It's been a very long time since I perused or posted on these boards.
My sitch Me 36 Her 28 No kids Separated nearly 2yrs ago, divorced a month ago
I always try to help a little when I come here and I am in a different boat so to speak. DB and DR techniques work! But only if you mean for the changes to stay and honestly get a life.
I ended up divorcing my ex! She couldn't do it etc.
But deep down I will always love my ex. No matter what. There will always be a special place for her. My sitch was I spent so much effort trying to save the marriage I forgot to save me first. Now that I have it was rather a bit late for the marriage. I did some things that didn't help and allowed my emotions to control my life more-or-less.
I see now a lot of my actions helped drive my ex to another man. So be it. And after hearing constant lies, the crap I've gone through during property settlement, I just divorced her and let her go. It was a case of enough for me. I deserve better.
Behold, actually letting go properly and establishing a new life I have made many new friends, and do so much stuff it isn't funny. Ive had to tone down the amount of stuff I do. But similarly I think the last six months I made the mistake of trying to find a 'replacement'. This is what my ex did and took the first guy more-or-less. She can have him.
Would I take my ex back? I get asked this heaps. The answer is I don't know. I do know that it will take a long time of me not in her life to grasp what she has done properly. DR is right - nothing can make them see or change except for themselves.
The time has allowed me to see my own mistakes and now know I can give an awesome life to someone special. Just haven't found that special person yet. I do know I meet more potential ladies when I'm 'not' looking :-)
I nice thing is my ex's sister's husband and I have remain good friends. We made a vow not to speak of anything to do with my ex. Was a bit weird at first but not a problem now.
For those that have reached divorce...well its not the end of my world! Actually, it's the beginning of a new phase having learnt and established a whole new philosophy on life! One day, I will be able to have a special person to cherish, love, be romantic with, talk, communicate effectively, be affectionate with, do things with, listen and care for.
For now the new look, new clothes, and new spontenaeity (sp? lol) has afforded me to mingle and be chased after! It's a nice feeling to know you're back to where I was when I first met my ex. That is the person she fell in love with.
Do I hate my ex - no. Have I moved on - definately and had to in my sitch. Do I think about her? Probably once every day. The divorce days were a little tough. I thought of her a fair bit, the good times, a lot of the good times, and it was a bit sad. But they are good memories and I think I'd like to just remember those for now on should I remember her.
I'm sure she still thinks of me - just in what capacity though makes me giggle a bit lol.
All the best... let them go and find their way. We can only offer a welcome door home if wanted.
I couldn't agree more. For me too, I am finally able to say I have let go... I have grown into a better person, and see the world differently now - better. I didn't want to be divorced, but I am a better person for it.
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
Thank you SO much for sharing your insight. I really wish we could hear from more people like you.
I'm happy for you. You have gained much at a young age. You are a better person. Again . . . thanks for sharing with us. I wish you only the best . . . and it's on it's way.
H left in Mar.05, and I did everything wrong from the start. Chased him right into her arms. Now the fighting has started. He filed in June, we just went thru Bankruptcy and have case hearing in Dec. Now he wants to introduce my S11, to OW, who is still married. If it sounds strange and crazy, well, it is. I threw a fit when I heard. But I trust my son and the values/morals I have tried to instill in him. So haven't GAL yet, but am working on it. What can you do to try to make this divorce business easier? I was married 21 years. This has been rough, I cried a lot. Did lots of stupid things and got angry mostly. Now I am ready to start looking forward again. I am only 44, so am still kinda young. I lost 30 pounds and have guys in their 30's asking me out. I wasn't ready but I think I will take it slow. No emotional relationship for me, yet. Get the divorce first. I really didn't want this and would have taken him back (regardless of all he has done) but now I realize I can't control anything or anyone but me. It is sort of freeing when you think of it that way. My problem now is seeing him during the divorce, I have a feeling it is going to get ugly. Any suggestions to make it easier for ME!!!! I am starting to look out for number 1, me!!! Thanks for listening. I tend to rattle on. Sorry! I truely hope I get to where you are someday. I don't want to be his friend (at least not right now). Someday maybe.
At least you're here and seeking support and wisdom
Here in Aus we have the benefit of having to wait 12 months before you can get divorced.
Anyway, it seems your hubby seems to think this woman has a future with him...by introducing the son. But you haven't mentioned if the OW has left her hubby? Is she just maintaining an affair or left as well. If she's still with her hubby at this point then there could be some big let downs in future.
But I'll assume they ran off together. Remember the advice of the LRT. Well I cannot emphasise it enough. Stop contact unless he contacts you, don't cry, get emotional, listen to him, even if it pisses you off, and say ok thanks and hang up... or whatever.
The hardest thing all this crap does is drag us down. We have to find the real selves again. Not to 'win' them back, but to be the strong independent people we once were. Sometimes we want to get angry... I think sometimes we need to release things, tension, and alike, but not at them. It just re-emphasises to them that we were nothing in the first place.
I think the best advice is not to fight it. If he wants a divorce, let him. If he wants you back in a few months or years, its up to you, but you can always get married again. Plus once I spoke to our court registry, and some stories that came out of there... whao! It will be interesting to see if he can do the divorce papers himself. My ex couldn't and rellied on me to do it. I baulked once, and she through a stupid line at me saying that 'I never keep my word' lmao. ie I can't be ***** you do it.
