My Divorce will be final in Dec. Of course I don't want it. I ask for it many times but really just wanted her to change. We don't have any kids but she has a daughter that I raised from birth(4 yrs old now) I have offered to adopt and pay child support. My W and I have raring spoken in the last 2 months. I didn't beg or plead when she said over the phone that she was leaving I just said ok. I helped her load her stuff. I told her that I didn't want the divorce and then went on like the books says and started to work on my own life. She called Friday just to talk and it kills me inside. I don't know what to tell her to make her want me. I am just listening to her and trying to be a friend she seems to be working on getting her life together. Trying to go back to school and get a job, which is why we had our fights anyhow because she wouldn't do it. Now she lives 60 miles away and I don't know if I should call her or just leave her alone. DB doesn't work if they don't know that you are doing it.
Quote: I ask for it many times but really just wanted her to change.
What do you mean by this? You asked for a divorce in an effort to get her to change? I'm sure you realize now that isn't too wise.
Quote: I don't know what to tell her to make her want me.
Nothing. You can tell her absolutely nothing that will make her want you. When you first met did you talk her into wanting you or did that develop without having to convince her? I think listening to her and trying to be her friend is the right approach. You just have to be patient with it. She will either choose to try again or she won't. You can't force it.
Quote: DB doesn't work if they don't know that you are doing it.
Changes you want to make for yourself are for your own benefit. Things that she complained about that were also things you realize are undesirable and you want to change for yourself. It doesn't matter whether she notices or not...someone will. From a distance you pretty much have to be patient until she initiates. Does she allow you at least some visitation with your step-D? I would hope so. That time would give you an opportunity to talk in person...(not R talks though).
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
We'll I screwed up-during my earlier post my wife calls-she is crying and says she can't sleep, wants me to send her some meds(she has a problem) and ask me for some money. I told I would think about it and ask her to go to Counciling. End of call-She leaves message and says forget the whole thing she will just struggle through it. We'll she call to see if I got message and I told her that I loved her still and that I didn't want a D, she ask if I was dating and I said no and so she told me what a good catch I will be for someone. I told I didn't need the pitty and then she told how bad I negligeted her and how much I drank and why have I not stopped. I called her several weeks ago when I was drunk. I told I would send the DB book and she said she would read it. I did almost every thing wrong. And no I do still drink it may be the only thing that can take the edge off enough so that I don't kill myself. Pretty weak I know. She said we were deffently going through with the divorce and I told here that I just wanted her to be happy and if that is what she wanted than ok. She said that is not what I want its what I have to do. I don't get it now that I am willing to change almost anything its the too little to late. We are suppose to go to C with her C she is suppose to call me tomorrow and tell me when and the time. She said it will do no good.
Instantly I can tell you are driving your wife away! tisk tisk
Have a read of all my mistakes :-) do a search on my username and my posts a few months ago. I spent a good deal explaining how I did things wrong.
Anyway, back to you. I can see you are very emotional, the world seems to be collapsing.... everything is about to be lost! huh?
Well put things in perspective for a minute. First, your wife is still calling you! Bonus!! She is seeking help, you are still a part of her life. Awesome.
Now...you're destroying it at the same time!! You are coming across as needy and a loser by seeming desperate to make it all work. She wants a strong man. This doesn't mean "hey honey - come back home now!" It means being able to control your emotions, control your communication, being able to be supportive when SHE needs it.
Best you spend a bit of time reading through many many posts.... learn from those who have been there and done that.
Now I strongly recommend this... stop drinking and get out with friends. Find people to talk to, release it. But not on your ex! Leave her be... there is NOTHING 'you' can say that will make her come back! Nothing!!! There is EVERYTHING you can do to change you, find the person she fell in love with, to draw her back and not be needy.
Ok if I'm sounding a little harsh well maybe people need to hear the realities of the sitch. If you continue to berate, call, seem needy, phone when drunk, all she sees is a complete tosser and who wants someone like that? Put it in reverse... would you want some girl that begs and cries and has no control over themselves? uh ahhh. I'd be going ewwwww stay away girl. I'll find someone who is like ... normal.
The hardest thing, and it is hard, is to find the real you again. And that might mean letting go of your ex for some time. Allow yourself to begin to heal, see and reflect on how you may be contributing to making it worse, ponder what makes other guys get the girl... never begging! Confidence, humour, smiles, being there when they need you, allow them to come to you... not the other way around.
This time in your life is probably the worst you may feel. Ive been there...for nearly a year until 'I' dragged myself out. You have to make real changes... REAL changes. Tidy the house, mow the lawn, walk the dog, call friends and ask how 'they' are doing, shop, buy new clothes, eat healthy, join a club, go to the movies, take your mind off things. They will not just toss you aside... not yet. To me it sounds like your wife is still has you in her heart, don't force her or tell her stuff anymore.
Ok I think I said my piece...its up to you buddy. Its hard, its tuff, sort yourself out and then sort the marriage if she wants you back.
Now.... read and learn from other people... there is sooo much good stuff around (and stuff that has dropped off but can stiff be found)
That was pretty good advice. I just loose it some times it is really the only time I post. Thanks I will think about what you said. It is really hard to be the friend of an exmate and best friend. It just seems crazy to me.
