You are doing the right thing. Sorry your success was temporary. If what you say is true than maybe you could suggest a Christian theripist.
These are sympathy ploys (though the suicidal threats are to be taken seriously) it is an attempt to control the situation.
If he is a bad person (we all are to some degree) then what is he doing about it? What is causing him to think he is so bad? Looking at yourself the ugly mirror is a scary thing however that actually is the easy part. Real work is afterwards.
You are doing well.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
How about thinking about baby steps? H says that there's no space for you ("us") in his life or mind or whatever...well, yah, of course he's going to say that! it's a big leap from "ILYBINILYWY" to "there's room in my life for you". Just like there's babysteps between ignoring each other and going out on a "real" date (having coffee at the house, sharing a cookie, watching a video together, taking a walk, etc).
My point is that I'd encourage you to look for inches, not yards. I know it's hard to live in limbo (believe me, I have been there) but unless you want the alternative (end of M, D) for certain, limbo is not such a bad place to be. It gives YOU space, h space and let's you guys get to know each other again.
I realize I'm in the minority here but I'd also stop looking for ulterior motives in h's actions, conversations, etc. It's not going to help you or your sitch at this point. I have no idea if your h is trying to "control" the sitch with his disclosures. All I "heard" was a guy telling you how he feels. You can say "that sounds hard for you" or "tell me more" or smile and touch his arm gently or none of the above but taking his conversation and turning it into some mind game doesn't sound like a good end to the story.
Go back to your goals. Break them down even smaller. Can you see babysteps on the way to each one? What actions can YOU take to bring them about (since, IIRC, each goal was primarily about something that h was going to do). What was different about the times in your M when things felt good and close between you? All that good stuff.
A re-reading of DR never hurts, either.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Honestly, I don't mean to bring anybody down, but I don't see what's left to fight for. This relationship became very unhealthy and I feel better when he is not around. That should tell me something...
Hi sorry for your situation, but i to have been and still gong through depression, its hard for a man to admit to have a problem,'we ae the hunters, bread winners MEN' these things are taught to us from birth. if he admits he has aproblem and starts to get help he will feel out of control, not in charge of his future. I felt the same way, i evenually did get help and the only went for a few weeks and realised that it does help and it changed my whole out look on life, i now spend as much time with the kids as i can, would like to spend time with W but cant(hoping soon ), so don't give up on him he needs you more than you or he thinks . good luck
I really have to agree with everything that sage has written. She's given you some excellent advice, as she usually does!
Inches, not yards. Stop looking for the "ulterior motives", because you're sure to find them, even if they're not there. What you focus on expands, remember?!
There would be only one more thing (for now anyway!) that I might add to what she has suggested. As you know, I've been trying to keep up on your progress for quite some time. In doing so, I have seen the roller-coaster ride you've been on, and how you've been undecided at times on whether or not you really want this relationship. This is perfectly understandable, and perfectly "normal" under the circumstances. I think that we've all "been there, done that". This, however, is a cheeseless, and frustrating tunnel. It takes you on a tiring ride, and sends your partner a lot of mixed messages.
What I might suggest would be for you to set a certain amount of time, AT LEAST a month, where you make the decision that, no matter what happens, all that you see for your relationship is reconciliation. That during this time period, totally going your own separate ways and never looking back is NOT an option.
During this time period, really really focus on your goals, and chart your progress. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the absolute pits and 10 being the best you could ever imagine, where are you right now, and look at where you're at, overall, at the end of your set date. From there, you'll have a better idea if what you're doing is working at all, if you might need to change strategies a bit, or if you want to even consider putting forth any more effort into this relationship.
Also, again, EVERYTHING that sage has suggested to you, too!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: so don't give up on him he needs you more than you or he thinks . good luck
One goal for the next few weeks - I want to stop the codepency stitch and force him to take action and do something about his depression.
When this happens, he will: - get an appointment with a doctor - stop the pity behavior to justify his mean actions (such as showing up to see me, but always in a bad mood and non-affectionate)
I think what I can do about it is remain supportive, but refrain from playing therapist. Now, how do I do that?
I thought about calling and saying I was sorry for being so harsh with him, but that I thought it was necessary.
Hello, caverna. I'm not familiar with your entire sitch, but I just happened to come across your thread today while following others' threads, and when you spoke of your H's nightmares, suicidal thoughts, telling you that you should just hit him, well...it's as if I was reading my own thread from a few months back.
I am indeed no expert, but please allow me to comment.
Quote: One goal for the next few weeks - I want to stop the codepency stitch and force him to take action and do something about his depression.
I agree that he does need C...so does my H...but you cannot FORCE him to go if he doesn't want to. I have begged and pleaded with my H to seek professional help for the last 5 years, and all it has gotten me is resistance. I can't control my H, and neither can you.
H will only go if that is what HE wants, and he will do it when HE is ready. Don't push the issue...Do not force it. It will get you nowhere.
Quote: When this happens, he will: - get an appointment with a doctor - stop the pity behavior to justify his mean actions (such as showing up to see me, but always in a bad mood and non-affectionate)
Stop the pity behavior?....Don't you think that's rather harsh?
Your H is hurting, caverna. He is confused, he is lost, he is very unhappy and very unsure about himself and what is going on in his life.
You're right -- the BEST thing for you to do is to remain SUPPORTIVE to your H. There were many times in my R where I felt like I couldn't take anymore of the "crybaby-ness" from my H, but he needed me. He needed me to be there for him and to tell him that everything would be alright no matter what. He would frequently say that he felt worthless, and everytime I told him, "YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS." I would turn his focus onto things that were going positive for him (i.e. a bonus he earned at work, passing his sales goals, acing his tests, etc)....Help your H focus on good things...any good thing, big or small.
I hope you don't think I'm being too hard on you with what I've said, but sometimes we need to just hear it. I know how difficult it can be in dealing with a depressed spouse.
Please take care.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Thank you Valerie. No, I don't think it's harsh of you to say that. The confusing part for me is that he is back and forth in considering our M and his feelings change all the time. That's why I am going crazy and I feel I need to take a stance. If he was just home and miserable, I'd be more supportive, but he comes home to me, cryes and says he doesn't know what he wants from us and than leaves and disappears.
I did call him to appologize for being so harsh with him. I said again that I needed to act like this so he could get help because he was harming me too.
He called later on, left a message saying he was taking the dog for the night and would call the next day to let me know when he would bring him back (I asked him to call beforehand when he was to come over). He didn't acknowledge my message.
When I got home I noticed that the clothes that he wore today were here (he usually takes them to his folks' home to make a point that he is not staying).
updating... H came home to drop off the dog and I asked him to come inside. He had the biggest wrinkle in his forehead; a really, really, angry expression. I immediately pulled him and hugged him. Then I said, "I want you to be happy with or without me."
His expression softened and we chitchatted a bit (he asked if I was ok, I asked if he was ok, he told me to wear a jacket since it was cold outside), then we both left (I planned to go hiking with a friend).
I don't know what came to me to do that. I guess it was because I went to a lunch at a client's house (and she is a chef and a social butterfly) and there were many couples who looked happy there. Watching them made me realize that this is what I want. I want to be happy again. I want companionship. I want kids. I guess that softened my heart a little bit and made me want to be less of a bitch.
