Hairy, the moment you took back the power in the 'conversation' (I use the term loosly) the tide shifted! Immediately! Did you see that??? She actually came to you!!!
She knows it's very bad behavior, she just needs to be 'called' on it more often. She is acting like a spoiled child, and you'll never convince her to stop acting that way by accepting it.
Refuse to give her 5 seconds of your time when she is talking that way to you! Walk away! She will come around I suspect. But you've got to be firm with her 100% of the time for her to understand "Hey, he's not giving in... I guess that's not going to work anymore". Be prepared for her to up the anty, but hold strong!
Last night, as we were lying in bed, I was telling her about a convo I had with my son, in which I was pretty harsh with him, because I was trying to get him to think about consequences. W said it sounded pretty harsh, too harsh, and said I could have done it better. I thought about it, and said, "I know it sounds like I was rough on him, but it probably sounds worse to you than it actually was." She said, "oh, so now that I'm sounding critical, you're saying that you weren't so rough on him?"
She pushed the button. You know, the one that is marked, "Push here to get Hairdog to be defensive and step in W's sh!t." But nothing happened this time. Instead, I said, "good night." And that was the last thing either of us said.
This morning, my alarm went off and she asked if I could take DD4 to school. I've told her many times that, absent extraordinary circumstances, I want to be asked no later than the night before. So, even though I usually say "yes," just to be accomodating, I said, "no, I really can't do that today."
And the world didn't end.
I just need to realize that it's not a choice between Mr. Nice Guy and Mr. Angry Guy. There's a lot of space in the middle.
I think writing down "I will not take her disrespect" 100 times is a good exercise.
Quote: I just need to realize that it's not a choice between Mr. Nice Guy and Mr. Angry Guy. There's a lot of space in the middle.
Bravo!
I know the last thing you need right now is another book... but there's one called Tell Me No Lies, and it talks about getting those unpleasant feelings out in the open, sharing them, and finding out the world doesn't end. For example, one lady in the book confessed to her H that every day she wished him dead because she wanted out of the M but didn't have the guts to leave him. Needless to say, hearing that was a shock to him, but it cracked the protective wall each one had built around him/herself. Hers was not sharing her feelings, good and bad, and his was being Mr. Nice Guy and keeping his feelings to himself, too. It's well written and has lots of examples.
I have a feeling that there is a LOT of room in the "grey" part of life that you, I and some of the others can be spending some time in. I, for one, plan on staying on this path and see where it leads me.
Hell, I know that the OTHER one that I was on has not only no CHEESE at the end of it, but no NOOKIE, either.
Interesting situation over the weekend. Hairdog, Ms.Hdog, and DD4 are driving to the zoo. I call DS14 to ask if he has found a map I loaned him. He has not. I ask him to look for it again. I hang up. W: He won't remember to look for it. H: I don't know, but I'll give him a chance. W: He won't find it...He won't even look for it. He's forgetful, just like his dad. H: That's uncalled for. W: Why? It's true. H: Because it's disrespectful. W: But it's a fact. H: Not only do I disagree with you regarding whether I am forgetful, it is inappropriate to say that in front of DD4, and it's just downright hurtful. In fact, I don't want to be around someone all afternoon who talks to me that way. Please just take me home (We weren't very far from home at this point). W: Why don't you just get out here and walk? H: (considering it, but deciding...) No. I deserve to be driven home. *pause* Just how is it that you think it's okay to treat me this way?
*silence, for about 2 minutes, as we drive farther from home. Then, she comments on something benign on the radio, trying to be chatty. I don't respond. More driving. She tries to be chatty again, I relent, responding flatly to something she asks. From then on, for the most part, she behaves like a loving wife for the rest of the weekend (no, no ML, but some hugs and kisses).*
So, by not allowing bad behavior, it seems I may have earned some respect. Dang!
Hairy, When I realized that I, as a modern female raised by feminist, strong-willed and domineering women, wanted a strong man who kept me in line, well let's just say I was flabbergasted. (or fiberblasted as H's co-worker likes to say--with a straight face, too)
It's weird but true. What can I say.
Good for you and especially good for you for insisting that it not happen in front of D4. I think that much damage was done to my marriage by watching my mom and grandma run roughshod over the men in their lives. Kwim?
Wow! Interesting convo. My wife makes fun of my forgetfulness all the time, and she is right so I can't say I would have responded the way you did.
I can say if I had responded that way, she would have clammed up and not said a word to me until I apologized. Different strokes for different folks. Glad it worked out for you though (for the most part).
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
