Let me give you some background as briefly as possible. • 30-year marriage, 2 children B27 & G14. • H and I in 2nd separation that is 3 weeks old • 1st separation 2 years ago and lasted 2 months • H moved back in while I was out of town (If WWS moves back in, this action negates an affair in our states divorce laws) • He is pushing me to sell our house and go back to work. I feel like he is tying to set me up for divorce in his favor) • H has had a R with OW on and off for 10 years. • OW lives in another city where we use to live-150 miles away, and use to be H’s paralegal when we lived there up until 5 years ago. • H travels a great deal with business (yeah right). More and more in past year. • OW divorced her H 1.5 years ago and has really been pulling. • A has been going on 3 years now to best of my knowledge and H has continually denied it (He is an attorney and knows how to play the game). • Finally admitted it 3 weeks ago after I found out he had taken OW and her 2 kids to Major league baseball playoff game. I ask him to move out and make a decision, as I was no longer willing to live under such conditions.
I have just recently discovered this web site, spent many hours reading various threads, and have had one consultation by phone, which was wonderful. I am waiting on Michelle’s books that I ordered a few days ago. Is there anyone out there that has been involved with such a long-term affair that can offer any hope at all? I don’t know that I can ever trust this man again unless he and I both make some drastic changes. I just wonder if people can change that much. I suppose that I would have to view this OW as an ex-wife if we ever did get back together. H calls every few days and we have had dinner twice. He ask me today to have dinner tomorrow night and watch our favorite college team play football on Saturday. (A mutual love of both of ours). It is so hard to be pleasant and forgiving when I am around him as all the lies and deceit come crashing in. Sounds like a major MLC, and I am sure it is. He is terrified of growing old at 50. Although he has had plenty of opportunity to leave in the past several years, he chooses not to. I suppose I have enabled him to have his cake and eat it too. I am not happy being part of this triangle and feel very used. Kicking him out of the house is the first aggressive action I have taken. I just do not know if I have a chance against this woman that is 17 years our junior. Any advice out there?
Sally G- Just wanted to welcome you to the boards. I am sorry I have no advice, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have been wondering the same thing for days...can a H end a long term A with OW and come back to his M? Wish I knew the answer...it would probably save me a lot of grief. The people here are really great and offer a lot of sensible advice...it has helped me in the past weeks. Read Michele's book(s) as soon as you can...you will find that they offer some great advice as well, along with some comfort. The one thing you will hear is that you have to start focusing on yourself...taking care of yourself will help you in the long run, whether or not you and your H stay together. Also, you have to try to stop thinking about him and OW - I know, its easier said than done, but it might be the only way for you to maintain some sanity. I constantly remind myself that I cannot control my H's actions, only my own. Think about what you can do to bring you closer to your goal. These are the things that made me feel like I had more control over my situation, and thus I felt less hopeless. I am sorry I am not more profound. I am new to this as well...still trying to get a handle on my own sitch and what I can do. Keep coming back...you will find that the people here really do care about you and take great time to respond to you in an effort to help you through a very tough time. Good luck.
I am sorry for your situation. I don't know how women react to a long-term affair, but when I found out about my WS and her 12-year affair, I felt as if I had been kicked in the gut, then felt as if the world had completely changed and I didn't recognize anything or anyone in it. My WS has said she wants to keep our marriage going, has had no more contact with the OM (she says), we are living together, have not told anyone outside of our church's minister and a therapist we are going to see. It has been 7 months and sometimes I almost forget about the affair and then something happens to bring it up again and I wonder if I could believe anything she says. So, every situation is different, but I understand there are similarities in how the betrayed spouse reacts to the news. If you haven't tried them yet, some other good books are Spring, "After the Affair"; Glass, "Not Just Friends", and Hendrix "How to Get the Love you Want." I don't have any answers, and I don't find the advice from Michele helpful, because our situation does not mirror the symdromes she describes in her writings, but the writing and journaling that I do here is helpful to clear my mind. I hope this was helpful.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
Sally, Sorry to find you here (as are we all). I think some of the DB solutions can be helpful as I find myself in a similar situation (apart from the length of time) and have found positive changes in the month and a half that I have been using the techniques (and I haven't been that good at it either). Yes, the affair is still going on and I'm trying to deal with what that means, and how long I'm willing to take it.
