Ok, I have no idea who kenneth is, and neither did Dan Rather, but that's neither here nor there. (it was Dan Rather, right?)
Where is this thread going. Oh yeah. Frequency.
H and I have hit a road bump as it concerns frequency. We are currently not agreeing on it, obviously. He likes every 3 days. This is not enough for me. We seem to be stuck. He says, with the start of every new week, that it will be different and it never is. This has been going on since we began ML again 6 weeks ago. Every week it is the same.
The up side is that we have *really* progressed in terms of how we can talk to each other about sex stuff. It is so easy and uncomplicated--I never would have thought it possible. I mean, sure, it's easy to discuss this stuff when things are going grand but it's a whole different story to navigate the discussions when one or both partners is not happy with the status quo. The discussions always end nicely and lovingly, with no raised voices or blood pressure. Niiiiice.
Any ideas for me?
Should I:
1. Accept his loving and horny offering of sex every 3 days, and consider that pretty good and be grateful for the resolution.
Or,
2. Keep trying for a situation that addresses my own needs better.
What was the frequency prior to his every 3-days? Personally, I'd be ecstatic if my H would do that. Right now I'm lucky if I get once every 3-4 weeks.
I think you need to take a good look at where you were before to find a good compromise. If you aren't satisfied you aren't satisfied, BUT....at what point is it you asking him to meet your needs without any compromise? He seems to be, from what I've gathered, working pretty hard...and keeping up to a pretty good schedule. So what would you be willing to compromise on...what have you agreed in the past would be ok?
hp, it seems to me that your H has come a very long way in meeting your needs. You say he now offers loving AND horny sex every three days. As someone who has had sex once in the last year, it's hard for me to see how that can still be unsatisfactory-- not to question that to you it is not, just hard for ME to see it... especially since it is loving and horny, which I believe have been somewhat missing in the past.
What is it particularly that makes this still NOT what you need? Is it the number of O's-- by that I mean you never reach a level of true satiation? Can you MB while he holds you on off nights (or does that violate the Catholic thing?)? Does he not initiate passionately enough or not show enough desire? You say he "offers"-- that doesn't sound like burning desire...
How would adding one or two more nights make a difference? I don't mean that rhetorically-- I mean it literally. If he offered every other day... what would that bring to you that is still missing at every three days?
If he came to you with feverish passionate desire, but the frequency was only once or twice a week, would that trip a switch that is not tripped by every-three-day horny-but-not-over-the-top sex?
Yay you started a new thread...expect major hijacking from me because I don't feel like starting my own.
My feeling is that you should do your best to try to accept the evey 3 day routine. I can relate to what you want ( more passion, novelty, enthusiasm, innuendo and yes...frequency), but I think it will be helpful if you can hold off from pursuing those ideals for while. I have been down this exact same road the last few months, and I made the decision to accept what H offers ( coincidentally also a 2x/week thing) because I felt I was projecting an air of disappointment which only added pressure to the picture. I began to focus on the positive...the commitment he is showing me to meet my needs.
As an aside, I do remember that when we were in MC the therapist felt that it was more important to improve the overall sexual tone in the house, including adding teasing and tension, to build up to the ML. His idea was to build up the excitement to make the encounters that much more fulfilling, and not to focus so much on the exact frequency. We have been playing/flirting with each other some more...we are both still so awkward with one another, but it's getting easier. It's amazing how much ground we have lost from the very early days.
Now that I have been backing off from H and being appreciative, lately we having some more intimate conversation where he has come forward more openly. He has been able to express ( and this is major for him) some of the factors related to his LD. I can go through this in another post , but one thing he mentioned made me think of your sitch: He said that thinking of me as his wife, and all the pressures that go along with that, makes him forget sometimes that underneath I am a person, an individual with needs and desires. he just sees WIFE and backs off.
When you negotiate, it is SOP to ask for more then you want. so if you want 4 times a week you ask for 6 and hope for 3. He wants 2 times a week, and is getting that so it seems. 2 times a week isnt bad, if you get 2 times on the weekend also.....
questions. How is the actual sex? I have asked before, but is it just frequency you want or could the quality of the encounter make you more satisfied. Do you reach satiation during each encounter, or are you one of those rare women that seem to be able to O endlessly. Most women IME, eventually have a big whole body O, after which they are satisfied, though if you continue with the IC it becomes 'primal' for them, and they often will involuntarily have more, if you keep it up long enough.
How is his diet? Health is 3/4 diet, 1/4 exercise. His sleep is a prob, determined already. Does he exercise, particulary weight bearing, I.E. lift weights. Prob not short on time already. Lifting increases testosterone. Since he is a ecto, weather he lifts or not a protein supplement with BCAA's would be good for him. Do you guys take any supplements, such as vitamins, or St. Johns Wort, etc. I have one to recommend, that MAY, MAY, MAY,-- no promises --up his drive.
I take saw palmetto when I am sexually active. It is recommended for prostate health, but its mechanism is that of a hormone balancer. It dramatically effects my drive, and my seminal output. I stumbled on this by accident. The 2 guys I have offered the suggestion too saw the same results. Its not immediate it takes a month or so to kick in.
Another reason for frequent sex Guys getting close to 40 should take care of their prostate health.... prostate cancer is a given for anyone who lives to 70+.
