So I ended up going to my sister's for Christmas. Had a good time with family - tension in her house with a husband who drinks too much but overall a nice time, and certainly better than being here by myself all week. Came back Friday before New Year's - they wanted me to stay for New Year's but somehow I wanted to be back here. The week before I got to thinking about "oh no - all alone on New Year's Eve - how pitiful - you should be with your family!!!" and almost changed my plans, but then I got to thinking that my sister and her husband might want to be alone, finally have an empty house before they had to go back to work after having a house full of people all week, and I needed some time to regroup before going back to work myself, and I wanted to go to church, so I came back. Glad I did.
The Friday before I left I finally told my boss I was thinking about leaving so I could move south. It would have been better if it had not come up in the context of him talking to me about my poor job performace! but in any case I feel like a huge weight off my shoulders. We're supposed to talk again about it soon - please pray for me.
Came home today to the cable and internet cut off. XH has been paying it and even if he wanted to I knew that eventually he shouldn't because he doesn't live here anymore. He also pays the phone bill so we'll see.... He's in school so he really shouldn't. It's ridiculous that I make the money I do and can't pay bills like this. I'm using good old dial-up for the internet now (for as long as I can afford that, because the credit card that I use to pay it is about to be canceled! Oh well). I don't get any kind of tv reception so my usual habit of leaving the tv on all night is gone. I've decided to think of that as God forcing me into quietness to hear his voice so I can get a clue about what I'm supposed to be doing for my future.
I am honestly a bit frightened about my financial situation but I really can't stop being thankful for what I do have. I am so thankful for my family and other people who love and support me that I haven't descended into the depths of despair. I'm thankful for my new church. I'm resigned to my credit card being canceled and have let go of the pride associated with that. I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head (as long as I can come up with this month's rent!). I feel so much lighter now that I've put it out there that I won't have to spend another winter up here it's amazing.
I also know that I'm in a better place from reading the inspiration on this board - so many people who show me that you can make it through. I am blessed.
So how pitiful is this -just got off XH's church web page to see if I could get a glimpse of what's going on with him (and her) - I know - sad, sad. That kind of thing sneaks in in between my thoughts about moving far far away and actually getting excited about it. I keep seeing Autin, Texas in my future - I'm able to visualize it, imagine myself there, and it's been so long since I've allowed myself to hope or dream or fantasize anything that I think this might mean something. Do I have a job there? No. Do I know of any jobs there? No. Do I know what I would want to do there? No. But I do know it's closer to my Texas and Georgia relatives, as opposed to being totally alone up here in New Jersey. I hate it here - and yet I could have lived here forever and loved it if it were with him.
But it's not.
I did some useful work last week - this will be a tough one - pray for me. I cleaned, did laundry, deep conditioned hair, paid bill today. Didn't go to church but at least I didn't waste the day totally. I am glad to say that I have a stronger spiritual practice now, a deeper relationship with God, than I did before the BOMB. And....if that's what it took to bring me into clearer focus, then thanks, XH for dumping me for a younger woman after telling me and all your friends what a wonerful wife I was. You're right - it WAS a good thing I couldn't have kids because of the heartbreak they'd be dealing with now. I feel terrible for not trying harder in the ways that I know I failed, and I pray you can forgive me someday - you were right to not want to live that way the rest of your life. I pray I can forgive myself.
Hey! So I feel like I've made some progress here! Sorry to drag you down into my rambling, dear reader. Feels like it might be time to do "the letter" that I've read about...I wonder.
