instead? Don't win the battle and lose the war". Basically, don't let our PRIDE stop us from achieving our ultimate GOAL...
Tentalize WAS with whatever your best features are - talent.. money...looks..anything.. /color] Money...don't think so. Will go with the talent and looks bit. Will be going to a function at H's best friend's. Hopefully, friends will let H know that his wife LOOKS DAMN GOOD.... He he he...
the OW looked up to him like he was some kind of god, as I looked at him as my ordinary, every day husband. KDU - Case of NEW R vs one that has been going on for EONs??
Journalling... Thursday: H called me about 6.30 pm. When I picked up, I think I answered in quite an unfriendly voice...(SHUCKS! Bad YOYO)...All H wanted to know was if I've come home safely from my work trip...(had to drive 4 hours home). I felt kinda bad after that, and sent him a text "I am okay. Arrived home at 4 pm. Drove like a mad woman though...think I got caught by the speed cameras. Am out now..Call the boys later, okay?". H replied and told me to let S8 read his email and to set up the MSN Messenger for S8 later. That night, did just that. But S8's typing skill is absolutely non-existent, and H ended up calling the boys. Also, he wrote to S8 that "everything will be ok". Before I went to bed, I sent H a text "Just got home. BOys are over at my mom's since it's already so late. Boys said that you will see them next week. You gonna be back? Btw, you probably don't know this, but next Sun is our actual 9 year anniversary. Anyway, how r you? Really busy at work? As for me, tired...long day. Nite nite...Love, Wifey". Didn't get any reply from H.
Friday: I did send H a text this morning. Me: Am planning to talk to my boss about job prospects in Country X...unless you want me to wait. H: Just talk to him. No harm anyway. Make sure he pays you lots!!! Me: Wow...am only wanting to work part-time, and yet asking for lots of money?? H: Send me a text to let me know after you speak to him. do it in the morning. H: FYI...I'll be in COuntry Y from Sun to Wed.
Boss didn't come in...So I sent H a text. Me: Boss gone golf. Not coming in. Anyway, you will be in Country Y. But Are you coming home? Otherwise, do you want me to bring boys to Country X from 18 to 20 Nov? H: Planning to come home next weekend. If not, you can bring the boys. Let you know by Monday.
So...that's it.....POSITIVES.. * Contact still pleasant * Didn't say NO to the job prospect talk * Didn't say NO on the possible visit to Country X * Did sort out the $$ that I asked-for. * Didn't bring up his "uncertainties" or "choices" or OW
Saturday and Sunday... Very calm sea. Nothing much happened with H. No real contact on Saturday. Texted on some "expense claim" stuff, and he replied that he would find out and let me know.. Tried to call him in the night for the boys to talk to him...and his phone was off. Figured that he would probably be flying into Country Y. Sent him a text "R u flying in tonight instead of tmrw? Pls call boys to talk to them". Half an hour later, my text got delivered and he replied "Just arrived in Country X. Going to sleep now. Am very very drunk."
Sunday AM. I called H. He didn't pick up the phone. So I texted him to call so that boys could talk to him. He did call about 10 minutes later. I let S8 and S5 talk to him. Few text exchanges in the day...and that was it. So, nothing much happened over the weekend.
Okay...things are not so calm now...think things will start stirring now...This morning, I had a long talk with my boss about job prospects in Country X. And the answer was YES. So, I texted H.
Me: Spoke to my boss about job prospects in Country X. A definite yes. They are currently looking for staff, and if I want the job, it'll be mine. Do you want me to bring the boys to Country X for the weekend?Btw, what about this weekend? You will definitely be back or should I bring boys over? Otherwise, it will be ages before the boys get to see you.. H: Will let you know tonight. Otherwise, u can come over... H: Happy to hear abt the job. But we need to talk this weekend. Feel really confuse n crap now. Me: Ok. Hope you are alright. I understand the confusion and the hurt. But hopefully, time will heal... H: Not sure if I can go thru with it. Me: What do you propose then? You know my stand. H: don't know. I'm in meeting now. talk later. Me: ok. Call me tonight. You know that I cannot give up my husband easily so that another woman can have mine, and my kids not have a father. I don't want the boys to grow up in a broken home. I don't want the boys to experience the pain of knowing their father sacrifice them for another woman. The way you are going, I feel like I need to call her up or meet her face to face.
About 5 minutes later, H called. He sounded normal. We had a short chat, ranging from the job scope to boys to OW. (I know that I shouldn't bring her up...but...). Don't think he had the guts to break it up with OW. H of course repeatedly said that I shouldn't call OW. (of course I won't but he's afraid that I would...he he he.... NO, no anger on his part...more of protective fear for OW??) He will sort it out himself. One question that I asked H was "were you hoping that I didn't have a job in Country X?" to which he replied NO. Other parts of our convo were about doing what is best for the boys to which H replied " I know this 9 months ago and it didn't give me the push blah blah blah". I told h that perhaps he should just "give up the two women and be alone, and give up kids and begone away"... He was very adamant that he "wants the kids"... Anyway, our contact though seems dramatically emotional...was NOT. The end of our convo was "need to talk this weekend. Will let you know if I come back or you come over with the kids".....so, not that bad. Overall was calm.
After the convo, I sent H a text "Just want to tell you that I know it is difficult. I know it hurts. I know it will be a challenge to rebuild our marriage. But I also know that it will be worthwhile for us, for the boys, for our family. And yes, for her too. Love, Wifey (p/s maybe you can take me out to somewhere fancy next week. Dying to wear my new plunging neckline dress!!)
I know you guys are probably saying that I am trying to get back my H in the wrong ways...BUT I think this is the only way that I can do now. Leaving him on his own is not getting all of us anywhere... He is just soooo yoyo-ing that I need to give him the little nudge. I guessed the only time that I will re-think this strategy is WHEN I see anger on his part or other dramatic behavioral change. So far, H is quite "normal" in our interactions.
Flaneur - Thanks for dropping by and the reminder to DB, DB, DB...
Think that I am posting again because I am trying to convince myself that the stance that I am taking is the correct one, i.e. of nudging H towards getting the family together. I am trying to do this very subtly and in a DB kind of way (validate his feelings and no anger from me).. I just looked at my horoscope. Guess what..this is what it says.. People want things their own way and if you don't stand up and defend yourself, your way may get lost in the shuffle. If you become passive, say you don't care, and leave all the planning and leadership up to your partner, you may find that gradually your relationship heads toward a place you don't want it to go.
So...this has given me the boost to continue to steer my R with my H to where I want it to be. From what I see, he cannot really make a decision for himself...plus I am not going to give up on this M nor this family. Have been docile for 7 months already and it's not getting anybody anywhere. As H says..he is still as confused as ever. I certainly will not KICK him out of the M. So, I guessed I will have to HELP to KICK OW out of the M. I think many times, H was hoping that I would KICK him out, so that he can be free of guilt. But as I said, that is not something I would do. Neither would he really come right out and say he wants OUT of the M. I know this because whenever the word D came up, I asked "Is that what you want? A D now?" and he would answer "I don't know" or "I didn't say that"... Think that has gone on long enough. H kept on thinking that I am sooooo sophisticated and high and mighty that I will NEVER confront OW. So, I guess I am going to subtly suggest that I want to see OW or talk to her..that will frighten him I guessed... Let's just see...
I am on the roll...just have to remember to KEEP CALM, BE HAPPY, BE PATIENT (not rush to talk when H wants to talk), NO ANGER, VALIDATE .....
