So I haven't been here in a while......have fallen off, gotten back on several wagons...right now need some advice on a couple of things - take your pick:
1. At work, I fight the urge every day to quit. No, I don't have another job, any savings other than my company's contributions to my retirement, don't know where I'd go except south, where my entire family is now that I no longer have any reason to be up here after following my STBXH here - I just don't want to be here another year - preferably I'd like to be gone by Easter so the reminder of that humiliation won't be so near at least. So I know that I'm not going to be around if I can help it, and I feel guilty not telling my boss. He's also well-connected and could help me perhaps. The other thing is that our company president is retiring and it's between my boss and a big rival of his. I think my boss is the better choice, but there's nothing wrong with the other guy. ANYway, if my boss gets appointed, and then I tell him I'm leaving, don't know where, etc., I don't want it to seem that I'm leaving because of who got picked - and vice versa, if the other guy gets picked, I don't want anyone to think I'm leaving because of that. And I have another colleague who's leaving and he'll have to be looking for her replacement in the office, and knowing I'm on my way out should inform the search, too. So I'm feeling massive guilt - at the core, from just knowing that I don't plan to be around when we talk about "next year, we'll..." So I want to tell him every day. But a friend of mine said I should just be quiet and protect my job, because after all, I'm still not in any position to negotiate given my recent work performance (is there a word for people at work going through a painful divorce? Instead of "rainmaker", "tearmaker" instead? Instead of "rock star", "falling star"?) I'm trying to listen to the universe for signs of what to do...so far they're saying "where you are is wrong" - in September, my boss told me I had to start coming in to the office earlier and on more days of the week. Two weeks after he said that, my train station started building a parking garage, taking 400 spaces out of commission, so now I have to drive 25 extra minutes each way, ride the train 10 extra minutes each way, and pay either $5 more a day for parking in a deck to wander around in at night when I come home or $8 more a day to park in the street level lot, and don't forget the extra $4 on the train ticket for the extra distance.
So at the very least I want to go in this week and ask, at least for the next 3 months, if I can work 2 days a week at home, especially since I have a lot of writing to do. What do you think? And should I say anything about my vague plan to leave? I'm certain that I don't want to be here in another year, just don't know anything beyond that, don't want him to fire me on the spot, but I don't want to feel this guilt anymore....
#2 - I can't stop things said between STBXH and me running through my head. One thing in particular that we both misunderstood was the timing of when I discovered what kinds of message from OW to him - he kept saying at the end of us that I didn't approach him about anything until I'd seen her emails and I told him that wasn't true - but I realize it was. I DID see some of her emails that added to me talking to him about how they might be seen as inappropriate and how that would have to stop if he was serious about being a pastor. But the ones I think he's talking about - that were in other folders and were much moreserious and made clear they were in a relationship - I didn't see those until later. I don't even know why that matters to me...maybe I don't want him to think that it only meant something when I saw how serious it was, that I didn't care enough about him before. I don't know. I'm not supposed to care at this point, right? I almost sent him a message with that clarification tonight, and telling him that he didn't have to respond. This week when I was late going into the city after getting in from the aiport really late I called him to give him a message from my answering machine. When I got home that night he had left in my kitchen my favorite sandwich from a local deli with a note written on the package that said "I love you 2! You sounded sick." I am not proud that I cut that out of the package and have it sitting in my bedroom now.
Today I threw out the orchid he got me. This past Valentine's Day when he was still "deciding" I asked him to get me something for Valentine's Day - I was "as if-ing." He got me an orchid - said he loves orchids and had been meaning to get me one. Well the first one bloomed for a good while then they fell off and I looked them up on the internet and watered and fed them even though it looked dead. He replaced that one a few months ago with another one in bloom and gave me some of the planting "dirt" for transplanting it. I read on the internet that you shouldn't replant them until after a year. So this one has been sitting here, dead looking, while I watered and fed it. But I'm pretty sure it's been dead for a while. I never buy plants - I have whatever the far opposite of a green thumb is and always say that I don't want any more dead plant souls on my conscience. With orchids, I read that you're supposed to water and feed them and care for them while they seem dead sometimes for years in the hope that maybe they'll bloom again. There's something there about our relationship...
I threw the orchid carcass away today.
