Unilateral Disarmement - 3

[Wendylon]

I'm sorry if this sounds like a stupid question, but what does this 'piecing' business refer to? I'm not sure whether it's to do with sewing, with fixing broken vases.... Please enlighten me!

W.

[Heart2Heart]

I was impressed with his idea and said, "That sounds like a great idea; I don't think I would have thought of that." He smiled nicely as he went to finish writing up his report. So no good-night but a pretty good exchange.

Excellent, Wendy - a very nice exchange! That's exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. I'll issue a small warning, though - you have to keep it up and be consistent. You saw the effect that your words had - a bright smile for a few moments. I think if you're consistent - present in the conversation, giving him your attention & appreciation, those moments will become longer & longer. He'll want to seek you out because he feels good when he's around you. Remember that they say that A's are not about the OW or the sex, it's about how the WA feels about HIMSELF when he's with her.

Now I know there will be people who will say "Hey, what about ME?" and I'll say it's not always easy to be the one working so hard at the R. But I think it takes one to turn the tide, and right now that person is you. I don't think of it as falsely catering to HIS needs - no, I see it more as creating a safe & loving environment. And I do believe that you will reap what you sow.

And finally I'll nudge you again to set some small goals - some small action-oriented things you can do to measure your progress. . . .

hugs,
-H2H

[slowly]

Hi Wendy - Welcome to Piecing.

There are so many similarities in the challenges we face, the lack of immediate intimacy, the feeling of 'engineering' opportunities to dbing etc. All I can say is that for me, it has been an educational journey, and although we are by no means 100% out of the woods, I do feel like I am in a better relationship now than I was 3 years ago. Most of this is due to being able to read NG better, and not expecting him to show affectation the way I would show affection. Very, very difficult at that time though

How did your retreat go ?

Slowly

[Wendylon]

Thank you so much, H2H and Slowly, for stopping by. You're right, H2H, I need practical goals and I need to be consistent. Thanks, Slowly, for reassuring me that a lot of this stuff is par for the course post-A.

H and I are completely caught up in our fight against our Local Education Authority over the school placement for S6 (who is autistic). The tribunal date is coming up and our LEA has hired a barrister so we've got our work cut out for us as the LEA are up to nasty tricks.

Luckily, we really see eye to eye on everything to do with S6 and I keep thinking how lucky it is that we are still living together. It would be a nightmare to try to get our legal case off the ground if we were separated.

I still keep running into OW. She's put on lots of weight! I even told H I'd seen her and pointed her out to a friend of mine who'd said, "It can't be OW, that woman is pregnant". H said, "Yes, I know, she's put on lots of weight". We left it at that.

While there is still no physical or verbal affection between us, I think we both feel we're really in this together. H has postponed his departure thereby shortening his upcoming trip to China as he didn't feel right being away with so much to do re S6's case. I'm really relieved.

We've had some nice family times, though my stress does come out with the kids. At bathtime last night, S10 asked, "Is this still that time just before your period?"

I'm still amazingly grateful for this BB even though I'm not visiting as much. I am still keeping up with quite a few threads, though.

Wendy

[midip]

hi wendy
so pleased you and H have this great bond over S6. I think that is so important.

I may have said this before but don't forget the good things about H and how hard it must have been for him to arrive back committed to your marriage in the face of giving up a fantasy (I know from my H that he really did feel that he was going to be with OW forever and that he loathed me and that their 'love' (puke) would conquer all.)

Try to keep adding a bit of warmth at every opportunity and I am sure the love you show will come back to you.

lots of love

[Wendylon]

Thank you, midip, for your wise words. It's great to hear from you. Yes, I think he has given up a huge fantasy. Thanks for reminding me.

This week-end went well. Once a month we have a week-end without the kids because S10 and D8 go along for the ride when S6 goes to stay with one of his therapists. Having that time once every month to be on our own allows me to track how things are going. I still think it's in the right direction.

Nothing dramatic, just little things. H brought me back a hot chocolate when he went to get his coffee this morning and yesterday even though I hadn't asked him. A few smiles, a few laughs. We had supper out last night and then brunch today. We had lots to talk about (S6 and the upcoming tribunal, his work--which is going really well, my first client--a boy with Landau Kleffner Syndrome...)

This week has been really busy with visits to schools (the one we want for S6 and the LEA's school). As always, we have pretty much exactly the same view when it comes to decisions about S6. Neither of us will allow S6 to go the the LEA's school (school district's school), as we're both convinced that S6 would regress and lose many of the skills that we've taught him over the last 3 and a half years. We're talking big skills like speech.