Because your husband is a lawyer and you have expressed legal fears I would suggest you seek out some legal aid to protect yourself - just in case. Start making a file of records (credit cards, utility bills, everything that is part of your finances and go back for as far as you can). Keep these organized so that you don't have to pay extra for someone to sift through them. There is an organization in Chicago that is just for women and legal issues that may be useful: lilactree.org. They may be able to steer you toward a similar orgnization in your state. Mind you, I'm only saying to do this as a precaution and continue to DB in order to save your marriage. Hope this helps.
Imdi99, I don't know if I should be able to find your thread but I can't. I am still too new to know all the ins and outs of posting to these boards. Thank you for your warm welcome and your concern. What is your sitch? It is comforting to hear that I am not alone it this sitch. At first you feel like no one else could possibly be going through what you are dealing with. After all, who in thier right mind would stay with a cheating spouse for this long? Then I hear from you and TSinAtlanta (My favorite city) and feel so much more hopeful. I will remember you and everyone in my prayers tonight! Blesings, Sally
SallyG- Glad to know that reading the situations here have been comforting for you. I, too, have been trying to figure out the technical side of the boards. I originally posted in "separated - what now" under the post "separated 10 months." Then, I jumped over here to infidelities and have been sharing under "wow, i am not alone." To be brief, here is my story: H - 38, Me - 32...no kids...married 6 years, together 10 years. Have been separated for almost 1 year. The beginning of our separation was a "therapeutic separation" - we were in marriage counseling and were dating at least 1x per week. It was really helping in the beginning. In January, my H found out that I had been speaking with a guy I had met through a friend of a friend. There was no physical interaction b/w me and the other guy - he had basically become a friend, but my H felt betrayed. We worked through it and our R was better than ever...I moved back home on April 30th. Didn't last...my H moved out on May 9th...he harrassed me until I moved out again on July 16th. He said he hadn't gotten over what had happened in January and was still angry about it. Nevertheless, we were dating weekly for a while, but we also went to a mediator in the beginning of August to draw up a settlement agreement. In September, my H told me we needed to go back to the mediator because he couldn't do this anymore and we needed to get divorced. We went back to the mediator and are now finalizing our settlement agreement. I have suspected an OW for almost 2 years...but my H has continued to deny (surprise). There are more specifics on those 2 threads I mentioned above. Gee, guess that wasn't too brief. My biggest question right now is "is it possible for him to end it with her and come back to our M?" Does that happen? There are days when I feel sooo hopeless. Then, I come here and am supported by so many wonderful people and i start to feel better. I try to remind myself that I am not the only one to go through this (unfortunately)...and that people do survive it. I don't remember from your original post if you have read any of Michele's books...i read divorce remedy and instantly felt hopeful...it has a lot of really sensible advice...i have purchased so many other books, some good, some not so much. Today, I bought "love must be tough" by dobson, as suggested by others on the boards. I haven't read the whole thing, but a lot of what he says supports michele's theories...both books, and the people here, have been helpful. Come back here often...you will find that people respond to you with great advice. And, they support you when you think you are losing it! I wish I had something profound to say...new at this myself. My advice would be to read the book, come here and vent, and try to take your focus off your H and OW...it only serves to make you more miserable. I got some really good advice from becomingabutterfly...basically, she says to focus on the facts of the situation, and stop assigning your own meaning to your H's actions...if you are anything like me, you are probably constantly assigning negative meanings. You can read more of her advice under "wow - i am not alone." I have also learned that focusing on the negative doesn't allow you to do positive things...after all, if you think negatively all the time, then what would be the point of doing anything positive, since you are expecting a negative outcome anyway (does that make sense?) Well, I am sorry that you have to be here, but welcome. I hope that you will find as much comfort here as I have. I will forever be grateful to the people here for sharing their stories. Visit often, sallyg... Take care... Keeping everyone in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for your kindness. You are correct that this board is filled with wonderful, compassionate people. Each time I come here I find a little more wisdom in these pages which gives me much needed strength. I have read some of your other posts and my heart goes out to you. I remember 10 years ago when I first discovered the A. I was shattered to say the least. When H moved out 2 years ago I could think of nothing but my grief and sadness was a constant