It's his birthday today. He's down in our hometown with his family - his father has been seriously ill. Used to be that we'd talk on the phone late at night when one of us was down there alone. Hurts to think that he's having those late night talks with someone else now. Hurts to know he's not having them with me. When I last spoke to him I asked him to keep me posted on his father's condition. He said, "Of course - you're family." So I should be - and am - thankful for that. Just painful in the soft parts of me and my memory.
So, thank goodness Thanksgiving is over. Went south to spend it with my sister - a colleague/friend urged me to please not spend it alone. And I'm glad I did. Won't be able to afford another ticket for Christmas, but it looks like I might be able to enjoy time with my new church on that day.
I've been good about not calling XH (no one has filed anything but he's not my H anymore so why bother with the STB). I have wanted to so much - some things going on at my job that I would love to talk with him about, really neat things with this church that I know he'd be interested in. But I haven't called. He called me before I left for Thanksgiving to offer to drive me the hour to the airport, saying he'd understand if it would be too difficult for me to be with him. Then he called the morning I left to see if the train was working out and if I needed a ride after all. And then he called my cell phone the night I got back to see if I wanted a ride home from the airport. Each time I said no, but thank you and it was really really sweet of him to offer. Not taking him up on his offer cost me about an extra hundred dollars in parking and train tickets and almost a full day of travel by trains, but it was the right thing to do, right? And I know I can't trust myself to be all sunny and oh my life is wonderful without you around him and so as much as I long for him the thought of being in a car with him for an hour at a time kills me - good grief this stuff is all so NUTS!!!!! And you know what goes through my mind - what if he was going to ask to come back on the ride to the airport? What if he ran back to OW after I refused his offer? And then I remind myself that I can't function like that. And then I come back to this board although I've sworn off it because clearly I didn't bust any divorce and I need to just get over it.
ANYway....this week I need to work on finding a new therapist - someone who can help me work through decisions about moving, finding a new job, work through my guilt and anxiety, work through the grief in this year of my life that would have been the absolute last chance we had to try to have a baby because of my age.....
Well, off to bed to try to go to sleep again - anxiety about money and work keep me tossing, tears about my M keep me turning....this week I will - go to gym twice - start calling new therapists - ask my boss about a better work schedule for the next 3 months - reach out to one friend to ask for prayers/advice - meet with pastor and new church for prayers/advice
I see very sizable growth in you from your prior posts to the current one. Growth doesn't equal detaching. That is good too, for the current status of your sitch, but instead, I'm talking about your selfcare, self-reliance. I was given Innner Bonding to read by my therapist, and it helped me to carry the self-care work to a deeper level, and helped me to drop the old "shoulds, oughts, musts" that involved trying to get my XW to behave in a loving way.
The reality is that your H may or may not come back. But you're ability take care of yourself serves 2 purposes: 1) It helps you to get on with your life in a healthy manner, and 2) It will demonstrate to your H the quality of woman that you are.
In terms of your work situation, if it's not cutting it for you, isn't this time to search for something better (closer, better pay, hours, etc...)?
Gabriel, thank you for the encouragement. I still need all I can get. I think you're right about work...part of my problem is pride, I think - I think I keep trying to get back to some level of accomplishment before I seriously try to leave, because I'm so embarassed about how poorly I've been doing. I also don't know what I want to do next....
I should be trying to slepp but I had to come in here and write something after the phone call I just got. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS??? And I know I shouldn't be asking - shouldn't focus on him....XH just called to say that the event he went to at his grad school today was wonderful, and that he really missed me sharing in it, that he missed me, that it wasn't the same without me being part of it, and thanks for all I did to help him get there - WTF???? I did NOT say any of the things I was thinking, like, I miss you, too, and if it's not as good without me being part of it then why did you leave me, and did you take OW with you, and WTF are you doing calling me saying such a thing - WTF WTF WTF WHY???
I answered the phone after looking at caller ID thinking he was calling to say he was hoping I was doing okay today since it was my mother's birthday (she died last year) - I think I would have been okay with that sentiment from him - but WHY would he say that instead? He called yesterday to warn me about the potential snow and offer to drive me anywhere my small car wouldn't go - guess he's feeling guilty about moving me up here from the South and then dumping me.
Okay, enough whining. A co-worker's husband just died from an aneurism at 42, leaving 2 children. I need to focus prayer and positive energy toward her, and quit bitching about my relatively tiny issues. Really puts things in perspective...
Those events do put things in perspective, don't they? I'm not sure analyzing why the WAS does what he or she does is productive. Instead, maybe merely stay positive, and keep pushing toward greater self-reliance and growth.
