Lilliepearl, I know I have issues, that's why I'm here. One thing I will note is after I have hard feelings about some of the things she does, sometimes she shows sympathy and tries to apologize, so she knows it's an issue as well.
I think her kinkiness in the early part of the marriage is also typical of sexual molestation. Children who have been molested become sexual very early and act very sensual. I’d wager a bet that 99.9% of the strippers in topless bars have been molested. Did her early behavior seem like something a stripper would do? They even have a very provocative, unique way of dancing. You can’t miss it.
I feel if the molestation was the case, if her love for me is strong, she would have really worked on this.
Sorry, but even I have to call you out on this one!! If she were molested, she has endured more pain and anguish than you can imagine! The work it will take to get her back to any sense of “normalcy” is going to be very big. This is no small matter. That you could be so self-centered to say she only needs to work on herself to help you feel better is the epitome of conceit and lack of empathy!
Sorry to be so hard, but if you don’t see this in a different light, she is going to eventually get very P.O.’d at you and it will drive a huge wedge between you two. Again, get her into counseling.
My counselor mentioned something that I think might benefit you..
I was explaining that there had been 0 intimacy in my relationship for a long time. She said that due to his upbringing, he likely did not know HOW to have intimacy. I said "But the first few years he did, how can he just not know how now!" and she said that it is easy in the first, because it is not TRUE intimacy. Only further into the relationship, when faced with true intimacy does the truth come out.
Besides, we are good at faking it when we think there is something to be gained (ie: a great person in our life).
I'd bet that the issue begins with her molestation and carries on into not knowing how to have true intimacy. Telling her this will do nothing because she is not even "aware" of this, i would imagine.
I also think (as in the case with my H and I) that what shaky trust was there in the beginning that allowed us to get by gets shattered as problems arise in the marriage...and then suddenly it is gone. It can be rebuilt, but it will take work and probably counseling.
((hugs))
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As someone who has been molested, I will say that if she has never been through any form of counseling, it will affect her. Many people who experience molestation are great at having sex, but when emotional attachment comes into place, the sex plunges. This happens because when a person is molested, the body responds to things you think it should NOT respond to, given the situation. You realize you have NO control over your body, and it is a horrific realization. Some part of you thinks that if your body responds, you must want this to happen somehow... and since you cannot shut down the body, you shut down the emotions. You learn to disassociate sexual pleasure and emotional intimacy.
When emotional intimacy does rear its head... the sex drive leaves... this is not a conscious decision, it is a defense mechanism that kicks in whether you want it to or not.
I would imagine that your wife is 'performing' for you because she knows that having sex is a part of being married. What I also imagine she is having a hard time coming to grips with is 'where the hell did my sex drive go? Why am I not into this like I once was? Why am I having problems now?'
If she has never been through counseling, she has no idea what is going on inside... so for you to be angry at her will only compound the problem, make her more confused, and emotionally detach from you. Then you WILL remind of her molestation... for that typically occurs with a relative (with whom you have an emotional bond), they are angry, they 'guilt' and 'manipulate' you into not telling anyone, AND they make you believe that, yes, this is in fact your fault.
To reconstruct that emotional labrynth in your marriage will sabotage darn near anything you may attempt to re-establish intimacy. I am telling you this not to make you feel bad, but to make you aware of how you decide to act with her.
That isn't fair to you, and I know you are frustrated. But understand that at the moment, she is as helpless to change it as you are.
Getting over the physical violation is the easy part. Getting over the complex set of defense mechanisms your mind creates to protect itself is the real b!tch... because everything you have to do to get over them is counter intuitive.
You being aware of all of this, however, is a bonus for you. I would encourage her to enter counseling, and if she refuses, then I would find one for yourself and go alone. Not only will a counselor help you with your issues, they can also assist you in understanding this very traumatic experience, help you understand her behaviors, and perhaps offer suggestions on how you can help her find the courage to help herself.
As a side note, I would make it an absolute VOW not to have children until this issue is resolved. Make certain that you do not leave the birth control solely up to her. I hate to say this, but do not trust her on this one.
And make sure you find a counselor who has YEARS of experience on abuse... hey Lil, do you still have that link to that article on abuse survivors and their defense mechanisms anywhere? It was an amazing article... great book. I'd call the woman for a referral, James, if I were you...
I found the article Lil had posted sometime back. You can see the link and read it here. It's an article about dysfunction as a coping mechanism and it's called "Sex Therapy with Survivors of Sexual Abuse."
Thanks for reminding me about that article, Corri. There's plenty of wisdom in there even if you have no sexual abuse in your background. I'm going to study it again.
