Hey everyone I thought I was the only one with problems I am so glad I found this site.
Okay since I am brand new to this site let me explain the situation.
Im 27 years old and my wife is 30 years old. We have been married 4 years. I am in the military and it used to cause me to travel all the time. So my wife doesnt work she is what most people would call a housewife, except she doesnt clean unless I complain enough to make her, she doesnt do dishes but she does cook my lunch and dinner everyday. The first three years of our marriage I was gone traveling a little less then half the year. So I didt want her to be working when I was home cause I wanted to spent as much time as I could with her. She is my best friend and we love each other as much as two people can. We only knew each other 3 months before we got married but she was very sexually active and although more then once a week is what i wanted I feel fortunate to be able make love that much. She has gained about 50 lbs since we got married basically because she goes to Starbucks everyday or lays around watches TV all day, or goes out with her girlfrieds. The problem is I dont understand why she doesnt clean or want to work? She had to abort our baby about 8 months ago because of complications and had a lot of problem resulting from that like swollen ovary and a lot of pain and bleeding all has since been corrected. Since then we have only ML three times.It has been almost 2 month since the last time? She tried one time just because she knew I was suffering but just couldnt get into it.I dont how I can do this for the rest of my life. I definetly couldnt live with out her, She is my soulmate. So divorce is not an option. She is still very affectionate and cuddly, we say Love you at least 20 times a day and kiss as much as possible. After reading some other posts i guess I left out some information. In the first year of our marriage I did take a woman home with me although I didnt sleep with her I still took a woman home. She also caught me talking to other girls on the internet, that was three years ago she doesnt act like it bothers her but maybe it could still. When she would catch me she would make me buy her stuff im not sure if I should have. At one point about 2 years ago she told me that she didnt think I loved her and she didnt love me but I think we have emotionally fixed that. We have two dogs also that she would rather sleep with than me. We our moving and when i say im not the dogs then she says if they dont go she wont go. Anybody have any Idea what to do?
Quote: In the first year of our marriage I did take a woman home with me although I didnt sleep with her I still took a woman home. She also caught me talking to other girls on the internet, that was three years ago she doesnt act like it bothers her but maybe it could still.
What do you mean by "take a woman home with me?" Can you expand on this? And talking to other women on the net.... sexually, or just sending emails to old friends, or what? Give us some more info if you can. I'd be willing to bet she's still bothered.
Has she talked/have you talked to any counsellors or clergy over the loss of the baby? How does she know its "all cleared up"? What is you/her desires on children. How long were your stints? What other sadnesses has she experienced? What has she said about her sadnesses? Have you asked?
Have you talked about her schedule? Her lack of activity?
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
My wife had two miscarriages and I can tell you that 8 months may not be enough for your wife to get over the loss of her child emotionally. My wife still cries on the anniversary of the due dates of both of those children, and it has been 6 years since the first one. You have to remember that in many ways, this is as devestating as the loss of a child, not just a terminated pregnancy. Whatever you do, do not take the attitude that she should just "get over it." That will create a LOT of resentment IMHO. Good luck and take the advice of the people on this board seriously.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I mean I hooked up with a girl and we went back to my hotel but I got a guilty concious and called it off. My wife found out about it. As far as the internet went it was sexually but it was only talk. Im sure to her it was more. We havent talked to anyone about the baby just comforted each other. I would never push her to get over it. We both want children, not in a hurry to get them but want them. She is usually a happy girl, the kind of girl who cheers up the whole room. Except when I press her about cleaning and sex. Im not sure what you mean by stints? If you mean sex wise it used to be about 2 weeks before the ectopic pregnancy. Now theres almost no interest for her. The things that bother me also is that she stays at home spends money on whatever she wants (as do I) but I work over 40 hours a week. She doesnt clean at all. If I say something about it then she says see "I am a bad wife" and cries and her tears break my heart cause i love her soo much. I personally feel that she is depressed but not sure.
Treat it as depression/grief. Treat it as a "death in the family" and something female went amiss. See what you can come up with to bolster her "feminism". Don't go over board to a longerie store with little lace goodies, but something sharp yet not provocative. Something that if he parents were in the room she'd be proud of. What are her "special moments"? Flowers, Archery, the Range, Golf, Dinner and Movies?...Help her get out of her rut.
I don't want to turn you into MrMom but would it kill ya to run the vac? (which hurts the gut anyway if your preggers or what have you) Is there anyway you could turn the housework into a team deal? Working TOGETHER no blame? I believe you have to reattach to eachother.
Also what I was asking before is how long were you called away in the past? 2 months in a row? 6?
Quote: At one point about 2 years ago she told me that she didnt think I loved her and she didnt love me but I think we have emotionally fixed that. We have two dogs also that she would rather sleep with than me. We our moving and when i say im not the dogs then she says if they dont go she wont go.