I think pride is thought of as a vice because it interferes with so many wonderful things: love, forgiveness, taking chances, growth, experiencing new things. One of the positives about experiencing such a negative like a S/D is that the virtue of humbleness that one receives makes it so much easier to give up and not be trapped by false pride.
It's a little pitiful but I gotta get my hope where I can: today I went to my neighborhood library where I haven't been in about a year.
Big deal? Yeah, to me. That library is where XH held the first business meetings of the church that he founded this year, where I was so excited to see him finally getting to live his calling. I haven't been able to face going since he left - the memories, the chance I might see a church member. Started going to another branch 30 minutes away. But there was a new release I really wanted to read (and since I'm economizing buying it's out of the question) and it was only at this branch. So I went today and got the book.
There's something momentous there. I guess. I'm sad but I haven't sobbed yet.
On another note - Dilemma: I've already bought a ticket to fly south to spend Christmas with my sister, who really, really wants me to be there and even offered to help pay for the ticket, which they cannot afford to do (I can't afford it either but I bought it anyway). But just found out that my dog walker (kid from down the street) is going to be out of town. I can't pay for boarding for my dog, and I can't afford to hire a professional pet sitter. XH has always offered to take care of the dog if I need. I haven't talked to him in weeks. He's stopped calling to check on me and see how I'm doing. Last time he took care of the dog for me his OW called him during the times that he was here - hurt to see her number on my caller i.d. when I got back - we had a blow up about it - my fault for reacting but I was still fantasizing at that point about coming home from the trip and him coming back to me. At this point, seems like my options are to cancel the trip and pay the ticket penalty but get some credit for a future ticket - disappoint my sister and spend the holiday at home, alone, and absolutely, quite literally broke. OR, ask XH to take care of the dog - call him out of the blue, risk having him say no anyway or having to hear about his plans with his new family.
A good friend reminded me that Christmas is only one day to get through anyway.
Makes me think about the Christmases that I left him alone to spend with my mom and sister in our hometown after we came up here - not every year, a couple - and that he encouraged me to go, refused to come with me, denied that he wanted me to stay when I asked. I guess since my mom died not too long after we did move up here I'm grateful for those times, since she really loved the holidays. But it hurts to think about whether those times I left hurt him. And it hurts to think that maybe he was hoping I'd stay even while he said not to - but then it pisses me off to think that he was "testing" me like that - just like I wonder about the church events (before he started his own) that he went to without me at the church he hated - when I asked him to please tell me if he wanted me to join him at the things he was complaining about going to, asked him to please tell me because I didn't know. I honestly thought he meant it all those times he said "I don't want to be there so I wouldn't make you go, too - but you can come if you want, I don't care."
Okay - this probably isn't productive. Going to go hug the dog now and see if he has any answers...
There is an issue here. The issue is...that being worried about contact is no longer an issue. You have absolutely nothing to lose by asking him....he will hopefully say yes, giving you the opportunity to see your sister or he'll say no in which case you might have to find another dog walking service or perhaps cancel your trip (I hope not...you should go). But either way, why are you worried about contact? If he has someone else already then it's not as though you are ruining the "miss you" value of going dark. Asking won't ruin your chances of anything.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think the worry about contact is more that it just hurts. There are so many things I'd love to talk to him about, share with him - and I know he would want me to talk to him like that since he wants to be friends - it's just so uncomfortable to me. I should just give it a try - would it help me get over (loss of my husband)him...or would it make me want to talk to/be around him more, which wouldn't be a good thing?
Hey - there's progress there, tho it probably doesn't look like it - I'm not worried about HIM and his reactions, I'm worried about ME - that's good, right?
Let's pop into my pity party for a moment, shall we?: So I decided yesterday that since I'm not concentrating when I work at home on my projects I should go into the office and work, despite the time and money expense it takes for my commute into New York City these days. And yesterday I actually had a very productive day in the office - was quite surprised, actually - spent time last night talking with my friend who'd been urging me to try that and was looking forward to a productive week....because I really didn't think the transit workers would actually go on strike....
But they did. Our office is working at home until the strike's over.
Exactly what did I do to piss the universe off so much?
Okay, pity party over. I am thankful for so much - just had to laugh/cry about that for a minute.
P.S. My dogwalker tells me today that he's not going out of town after all and will take care of the dog. So now I need to call XH and tell him. Maybe I'll try that "friendly conversation" thing instead of the awkward stuttering....