You don't really have to see him during the divorce. Use emails or letters.
There's plenty of info about here so have a look around
The OW still lives with her 2 kids and her H. My H lives with his divorced younger brother and their elderly mother, in a very, very small house. I decided after our last big fight to go dark for a while to center myself and get control over my emotions. So far I am calmer. He calls son every morning and night and doesn't even mention me, I don't exist as far as he is concerned. So be it. I am learning to accept the divorce but can't accept OW because she lies and won't leave her H but still wants mine, too. I do not understand people like that. How many lives does she have to destroy before she is satisfied. She told me and my H (and anyone else who will listen) that she has cancer and is dying. Her H (who I spoke with back in June) says Yes they are still married and No she does not or has she ever had cancer. She does have an eating disorder that has put a strain on her heart but otherwise is ok. So I guess I just find this all crazy and want my son to stay out of it. Is that too much to ask for an innocent child? My H says he has my sons best interest at heart but not really. It is all about his feelings and the OW's desires, wants and feelings. I had to put foot down about son meeting her but have talked with my son since and told him it is up to him. He does not want to go and if his father forces him he says he will be very unpleasant and then his father will not force him again. I don't know what to tell him. I wish we had that 12 month waiting list here. Unfortunately if we had not had to postpone the divorce to go thru bankruptcy, we would be divorced by now. He seems in no real hurry even though he has filed. He is fighting me on spousal support. We have been married 21 years. I am demanding my share, if he wants out he will take care of it. If not I can wait.
Hmmm my only suggestion is to let him go. get out of his life for a while. In the past I guess you have told him you love him etc, and he knows he has an escape route back to you. Cut off that escape route and he'll see he only has that women, who hasn't left her hubby, and he might attempt to force her.... it could go any way really.
Just don't do anything stupid...I remembered a little while ago how much I did love my ex wife. She didn't see it because I got angry (understandably). However, I allowed my anger to do one or two things, and 'belittle' her in some ways, which she saw as being 'unloving' and 'revengeful'. At the time I loved her more than she could realise.... it was very hard. Be strong ;-)
gypsygal, Controlling who your H can introduce your S to can only happen as part of the D. In your custody agreement, you can put clauses relating to the introduction of OW to your S. For example, before he introduces them he has to get your approval, they can't spend the night, etc. etc. Lot's of restrictions that can only happen as part of the D agreement.
Your statement about this other woman "wanting your H", and "destroying lives". Well, on the surface it seems like it has very little to do with her, and everything to do with you H. In fact, the two of you are the cause of your own marital problems, not some outsider. Projecting your H actions on her, is shifting blame and denying the facts.
Also, you do not have to wait until the bankruptcy is final before filing for D. Those are two legal issues.
On another point, the whole fighting for spousal support is ridiculous. Kind of like fighting for child support. If you have been married 21 years, and do not work, then he is going to have to pay. Think in terms of 40% of his after tax income. So, you may not get 80% which would allow you to maintain your current lifestyle (that's a TV myth), but once you add child support (for 1 child can be 20%), then you are up to 60% of his after tax salary. The % can vary but this is the amount you can use for budgeting. Your not going to get everything, and he's not going to get away with giving you nothing or only a little. Go in front of a judge and no matter who's at fault (he cheated on me, etc) they will split everything 50% down the middle. Salry, house, everything.
The downside is that the support will only last a few years. If you have not been working, then you will have to find a job.
I do have a job but it is only part time. Only thing I could get after not working for 11 years. Got my feet wet, sort of. I plan on going back to school as soon as I can get a grant or scholorship (maybe loan). H makes quite a lot at his job so he won't suffer. He just thinks he can still control me by denying me money and access to getting little things for my son. He buys everything right now for son and takes him everywhere S wants to go. But my son is determined to be strong for me, I told him its the other way round. H introduced S to OW last night at a party in a restaurant for his younger brother. This woman and her friend came to table with a present sat down and stayed whole time. My son had promised his father not to tell me anything that went on down there, but he told me today. He said he spoke to her and then ignored her. Said he thought she was funny but didn't want her for a stepmother. Where that came from is anyone's guess (probably father). I have had all day to think of this and decided to finally let go. It is killing me but have finally realized my H does not want to come home anytime soon or maybe never. I just am angry that he had promised me that I wouldn't have to worry about the OW meeting our son and then pulled this stunt. He told my son that he didn't know she was coming. Come on, she came to that particular restaurant at that particular time, with a gift. Who do they think they are fooling. I am sure my son sees thru that, but still wants to believe his father would never lie to him. It hurts me to think his father doesn't take my sons feelings into account. Only thinks of himself and OW's feelings. I am determined not to react to this at all. Act like I don't care. See what other mind games they have in store for me. When I stop reacting, what will they talk about. What will they do for fun? Seems like they concentrate on me a lot. Let's see if they can find something else to do. My son doesn't want to stay down there next weekend. He told me today. I believe he is starting to see what his father is doing. It hurts me to see him hurting and not be able to help him. Thanks for listening, sometimes just need to vent. My family is wonderful but they lecture a lot and just tell me I am better off without the SOB. Doesn't help. The feelings just won't go away. No matter how much he hurts me. I truely wish they would sometimes.