This afternoon, I really helped him out. He's been trying to get a kitchen for his mother's flat. He couldn't get the credit rating to order the kitchen yesterday so I went with him and we did it with my credit card. For some reason, they needed 3 months' worth of bank statements of mine so we went to an internet cafe and then back to the shop with my statements and waited for my credit rating to be checked again. It took a good 2 and a half hours that I would have preferred to spend catching up on admin and going to yoga but in the end I realized that it was helping H. At one point, I was tempted to tell him how much I was extending myself but then thought that this was an opportunity for me to be generous and kept quiet. (By the way, I'm not paying for the kitchen, just got the credit rating to go ahead!) As we came home, H thanked me profusely several times and said how much he appreciated me going with him.

I'm really glad that he isn't already in China as originally planned. That's another fantasy that he gave up for the sake of the family and the planning for S6's tribunal. He's going on Wednesday instead and will only be away 5 days.

Must try to get an early night. Another busy week ahead.

Wendy

[Wendylon]

Midip, I don't know what I did wrong because I responded to you a few days ago and it's not here! It was also a long update and I can't believe it's not here. No wonder I haven't got any responses! I think I must have messed up with the posting.

Thank you again so much for dropping by my thread, midiP. It does help me to remember that H did give up the biggest of all fantasies. Thinking of that makes me more patient. (OW is getting fat!! I'm hoping that that is putting H off a bit.)

I drove H to the station this morning as he's off to China to go to a conference. He kissed me on the mouth as he left. That hasn't happened in ages! At the moment, there is less tension between us. As I drove him, I remembered driving him to the station last March and being in tears. I was far from being in tears this time as right at the moment our R isn't too painful. No intimacy but there is a certain ease that there hasn't been in a while.

Fingers crossed that our Tribunal will be deferred. If it isn't we'll probably lose. We should find out soon.

After H kissed me this morning, I had a sense that our R will continue to heal in time.

Wendy

[Wendylon]

The update from a few days ago is here after all and it's not that long!

[Wendylon]

Our R is still chugging along in the right direction--I think!

S6's tribunal has been deferred until March so we can now relax and prepare for Christmas.

I can pretty much count on H being chatty and communicative in the mornings when we wake up. This morning, for example, H got up and went downstairs while I snoozed. He then came back up with his cup of tea. He was about to turn and leave the room as I was still snoozing, but when he saw that I opened my eyes, he got back into bed and we chatted. That's the pattern.

Now that I've noticed the morning 'intimacy' pattern, I've stopped being upset that we have no contact in the evenings. The only way I see him after supper is if we're both saying good-night to the kids at the same time. Otherwise, he is firmly ensconced in his study and doesn't come to bed until after I'm asleep.

Still no physical intimacy or affection of any sort. We had a good discussion about it at our C session this week. H values our current stability and is worried that any move towards intimacy might upset our precarious working balance. He also thinks that if he reengages fully (I think he means sex etc..), that I may turn around and say that I can't stay with him because of his betrayal and the hurt he's caused me. H doesn't think I can really know if I can overcome his A until he is reengaged.

I can sort of see his point. The C's response was that there was always a risk in being intimate in any relationship. I said that I could imagine having strong negative feelings at times but that, like him, I valued an intact family and that I thought that was such a strong value that I would work through my resentment. H says that he hasn't seen my hurt and anger, or at least, not very much and that it makes him nervous. He can't believe that he can get away with it (hurting me to such an extent) or that I can keep this up (not making him pay for it).

I'm still working on keeping the duct tape in place when I feel annoyed or critical. H was moaning about his mother's flat today and how he feels depressed at the thought of getting it ready to let. I felt so critical and wanted to lecture him on how his passivity has led to us missing out on nearly 2 years of potential rental income. I also thought he sounded spoiled and ungrateful. Most people would be thrilled to inherit a flat in Central London. I'm getting much better at keeping the big picture in mind--our relationship. I knew that I couldn't say any of that without H feeling criticized. H HATES criticism more than anything and more so coming from me than from anyone else. Now that I really get that, I'm much more cautious with what I say.

Last night, H asked me to join him and an American couple that he'd met for supper. He hasn't asked me to join him for social things for ages. We had a nice evening and I really enjoyed meeting the couple.

My grandmother visited the day before yesterday. H hadn't seen her since before the A. I asked him if he could shave. I've been very good at not asking him to do so as I know he hates it. Not only did he shave but he dressed up a bit as well so he didn't look so grungey. I appreciated him making the effort. I didn't say anything, though. Maybe I should.

While I don't post much, I still lurk and learn a lot on htis BB. I know that I wouldn't be where I am now without it. A year ago, OW was still in the picture. I don't obsess about her nearly as much these days.

I'm looking forward to being past the anniversary of their split-up. I think it was after Christmas and before New Year.

I never knew that the recovery would be so slow but I'm also amazed that it is possible. I know we have a long way to go but I feel confident that we can keep moving in the right direction.

[StubbornDyke]

Thanks for the update! Keep on keepin' on. And DO tell H how handsome he looked and how much you appreciated him spiffing up for your grandmother!