companion. Although there is still a great deal of pain this time around it seems different. I am much more at peace with whatever the outcome may be. Perhaps it is just me that is different. We cannot be responsible for our H's actions. We did not cause the A although we may have contributed to the conditions that allowed it to haappen. The choice was their's to make and the consequences their's to suffer. What finally helped me was giving my worry and anxiety to God and trusting that He will take care of me. Learning to forgive allows you to get rid of the anger and bitterness that is so common to the feeling of being abandoned. Forgiveness, though, is not something that one decides and, boom, it happens. It seems to me to be a long process of making those decisions every day, or sometimes every hour. I still hurt and I still get angry and have feelings of hopelessness. I struggle with not shouting to my H that he is a fool and just needs to come home without the baggage of the OW in tow. I am trying hard to focus on his needs and not so much on my own these days but it is so difficult. I still have good and bad days but the good are getting better. The first time around I did not tell anyone that my H had moved out to "have some space and work on our R" I was too embarassed. H never told anyone either. This time, however, I have told a few close friends and my family (Mom & 3 wonderful, supportive brothers). It helps me to hear that I am a decent person with much to offer. After all, once an A is discovered our self estem takes a nose dive. Thier concern and love and the postings on these boards have kept me strong this past week. I think we need to get out, stay busy, and surround ourselves with people who care about us. One of my friends told me that H has changed jobs, friends, houses (we are in our 6th!) and cars, but the one thing constant in his life for the past 30 years has been me. That gave me the courage that I needed to ask him to move out of our home until he could make a decesion about what he wanted. Something else to think about is that the OW is probably not familiar with DBing and will try to pull, manipulate and force our H's to be with them. There will probably be demands made and arguments over his leaving us. I know that OW has divorced her H and certainly now expects my H to do the same. If I can stay cool and plesant maybe H will think about who he is more comfortable with. I don't know the answeres...or I would not be here. But I do feel some positive changes in my life happening if not in his yet. Keep me posted. Blessings SallyG
Hi SallyG- Thanks for your feedback...it means a lot. I can identify with sadness being a constant companion. It seems like no matter what i do, I just feel miserable. There is not a minute during the day when i do not think about my sitch. I just wish i could have one day where i don't think about it...i just feel like i have a huge weight on me that won't leave. I know that i have the power to make it go away, but sometimes it is easier just to give up and deal. I keep hoping that one day i will feel like you and be more at peace with whatever the outcome may be. Maybe one day... I believe that my H is conflicted over what he wants (and maybe that means who he wants as well). The one thing I haven't really felt (i don't think) is lousy about myself (in terms of him being with another woman)...i know who she is, and frankly, she ain't nothing to write home about! Hee-hee! But seriously, in my case, i think my H turned to her because his emotional needs were not being met by me...has nothing to do with her being more attractive physically (if i do say so myself ) Basically, i try to take one day at a time. I focus on the positive baby steps that we have been making, and try to play on the part of my H that remains ambivalent. That means continuing to do the 180 and LRT...ahh, if it was only that easy. I am sorry that you have to be here with us, but it does seem like you have a positive attitude...maybe it will rub off on me! Take care...keep us updated!
imdi99, I have good days and bad ones too. Today is not so great. Another incident occured with my H yesterday which made me feel like I am being set up for a divorce. I wish I knew whether to keep dbing or to give it up and make a life for myself and my daughter. After all these years is is hard to think of starting over. Your H sounds so much like mine. They don't really want to give up the M but they don't want to give up the OW either. We cannot make that choice for them, we can only prepare ourselves for the life we have to live ahead of us. We have had the unhappy periods, there will most likely be more, but neither of us deserve to live in misery and pain. Life is to be cherished. Every day of it! Keep smiling and keep busy. My new motto is to "Charge neutral". SallyG
flauner, How aqre you? Has your H moved out of your house or have you been DBing with him home. I have to admit that I find it easier to DB with H out of the house. When he was home and mopping aroud it was all I could do to hold my big mouth closed. I suspect this might have been the advantage that OW has also had. It is easier to be pleasant and up-beat when you don't see someone day in and day out. I hope that these techniques become a habit for me, if not for my H, (my goal!!!) then for any other relationship that I may have. Take care and keep in touch. SallyG.
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