Guys if you are in a SSM, I dont recommend you take it or try to show your wife the above article. I stopped taking Saw Palmetto immediately when Sh!t hit the fan, for me.
I do want to say also HP, that if work is stressful, or unfullfilling, the financial situation is not perfect, he has lack of sleep and who knows what else HE may feel he is 'sacrificing' for marriage, and kids that it could very well affect his sex drive. Think maslow's hierarchy of needs. Yours are all pretty well satisfied, correct?
other questions while I am at it. Why did he become so spiritual. If he is of the opinion sex is for procreation then I would say 2x a week is a pretty good compromise on his part already. Though obviously this opinion is driven by biology as much as anything.
Did you MB alot as a singel gal? Or is your sex drive driven by needing your H to want you? There is a difference. Lastly, things could be a lot worse. You've got a pretty good life. Appreciate, accept. I know you are. You got my admiration because of that.
Yes, Lillie, I meant that every 3 days does not physically satisfy me. It leaves me feeling uncomfortably horny, basically just unsated. We have discussed this and he understands how I am.
Lately he has been doing really good at showing me his horniness. I am 100% certain this is because the frequency has gone down to a level where he is seeking me out because he is horny and not just because he has to "keep momma happy". (his icky words)
There were times when we were doing it at his frequency level and he would not show me this desire so this is progress for him. He even said today that he's been making an effort to let me know when sexual thoughts cross his mind and I told him I appreciate it.
So.................... It looks as if I can have horniness and a frequency level that doesn't cut it for me; OR, the frequency that is fine but not the accompanying horniness.
I agree with all of you who are saying that this is pretty damn good. I am leaning towards acceptance but it is so hard. It really is unsatisfying to me and, yes Lil, it is that darn Catholic thing of no MB that complicates matters so much. I am dependent on him and he knows it. I guess there is a part of me that wants him to be more sensitive to this aspect of things but one can't have everything. %&#$!
Blackfoot, his diet is pretty good. His life stresses the crap out of him. Hates his job, kids drive him crazy. Religion (and me) is his refuge. He loves to lift weights but doesn't feel he has time to fit in into his day. Truly, if one has 3 kids and a stressful job AND insists on going to bed at 9:00, it IS hard.
He has a healthy outlook (now) as far as sex is concerned. He doesn't think it is solely for procreation.
Lastly, I mb a lot as a single gal and a lot as a married gal, even, up until last year when I gave it up. My drive is not so much driven by wanting him to want me, though that is a lot of it.
Okay, really D-U-M question for you here... but have you talked to your priest about the no MBing thing? I mean, it seems to me that if you explained your case to your priest, and he understands that you are MBing to keep the peace and happiness ALIVE in your marriage... that your H is aware of what you are doing, and you are both consenting to do this to take the edge off you and the pressure off your H...
Why would a priest NOT give a blessing to that... or at least agree to look the other way when it comes to confession?
And if your priest gave his blessing to this, wouldn't that relieve both you and your H's conscience?
'Cuz quite honestly, hon, I understand that you aren't at 100% satisfaction, but I'm afraid if you continue to express dissatisfaction to your H, you are going to break him. No offense.
Quote: So.................... It looks as if I can have horniness and a frequency level that doesn't cut it for me; OR, the frequency that is fine but not the accompanying horniness.
...for now. Y'all have come a long way, and he could still move in your direction.
YOu can't even MB with him lying next to you holding you? What about if he finishes you off? I understand how ejaculation without the possibility of pregnancy would be considered a sin, but if you have an "o" jointly engineered (or "executed" to use chrome's terminology) without the possiblity of preganacy-- surely that would not be a sin? Maybe he could check this out with a religious authority of some sort? There is another Catholic sin called "scrupulosity" where a person adheres so strictly to the letter of a law that he violates the spirit of it.
well, girls, MB is just out. It's a mortal sin. No priest is going to give me the green light and that's pretty much that. I'm okay with that, I surely didn't mean to turn this thread into a convo about that.
Oh and Corri (howdy there mama, btw) I have not pressured him wrt frequency in a LONG time. He knows that this doesn't work for me.
Honestly, sis, I'd be okay with what he likes if he'd TRY to do it my way part of the time. This is where I wish the fellas could "just do it", kwim. Like I said, this has been going on for about 6 weeks and I've mentioned it once so I'm not harping on him by any stretch. In fact, *he's* the one who brings it up all the time..."I know I haven't been the best H lately..." and things like that.
I was looking at my H this morning and it occurred to me that there is a deep disconnect between his body and his brain, as it concerns sex. Horniness, to him, is something you experience when your body starts giving your brain signals that it needs sex--rather than the other way around, wherein your body starts feeling horny because your brain is inundating it with sexual thoughts. He waits until he gets the physical signals from his body--regardless of what stimuli is in front of him. For instance, I was getting dressed this morning in front of him, bare arse naked and shaved bare and he didn't bat an eye. I'm quite sure his brain didn't even 'register' me, if ykwim. Later on tonight, tho, I'll betcha he's all over me (it's been roughly a week since we last ML, which is a long time to both of us).
I don't know what my point is here except to say that if I didn't ever think about sex, or if I put it out of my mind when I did, my level of general horniness would plummet. It's no surprise to me that he operates the way he does.
prostate cancer is a given for anyone who lives to 70+.