There is a book called the 5 Love Languages. It indicates different people show love in different ways. What way does she show love to you? Special attention to your laundry? Bringing home DVD's you like? The book talks of "service, afirmation, making love/sex, buying gifts" and I can't remember the last. It indicates that a thing like running errands for one may be as gratifying as a 5 hr roll in the sack for another in showing love to another. Typically the person is wired to "give" what they want to recieve.
Atm the dogs may give love to her, attention, afirmation, waggin tales without all the social hangups of a bruised relationship. They may also be the "children" she is lamenting at the moment. Yea, treat em as sacrid atm. To demand they go would be a mistake. Hopefully they don't eat at the table or other excentric things.
Last edited by LostGal; 10/27/0511:07 PM.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Quote: My wife found out about it. As far as the internet went it was sexually but it was only talk.
And you seriously wonder why she isn't responding to you sexually??? Put the shoe on the other foot and I'd bet you wouldn't be so quick to brush it off.
I also wonder who told you housework is a woman's 'work'? Nothing any sexier than a man who cleans a toilet.
I think the loss of the baby is a very real problem for your W. I have suffered through the loss of a baby, and it remains a very real source of almost physical pain (happened 7 years ago and I can still cry over it). She is probably dealing with a depression, and nothing makes you a bigger couch potato than depression. I can tell you that no matter how bad it got at home, I couldn't do anything about it until I got on top of the depression. Help her do something about that first, then see if she still has any feelings left for you at that point.
I used to go for about 2 weeks at a time sometimes with only a couple days in between. I think that the dogs became the attachment for me being gone. As far as the "Hooking up" thing our sex life was okay after that. It really went down hill after the baby. As far the cleaning thing goes I dont think I should have to work 50 hours a week while she just goes out with her girlfriends, watches tv or lays around and then come home and clean or do dishes, laundry. Thats why I say its her job. She wasnt very active person before we got married but like I said she has gained about 40 lbs and the only thing we do for fun is to go out to dinner. She just quit smoking after 17 years and she has tried to lose weight but when she does decide to workout thats all she does all day. I mean she just stays on the stair stepper literally like 5 hours. Let me say this 90% of the time we have fun constantly laughing, playing, Hugging and Kissing. Most of our friends envy us, also we have had only 1 argument since we got married mostly because I would rather give up then to see her cry. I admit that I am not very romantic anymore but I kind of dont know how to be anymore. I just spoil her by buying her things or taking her out to dinner or the occasional flowers. Let me straight I am deeply committed to this relationship so please hit me with all you got.
Quote: I dont think I should have to work 50 hours a week while she just goes out with her girlfriends, watches tv or lays around and then come home and clean or do dishes, laundry. Thats why I say its her job. She wasnt very active person before we got married but like I said she has gained about 40 lbs and the only thing we do for fun is to go out to dinner. She just quit smoking after 17 years and she has tried to lose weight but when she does decide to workout thats all she does all day. I mean she just stays on the stair stepper literally like 5 hours.
I will now yell at you...I don't care what you feel is your job. Yes under normal circumstances a division of duties over housework is warrented (I also note not hearing about yard work so I'm assuming you're in an apartment and not a home) YOUR WIFE IS HURTING the hurt is real. IMHO you should work together as a close team for a bit on the house work till she heals. That is IF you want to have meaningful noookie!
You say you don't do anything together cept go to dinner. I bet you're vocal about her weight gain too. How can she feel involved in going to dinner when you're going to rag on her for her shape? Find something else you BOTH enjoy that doesn't have added calories. Exercise TOGETHER? An evening walk, holding hands, reconnecting TOGETHER?
I dont know if you are a smoker or not. I quit after close to 40 years of smoking and durring tax time getting over 3 packs a day. That was an instant 20lbs. A friend of mine just quit and she's lamenting 25lbs. One thing I learned durring quitting is that girls and boys treat smoke differently. For a girl its a release of seratonin in the brain and therefore relaxing and calming and a "happy" drug.
So 20lbs for stopping smoking and 20lbs for the baby, I'd say she hasn't done anything unusual weight wise. You get her happy again and I bet it will come off in a year.
Quitting smoking leads to its own distress, add the death or forsed termination, and that is distressful. If you are not willing to do some house work, happily, like ??? "I've hidden a gift for you in the home. I'll vacume, you pickup and dust and lets see if you can find it, then I'll pickup dinner I've ordered and we can have a great evening"; then I suggest you get her into counselling and you should go too.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Well you are way off on that one. First we have been married 4 years and she hasnt cleaned the house in 4 years. Most of the time she doesnt help when I finally get pissed and clean. Second we both have gained a lot of weight over 4 years and it bothers both of us, but that is not something we are worried about. I just was giving as much information as possible Third, she just quit smoking 2 weeks ago and I am very proud of her not complaining at all. Most of our days we laugh and play and have fun all day long its just that she doesnt have any interest in sex. She doesnt help clean either so much for the team effort huh. If I say something about it she will just laugh and say cute right. She acts like a princess and that is what I have made her. To me she is my princess and I dont mind spoiling her. All I want is to come home to a clean house. None of this is from the baby, she was like that before the ectopic pregnancy.
